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Post by lovely1 on Feb 9, 2011 5:42:30 GMT -8
I'm a confessed torchbearer and the other day I was feeling...the only way I can describe it is pain. My body was in perfect health, however my mind was embroiled in mental anguish. It was not POA related, but it reminded me of those times.
So I began to wonder. Is this the feeling I'd get when I'd run to the computer and begin to type these one, two hour long emails to my POA? And I wondered if while I was writing these diatribes if the pain actually went away. It has been so long, that I do not remember.
I'm going to attempt to describe my pain below:
1) Confusion. Not knowing what to do, being conflicted between doing the right thing (I knew no contact was the answer before I even knew I was an LA) and doing what I felt compelled to do, which was writing and sending those emails. And sometimes I was so compelled to write that I'd actually convince myself that it was the right thing to do!
2) And I think the pain was a feeling of hopelessness. Thinking that things will NEVER get better that I'll always be in a state of anguish, which is how I was feeling yesterday and to a lesser extent this morning.
3) Also there was a feeling of desperation at the potenial loss. I kept thinking if I don't fix this, I'll NEVER have another friend like him again.
Here are the answers to all three
1)I am well aware of what the right thing is, I just have to have the strength to do it...or as in the case of the emails, not do it.
2)There's always hope! Moods and feelings ebb and flow. I'm a torchbearer but even in the midst of the pain and heartbreak during the peak years of the POA, there were still pockets of happiness in my life. I think another way to build in hope is to take more calculated risks. Apply for something or try to get something where you have a good chance of winning or obtaining, like a new job or a contest, something like that. I think this is an excellent way to build some hope into your life.
3) How many people are on the face of this earth? Billions and Billions surely there are other people out there to befreind aside from a jerk who treated me terribly.
So that's my pain and the corressponding antedotes. Anyone else care to share?
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Post by lovely1 on Feb 9, 2011 5:48:23 GMT -8
One more thing. I've heard people say that when they are trying to sepearate from the POA, they feel as if they have no identity. Has any one ever experienced this feeling in relation to thier love addiction?
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Post by LovelyJune on Feb 9, 2011 6:00:51 GMT -8
YESSSSS!!!! Oh my goodness yes. When I first separated from my PoA I described it as feeling "untethered," "free-floating." I felt I had NOTHING grounding me and no identity. These are ALL normal feelings when we finally let go of the poa and stop numbing ourselves. When we finally wake up, and step off the fantasy boat, it's SCARY.
Eventually this feeling goes away, but you have two choices: you either replace it quickly with another bad relationship (bad idea) OR, you adapt to this feeling and accept it. You don't replace it with anything except maybe diet, exercise, a hobby. It will not feel fulfilling at first. It will hurt at first. But the mind and body are resilient and you will adapt. This is called recovery.
So...what you are feeling is all normal. It's like being born again. Take baby steps. Take little risks here and there to do things other than take a hit off your drug. You will feel better. I promise.
T
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Post by lovely1 on Feb 10, 2011 13:48:40 GMT -8
Telmita and Paisley,
Thank you for responding. You reminded me of some other things I felt when I was in the midst of the back and forth with the POA. In addition to feeling hopeless, despearate, and confused, I also felt like I had no foundation. And I felt doomed and panicky. I felt like if I did not fix it, the world would end.
Paisley, have you tried to write out your fantasies, and instead of the characters being you and the other real person, make it two fictional characters who are nothing like the two of you? Invent people. You could perhaps create scenes, give it a plot, some nice description and viola you've distracted yourself AND made a work of art that you can be proud of.
i have somewhat of a problem with fantasy--actually I've been known to dream of my POA, but my BIG problem is being compelled to write long emails to fix things. That's the cross I bear.
When you fantasize, are you compelled to act?
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Post by Bo on Feb 16, 2011 12:23:18 GMT -8
The pain for me feels like a hunger craving. "Ohh......" is the first sound in my mind before the fantasy or illusion of what I crave begins. I know the painful craving is about to begin. I know it will lead to more pain and more emptiness.
