Lolita
New Member
"No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path"
Posts: 24
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Post by Lolita on Apr 8, 2011 8:31:31 GMT -8
I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months now. We've talked about marriage numerous times, at least half of the times it was brought him by him. He always made me feel like if we are still together by the 8 months, then we might as well get married. It's a long distance relationship. My 6 months in the U.S. are almost up and I won't be able to go back until next year. I know at worst he can always come visit me once a month or so for the weekend. But I don't want that. I don't want to be alone for most of the time, especially since I'm so use to being with him, sleeping with him, and waking up with him. I've threaten to leave many times because I hate knowing that we're going to be apart, but then he's soooo good to me that I'm afraid to let him go. I know he cares about me. He is very affectionate. At the same time, I know once I go back home and it's back to long distance I'm going to go through withdrawl, get depressed, and not want to do anything until I see him again, which could be a month or so for a few days only. It's healthy when we're together...but just knowing what I go through everytime we're apart is exhausting. I'd honestly rather find a new love interest (even if he's not as great of a guy) that is local and I can see everyday then to go crazy everytime we're apart. Should I give him the ultimatum of marriage or break-up? Or should I try to make it work? It's also hard because I'm so use to living this great life with him, living in a great location in the penthouse, great spending allowance, and lots of love from him. If I give it up, I'm back to a bad neighbourhood, no job, and I feel like I have nothing...which might lead to suicidal thoughts? Today he was all happy because it's Friday meaning we'll get to spend the next few days together...and in two weekends from now we'll be away in St. Barts. Meanwhile I was frowning and negative telling him in two weeks from that I'll be back in Toronto alone  It's bad because I know I should be enjoying our time together, but I'm dreading the part where we say our temporary fair-wells. |
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Post by brooklynberry on Apr 8, 2011 8:51:38 GMT -8
are you just looking to be saved?
is he the one providing housing and the allowance?
it may be nice now but could lead to serious resentment and power struggles down the road.
8 months is pretty short.
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Lolita
New Member
"No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path"
Posts: 24
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Post by Lolita on Apr 8, 2011 9:10:15 GMT -8
I like being saved. I like being taken care of. It makes me feel loved and that someone's there for me.
That's how we met. I was stranded in Europe and he saved me..he flew me back home out of the pure kindness of his heart.
Yes he is my provider.
Is 8 months really considered short? I use to always watch Millionaire Matchmaker and Patti always says, If he's not going to marry you by 8 months (I think it was 8 months), then move on because older guys usually know within the first few months if that's the person that they want to spend the rest of their lives with or not.
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Post by soulseeker on Apr 8, 2011 18:12:24 GMT -8
For real, Lolita.... only you are responsible for taking care of yourself.
You either step up to creating your own life or you are now choosing to be LA. You now understand the concept and the addiction, so continuing it it self sabotage. It is a choice now.
Eight month is a very short time and even more due to the fact that it is a LD relationship.
I am just speaking from experience. I used to think that I was owed to be taken care of (saved). It caused me boatloads and years of grief. You can choose another choice.
Maybe you could find some one who you could actually practice being in relation with, and become aware of your own shortcomings and begin to heal yourself.
Just speaking from a lifetime of experience. No judegment on if stay or go, it is your life. My best to you.
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Post by person on Apr 10, 2011 17:08:40 GMT -8
Be practical: you either have to marry him or finish with him. How can you maintain a relationship on the distance? If you love him and he loves you and you are good for each other then marry him. If not, go home and find someone where you live.
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Post by brooklynberry on Apr 10, 2011 17:45:53 GMT -8
I like being saved. I like being taken care of. It makes me feel loved and that someone's there for me. That's how we met. I was stranded in Europe and he saved me..he flew me back home out of the pure kindness of his heart. Yes he is my provider. Is 8 months really considered short? I use to always watch Millionaire Matchmaker and Patti always says, If he's not going to marry you by 8 months (I think it was 8 months), then move on because older guys usually know within the first few months if that's the person that they want to spend the rest of their lives with or not. just because someone wants to marry you doesn't mean they should. Reality TV, movies, etc. are very dangerous for love addicts. They feed our fantasies. I've read 2 years is a more realistic time. Getting married is a big decision. It's either till death do you part or divorce. And divorce SUCKS. sounds like you want security. security and love are not the same thing. how can you find this through you? |
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Post by LovelyJune on Apr 11, 2011 3:25:46 GMT -8
When you have absolute trust in someone that he is not going anywhere, marriage suddenly doesn't become very important-- BUT, when you rely on it to ensure closeness to someone, or residency, finances or a roof over your head, it becomes a house made of straw. A very weak institution.
