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Post by love on Jan 27, 2011 12:32:53 GMT -8
PLS SHARE WITH ME YOUR DEFINITION, INSIGHT, EXPERIENCE, and/or "SAMPLES" regarding "EMOTIONAL BOUNDARY". Bec I hope to make my own too ASAP. I just want to get some ideas from you.  ( I'm "novice" when it comes to setting up boundary especially "emotional" since I grew up w/o real major boundary.) THANKS A LOT! |
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Post by brooklynberry on Jan 27, 2011 13:32:17 GMT -8
One of my PoA's racked up an incredible amount of debt on a credit card in my name.
Because of this I occasionally have to contact him with the bill etc.
I vet every e mail with my sponsor. I include NO EMOTIONS in these messages.
For example
"Hello, Please find the Jan 2011 bill attached to this e mail. Thanks, BB"
that's it. I am not being rude or impolite. Just clear and direct without emotion.
Or, when I speak to friends, I don't have to share everything with them. I don't have to pry about their emotions.
My father is very emotionally unavailable. I cannot change him and have driven myself insane trying to do so. Now I accept who he is. So now when I speak to him I simply don't share my feelings of how i feel about his behavior, or even if I am just upset about something. I have other places to deal with this. I can talk to him about what's new, the weather, etc. But no emotions. I don't do this for him, I do it for ME.
Not forcing my emotions on people who don't want to hear them. For example, my boss at work should not have to hear about my personal life, a fight I had with my boyfriend, etc. It's not the place for it.
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Post by LovelyJune on Jan 27, 2011 14:03:29 GMT -8
Brooklyn said it all-- I would only like to add that a boundary can be one simple word: No.
A perfect example is the woman who insisted you go to her party.
By saying "no, thank you" and not getting anymore emotionally involved than that, you have created a boundary. So often we think people need hours of an explanation and back and forth, and involvement over the simplest things. This is not true. People do NOT need a lot of explanation.
The more emotionally invested you become in the small stuff, the more you know your boundaries are failing. Save your emotional investment for the really big stuff.
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Post by brooklynberry on Jan 27, 2011 14:20:09 GMT -8
Agreed, Telmita. We don't need to explain things to people. This seems counterintuitive but it's not.
At first I found boundaries difficult. Like they were hard to do and I felt rude. With time they're becoming more second nature. And I feel much safer. Things that used to bother me I really can let go of.
As love addicts, we LOVE to hook people in emotionally. We're SO manipulative. So it's completely reprogramming the way we interact with people. It is so much easier in the end. I was thinking of someone I know with terrible boundaries the other day. She makes me crazy. She has to share opinions I didn't want, tell me what to do, and has, as I call it, "emotional diarreah." It's so undignified and messy. In the end, I exercise MY boundaries.
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Post by reinventmyself on Jan 27, 2011 14:45:01 GMT -8
There are some great books out there about boundries.
Near the end of my marraige and while going through my divorce I was so thankful for having learned this. My ex was RELENTLESS and viscous when it came to conflict and he thrived on it. . . Where he used to be able to wear me down I learned I only need to answer once and one time only. He'd spin off and go on and on and I would remain calm, detach and after his tirade he would ask the same question and I simply would tell him - 'I already answered that'. . Or ` It's not open for negotiation. Period. . . And I would not engage him any longer on the subject. Mind you it took him months to get used to the new way of interacting with me. .I can tell you he hated loosing the control.
It was liberating.. It freed me from getting caught up in the madness.
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Post by brooklynberry on Jan 29, 2011 11:14:08 GMT -8
I am going to be frank with you.
It's over.
You have no contact. There is nothing to do with her anymore because you're not contacting her.
That's it.
Stop trying to analyze her, no more figuring it out. It's done done done.
I know it's hard. There is nothing more you can do.
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Post by love on Jan 29, 2011 11:40:10 GMT -8
Got it! Thanks! BUT WHAT WILL I DO (w/ my "urge"?) > I WANT HER TO KNOW that I'm aware now of my issues and is better now? In short I WANT TO "UNDO" my mistakes. I want to "restart" just my part. I'm not after her or her friendship anymore but just want to "clean up" MY mistakes w/ her.  How do you think I can do that or at least deal w/ that "urge"?  |
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Post by surrender on Jan 29, 2011 12:09:38 GMT -8
I WANT HER TO KNOW that I'm aware now of my issues
What good could come of it?
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Post by soulseeker on Jan 29, 2011 12:22:35 GMT -8
How do you think I can do that or at least deal w/ that "urge"?
Dear Healthy,
The best way to answer these questions is with a professional counselor. You need someone to help you, why not use a counselor? Every person can get trapped in thinking errors. It is easier to have breakthroughs and grow with a guide. You are still taking the focus off yourself by thinking or asking questions about someone else. Recovery is about you.
Best
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Post by love on Jan 29, 2011 13:31:36 GMT -8
surrender: At least if she will know that I'm better now, somehow she will have a better "image" or perception of me. I hope her "final moments w/ me" won't be my codependent and obsessive behavior towards her last yr. I just wanna have a "new better ending" w/ her so to speak. Thanks! soulseeker: Ok. I got it. Thanks! BTW, you posted on the other thread: "You are making fantastic progress. I know how painful it can be to find out we were living in addiction and we ruined a relationship. Good work." Read more: laarecovery.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=relationships&thread=8514&page=1#ixzz1CSefpO3wMay I ask you and anyone here pertaining to your comment for me> Q: "Since I was the one mostly at fault (who got obsessed and who ruined our friendship) should I not at least try to do something to "correct" it or compensate for it? Just to have a new, better ending w/ her?" (Pls answer it on "Pearls Of Wisdom"> "New, Better Ending?" since it's a different topic already) Thank You!
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Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Jan 29, 2011 15:35:38 GMT -8
Healthy,
I appreciate all the work your doing and learning here... My prob in addiction/obsession sometimes is thinking about what people think of me.
Wanting to fix it right away is part of Love addiction.
Ive been in serious recovery since Nov....I'm no where near ready for reconcilliation or starting something new.
Keep the focus on you.
Read a book...take a breath.
Good Luck. K
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Post by brooklynberry on Jan 30, 2011 15:47:02 GMT -8
actually,
the best way to be though of well is to take care you of you and your addiction. Take a very long time to go through recovery, months, years, etc.
The more you approach someone now, no matter how much you feel you have changed, will just support any negative thoughts and feelings.
Just take care of you. This impresses everyone.
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Post by love on Jan 31, 2011 4:21:53 GMT -8
WOW! Brooklyn! I'm taking your advice! Thanks a lot! : )
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