Post by emilywebb on May 31, 2011 15:01:19 GMT -8
I think I might be a relationship addict in addiction to being a torch bearer. Or, at least, I think I'm addicted to the relationship that I'm in right now. I had this whole message type up and then my computer crashed just as I was about to finish it.
Anyway, my current relationship isn't what I would call great. I'm dependent on this guy financially, even though I work, and well, let me just tell you a little bit about what goes on.
I've been in a relationship with this guy for several years. I don't think I've ever been in love with him or had feelings for him really. I think he's a fun person and I enjoy his company and I care for him and I can tell that he cares about me.
He's always had depression and anxiety issues and he's never done anything about it until relatively recently. He has a very stressful corporate job at a very demanding company, and he works all the time, from about 8 in the morning until 10 or so at night, and he has to work weekends as well. So I know his job is stressful. But the anxiety and depression have just gotten worse over the past several months. He talks about wanting to kill himself every single effing day. Several times a day. Or he talks about how he wants to die. Or something. I moved to another city with him in January and he had an MD in our old town who wrote him a prescription for some medication and that helped some. But, he was supposed to get a doctor here to write him a prescription because the old doctor said she couldn't do it without seeing him, but he didn't get an appointment made he's out of medicine and so he's not taking any medication anymore.
I don't spend much time with him because he works so much anyway, and I spend most of my time alone. I mean I work 40 hours a week, so it's not like I mooch off him, but I have a lot of bills. Anyway, I'm dependent on him. I feel like he's dependent on me emotionally and needs me to support him. I have to tell him like 20 times a day not to kill himself. When he's in a good mood, things are ok, but he's not in a good mood a lot of the time.
I mean I really care for this guy. I don't have any romantic feelings for him really and I don't want to sleep with him. I know he would be very hurt if I ended the relationship, and I don't even know if I want to at this point. I feel trapped but at the same time, I feel unhappy. This is the only relationship I've ever been in really in my entire life. This is not to mention I have a couple friends who were pressuring me into the relationship in the first place, and now these two friends think I should marry him. :rolleyes: I don't really have anybody I can talk to about it because everyone seems to think I should just put up with it and stick around. But I am putting up with it and sticking around.... ugh.... He stresses mostly about his job and money all the time. I called someone today to get him an appointment, but he's complaining how he can't afford it, and he doesn't have insurance right now, and it's offered through his job, but first he said he didn't sign up because he missed the deadline, and now he's telling me he won't ever sign up for it because it "costs too much."
He says he just wants to quit his job, but he has a history of doing this. He dropped out of college three times. He had a job at this one place that he hated, and he quit to go back to school, which he later quit. He just has this history of wanting to quit every time things get too tough. So now he says he wants to quit this job. Or he says he can't find another job because he doesn't have a degree and that he has to get something that will pay him as much as this job in order to survive.
The reason I started with this guy in the first place is because I had this huge crush on this guy in graduate school who was unavailable. I started dating the guy I'm with because I couldn't be with the guy I liked. It didn't occur to me to just stay single. Plus I had a couple friends pushing me and I listened to them. If I had self-esteem and self-confidence, I wouldn't have gotten into this relationship in the first place. I had never had a boyfriend before and I was really lonely and I felt like I had to "move on" from the crush. It took me about two years or so to get over the crush. The relationship didn't help really. I mean he's nice and stuff.
And don't even get me started when I think how things are unsatisfactory with this guy and I start thinking about my POA and how things would be SO much better with him (hahahahaha).
I feel this is also a repeat of my relationship with my mom. My mom is schizophrenic and I had to live with her after college to keep her "sane" and I lived with her after graduate school as well. My sister moved out and my dad had passed away when I was in high school, so it fell up on me to look after her. I sort of felt like it was my job and I also felt like I was the only one left and I had to do it because no one else was around. I had to call doctors and make appointments and take her in to see the psychiatrist when she was going off the deep end. I was also dependent on her financially because it took me a long time after graduate school to find a job, and when I did find one, it was part-time. I'm from Michigan. Economically depressed state, etc.
I guess I better post this before my computer crashes again. Anyway, any advice would be appreciated. I think I'm addicted to this relationship, although every day more and more I wonder if it wouldn't be better if I just left, but I'm held back by wondering if I really want to and how I would even begin to learn how to survive on my own. I'm getting pretty sick and tired of it, and I've been tired of it for a while. The worse he gets, the angrier I get and the more I want to leave. I don't know. I probably have more to type, but I don't have anyone to talk to really and I needed to have a place to vent.