And while Patty on Millionaire Matchmaker may be right about men's instincts on marriage (we all tend to know within the first 8 months if someone MIGHT be right for us), she's dead wrong on thinking 8 months is enough time to find out if a partner has healthy staying power. There are two different things at play when picking a partner: attraction and compatibility. You can be attracted to someone within 8 months, but it takes spending a lot more time with someone to see if you are comaptible.
Have you been in America for 8 months straight? Living with this man? Or has it been mostly long distance? I think it's time to start learning to depend on yourself a little more instead of a savior. WHat do you think?
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Post by tizzy on Apr 11, 2011 7:01:50 GMT -8
Lolita, does you area have any SLAA meetings you can attend? How about the phone meetings? It sounds like you are in the throws of love addiction. You are looking at your relationships with men as ways to avoid facing your real life and making decisions for yourself and simply loving yourself. In order to overcome love addiction we have to break our old patterns of using our relationships as escape hatches to our life. We have to grow up, become emotionally mature, and take care of ourselves in every way. Then, and only then, will we be in a healthy place to love someone else, after we've learned to love and appreciate ourselves.
What are you running away from? What are you trying to avoid? What do you want to be saved from? These are all questions you will have to ask yourself one day and address one by one. Using men to save you will likely only end in a lifetime of pain and heartbreak. Eventually you will have to face YOU. Your problems don't just go away because you are with a man.
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Post by reinventmyself on Apr 11, 2011 10:52:02 GMT -8
My most recent relationship was sort of long distance. We lived an hour away from each other and saw each other every weekend. At the end of one year I felt our relationship was equal to that of a 5 month old relationship by virtue of not partcipating in a normal daily routine called life. Every weekend was a honeymoon. (which is probably why the ending was so difficult)
I agree with the responses here. It's all very relative.
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Lolita
New Member
"No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path"
Posts: 24
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Post by Lolita on May 3, 2011 7:03:46 GMT -8
Thanks everyone for responding! I've actually been off this site for a while thinking I was better. I was staying with him for a month straight again and tried to gather some courage one day to tell him I might have an addiction and showed him one of my books I was reading. He said I was fine and I believed it. Silly me.
I'm back in Toronto now..panicking from separation. Even worst, I decided to take a break from him because we're barely going to see each other for the next two months (he's too busy with work and travels, and my time in the U.S. is almost up legally). I broke it off and found new dating potentials so I wouldn't be alone. I know. I'm a horrible person. I'm suppose to be back in Toronto to find a job and save up for my trip to India to become a certified yoga instructor (and if I couldn't make payment the bf would), but my obsession with having someone there is side tracking me. Again..I met a new perfect guy that promises me the world if I just move in and be his live in gf. I see it. It's a never ending pattern. The worst part is that I'm always the one leaving for no good reason.
SOULSEEKER - what caused you such grief from being saved? And what do you mean by finding someone I can be in relation with?
HAPPYBERRY - do you suggest I stop watching romantic shows/movies? Or reading books of that nature?
LOVELYJUNE - I've probably spent a total of 5 months with him or a little less? I've stayed with him for 1 to 2 months at a time. I've practically taken over his washrooms and closet. I have access to all his passwords, credit cards, and keys. I would love to depend on myself..but I find whenever I try to do anything my mind wanders off into space how to be with him or a new person that will be everything I need and want since I know that in any new relationship they spend a lot more time and attention on you. I know it's bad...my mind's all over the place. I wish I could talk to the guy that I'm "on a break" with but I'm afraid to scare him off completely.
