bobat
Junior Member
Posts: 87
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Post by bobat on Apr 30, 2011 23:11:03 GMT -8
i recently started dating a new guy, who i have no feelings for. hes a nice guy but he doesnt interest me, i dont feel any connnection with him. this confused me because it made me think "well if im not desperate to fall in love and be in a relationship i must not be a love addict"
i just read the definition of a torchbearer and it seems a lot more like me. all my life i have held a torch from someone, a torch that doesnt disappear until i pass it on to someone. i recently passed on the torch from my ex who broke up with me over a year ago to a guy i met in the beginning of april. this guy recently decided i was too intense and that we were not to see each other for a month, during which i met the new guy who i realize i dont have feelings for even though i very badly want a relationship.
but are torchbearers love addicts? is passing the torch really the only way to deal? it just seems so unhealthy and it feels terrible to just keep idolizing these men when they dont love you back/ all i can think about right now is the guy from early april and how i wont be able to see him again for another 3 weeks. it feels like an eternity to me. i dont want to spend the rest of my life yearning over people. im sick of it. it feels aweful.
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Post by melodyrose on May 1, 2011 6:10:32 GMT -8
Yes I do believe being a Torch bearer is being a love addict. Susan gives these type of people their own category on this site . These type of love addicts have the most difficult time moving on. Read on that link . It really must be torturous to pine for unavailable people. It does keep you from being present in your own life which is very sad. I'm personally grateful that I don't suffer from this.
Also I personally believe there will be a little of this normally when a relationship ends. Lets face it, sometimes it's hard to 100% let go of someone that you loved until you find another. But you should also have a healthy ability to eventually start enjoying your own life along with the grieving. Some can't do this which I guess is the definition of a torch bearer. Someone told me one time that just knowing what they are "Torch Bearer" will help them. Like when you keep pining , you can think " Oh ya, here I go again", doing my torch bearing thing again. Would it help that there would be recoginition of this behavior? Maybe, maybe not...
Perhaps you need to just get rid of these guys that make you feel this way. Like the one that you are waiting for for three weeks until you "settle Down" some. If someone told me that, I would move on to love someone that accepts the love that I have to give. I wouldn't waste my time with a person that is already telling me how to love. In a way, this demand from him can even escalate your torch bearing. He sounds incapable of dealing with you as you are and perhaps is just a way for him to buy time. This to me, sounds like a cop out. Just some food for thought for you today.
Take care,
Melodyrose
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bobat
Junior Member
Posts: 87
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Post by bobat on May 1, 2011 14:32:34 GMT -8
no he didnt say 3 weeks till we settle down. he said 3 weeks of no contact, period. he said there is no hope for a relationship between us because i make him feel bad about himself and it reminds him of his ex wife
also, i think the same way, i think i am a great girl and any guy i love should be thrilled and should want to jump into a relationship with me. this guy wanted to "take it slow" yet was quick to jump into bed...which is what we fought about...the fact that he was so cautious to call me his gf yet was perfectly fine sleeping with me after only knowing me a day. he makes me feel like im the weirdo for expecting him to commit to me right away, but i figure, if you like someone, wouldnt you want to commit right away?
in all my history no guy has ever accepted the love i have to give him. they all freak out and think im moving too fast. in the past i used to be good at hiding how much i liked them and so i would have semi successful relationships for a few months or so, but now i am sick of having to hide my feelings. like i wrote in here, i feel i am very intuative and am not the type of person who needs time to figure out if i like someone. when i like someone i know right away and want to secure them as a bf as soon as possible. he made me feel like this was odd behavior which is why i started looking into love addiction, thinking im the one who is at fault and not normal for feeling this way. he couldnt even define what a relationship was. he said its shared experiences...thats not even a definition and it sounds like just a normal friendship.
youre right he is telling me how to love. and so is every guy i have ever been with,. the guy i dated prior to him also told me i was moving and demanding stuff too fast...again it amazes me how guys are okay with jumping into bed, but jumping into a relationship is so scary for them. my guy friends all tell me that to get a guy i need to act uninterested. it is so sad that guys need to be with a girl who doesnt even care about them. that is just so backwards, wrong and depressing to me.
