Post by lacypooh on Feb 8, 2011 10:01:52 GMT -8
"We trust the wrong people" This quote about LA's is certainly true of me. Every since my father died I feel as though I have been on a voyage to find someone I could trust and love as much as I did him. Of course that was an impossible task as my father was always my safe haven. I was always very naive & too open with people, and when I became closed off and distant it was just the opposite extreme. Anyway, somewhere a long the line I became numb to my usual wave of emotions. Being numb isn't a fix to constantly being hurt. In fact, it is just as bad. But now that i'm beginning to feel again I hate the pain it allows, but I remind myself that pain is an indicator that something isn't right.
I think all my friendships and relationships have been unhealthy, ALL OF THEM. The concept that I chose wrong ALL THE TIME, made me feel so horrible that I think i tried to find loopholes. My friend, who happens to be an ex was my recent loophole. I wanted to believe in him, to believe that he was growing right along with me. I chose him to be a safe person to confide in about my self esteem and lack of self love issues. ( Not LA though-he's "too rational" to ever accept something like LA). He would listen to me for hours, and offer helpful insight from time to time. He invited me to hang out, and offered to take care of me when I would get sick. But despite all that, he’s just insensitive by nature and very self absorbed. I’m the opposite of that, very intuitive and giving so someone like him has no business in my INNER CIRCLE. But, he IS my inner circle at the moment so I overlooked those things. I was “numb” so I just shook it off anyway.
But now, OH NOW that the layers are coming off, I am more aware of our differences and I think about all the time we’ve spent together, long talks and calling one another good friends, I can FEEL the pain he causes me. And my pain is an indicator that something isn’t right. There aren’t any lop holes here. I trusted the wrong person. Which I’m not going to beat myself up over. I made a mistake. But one thing I do know is that as I continue to get healthy I won’t have to look for loopholes in the sake of having friends. They will come when I am ready**
I think all my friendships and relationships have been unhealthy, ALL OF THEM. The concept that I chose wrong ALL THE TIME, made me feel so horrible that I think i tried to find loopholes. My friend, who happens to be an ex was my recent loophole. I wanted to believe in him, to believe that he was growing right along with me. I chose him to be a safe person to confide in about my self esteem and lack of self love issues. ( Not LA though-he's "too rational" to ever accept something like LA). He would listen to me for hours, and offer helpful insight from time to time. He invited me to hang out, and offered to take care of me when I would get sick. But despite all that, he’s just insensitive by nature and very self absorbed. I’m the opposite of that, very intuitive and giving so someone like him has no business in my INNER CIRCLE. But, he IS my inner circle at the moment so I overlooked those things. I was “numb” so I just shook it off anyway.
But now, OH NOW that the layers are coming off, I am more aware of our differences and I think about all the time we’ve spent together, long talks and calling one another good friends, I can FEEL the pain he causes me. And my pain is an indicator that something isn’t right. There aren’t any lop holes here. I trusted the wrong person. Which I’m not going to beat myself up over. I made a mistake. But one thing I do know is that as I continue to get healthy I won’t have to look for loopholes in the sake of having friends. They will come when I am ready**