I made up visualization in my mind of what it looks like and what it really feels like to turn my will and my life over to care of God. (The visualization for me is soothing and powerfully calm) I can fantasize about it any time I need to.
The first thing I do when the craving for a PoA pops into my head, I repeat over and over...just two words. "Trust God. Trust God. Trust God." over and over, those words have the power to make the craving literally disappear. Sometimes I will visualize turning my will and my life over to the care of my HP.
When I do this, then there's no pain left to describe, no craving, no nothing. Just peace I guess.
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Post by cherrycrush on Feb 22, 2011 21:31:20 GMT -8
I'm reading this board for more than a week now and slowly but steady I'm starting to realize that feelings, states of mind and behaviour patterns that kept on repeating in my life since my teens are not just me being me (and crazy) but an addiction that has to be treated as such.
I will introduce myself in the appropriate thread but for now I'm just a torch bearer with romance addict flavour, using the POA to escape dealing with all the stress in my life (work, common law husband, xH, ...).
How do I feel pain? It feels like my blood is all of a sudden very thick and it doesn't flow. It feels like my heart works hard trying to push it through my veins and it can't and it hurts. I can actually feel my heart hurt and I can feel it break. And the pain takes my breath away and it fills my mouth with the vile taste of bile. That's how pain feels for me.
I hope you guys understand what I'm trying to say, english is not my first language and especially when I get emotional it's hard to express myself.
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Post by soulseeker on Feb 22, 2011 21:54:34 GMT -8
I have been doing really good lately, feeling so much stronger since I came to the board.
But I did want to examine the pain feeling I had in the past, I think it is a great thread.
For me, it was a sense of panic. A out of control feeling. My mind would race and play out scenarios over and over.
I could not settle in my body. It felt like someone had cut me off at the knees.
I would keep trying and trying for a different outcome, calling trying to sound sane, but always ending up sounding desperate.
It was a profound loss of identity. A profound loss of status. (theirs, not mine) As a love addict I was empty.
I am so glad that I am not there right now.
But I still have not had a relationship test me as a recovering LA.
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Post by lovely1 on Aug 29, 2011 17:57:14 GMT -8
cherrycrush,
Thank you for sharing...
You feel your pain physically. I may have too, but it's been so long ago. I just remember feeling compelled to "fix things" to "make it right" and a sense of doom like the world would fall apart if I didn't "make it right."
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Post by lovely1 on Aug 29, 2011 17:59:22 GMT -8
Soulseeker,
that's exactly what I was trying to do--trying for a different outcome. I just couldn't accept the way things played out. So I would write these long meandering letters one right after the other hoping I could some how change things. Seems silly now, but I really thought I could change his mind through my letters.
Thank you for this insight.
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Post by looking4direction on Dec 9, 2011 22:42:25 GMT -8
I am reading this and feel like a swirl of cool water is washing over me.
Thank goodness for recovery and answers here!
Carol
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Post by looking4direction on Dec 9, 2011 22:43:25 GMT -8
the pain feels like a fire that can't even be quenched by the love. And trying to satisfy it would be like throwing gasoline on it.
Recovery is the cool water.
LAARECOVERY.
Carol
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Post by looking4direction on Nov 17, 2012 4:29:10 GMT -8
the pain is like spinning in an endless circle with no way out.
the pain is like being forced to ride a roller coaster when you are so tired that you don't even know if you can hold on any longer.
the pain is a sick feeling and a feeling like you might pass out if you move or speak.
the pain, g*d the pain.
and i know that HP can remove it if I ask.
i like that "trust G*d" thing. I think I will try that.
Carol
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Post by LovelyJune on Nov 17, 2012 4:59:26 GMT -8
I'm not so sure God removes things all on their own. *Poof* when he feels like it. But, he may give us the tools to remove the pain ourselves.