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Post by tizzy on May 1, 2011 18:26:41 GMT -8
["and want to secure them as a bf as soon as possible"]
Why do you feel the need to "secure" them ASAP, as if they are a possession of some sort that will be taken off the market if you don't act fast? If a guy wants to be with you, trust me, nothing will stop him. He will be with you. And if he does get "taken off the market" it's b/c he didn't want to be with you, he wanted to be with someone else.
Your whole approach to men and dating is skewed. You do move too fast and it is disconcerting. I'm a female, and if a man asked me to be in a committed relationship as soon as I met him, or even within a week of it, I would think he is crazy and hightail it the opposite direction.
The push into a relationship so early on is a preliminary sign of emotional abuse and control. The jealousy and possessive that come with that are also signs of abuse and control. That is not healthy behavior. bobat, if you came here for help the first step is admitting you do have a problem. From your posts I don't know that you are aware that you do.
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Post by tizzy on May 1, 2011 18:33:18 GMT -8
One more thing to add, you say that all these guys are telling you how to love. I see it as them telling you their boundaries. Coincidentally they all appear to be telling you the same thing--that you move too fast. Maybe you do, maybe you don't. I don't know. But it is apparent that you are chasing after unavailable men. If you want to stop the feeling of insanity and emptiness you are experiencing, then you'll have to change the way you operate. It is very unhealthy. Reading this website and some of the books recommended under the Books section can help a lot with understanding your love addiction and how to address it.
Don't look at the guys as the problem. Look at them as a symptom of a deeper underlying issue within yourself. What are you chasing? Who didn't give you the love you desperately wanted and needed as a child? Check out the Inner Child Corner section of this website. It is very insightful and did wonders for me getting to the core of my love addiction. Once I discovered my Inner children so many questions about my addictive love behaviors were answered. It all made sense. And I felt empowered to know how I could go about correcting them.
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bobat
Junior Member
Posts: 87
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Post by bobat on May 1, 2011 20:54:40 GMT -8
i dont get why a guy who wants to be with me would shy away from a relationship asap.
im just confused. some people say if a guy acts distant or doesnt want to commit it means hes jusrt not that into me and that i deserve better. then other people like you are telling me that theyre just being normal and i should move slower and let them take their sweet time to decide when its finally time to commit. its so contradictory and i dont know who to listen to.
i had far too much love from my parents as a child. its everyone else who never gave it to me. i was never popular or cool or had many friends.
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Post by tizzy on May 2, 2011 6:17:46 GMT -8
bobat, a guy who want to be with you WON'T shy away from a relationship with you. That's the point I don't think you understand. If a guy acts distant or doesn't want to commit, that means he does not want to be with you. AT that point you have to have enough self-love and self-respect to leave him be and move on with your life.
As love addicts we make finding love the center of our world. It shouldn't be. Our lives should be filled with more than just obsession over love and men. bobat if you want to recover from your love addiction (and yes, you ARE a love addict), then you will have to radically change your ideals about love and relationships. Your current approach is clearly not working for you and never will. Why not take a step away from men for awhile and work on yourself. Work on finding out what it is you're chasing after from men and how you can overcome that. Find out what it is that YOU want in life (besides love from a man) and start setting goals and working towards them. It's time to start taking care of you. Chasing these men takes your focus off your own life. It helps you avoid YOU. Its now time to stop doing that and focus on your own life.
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Post by tizzy on May 2, 2011 6:22:16 GMT -8
bobat, what are your goals for yourself right now?
Also, have you though about what your values are?
WHen I first started recovery, focusing on these two things, along with identifying bottom-line behaviors for myself, were some of the first things I did to begin overcoming my love addiction. Once I thought about what my values are, and what I would like to accomplish for myself in life, I found the power of my love addiction slowly releasing its hold over me. I'm still an addict, but I'm beginning to see the light. The world doesn't revolve around men and love and relationships. My life is starting to have so much more to it than just that, and all that drama that comes with chasing unavailable men. As I accomplish more goals for myself, I'm starting to get to a point where a man will have to bring a whole lot to the table for me to even consider letting him in my life. He will be a complement to me, not a fulfillment of who I am. We can't look to our relationships with others as a form of completion or validation of ourselves. We have to do that for ourselves.
