Seriously need some advice....

I am really begining to think that they should have relationship classes a prerequists for graduating high school. Not only do I think it would help the divorce statistics I think it would help everyone who is lost as I am.. Although therapists probably wouldn't make as much money..

Lost--

I agree wholeheartedly with your mom: "My mom always told me that men like to chase, that if a man likes/loves you, you will know it and you won't be confused."

Love is not complicated. It's easy. When a guy likes you he calls you, he wants to be with you, he doesn't care if you have plans in advance. And unless you're expecting him to be with you 24/7 a man who is deeply interested in you would come over if you planned a special dinner as a surprise (unless of course, he had other plans).

A relationship (with ANYONE) is a dance of intimacy. You have preconceived ideas (values) as to how much time a couple should spend together, how you want to be treated, how you want to feel. Those feelings are neither right nor wrong. They are all yours and you need to respect them. The problem comes in when you meet someone who has OTHER preconceived notions of intimacy and how close a couple should be and what they should do etc. The trouble comes in when you meet someone who may like you but simply does not share your same values or notions of intimacy. You obviously want something a little more spontaneous and intimate. This man does not seem to want the same thing.

When a love addict is healing from bad relationships in the past, it's important to take dating slowly and not invest emotionally in anything too quickly. Chemistry is a great start, but...Get to know the other person's values first before having expectations of how they should behave.

I think your feelings of upset and frustration with this man are well founded and are, indeed, red flags. That's not to say he's a bad guy, and like Paisley said, he doesn't seem to have done anything rude or inappropriate. But don't sell yourself short. Don't minimize your feelings and consider them "childish." They are not. They are trying to tell you something and you need to listen. I think there is an incompatibility issue at play here and luckily, you are AWARE OF it. Part of the gift of recovery is to know and sense when things just aren't right. Trust your feelings. Respect your nature. So often we silence that voice!

It seems that this man may like you, but not in the way you NEED to be liked. As LAs newly in recovery we think we must stay away from the bad guys (which we must!) but that any nice guy that comes along is a good catch. Well, that's not true either. Two people need to be on the same page, share most of the same values or at least be willing to communicate about those values and make an investment in each other to the point of working on compatibility. Healthy recovery allows us to hear and see the signs, be aware of them, and take appropriate action, even if it means breaking up with someone.

Your confusion is well founded. And what's more, you have been hurt in the past and you are overly sensitive to neglect. Therefore, someone deeply interested in you would try to work with you on those issues. That doesn't seem to be happening here. Trust your instincts.

Lastly, I just want to add that while it's good practice to bend a little and be understanding, it's almost impossible to fit a square peg in a round hole. I'm not sure if you know what I mean, but basically, you can change little things about your nature, like behaviors. But you cannot change deep-rooted values within yourself. One of those values you typically cannot change is how you define intimacy. In my case, I was in love with a guy who needed a lot of alone time. I need alone time too, but I couldn't understand why he didn't want to spend a typical amount of time with me. While in the relationship, I ended up feeling lonely and isolated and questioning my own desire to spend time with someone. I kept telling myself I needed to change. I needed to learn how to accept this particular man's need for alone time. I told myself I was childish for needing so much time with someone. I soon found out that I was wrong for expecting myself to change. .When I met D we shared the same boundaries, and the same sense of closeness and intimacy and I NEVER question where he is or what he's up to or why he hasn't called. Love is a little chemistry and 90% friendship, compatibility and SHARED values. You may simply need to find someone who shares your idea of what it means to date and be intimate. This of course, is never easy to hear. We always hope it's in our power and under our control to "man up" and change who we are to fit into a relaitonship. But unfortunately we cannot do that to large extent. That is the love addiction side of us-- we fear losing the relationship no matter how much of a struggle it is because it's better than nothing. Recovery and health allow us to think logically, respect our nature and walk away if we need to.



Hope this helps!

WoW Telmita!

You always seem to know exactly what to say. Thank you so much for responding!!! And I think you are right on so many levels. I don't know why it is so hard for me just to accept myself and my needs instead of feeling like there is something wrong with me.

I do care about him immensly but now that I read what you wrote in black and white it really confirms what I am feeling. It's nice to have the words put out there. I seem to have a hard time validating my own feelings.

I think I will talk to him about how we have different needs and are most likely incompatible. Too bad really but its better to release the relationship now instead of making us both suffer needlessly.

thank you for taking the time and helping me!!!!!

My opinion is that this man is too young for you. Any man likes to have a woman younger than him. Anybody who tells you otherwise is just making stories. And he is not into you. If he really liked you, not talking about loved you, he would want to spend more time with you and not less.

I suggest you move on.

Lostandconfused,

I feel you on this one. With the main POA I was involved with it was emails. I would send alot of emails and expect for him to return all of them. He refused saying he emailed me WAYYYY more than anyone else, but he was not going to match me email for email.

I knew what I wanted, but after a year or so of having many of my emails ignored, I began to doubt myself saying I was being ridiculous, putting too much stock into something silly like an email. Then I began to obsess. After that I started to negotiate with the POA like a politician. "well, how many can you return?" I'd ask, "three a day?" "One a day?" "three a week?" I turned myself inside out, upside down trying to get the number of emails just right so he would return them all.

Yet he never did, no matter the number. Some he'd return, but not others.

Years went by and I began to realize that while he was sporadic about returning my emails, I did have other friends/family who were more than happy to match me email for email and it wasn't a problem or a bother to them--in fact they were happy to hear from/correspond with me. Just not him.

In the end, after years and years of thinking I was being too needy by wanting him to return ALL of my emails, I went back to who I was before i got involved with him. And instead of living by email rules that make someone else happy, I live by my own rules. I don't spend time writing to people who make a habit of not writing me back. PERIOD.

I'm saying this to say, there are plenty of people (friends, family other dates etc) out there who would LOVE to have your homemade apple sauce five nights a week!!!! Why not spend the majority of your free time with them? If your current guy wants to take his time, keep his distance, co-operate with him and give him his alone time 7 days a week--if you know what I mean. Don't make any grand speeches or anything. Don't warn him. Don't sit him down for "a talk." Just do it. Stop calling/texing/emailing him compleltely. Let him call you--but make sure your dance card is full and only see him if YOU don't have any plans. Don't cancel plans because of him, make him wait if he wants to see you. Remember you're a valueable treasure, you're a precious gift and you don't have to convince anyone of this.

Yes, Person. You're allowed to have an opinion. But the above is not an opinion.

What's more, LAs sometimes have faulty thinking about things. I did too! For many years I believed in things that were not true at all.

So, while you're absolutely allowed to have an opinion, I would hope that during recovery you'd be open to newer, healthier ways of thinking.

19 years is indeed a little unhealthy. I agree with you. But 3 to 5 years is not, unless the two people involved are unhealthy. Then, truthfully, any age will be a struggle.

The bottom line is to date someone you feel comfortable with.

But the reality is that NOT all men want younger women.