if only I knew . . | A Brighter Tomorrow

reinventmyself
Elder Member

...it shouldn't have to hurt

Posts: 703

if only I knew . . Jan 20, 2011 10:26:01 GMT -8

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Post by reinventmyself on Jan 20, 2011 10:26:01 GMT -8

long story short. .

When I was 20 I met this guy who was 24 and had broken up with his hi-school sweetheart with whom he was engaged to marry.
From day one he told me he didn't want a gf. This started an obsession that lasted for maybe 10 yrs. 2 yrs of push and pull. . seductive withholding and all sorts of humiliating degrading behaviours on my part. After 2 yrs he left to go to the east coast for 6 months of work related training.

I was hopelessly addicted to him and dated others only for the distraction and to make him jealous. It never occurred to me for a moment that I deserved better and I should have told him to step up or buzz off.

With his 6 month absense I made a conscious effort to be involved with someone when he returned. I succeeded. . I was so successful that upon his return I panicked and married the person I was seeing whom I barely knew. It was the only way to break my addiction or at least so I thought.

I would and could never have admitted this to myself back then but it's profoundly clear to me now.

It wasn't all bad. .I have two amazing sons as a by product. The man I married was and is a seriously emotionally abusive N. I am so much better now. . but I don't know if I will ever be same. .

Interesting that he didn't marry until he was 40 yrs old.

Last Edit: Jan 20, 2011 10:27:44 GMT -8 by reinventmyself

person
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if only I knew . . Jan 20, 2011 20:32:21 GMT -8

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Post by person on Jan 20, 2011 20:32:21 GMT -8

My story with my POA is exactly what you are describing except I am not getting married to avoid him. He told me in the very beginning that he did not want a relationship. I did not want to listen and begged him to re-consider. He has been doing push and pull ever since we met 1 year and 5 months ago. I became obssessed with him. I am trying to go meet other people also for distraction. Nobody I met during this time was interested in me. So, I went back to my POA many times.

LovelyJune
Elder Member

You teach people how to treat you.

Posts: 6,660

if only I knew . . Jan 22, 2011 5:37:21 GMT -8

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Post by LovelyJune on Jan 22, 2011 5:37:21 GMT -8

Great insight on both your parts. When I looked back during early recovery, I came to realise that my ex-H was all part of my addiction and way of avoiding myself. I am paying a pretty steep price now for having married an emotionally and physically abusive man whose twisted, distorted logic and lies are now trickling into some of the things he feeds our children. My heart ACHES for my sons that they have to put up with this-- moreso because at the moment they aren't old enough to understand that he's not healthy, that he's sick.

Lesson learned the hard way.

Girl Rebuilt www.girlrebuilt.com

“I was a late bloomer. But anyone who blooms at all, ever, is very lucky. ”- Sharon Olds

reinventmyself
Elder Member

...it shouldn't have to hurt

Posts: 703

if only I knew . . Jan 22, 2011 8:27:04 GMT -8

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Post by reinventmyself on Jan 22, 2011 8:27:04 GMT -8

same here T,
Both my sons have suffered at his hands. Being an N he's used them drained them emotionally and I recognized the self doubt and the confusion they feel.

In therapy I learned that children are likely to be OK if they have one parent that they can count on to be consistant and stable. I've tried to be that for them. When they've come to me upset and confused I've try to explain their dad to them in manner that I don't come across as if I am bashing him. I've told them that their father loves them very much. . which is true but that he's sort of wired backwards and can't help himself. That they shouldn't expect what would be considered normal reactions from him and he does the best he can.

It's interesting to see them now as young men feel some sort sense of relief that it's not them and their not crazy. They love their father but realize that he has some limitations and it's `not them'.

Last Edit: Jan 22, 2011 8:30:24 GMT -8 by reinventmyself

person
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Posts: 556

if only I knew . . Jan 22, 2011 11:11:14 GMT -8

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Post by person on Jan 22, 2011 11:11:14 GMT -8

This is also great insight for me. I thought many times that maybe if POA and me were married, he would be so nice and kind to me. I see now that I was mistaken. I could suffer even more being married to him.

He is destroying his own son who lives with him. All qualities of the father one can see in the son: rudeness, arrogance, ignorance, no respect for anyone, not accepting any responsibility whatsover for his behavior, hate for women, and etc. and etc.

I said to POA few times before: oh, I wish I met you 20 years earlier, we would have children and you would be a wonderful father. Now I am grateful that I don't have children with him because he would ruin them.

reinventmyself
Elder Member

...it shouldn't have to hurt

Posts: 703

if only I knew . . Jan 23, 2011 9:48:39 GMT -8 RoseNadler likes this

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Post by reinventmyself on Jan 23, 2011 9:48:39 GMT -8

I read something to other day that gave me one of those valuable `ah ha!' moments:

If considering whether returning to relationship is worthwhile or not, one needs to ask themselves if at the relationships VERY BEST was EVER really VERY GOOD? If you cannot honeslty say yes then hoping to return and have it better now. . even though it was never really good to begin with is futile thinking. .