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bobat
Junior Member
Posts: 87
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Post by bobat on May 3, 2011 18:09:54 GMT -8
so this guy who said i was coming on too strong wasnt gonna ever enter a relationship with me? even if i had taken it slow and not freaked out? i am trying but it is so hard to focus on anything else when my love life is in shambles. when i have a bf its so much easier. i get motivated. i make new goals for myself. heck with my last relationship i was even inspired to look into grad school and started taking classes. its so hard to even get out of bed right now. i have so much more i want to accomplish but im so lonely. my friends dont even have time for me, i just have no motivation anymore  |
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Post by tizzy on May 4, 2011 5:18:21 GMT -8
bobat, you are in the throws of your love addiction right now. THat is why you feel the way you do right now. I used to feel the exact same way, like my life was just over if my love life sucked. But you know what? If you want to recover from your addiction and reclaim your life back, you have to change your way of thinking. You have to stop thinking with your emotions, as LovelyJune would say, and start thinking with your head and as an adult. Your emotions cause you to make childish decisions, like put everything on hold while you chase after love from a man. But you logic, your head, the adult part of you needs to step in and say, "look, my love life maybe in shambles but the rest of my life must go on. I need to take care of myself."
bobat, you have given a lot of your power over to the men in your life. TAKE IT BACK! STart reading about the 12 Steps on this board, get some books on 12 Steps, Codependency and Love Addiction, and start working on recovery!
You say all these men "inspired" you to set goals and "motivated" you and made your life "easier." bobat, you are a grown woman. You should not have to rely on anyone else to motivate you, encourage you to set goals, or make your life easier. You are able to do that for yourself and you SHOULD. Those men didn't make your life easier. You just think they did. If they were making it easier you wouldn't be in so much pain right now saying your life is in shambles.
So take back your power. That comes with recovery and working the steps and staying focused on YOURSELF. Forget these men. Get rid of all of them and just focus on you right now. They can't and they won't solve your problems because they are NOT the answer nor the cause. You are the only person capable of turning your life around. We are all here to help you.
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Post by tizzy on May 4, 2011 5:20:39 GMT -8
bobat, also check out the Recovery tab and the Success Stories tabs when you get a chance. You'll see that with the hard work of recovery comes tremendous payoffs. People have found peace, accomplishments and even love after recovering from their love addiction by working the 12 steps. So it can work but only if you commit to it and embrace a new way of thinking.
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whyme
Junior Member
Posts: 67
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Post by whyme on May 4, 2011 7:55:00 GMT -8
Bobat, I understand this feeling of being motivated when you have a boyfriend, and barely able to get out of bed when you don't. The same thing happens to me. When my ex girlfriend and I were together, I was on top of the world. Even if we weren't physically together, just knowing I had someone who was out there and was in a relationship with me made me feel motivated to do other things in my life that I enjoyed or wanted to accomplish. Of course, if I didn't see or hear from her for a day or two, or if she didn't respond to a text for several hours, then that would just send me right back down into a funk. Why were my moods so dependent on her and what she was or was not doing? I've had to ask myself, why would I not be motivated to do things I enjoy and/or want to accomplish even when I'm on my own? My theory is that this is all brain chemistry/depression related. And of course it is the addiction at work. I'm beginning to think that, for me, the love addiction might be helping me to alleviate clinical depression. I suspect I have suffered from depression on and off my whole life. I'm going to start seeing a new therapist this week to help me figure this out and am seriously considering getting on an antidepressant. I'm not suggesting you should do this. It's just something to consider. Also, reading about this addiction on this board and in books has really helped me to gain some clarity about myself and my patterns. And THAT has helped me to feel a bit more uplifted and motivated to enjoy life as a single person while I work on myself and my recovery. I'm just getting started, and some days are still really bad. Just last week I had a major slip up and it sent me into a week-long funk. This week is better. Today is kind of blah. Why? I think it's because yesterday I was giving my ex too much headspace. Thinking about her way too much. Anyway, I suggest you read read read everything you can about LA and also check out this Web site: www.baggagereclaim.co.ukIt'll help you to understand yourself more and deal with these jerks you've been going out with. |
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bobat
Junior Member
Posts: 87
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Post by bobat on May 8, 2011 20:32:19 GMT -8
Thanks yeah it might be hormonal. I started taking sam e during my last breakup and it did help. I'm not taking it anymore and I'm thnking I should go back on. Unfortunately I ddont have health insurance or the money for a therappist so I really see that as a last resort for myself because then my financial life would also be in shambles. And I'm sad that people thin the guys I date are jerks. They're really not they just don't want the burdon of dealing with my self esteem issues. I live in la and do meet quite a few jerks. The guys I date are angels
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Post by dorkestbeforedawn on May 8, 2011 21:32:47 GMT -8
Well, some people are jerks and some are not. We aren't capable of telling the difference in our state, and it is not easy to swallow that. But, even healthy, intelligent, wise, etc. people can't tell as fast as we move. That's why we have to learn how to set ourselves right enough that we can take our time and do our own thing while the relationship plays out. And, if it's not right, we can cut 'em loose and not have crazy drama and agony over it.