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Post by looking4direction on Dec 2, 2012 20:17:27 GMT -8
yes, June, we do the work.
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Post by cupidcome on Feb 6, 2013 21:16:36 GMT -8
The pain feels like my life will not be worth living unless I can "be with" this person. That is the simplest way I can put it.
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Post by cupidcome on Feb 6, 2013 21:28:46 GMT -8
One more thing. I've heard people say that when they are trying to sepearate from the POA, they feel as if they have no identity. Has any one ever experienced this feeling in relation to thier love addiction? I can. I was so busy obsessing and trying to force a relationship on my poa's that my life and every thought revolved around them, so they became part of my identity. My love addiction with my major poa's might always be a part of my identity, but I it isn't them, just a fantasy I projected onto them. |
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Post by lotusflower on Feb 9, 2013 19:33:55 GMT -8
For me the pain is: Burning chest, literally I feel as my heart is being squeezed and stepped on and the problem is it is never ending, it doesn't stop.. I feel like floating in a dark, cold, alone room..I feel so lonely, i feel as i lost the only joy of my life even tho i knew i wasn't happy with him, i really wanted to break up, i kept seeing signs, looking for signs to break up, search for signs to end the relationship, knowing deep down this person is no good for me..Still, i feel as now he was the best thing and i lost..i broke up..now i am crying and wishing he was back as he used to be..i am deeply confused and feeling so cold..everything is dark, everyone is a stranger.. i just wanna fall a sleep and not wake up kind of pain..nothing helps so far to take the pain away, my heart is burning..
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Post by kelleyboy on Apr 17, 2013 23:33:39 GMT -8
I'm glad this question is asked. When I was young and suffering from this in my childhood of all things, I can remember this feeling deep inside. It was like my soul calling out for someone(mom, dad, anyone) to "pleeeeeaasse, take this pain away..." I was 8 yrs old when I first felt the pain of love addiction withdrawal. eight. years. old. The feeling is still the same today as it was then. It is like getting poison oak. The first time i got it feel like the last time I got it.. I have experienced this with at least 20 different people over the course of my life. Likely even more.
Reality changes. The color is sucked out of everything, and beautiful days are wasted. It feels eternal, and un-relinquishing. It lasts months and years, and I wonder how much more I can take. Days melt into each other and I realize that, d**n I can take a mountain of punishment.
Doing the right thing, staying away, feels foreign and wrong, impossible. It really is a dark, hopeless feeling, and quite possibly the most familiar feeling I know. It may be that I have experienced it more than I haven't.
I almost deleted the above post because it really makes me sick to read it, and have it public.
I like what LJ says about adapting to the feeling and getting healthy. I have been taking baby steps. Tomorrow is a new day. I have my therapist appt.
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Post by liveandlovelife on Nov 9, 2013 23:08:53 GMT -8
Everything centers in my solar plexus. I cant eat and feel like I just want to die but I cant. I am stuck here. I cry until my head feels like it will explode and then i get tired.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2013 1:34:59 GMT -8
Feeling out of control when you write and write the POA until he responds, if even. Feeling helpless cause you cant make this person love you. Feeling scared of letting him go. Feeling hopeless that you will never be better. Feeling lost without him. Feelings that nothing makes you happy in life. Feelings of just wanting to die to escape the pain. Not able to eat and my body just wants to sleep.
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Ferre
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Post by Ferre on Nov 10, 2013 3:14:57 GMT -8
Also for me the solar plexus was the place i felt everything all the time.
I was hostage of those feelings.
For as long as i remember i was either free and balanced or i was in turmoil with these agonizing feelings around my solar plexus.
When these feelings were there i was merely existing. sometimes for months on end.
