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Post by lacypooh on Dec 26, 2010 16:26:14 GMT -8
I changed drastically, I went from outgoing and carefree to timid and unsure of myself. I know I am recovering from various issues, including LA, but I am wondering if anyone else has undergone such severe changes to their core being? This will be long, so I’ll do it in parts. If you skip to part 4 it reallt tells the severity of how i chaned and how bad it got. Any insight would be appreciated, thanks.
I have all the general traits of a cancer, quiet, shy, intuitive, sensitive, caring, etc. But growing up I didn’t become shy until age 8. Before then I was an extrovert & very bold. Through inner child work & meditation I discovered that I was traumatized sexually between age 7 & 8 by a cousin. So I understand the change in my personality then. On top of the molestation, I suffered emotional abuse by what I believe to be either a narcissist or avoidant mother. Basically my true self went into hiding as a way to protect myself from the world around me. I had no real confidence in my abilities, no idea of who I was.
But I began getting a lot of attention from men at around age 2o, something I never had before--and it became what I built my identity around. I was afraid to go away to college, I didn’t even get my driver license to age 21. No one believed I could do anything on my own & somewhere down the line I believed them. My family did everything for me. I worked in the only field I knew I was good at, childcare, and even then when I was offered a higher position I declined. I was afraid, of growth, of everything. What I now know to be linked to the sexual abuse, I have ( still struggling with it now) a mental block when it comes to sex. I don'tt feel comfortable with anyone touching me &, but because of all the male attention I was getting and my own natural desires for sex and intimacy, I became very good at seducing men, but because of what I now know as intimacy issues, I was very uncomfortable with actual closeness of any kind. So I had a string of seductive affairs.
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Post by lacypooh on Dec 26, 2010 16:30:04 GMT -8
Part 2,
But I couldn’t actually have intercourse & it took a long time to let a man do “anything“ to me and when they do, I feel tense & uncomfortable, unable to relax and therefore can‘t enjoy it, it felt dirty and wrong to me. {There are many attributes to this.}. But to go back a little, from age 13-22 I my life using the internet as a social outlet. It was my pseudo world, and on there my personality shined and I was very popular. I got the attention I never got in “real life”. It was my addiction, my safe haven, and I made long term connections on there. I was severely depressed, but great at hiding it. I had a core group of friends in high school that never knew of my internet world, or how much pain I was in. It ended when I met a guy I wanted to get to know beyond the computer. This would become my first “love”. But the idea of him knowing who I really was scared me.
I went to great lengths to scare him away, to make him stop “loving me”, but it didn’t matter what I did, he wanted to continue with the relationship. Things changed when he got a job , he wasn’t able to spend as much time on the phone or the computer, I got extremely clingy & needy( something that happens when I get close to someone I like) & he ended things. I was so devastated, but my love quickly turned to hate. And as our relationship ended, my life outside of the internet began. That is the point I spoke of before, when I started to get attention from men. I didn’t have to get close to these men, they just seemed to think I was pretty and wanted to take me out. There were times when I had 2 dates a night. One in the day time, another in the night. I were dating so many men at once that I couldn’t keep up. I loved it. Also, the core group of friends I had from high school extended and now included guys. I found it exhilarating that after an extended period of time I had gone out with each guy in the group. I was more confident and outgoing, I was having fun, and surrounded by people all the time. It was my new escape.
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Post by lacypooh on Dec 26, 2010 16:31:20 GMT -8
Part 3,
But that group wasn’t very healthy, the girls were leaving me out of their plans, and sleeping with whatever guy I was “seeing” at the time. We fell began to fall apart, I got sick( brain tumor) , they weren’t there for me and my dad died. So I stopped hanging out with them. I still hung with the guys from the group though, until I began to “fall in love” with the guy who would become my POA. We were just friends, but we talked everyday and became very close. This closeness didn’t make me freak out until we moved beyond friendship. I still had problems having sex, I could do a lot of sexual things, but not the actual “penetration”, the guys I was with knew that I didn’t want to have sex and most respected it( I have had some scary calls though) but my POA didn’t respect it. He pushed himself inside of me against my will, but I didn’t fight it, I just laid there, just as I had when I was a child. After that I became very obsessive over him. He had my virginity, something I never planned to lose until marriage. This is when I began to change, I wasn’t as outgoing, I suddenly questioned everything. He of course withdrew from me completely, in a very cold, heartless way. ( He’s a narcissist). I felt as though I had nothing, and no one, and none of my devices to escape the pain I felt.
