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Post by love on Jan 13, 2011 11:00:43 GMT -8
Honestly, I kinda wish I'm in your position. In the sense that I really don't wanna have anything to do w/ my RECENT POA ANYMORE even in thought. I know it's unhealthy too. But at least SOMEONE ELSE. And "crush" is no big deal if it's "well-guarded" I supposed.
Maybe you just admire him for his talent, nothing more.
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Phoenix
Full Member
Newcomer Greeter
All pain that is not transformed is transmitted.
Posts: 234
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Post by Phoenix on Jan 13, 2011 11:20:53 GMT -8
Hi Paisley~ What a thought provoking post, thank you for your openness & honesty. Your post has my mind thinking about MANY things, here are a few in no particular order: Be careful! Get to know his GF as well if you run into them again. Speaking for myself, I find it impossible to fantasize about an unavailable man if I make sure to get to know his partner as well. Of course, that's just what works for ME... I believe the ability to develop an obsession with someone begins when we construct in our imagination a vision of some future state of perfect happiness with ______________(fill in the blank) So, that being said....don't allow that to happen. Don't allow yourself to fantasize about the two of you, replace those thoughts with thoughts of how nice it was to enjoy THEIR music with your friends. Supporting arts through your attendance is a GOOD THING (I go to local plays, lectures, art exhibits or to hear bands most every weekend) If you examine your feelings I'm sure you wouldn't want to cause their relationship any grief even if you could. You don't seem like that type of person at all! I sometimes read the daily affirmations posted on this site. January 12th from Robin Norwood speaks about this: Pain is our wisest teacher knocking at our door.
Read more: laarecovery.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=daily&action=display&thread=2260#ixzz1AwcntKwpThe pain you are experiencing today can be your teacher Paisley...Your opportunity to break the cycle. I think you're strong & wise enough to gain a lot from this encounter. Thanks for sharing~Phoenix PS. You've told on yourself, that a very good sign. You're only as sick as your secrets |
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Post by brooklynberry on Jan 13, 2011 12:01:44 GMT -8
hey! I understand this fear!
Remember you're learning boundaries now. Like Phoenix said, you can take the lessons you've learned here and apply them.
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Post by melodyrose on Jan 13, 2011 12:11:14 GMT -8
Phoenix this was wonderful. I love what you suggested in getting to know the guys girlfriend. That would aid in extinguishing some all of the rush and crush and my secret yearning I had brewing. It also would allow Paisley the oppurtuity to see her as a real person. From someone who was once after another womans husband not knowing the wife allowed me to live in a deceitful way.. Not knowing her aided in my shameful behavior..
I know so well about the perfect happiness with ---------------. A person can really run with that and create all the perfect fantasies to fit a life. If only I marry so and so I'll have money, big house, in your case Paisley, the leader of a group love you or whatever fill in the blanks that would fit. That was a very sad and pathetic part of my grieving process. It was months and months of letting go of my fantasies and hope. I had to say goodbye to dozens of ideas that I created and the happiness that I thought these things could bring me. It was very painful part of my recovery to put it mildly.
I really needed to read that affirmation.. I have spent many hours getting furious at my pain. Angry at myself , angry that my life has been so turned upside down. But it really has turned out to be my only teacher. Nothing would have changed in my life if I didn't feel it, if I didn't learn from it .
Thanks Phoenix, I needed this post.
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Post by LovelyJune on Jan 13, 2011 16:02:43 GMT -8
Recovery does not mean that we never have feelings of love, lust, love at first sight, etc. It means we know what to do with them when they show up! You're smart. You know that obsession can be fueled like a fire to the point where it gets out of control. Don't let it. Rechannel that energy into something healthy. Do you have a secret fantasy to make music, sing, learn an instrument? That may very well be the trigger. I grew up in a musical family and so anytime I saw a musician, I was in love! Eventually though, I recognized that that was the little girl in me who was crazy about some hot musician. The woman in me needed something more stable, more mature, maybe even a little more 9-5. That was a HARD pill for me to swallow....thinking that I was abandoning the art and music world for a nine to fiver. But we have to accept who we really are-- not who we'd like to be in la la land. It is annoying to have OCD thoughts about a hot, unavailable dude. But your brain is in control, Paisley. Not your emotions  But you know that already, girl. |
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Post by mgb on Jan 13, 2011 17:14:42 GMT -8
Um paisley,
Just a thought......... have you ever thought that these men (unavailable hot musician types, actors, bosses etc) get a rush from the attention of girls like us too! speaking from experience as a musician myself I have fallen for hundreds of them, its a hazard of my job, but what I am trying to say, is I don't know what that rush feeling is ( although I know it is not love,lol), but I have felt it many times before and I wonder if it has something to do with unconscious desire and recognition, that is on some level, reciprocated energetically and it seems that the majority of these "types'' tend to pray on women like us, weather available or not and wether they know they are doing it or not, because its is an ego boost for them! I don't think they are bad people or do this intentionally but it is a thought to consider that they maybe have some tendency to act out too, weather that be sexually or in some cases narsisicim may be involved. In my case I find this is usually the case and have some how learned to stay away, that feeling is the trigger and you know the usual scenario that follows, we all do here on these boards.......maybe this is like your higher power testing your recovery or something? just a thought........let us know how it goes.
