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Post by runrunrun on Apr 9, 2011 3:27:48 GMT -8
Has anyone ever done this?
When I was with him I didnt want to be with him. We were so different. At times it was so bad that he even grossed me out. Like when he put his huge bare feet up on the table where our food was sitting. Or when he was shoveling food in his mouth as fast as he could. Mostly I didnt even like being around him and had to look the other way many times.
Then when I was away from him it was like I had this fantasy image of him in my head. Where he was this nice polite man with good manners. He became my fantasy man when we were apart.
I noticed myself doing this well before we broke up. I could create this huge fantasy of him in my head. But then when he was present the fantasy faded and the reality set in.
Has this happened to anyone else?
Runrunrun
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Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Apr 9, 2011 5:27:17 GMT -8
Totally..
Isn't that part of being an Ambivilant Love Addict?
I get these fantasies that I am totally attracted...then when I am with the perspon I have no desire for them. I started doing this the other day and did some self talking about it.
" You know... I Know you think this right now, but keep in mind that when we see him in person you will probably think another way.." It's like re learning what REALITY is...
We have such great imaginations! Artists really....
It's like creating lovely poetry where there is none...
I would like to make "wake up calls" look just as amazing...
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Post by tizzy on Apr 9, 2011 6:33:57 GMT -8
runrunrun, I experienced this to a degree in my relationships as well. It varied from totally being repulsed by the guy when I was actually physically with him, to being just kind of annoyed when he was around, versus the feel-good fantasies I'd have when they weren't around. I think that is the part of my love addiction that needs to be addressed the most. Perhaps I'm a bit of a fantasy addict I guess? Always thinking the outcome will somehow be this beautiful ending to what in real life is a horrible existence. I am working very hard on changing this way of thinking. Its easy now while I'm on my man-hiatus, but the real test will be when I start dating again. I have to learn to keep those fleeing fantasy thoughts in check and not let them run away with me and guide me in the wrong direction in my relationships.
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Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Apr 9, 2011 10:16:42 GMT -8
I have also found that when I go into fantasy about someone, I really need to be thinking about me.
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Post by runrunrun on Apr 9, 2011 14:00:49 GMT -8
I guess this is one of the lessons of this relationship. I always thought God would have a lesson in this relationship for me. I knew he wasnt the 'one'. So I knew there would be some sort of love addiction lesson. In my past relationships I always wanted to change the man into the person I wanted him to be. This time I knew I couldnt change him, so I guess instead I created a fantasy of him in my head.
Thanks so much for relating to it. Aloha, I think youre right that this might be a big part about being a love addict.Thanks
Runrunrun
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Post by Bo on Apr 10, 2011 13:51:06 GMT -8
Runrunrun, I've been doing the fantasizing thing lately too. Without going into all the details, since I don't want to conjure up the fantasy, Those fantasy thoughts going on in my mind are part of addiction disease. The thoughts will create any image or idea to make me get back into the disease of feeding that needy need the sick part of me thought I had.
The sick part of me, is no longer in control of my actions anymore, now that I have some Recovery. I recognize the fantasy as not real, and I no longer feel like I need to act out and call the man or be with him because he's such a wonderful man.
I don't let the disease trick me into believing that somehow I will be fed or satisfied by taking a "hit' off the man. In a meeting, I learned the term: "Getting out of my head". They said that alot in the meeting because the triggers that caused acting out started inside the mind, so when I "Get outside of my head" I drop the fantasy and return to reality. In my head, the PoA is Mr Wonderful, but in reality [outside my head] he's Mr. NO-GOOD-FOR-ME. So it's best for me to stay “outside of my head” and be true to myself, which is a hard lesson to learn.
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Post by runrunrun on Apr 10, 2011 16:10:43 GMT -8
Maybe theres a way to remind us of the real him. Like notes or something. A reality check. Maybe incidents that tell the real him. Like my reminder of the real him would be a note about his back peddling. He says one thing then when that one thing isnt what I wanted to hear he back peddles and tries to twist and turn around his original statement to make him look like the good guy. OMG he does it all the time. I think I might do this. Just as a reminder why I left him and why I should not contact him.
Runrunrun
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Post by overcomer on Aug 13, 2011 13:52:12 GMT -8
Count me in! I also used to think that my POA is everything I wanted in a best friend/sister! That she's such a beautiful dream come true! Well for many yrs it's a reality. But since last yr, things went to opposite direction. From a beautiful dream to almost a nightmare! But I still kept holding on that fantasy even the reality is there's nothing to like from her anymore. So that got me stuck for a yr and a half or so. I only got fully awakened early this month after I got tortured by her sudden heartless, brutal remarks. It's my turning point from fantasy to reality!  |
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Aug 13, 2011 16:05:09 GMT -8
Oh, I relate SO WELL. I mean, that's just about the whole story for me. It's SO HARD to let go of the fantasy, because it feels REAL. I literally felt like I was cutting off one of my limbs to move out of his house, I was so attached to the story of being with him. My fantasy about him just removes the daily reality out of who he is, and leaves all the bits that are great. And emphasises them.