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bobat
Junior Member
Posts: 87
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Post by bobat on May 8, 2011 23:21:38 GMT -8
yI think I can tell the difference between a pig who uses women like disposable toys and a guy who simplyy wants to have sex with me but likes me and sees me as a human being. I am fuming that people think I date pigs. Id rather die than ever date a manprostitute
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Post by tizzy on May 9, 2011 6:00:44 GMT -8
bobat, you sounds like you are in serious denial about your love addiction. I am unsure of exactly what you are looking for on this board. Do you want people to condone your choices? Do you want help? What is it exactly that you are seeking here? We will be better able to help you if we understand why you're here.
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Post by LovelyJune on May 9, 2011 7:46:05 GMT -8
OK well, if the guys you date are angels then what's the problem? You need to look inward. If they are not interested in your self-esteem issues, then it's time to take a break from dating and work on yourself. Believe me, they're not going anywhere. There will still be a gazillion men around when you decide to date again.
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bobat
Junior Member
Posts: 87
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Post by bobat on May 9, 2011 13:56:06 GMT -8
im not in denial about having a love addiction. but im really uspet that people are implying that im easy or that the men i date are jerks. i truly believe that you are who you hang out with, and if the men id ate are jerks then that implies that i too am a jerk and we deserve each other. i date nice guys. i am surrounded by plenty of jerks, i do not give them the time of day.
it just doesnt feel like there will always be a gazillion of men around, thats why im so scared. it seems like every cute guy i see has a wedding ring on or is holding on to a girlfriend and the only onses left are hideous and skanky and wear ed hardy shirts. im serious. and it makes sense,...why wouldnt the good guys be snatched up? im at the age where everyone is getting married already, as shocking as it seems. i always thought people would wait till theyre 30 at least but people are getting engaged at 24 now. im realizing my options are limited now. its rare that i find a single guy who is attractive and isnt a polygamous man w.ho.r.e. if i wait a year who knows how few will be left? the guy im recently pining over is divorced! if you would have asked me a year ago i would have said i would never date a divorced guy, that i deserve better than that...but im realizing now that at my age most of the good men are taken and if i want a good man im either going to have to date an 18 year old who is a good man in training or date a divorced guy,a nd im really not attracted to 18 year olds. im starting to notice that the men in the age range im attracted to 27-37 are at the age where they should be getting married, and the more awesome they are the more chances that someone already is engaged to them. so the only guys left are guys who are so terrible that no one wants to marry them, guys with commitment issues, or divorced guys who probably now have commitment issues due to their marriage that didnt work. its just sad.
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Post by brooklynberry on May 9, 2011 14:05:01 GMT -8
I don't think anyone is implying that you're easy or your partners are jerks. TO me it seems like you have incredibly low self esteem and are demanding that someone else, namely potential boyfriends, fix this. No one can fix this for you but you. No one can fill a hole like that inside you.
Even moreso, even if you did meet a great guy (which you say you have, so) this problem doesn't go away. Engagement, marriage, etc. will not fix this.
And fwiw, many people get divorced just as fast and often as you see them getting married.
ie me.
I can't even go much futher into this bc I find this whole thing so sad and off the right path.
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Post by dorkestbeforedawn on May 9, 2011 14:17:15 GMT -8
Well, first of all, the person you date is not a reflection of you, at all, period. That kind of thinking is what brings us really bad things like "trophy wives/husbands." You are you and he is he.
No one here is calling you a promiscuous or easy. You have to realize that many folks here have wrestled with the same exact stuff with which you are wrestling, and no one here is in a position to lay judgments on you. That is the purpose here, as I have seen it so far: to have a way to discuss and learn how to recover from similar illnesses without the fear of being abused.