blessings,
mgb.xo
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Post by LovelyJune on Jan 14, 2011 5:17:21 GMT -8
I too had MANY little girl fantasies based on real life experiences that I carried with me into adulthood. Trouble was, I was not the same little girl. I had completely different needs when I got older, as we all do. I needed to learn who I was and I needed to recognize that the little girl may not have gotten her wish, but the woman would. But in order to do that, I had to recognizer that the childhood fantasy that I kept going after was not as fulfilling as it would have been 20+ years ago.
Part of recovery is accepting that you are grown. That you have adult needs and that the wants and needs of your childhood are lost to time. That's a sad recognition for many of us. And yet, once we let go of those dreams and fantasies, we are able to clearly see what we need NOW and meet those needs.
It's great that you recognize the source of this trigger (Lucky POA #1), but the next step is to say goodbye to him and accept that he's probably not a good match for grown up Paisley.
Make sense?
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Post by love on Jan 14, 2011 8:27:24 GMT -8
"Part of recovery is accepting that you are grown. That you have adult needs and that the wants and needs of your childhood are lost to time. That's a sad recognition for many of us. And yet, once we let go of those dreams and fantasies, we are able to clearly see what we need NOW and meet those needs."
THANKS TELMITA! My "obsession" for baby sister and/or best friend caused me to have a POA.
So it has to go now. ; )
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Post by lovely1 on Jan 14, 2011 18:23:58 GMT -8
But today I find myself obsessing over him and I'm trying to analyze why. What is it about this guy that has me hooked? Sure, he's attractive and talented...and charming and sweet, I think anyone who met him would like him. But I meet lots of attractive, talented nice people and don't get hooked. Paisley, I also wonder this, what seperates those we are attracted to, from those we don't give a second glance. I know I am attracted to the career types, the ambitious climbers. I don't know if it's because I seek stability... While I find I've met dozens of successful businessmen that I'm not attracted to, as I've shared in another post, one day out of the blue, I found myself attracted to my boss and I still have NO idea as to the why. Why HIM and not someone else? I do think some things are biological/psychological/spiritual and just plain unexplicable and we'll just never really know. When I found myself attracted to him, as I've shared, I immediately created some rules of conduct for myself to make sure he doesn't become my next POA. No personal conversations, no warmth in my communication with him, I deal with him on an as needed basis, etc...essentially LC or what I call Spiritual No Contact. I've worked for him for months and I have no idea who he is really and convesely I have not allowed him to get to know me. And here's the result--I'm free. I'm free. I'm free. I have no "claim" on him, no expectations. I haven't invested anything in him personally that I hope will pay off in the future. We're not "connected" in any real way. I can even imagine myself not working there in the future and not seeing him every day and I'm okay with that because even after I leave, what I learned from working with him will remain with me forever. As another poster said in your case, is it possible to turn your attention away from the man and instead think about his work--the music. What do you like about the music? Why does it speak to you? Can you learn more about it? Perhaps if you broadened your focus it would help. take care and good luck! lovely |
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Post by LovelyJune on Jan 16, 2011 4:24:45 GMT -8
Glad it makes sense.
And as Dr Phil once said (I hate the fact that I'm about to quote him, and yet, it really is a brilliant quote): "It's one thing when you have a lot of pain, suffering, trauma and unresolved issues in your past; but it's another when you drag all that stuff into your adult life. Let it go!"
Easier said than done! And yet, possible.
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Post by soulseeker on Jan 16, 2011 8:34:06 GMT -8
T,
Another way of saying that Dr. Phil quote is...
All pain that is not transformed is transmitted.
I believe this .
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Phoenix
Full Member
Newcomer Greeter
All pain that is not transformed is transmitted.
Posts: 234
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Post by Phoenix on Jan 16, 2011 9:05:54 GMT -8
SS~
I believe it too. Great quote.
I'd like to add it to my profile, I've been needing a new quote. To whom should I give the writing credit? Let me know.
Phoenix
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Post by mgb on Jan 17, 2011 3:42:13 GMT -8
lol, soulseeker, so true, so true....
but its up to us if we want to take it on and be an emotional garbage dump for people...... Thats what I think true recovery for me is about having the boundaries to say no I wont Take your pain any more.... maybe??
just a thought,
Blessings,
mgb.xo
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But you know that already, girl. 