The great things about him (see my thread flying too close to the sun) are all true, but the reality is he lives a life I can't stand. Sedentary, drug addicted, isolated. When he comes out of his cave sometimes I get to see the great side to him. But it's pretty rare.
Oh, I forgot the most important part. He's used drugs all his life to deal with his problems. So when we had issues to deal with he would just go and get stoned. SO FRUSTRATING. We got nowhere.
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Post by Loving My Life on Aug 13, 2011 17:54:07 GMT -8
Yes I did the same thing with my POA, and he feed on the fantasy also, b/c if he had of jst been honest with me from the start, he knew I would of been gone. But it felt so real to me, and it broke my heart in the process, but it has made me a better woman b/c of it, I here with everyone else sharing, and not obsessing over a fantasy anymore. And Im learning so very much from everyone on the forum. I see my glass is half full now, its very empowering.
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Post by runrunrun on Aug 14, 2011 3:07:05 GMT -8
caro and jacara, you guys sound like youre doing really well. Its good to read. Keep plugging away. I have heard that its like peeling the layers of an onion. I feel that way too. Like the smelling outer layers are being peeled away from me.
RRR
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Post by Loving My Life on Aug 14, 2011 4:23:46 GMT -8
RRR, I does feel like peeling the layers of a onion...more is being revealed everyday. The longer that I dont hear from my POA, the more I see the reality of what happened. It was all his sick fantasy, and I was so gullible/naive I believed he really loved me...now that Im seeing it for what it really was, I going to have to try and not start beating myself up. I had some negative thoughts last nite, thinking how could I have been so naive. Now the real work begins, not thinking negative abt myself, and falling in the man trap again or at least for awhile. ;-)
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Post by nvr2late on Aug 14, 2011 9:15:27 GMT -8
Absolutely, RRR! I do believe my husband changed over the years, but as time went on so many things about him became repugnant to me. When I was away from him for a time, I would forget all the little things that turned me off, and only remember what I liked about him. This has of course happened since our separation.
One of the good things that came of us spending about 3 weeks together in July was that I was able to see these things manifested again, only this time without the rose colored glasses of addiction and the fur coat of denial on (as Natalie of BR so eloquently puts it!) and that helped me stay focused on a few of the reasons why I needed to be away from him.
And just to clarify, I think this is sort of a "looking at the whole package" sort of thing if that makes sense. I do believe we are to be accepting of people's flaws to some degree. We need to know what our dealbreakers are for sure, but acceptance and tolerance must be weighed in balance.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Aug 15, 2011 1:29:37 GMT -8
Yeah vr2late, I agree with your point about "looking at the whole package". this chimes in on something I've been aware of for some time, and someone else mentioned it on another post, I really don't want to become some kind of CODA LA nazi who can't put up with one single flaw or codep trait in anyone else. Like the ex-smoker who glares and whinges about anyone who dares to smoke within 100 metres of another human.
And it's so tricky for the raging LA inside me, as the disease specialises in disappearing boundaries and denial. So I have to trust the process. I'll find my way even if I eff up a bit.
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Post by Loving My Life on Aug 15, 2011 1:57:04 GMT -8
Jaca, I dont want to go the total opposite direction, I want too find balance. I dont want to be self-centered either. So it is tricky, i just want healthy positive people in my life, and i will take a risk again, but the difference now will be if i know the relationship is not going in the right direction, i will let get alot sooner b4 i start obsessing...i was talking about that yesterday I dont want to think all men are jerks, and get a negative attitude abt all men, so for me i need to heal first and worry abt men later on....
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Post by runrunrun on Aug 16, 2011 17:39:08 GMT -8
Caro, Yeah I agree about healing first then worrying about men later on. First things first. I too worry about what it will be like when I start dating. But I will save that for when the time comes.
The interesting thing is I never look back and think of ex;s and their good parts. I remember all the bad stuff. Then I wonder why I was with them in the first place. I took months to figure out if I should break up with him or not. When all along it was soooo obvious. I just chose to ignore the obvious.
I even had an 8 month relationship with a racist. Love addicted me ignored his racist comments. When they should have been a huge red flag telling me to get out and get out quick!
RRR
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Post by nvr2late on Aug 17, 2011 6:59:17 GMT -8
This thread has so many good insights!
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