TIZZY - do those meetings really help? Even if I'm only able to go here and there? I agree completely what you're saying, but I don't know how to be on my own. I don't know what I should be doing. I don't know how to get myself to quit daydreaming or stressing about it. I just don't feel like I have a purpose when I'm alone. I just hide in my room and let time pass until I feel something is worth getting out for.
I wish I knew what I was running away from. I feel that I am too. I feel like I can never be in Toronto and I keep on meeting guys that live somewhere else so they can take me away. I really really do appreciate what you're saying because it has soo much truth to it, but I don't know how to do that. Do the meetings help with that?
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Post by LovelyJune on May 6, 2011 9:13:05 GMT -8
Why is it that when we know we have a problem with love addiction, we think a solution is more love from a different guy. You gotta get man out of the picture and learn to stand on your own. You're going to have to learn to stand on your own eventually. Might as well do it now.
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Post by tizzy on May 6, 2011 10:18:11 GMT -8
Lolita, yes the meetings do help! Even the phone meetings. Please check out the SLAA website and find some meetings you can attend ASAP. Talking to others who share your experiences is empowering. You will hear stories from people who are where you are as well as people who have recovered and are in a healthier place emotionally and relationship-wise.
Read everything you can. It will help you understand more about your disease. Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood was my first book on the subject and it really opened my eyes to what I am dealing with. I read my story over and over in that book.
Try to get the courage to kick ALL of the men out of your life right now and begin focusing on YOU. You won't get to the root of your issues as long as you keep men around to distract you. You want someone to save you but no one can do that. You are strong and are more than capable of saving yourself! SPend some time alone to figure out why you are a love addict and what you can do to overcome your addiction. Basically you'll have to get a life. I mean no disrespect with that. But as love addicts we tend to make other people's lives our lives, and that shouldn't be the case. We have to establish our own values and priorities and goals, and start doing the things WE enjoy and that make us feel happy and secure within ourselves. Essentially we have to learn how to fall in love with ourselves first before we can overcome this addiction and begin to learn how to properly love and connect with others.
It's a long road, and a tough journey but one that you must take if you want to stop these patterns in your life. I'm in recovery, and have cut out all men, and it certainly hasn't been a cake walk. But I am feeling so much better and I feel power in having full complete control of my own life. No man is doing it for me. No man or r'ship is my means of escape. I'm accomplishing things and figuring out stuff on my own. And that feels reaaaaaalllllly really good! There's a lot of power in self-love.
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Post by soulseeker on May 6, 2011 10:52:06 GMT -8
Dear Lolita,
The grief I got from being saved......I could never be all that I was meant to be.
For me, being saved was how I gave up my power to another human being.
I did not step up to being responsible for myself. I relied on my husband to take care of me. It set me up for years of unhappiness. The unhappiness stemmed from not being in control of my own destiny.
For me, to achieve my own destiny meant I had to grow up. I think being spoiled and given everything stunted my growth. It sure did not help me become a adult.
If you just want to get married, so many women do these days for the very same reason you have said, I say get married. But hopefully, you have had talks about finances and spending habits and goals, children, what a healthy marriage looks like and a time frame to really get to know each other.
You are 26 years old. You can make your life anything you want.
To marry someone to be saved is flirting with giving away your power.
I am a huge fan of counselors. I hope you talk to one before you make a decision, it could really help you get clear on what your reality is.......
I agree with Tizzy, there is a lot of power in self-love
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Post by skylark on May 6, 2011 11:56:07 GMT -8
I did not step up to being responsible for myself. I relied on my husband to take care of me. It set me up for years of unhappiness. Thank you for writing this so very much. And Absolutely right. This is a mistake I have made now as long as I can remember. Marriages, Boyfriends....yep. This is a trap/mistake more colossal than anything I have ever known in my life. I have figured out how to (and am able now) stay away from this trap physically but have not mastered changing my mindset yet. Makes sense I guess because this is the whole point of having thinking that is skewed as such. I KNOW that I can take care of myself but yet I still refuse to do it. I mean I just still am not able to find happiness, stability or even contentment alone as of now. I have forced attraction on people to whom I thought could rescue me. Reality: no one else is capable. Ughh...stings. |
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