Some of the more experienced folks may have to tell us things that are difficult to accept. It's hard for me to choke down the pride and really try to understand what they are pointing out, because I am emotional and full of pride. But when I do, d*mn it helps so much to understand what is going on in this wild head of mine.
I really look forward to seeing you putting your due value on yourself! You can totally get this.
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bobat
Junior Member
Posts: 87
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Post by bobat on May 9, 2011 17:19:46 GMT -8
youre right i am looking for them to fix me. the last guy even told me "its not my job to solve your problems"
which to me seems selfish of him but i guess its selfish of me to expect him to be my knight. and i know a lot of people get divorced, but at least they were loved. ive never been loved...truly loved. the closest i have gotten to being loved is from a guy who didnt realize he "loved me" till a year after we broke up and even then he wouldnt straight out say he loved me.
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Post by tizzy on May 9, 2011 18:00:24 GMT -8
bobat, you aren't brought into the world deserving of someone to love you. Some people go to their grave having never been truly loved by anyone. And that's okay! You must love yourself. If you grow to love and appreciate yourself you won't care if some man will ever love you or not. I don't know if you're spiritual or not but you can also look to your Higher Power (ie God) for love and acceptance.
bobat, do you love yourself? If not, that should be one of the first things you begin working on in recovery. It is our ultimate goal as love addicts. We seek love from others when we don't even love ourselves. Many of us came here disappointed in ourselves, hating ourselves, despising ourselves, upset with ourselves, sad, angry. The list goes on. We have to take all that negative energy out of ourselves and learn how to replace it with acceptance of who we are and love for who we are. We can do that by establishing values, goals and boundaries and learning to assert ourselves. We also learn to love ourselves by figuring out our lives for ourselves, and doing things we enjoy.
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Post by tizzy on May 9, 2011 18:01:17 GMT -8
bobat, are you willing to stop looking to men to fix you and love you? Are you willing to learn how to love yourself? Do you want that for yourself?
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Post by brooklynberry on May 9, 2011 18:56:35 GMT -8
Based on a relationship I have with someone who has this, your issues to me sound like it's possible that you have borderline personality disorder. Look it up. You may relate.
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bobat
Junior Member
Posts: 87
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Post by bobat on May 9, 2011 22:16:57 GMT -8
yes that sounds a lot like me. especially the intense fear of rejection. i dont know what would have triggered it though. i was never sexually abused
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Post by LovelyJune on May 10, 2011 2:11:03 GMT -8
BPD can be genetic. It doesn't necessarily take trauma to create it.
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Post by brooklynberry on May 10, 2011 4:19:49 GMT -8
You early have to see a psychiatrist to get diagnosed. I'm certainly not a doctor. If you got some treatment from professionals it could be life changing.
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Post by brooklynberry on May 10, 2011 9:17:14 GMT -8
this sums it up better than wikipedia in "real world" terms: www.palace.net/llama/psych/bpd.htmlyou don't need to have been sexually abused at all. You can have been raised perfectly and still have it. a lot on here - wanting relationships, demanding to be saved, etc. of course one of the issues with borderlines is that they often refuse treatment - nature of the illness. |
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Post by soulseeker on May 10, 2011 12:31:51 GMT -8
i recently started dating a new guy, who i have no feelings for. hes a nice guy but he doesnt interest me, i dont feel any connnection with him. this confused me because it made me think "well if im not desperate to fall in love and be in a relationship i must not be a love addict" That makes me very sad knowing that you are dating a guy and don’t really like him. It makes me wonder… does he know you are toying with him. Just from your posts and seeing your defensiveness, my advice for you is to seek professional counseling. You could turn around your life and not suffer a life of LA pain, which is where you are heading with your current state of affairs. I wish I had of got help younger than I did. Since counseling my life turned around and I have never looked back. I was one sick puppy…… just like you. When people say things you don’t like hearing, instead of being angry and defensive or just not listening, you might want to try to be curious, maybe even consider they may have wisdom for you. |
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Post by brooklynberry on May 10, 2011 13:55:29 GMT -8
no person with any idea of mental health - a therpist, a person recovering, anyone is ever going to say that expecting other people to solve your problems is healthy. The guy who refused to? THAT IS A HEALTHY response.
maybe what you can learn here is maybe the guys you date are healthy. It's you who isn't.
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