Thanks for reading.
Anyway, my current relationship isn't what I would call great. I'm dependent on this guy financially, even though I work, and well, let me just tell you a little bit about what goes on.
I've been in a relationship with this guy for several years. I don't think I've ever been in love with him or had feelings for him really. I think he's a fun person and I enjoy his company and I care for him and I can tell that he cares about me.
He's always had depression and anxiety issues and he's never done anything about it until relatively recently. He has a very stressful corporate job at a very demanding company, and he works all the time, from about 8 in the morning until 10 or so at night, and he has to work weekends as well. So I know his job is stressful. But the anxiety and depression have just gotten worse over the past several months. He talks about wanting to kill himself every single effing day. Several times a day. Or he talks about how he wants to die. Or something. I moved to another city with him in January and he had an MD in our old town who wrote him a prescription for some medication and that helped some. But, he was supposed to get a doctor here to write him a prescription because the old doctor said she couldn't do it without seeing him, but he didn't get an appointment made he's out of medicine and so he's not taking any medication anymore.
I don't spend much time with him because he works so much anyway, and I spend most of my time alone. I mean I work 40 hours a week, so it's not like I mooch off him, but I have a lot of bills. Anyway, I'm dependent on him. I feel like he's dependent on me emotionally and needs me to support him. I have to tell him like 20 times a day not to kill himself. When he's in a good mood, things are ok, but he's not in a good mood a lot of the time.
I mean I really care for this guy. I don't have any romantic feelings for him really and I don't want to sleep with him. I know he would be very hurt if I ended the relationship, and I don't even know if I want to at this point. I feel trapped but at the same time, I feel unhappy. This is the only relationship I've ever been in really in my entire life. This is not to mention I have a couple friends who were pressuring me into the relationship in the first place, and now these two friends think I should marry him. :rolleyes: I don't really have anybody I can talk to about it because everyone seems to think I should just put up with it and stick around. But I am putting up with it and sticking around.... ugh.... He stresses mostly about his job and money all the time. I called someone today to get him an appointment, but he's complaining how he can't afford it, and he doesn't have insurance right now, and it's offered through his job, but first he said he didn't sign up because he missed the deadline, and now he's telling me he won't ever sign up for it because it "costs too much."
He says he just wants to quit his job, but he has a history of doing this. He dropped out of college three times. He had a job at this one place that he hated, and he quit to go back to school, which he later quit. He just has this history of wanting to quit every time things get too tough. So now he says he wants to quit this job. Or he says he can't find another job because he doesn't have a degree and that he has to get something that will pay him as much as this job in order to survive.
The reason I started with this guy in the first place is because I had this huge crush on this guy in graduate school who was unavailable. I started dating the guy I'm with because I couldn't be with the guy I liked. It didn't occur to me to just stay single. Plus I had a couple friends pushing me and I listened to them. If I had self-esteem and self-confidence, I wouldn't have gotten into this relationship in the first place. I had never had a boyfriend before and I was really lonely and I felt like I had to "move on" from the crush. It took me about two years or so to get over the crush. The relationship didn't help really. I mean he's nice and stuff.
And don't even get me started when I think how things are unsatisfactory with this guy and I start thinking about my POA and how things would be SO much better with him (hahahahaha).
I feel this is also a repeat of my relationship with my mom. My mom is schizophrenic and I had to live with her after college to keep her "sane" and I lived with her after graduate school as well. My sister moved out and my dad had passed away when I was in high school, so it fell up on me to look after her. I sort of felt like it was my job and I also felt like I was the only one left and I had to do it because no one else was around. I had to call doctors and make appointments and take her in to see the psychiatrist when she was going off the deep end. I was also dependent on her financially because it took me a long time after graduate school to find a job, and when I did find one, it was part-time. I'm from Michigan. Economically depressed state, etc.
I guess I better post this before my computer crashes again. Anyway, any advice would be appreciated. I think I'm addicted to this relationship, although every day more and more I wonder if it wouldn't be better if I just left, but I'm held back by wondering if I really want to and how I would even begin to learn how to survive on my own. I'm getting pretty sick and tired of it, and I've been tired of it for a while. The worse he gets, the angrier I get and the more I want to leave. I don't know. I probably have more to type, but I don't have anyone to talk to really and I needed to have a place to vent.
Thanks for reading.
