Afraid of being a torchbearer again

turquoise
Junior Member

Posts: 53

Afraid of being a torchbearer again Feb 13, 2011 13:39:40 GMT -8

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Post by turquoise on Feb 13, 2011 13:39:40 GMT -8

I carried a torch for my high school boyfriend for 24 years. He was actually a great guy, and the problems that led to our breakup were a combination of me having a bunch of unresolved issues (which I'm just now working on, 28 years later) and we were just really young and needed to experience life & other people. I used my torch for him as an excuse to never fully give my heart to any other man. When the internet arrived, I cyberstalked him. I went through several boyfriends and 2 marriages & knew without a doubt that I would have left any of them had this high school boyfriend wanted me back. Crazy, because we were 2 different people after all that time, and I may not have even liked him anymore. NC did no good at all, because I only had one contact with him during those 24 years.

The only thing that made me drop my torch? The new relationship with my current PoA, the one in which I transformed myself from being a love avoidant and a torchbearer into an obsessed love addict. The minute that relationship started, I dropped that torch and never looked back. Even though my PoA and I broke up last summer, and I've been through more emotional pain than I've ever known, I still haven't picked up that old torch.

But knowing that I am fully capable of carrying a torch for over 2 decades scares me to death. I wasn't obsessed with the high school boyfriend nearly to the degree that I am with this one. I wasn't even obsessed with the high school boyfriend at all when we were together - it was only after he didn't want me anymore. The thought of carrying a torch for the rest of my life for this current PoA, well, it makes me not want to have a life, frankly. It's such an empty shell of a life, to have this permanent ghost residing in my brain who affects so much of my behavior, emotions, decisions, relationships etc. I want him out of my head. I dream about him. He intrudes all day and all night long.

We broke up last summer, and I am so hoping to be much more improved when that anniversary rolls around. I'm also hoping that I will have found another job & moved. NC does help with the obsession and the desperation, but again, I am seriously very afraid that I'll just pine & long for him the rest of my life in this sad, time-wasting, life-wasting ridiculous way. I've done it before. I don't want my current obsession to morph into a torch.

So I'll keep working - I am working the steps & am on the 4th one. About transference, this scares me too. I have always felt pretty close to God more or less, and the thought of transferring my torch to him just seems odd & disconcerting & I don't think I can do it. Phantom lovers, all that, I dunno. Just doesn't feel right to me.

I welcome any suggestions, feedback, ideas, etc.

soulseeker
Senior Member

Posts: 402

Afraid of being a torchbearer again Feb 13, 2011 13:56:49 GMT -8

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Post by soulseeker on Feb 13, 2011 13:56:49 GMT -8

Dear Turquoise,

I don't think I am a torch bearer..... but thought of my PoA do creep into my head everyday after 18 months of it being over. But they are fleeting with no power anymore. I do not indulge the fantasy anymore.

I am definitely a Codependent LA so I so not know how you feel exactly. Butterflygirl tells how she deals with transference and I respect her very much

I almost do not want to say this, due to my inexperience here...but Is it possible to devote the attention to yourself? I mean love yourself with the intensity of the addiction. Develop a hobby/passion/talent with the devotion that you gave to a unavailable person?

Please forgive me if I am way off the mark.

LovelyJune
Elder Member

You teach people how to treat you.

Posts: 6,660

Afraid of being a torchbearer again Feb 13, 2011 16:52:48 GMT -8

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Post by LovelyJune on Feb 13, 2011 16:52:48 GMT -8

Turquoise,

I actually think you've made HUGE progress. When I read that you've held a torch for 24 years, I though, "there's no way she can change something that deep rooted without serious struggle." BUt YOU DID IT! And that's a great accomplishment.

Most people believe the trick with getting rid of a torch is replacing the torch with someone else or something. And I agree with that, to a point. My philosophy though, is to get to the heart of why you are carrying a torch to begin with. And you pretty much got it (to avoid intimacy with others). But look deeper: we carry a torch and obsess and have addiction to avoid ourselves. On the deepest level you are afraid to face yourself and who you are and what YOU are capable of. To learn who you are (after avoiding yourself for 287 years) will be traumatic, uplifting, scary, spiritual, frightening, wonderful and complex. But if you can somehow, like soulseeker suggests, turn all that torchbearing from a PoA onto yourself, and figuring out what you're running away from, then you've unlocked the secret; you've freed yourself.

We bear a torch not for love, not for a particular person, but as a means of avoiding ourselves.

Try to work with that for awhile and see what happens.

And by all means, keep reading and working on discovering yourself.

T

Girl Rebuilt www.girlrebuilt.com

“I was a late bloomer. But anyone who blooms at all, ever, is very lucky. ”- Sharon Olds

turquoise
Junior Member

Posts: 53

Afraid of being a torchbearer again Feb 13, 2011 17:37:30 GMT -8

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Post by turquoise on Feb 13, 2011 17:37:30 GMT -8

Thank you both. I haven't exactly been proud of myself for dropping the torch for the high school boyfriend because it took another man to make me do it. It is interesting to me though that I haven't reverted back to it. It's a safe fantasy, it doesn't hurt, it's predictable and I know it well. But no, I'm not interested. I sincerely wish him the best & hope he's happy.

This is how I want to feel about my current obsession.

Soulseeker, no forgiveness needed hon, I do appreciate your comments. I have been giving myself tons of attention for several months now in my effort to heal myself but I can't say that I love myself in that way. I guess now that I think about it, I am more compassionate & forgiving of myself, and I'm definitely more knowledgable about why I do/have done things. As for a hobby etc., I definitely should develop more interests. I have a tendency to resort to solitary things, which is not healthy in excess.

Telmita, you always say such wise, thought-provoking things. You're very right, I need to keep going, deeper inward, and find out what's in there. It's scary & I instinctively don't want to do it. Right now, I'm not far enough in my recovery to be able to envision or hope for a happy fulfilling life that doesn't have a man in it. I'm plodding through, the pain isn't as devastating anymore, nor constant, but I have no hope for joy anymore. Thank you for the reminders, I need them. I need to have a goal & it needs to be that I find out why I'm afraid of who I am.