Through love addiction I've avoided myself for so long and now that I have a new corporate job everything is out in the open and this causes great discomfort. My job calls for me to be assertive and confident, things that I haven't been in years. I feel like I need to rush into getting myself " together" but it goes against the truth that recovery is a process[/i]. It's hard for me not to feel worse about myself being around so many ppl I perceive to already have the things I am striving for. I know comparing myself to them is so bad for my self esteem but it's hard not to. I feel like I am playing catch up and it's not about catching up with them but with myself and being the person I so want to be.
For so long I stayed away from others because I knew I wasn't the person i wanted to be and I didn't want anyone getting close to me but here I can't run, I can't hide, I have to face it and I can't rush it, i have to let it be what's it's going to be and pray to be comfortable with myself during the process because I am taking the steps I need to proceed and that's all I can do.
Youre comparing yourself to what you know about the people around you. I have found that everyone has issues they are working on that they would rather other people not know about. Case in point...I have found out my seemingly all together coworker is narcissistic. My other coworker is a grandpa and church elder but has a 40 year old dependent son who has been in trouble with the law many times. This same coworker is a big time people pleaser. Pretty much everyone I know is dealing with some personal issue. Dont let what you think they are make you feel any less. Plus you can be professional, assertive and confident while you are in recovery.
"Nothing in life worth having ever comes easy" Bob Kelso
I was reading your earlier post, about fighting bronchitis and applying for jobs. I think that your perseverance to find a job that meets your potential really reflects a healthier mind state. I almost thought you were a friend of mine for a moment, because her story LITERALLY was yours. Unfortunately, she has done the opposite and gone down the self defeating path. Also, being able to move away from someone who was very sick shows that you are learning. Yay! I don't know you, but you really should be proud of yourself... these patterns of thinking are so difficult to change.
I do understand what you mean about comparing yourself to others- I look at people who I grew up with, and see all of their wedding and family pictures on the Facebook. I get jealous. But, the last time I realized that these are ordinary people just like me. Anyone could look at you and say to themselves, "Wow, look what she has- or wow, she is so much better looking than me, or can do this better than me, or has more friends than me...." Everyone has something going on at a deeper level. So, yeah, maybe you are starting out a new field, but you are VERY strong. I really believe that people who are recovering from codependency or any other type of dependency (i.e. drugs, alcohol, relationships etc) are some of the strongest people out there. Some people have literally seen hell and come back in one piece. Like you said, you can't hide, and you have to face it. Great progress :-)