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Post by runrunrun on Dec 16, 2010 3:42:43 GMT -8
Does recovery make us hyper vigilant? I am seeing a guy I have known for 2.5 years and I have this strange and unfounded lack of trust for him. Its a gut instinct. I have no grounds for it as I have always found him totally honest.
My ex bf was a liar and had women on the side. Maybe thats where this lack of trust comes from. Its like my radar is on high. Or maybe its recovering from codependency and I am on the look out for red flags left and right.
runrunrun
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Post by lacypooh on Dec 16, 2010 18:20:59 GMT -8
Hi Run, I think that we have been through so much from La & codependency that yes we become hyper vigilant because we don't want to repeat the same mistakes. When you were co-dependent i'm sure you used to let people take advantage of you and miss ( or ignore) red flags all the time, so now you are more guarded because you have more knowledge, you know what to look for and what not to stand for. I think it would be ok to relax a little, you have worked really hard and deserve to enjoy the gift of a healthy relationship. Enjoy the moment--and enjoy your man  . If you do start to see red flags then i think it's ok to be more guarded, but......go ahead, let your hair down a little . |
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Post by person on Dec 16, 2010 18:39:21 GMT -8
I think that either you don't have chemistry with this guy or you may have phobia problem which you have developed because of the previous man. It it is the latter, I suggest you take care of it.
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Post by lonely1 on Dec 17, 2010 9:45:43 GMT -8
Hey there run^3
Yes it is a typical response we will have in our recovery process . . .
- some lack of trust of the other person based on previous experiences
. . . . . once bit, twice shy . . .typical for anyone
- a 'lack of trust' within ourselves !
. . . is this the "real thing" or am I gonna be fooled again
. . . seems too good to be true, is it ?
. . . will I see the signs of good or bad 'before it's too late' ?
. . . how can I justify 'to me' them liking me . . . ?
. . . am Ii gonna do something & screw it up ?
. . . gosh, do I really deserve this ?
You are getting there . . .you do have a better, brighter, happier future . . .keep walk'en , ,keep walk'en , , , don't ever give up , , ,all of a sudden, you will find yourself there!
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Post by LovelyJune on Dec 17, 2010 11:31:50 GMT -8
runrunrun...After coming out of a bad relationship filled with lies, you have every right to take your time to build up trust in someone. But two things: it takes a LONG time to rebuild that trust. And quite honestly, you need to be with someone who doesn't lie AT ALL so that you may heal and begin to trust again.
But what strikes me as interesting is that you said you have a "gut" instinct about the fact that he can't be trusted. Even though someone hasn't been caught in a lie, there are signs that may be troubling even to healthy people: he may call to say he's coming over and then never show up. He may tell you he is busy when you suspect he isn't it. Things like this can really start to break down trust. ANd though there may not be another woman in the picture, what you might be sensing is their emotional detachment from you, or their avoidance of the relationship.
Ask yourself what he does exactly that gives you these feelings. Try to pin point it.
I know when I first started dating D I didn't trust him at all-- I didn't trust anyone. In fact, I even accused him a couple times of things that he was not guilty of. It took a long time for me to SEE thorough his actions that he was not going to abandon me or hurt me. Although I was suspicious and doubting, I didn't have any gut instinct that he was "lying."
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Post by runrunrun on Dec 17, 2010 19:33:49 GMT -8
Thanks to you all. Thanks for responding.
I cant even pin point to where I got this way. My only guess is from past burns. With me its 3 or 4 times bit twice shy. If that makes sense. But it could be why I am hyper vigilant. I have not caught him lying or cheating.
Lonely1 yeah I get the too good to be true feeling a lot. My past relationships were all unhealthy and bad. This one is all new to me. Maybe thats where that feeling comes from.
I had a slip up tonight. I told myself that I would not attend a function if I didnt feel like attending or had a reason not to. Tonight I ignored all my reasons not to attend and went to a Christmas party anyhow. I was miserable. I was not true to myself. Unfortunately my daughter got sick tonight while I was gone. Fortunately I had to leave the party early. I am so glad I did. He stayed and what was supposed to be a quick meal turned into a 4 hour deal.
Its a step back in recovery. But its a lesson too. Next year hopefully I will remember this and be true to myself and let my needs be known. Do whats best for myself and stay away from painful situations.
Runrunrun
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