I became a shell of myself, stayed in my room and ate pizza. My dad was dead, both of my brothers were gone, suddenly it was just me & my mom living together, but we were like strangers, she didn’t know me, and I didn’t really know her. After a year of isolation I decided I needed to get back out there, but I found it extremely uncomfortable. I was now rigidly timid, shy and very unsure of myself. I was needy, not only for love but for friendship. The girls I went on to befriend were a mixture of caretakers and duplicates’ of my abusive mother. But I gladly tok the abusive because it meant I didn’t have to be alone. The women who were caretakers gradually pulled away---I didn’t understand at the time that my neediness scared them off.
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Post by lacypooh on Dec 26, 2010 16:31:57 GMT -8
Part 4
I would attach myself to anyone who would have me. It was all so overwhelming. In 08 I finally got a boyfriend, but the last time I felt feelings for someone was the narcissist three years prior and it left me so scarred that I was completely avoidant with my new boyfriend. I was cold & calculating and although we knew each other for 7 mos, we only dated for 2. Because when he became my official boyfriend, I closed up even more. Finally last year ( 09) I stopped trying so hard to fit in & I began to feel like there was something really wrong with me that people just didn’t like me. I suffered severe social anxiety to the point where I would nearly hyperventilate when I arrive at a location. I tried to focus on myself and my career but the anxiety the feeling that I was flawed was always at the forefront of my mind. There was one business meeting where I went to represent the non profit I started to raise funds for the homeless. I met up with a guy who wanted to share funds from his business with me. We met at a trendy downtown restaurant. I knew no one there, but he knew some people so he left to mingle. I had previous instances where I tried to mingle & the people looked at me as if I were an alien so I already felt uneasy about it, but I tried anyway. I sat at the bar and ordered a drink, tried to look normal and not draw any attention to myself. Two ladies sat down next to me and I tried to make small talk with them. I felt so out of sorts and awkward. They eventually left. I looked around the room and it felt as though it was closing in on me. I got up and casually walked out. Once outside, I ran as fast as I could for my car.
A few moments later the guy called asking where I was, he said it was time to give our presentation. I made up an excuse as to why I had to rush out and asked him to do it without me. He said he would but I had a sinking feeling he knew I was lying. Embarrassed, I was never able to talk to him again, always rushing off the phone when he called..
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Post by lacypooh on Dec 26, 2010 16:32:37 GMT -8
Part 5
I still suffer with this kind of anxiety, which makes it difficult for me to do simple things. In trying to find a hobby earlier this year (2010) I had to give myself a pep talk before entering the gym to do my dance class….each time I went. I know this was a long post, much love to anyone who actually read it all, but I am just wondering if such a dramatic change has happened to anyone else?
I've made great progress within the past 4 months, but I’d very much like to get my life back on track for the new upcoming year, including kick start my career and find another hobby( the dance class got canceled ) without the nagging anxiety. I know some may suggest medication for the anxiety, but I don't have the funds for that. I think I'm on the right track, it's just been hard for me to digest that for a few years, I was outgoing and carefree, and now i have to work very hard just to do the most basic things.
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Post by love on Dec 26, 2010 17:09:47 GMT -8
You are not alone. I have some similarities w/ your experiences. You are brave to have survived all those tough experiences. Thanks to GOD that HE can use even our darkest moments to give us LIGHT. I could see HIS HAND upon you. HE is not finished w/ you and me yet. "We are work in progress." So it's good that you keep learning something new and moving forward! GOD bless you!
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Post by lacypooh on Dec 26, 2010 17:19:09 GMT -8
Thank you Healthy, you guys help me to be brave to share such personal things. I'm grateful for this board because i've never told anyone these things and i am tired of holding on to it. I agree that we are a work in progress, but that is the wonderful part of it because we are actually working through these things. These past 4 months have been very hard , uncovering all the traumas and their effects on me, and it is scary to think that i could have so much going on at one time, seems overwhleming, how can i possibly recover and become a healthy person, but as you said God has his hand on me, I prayed that he would make the crooked places straight in my life and he led me here.....so i know he hasn't brought me this far to leave me, I know he will lead me to the places i need to be and things i need to do in order to recover from all these things. I am scared, but willing to take his lead. Thanks again for your post.
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Post by love on Dec 28, 2010 13:17:07 GMT -8
You are welcome and thank you too for your sharing! It takes a lot of courage to do so, but you made it bec you moving forward and upward! ; )
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