FEAR, INSECURITY, FEAR JUST FEAR IN EVERY SINGLE CELL OF MY BODY
LIKE MY HEART, EVERY SINGLE CELL OF MY BODY WAS SHOUTING I AM SCARED, I CAN'T DO IT ON MY OWN, TAKE CARE OF ME, DON'T ABANDON ME. HEARTBEAT AFTER HEARTBEAT
Even with or without a POA in my life.
It took me a long time to recognise this and how to deal with this.
I am no longer scared or of my own feelings.
In the end they are just feelings to paralyze myself of taking responsibility for myself.
Awareness and mindfulness makes me a spectator of what is going on inside myself.
I am not on the battlefield anymore trying to numb what is not real.
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Post by Loving My Life on Nov 10, 2013 6:04:08 GMT -8
Liveandlovelife and everchanging, You both mention "you just want to die", this makes me feel very sad. You don't think your life is worth more? No one person is that powerful, we have to get up and get moving in our own life now, do you feel like if you died for this person it would prove something? What is the logic behind just wanting to die? I felt like I was dying on the inside, but I had to still take care of myself, bathing daily, working, going to meetings, reading recovery books, working the steps, just not sitting around by myself, being by yourself right now is not good, you think too much. But did I really want to die? Hell no I did not, I learned how to love myself, and I got to living life. Think about this, maybe the reason you feel this way is because you have taken on all the negative qualities of your poa, since he has no emotions, and he is the emotional vampire he has just sucked all your positive energy right out of you. And when people can't love this is what they do to us, they want to destroy us. This is not love, this is abuse. Intensity and chaos do not equal love. This is not your burden to carry, get up and get moving, this falls real close to emotional abuse. Challenge yourself, start doing your own research, read about psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists, start putting this puzzle together...this is what I had to do. It was so painful for me to finally admit, that I had been emotionally abused, and I allowed this person who I loved, and he did not love me, even though he said he did, to do this too me. These damaged poas pick us, they can spot us from a mile away, they groom us to be their victim, and when the hook is set, and we are totally obsessed with them, then their game starts, the push and pull, the love and hate, all of this insanity of this person, and we just keep trying over and over again to prove how much we love them, and this only gives them more energy to keep hurting us more. It is a game to them. I know my poa is probably a narcissist, and a psychopath, he has no emotions, he does not care about anything or anybody. And this was the hardest thing for me to accept, that yes there are people walking around in our world who have no feelings, I talked to my counselor about this, and she told me too just walk away, and be glad I am still alive to tell about it, and not to try to figure him out because I never would. It is hard to explain all of this, and it is hard to write all of this now, but I have been right where you both are today, and you just have to get up and take care of yourself now. And the whole time I was doing this I was obsessing and in withdrawal, I felt dead on the inside also, because of my poa, but not because I wanted to actually die...there is a difference. Please get up and love yourself, take your power back, don't let this damaged poa destroy your life, that is what he wants to do anyway...he gets a thrill out of causing others pain.. Hugs to you both Books to read: Susan Peabody's "Addiction To Love" Patrick Carnes "The Betrayal Bond" These two books will get you started on this journey of discovery and to finally be able to see what has happen here. It is not your fault, we are still the loving, caring people we were when we first met our poa's, go back to who you were before this person was ever in your life, that is still who you are now, you just have to face your fears, and heal your pain, and you will not be held in bondage to this person any longer. Maya Angelou quote...I love this.. NEVER TRUST A PERSON WHO SAYS "I LOVE YOU", WHEN THEY DONT EVEN "LOVE THEMSELVES" Also it is quotes like these that I fill my head with daily, I have to replace the negatives with positives, and I still do this, daily. Attachments:
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Post by liveandlovelife on Nov 10, 2013 6:56:44 GMT -8
Thanks loving my life,
I was actually describing the pain and what it feels like at its worst. I was going with the topic of the thread.
I am taking care of myself and doing the work. Yesterday i got a pedicure. I have not done that in 2 years. I forced myself to focus on enjoying it. You are right. We have to take back our power. Nobody should have this kind of power.
Peace
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