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Post by Susan Peabody on Jun 28, 2008 12:16:08 GMT -8
I was growing up I was very headstrong. It was difficult for my parents to discipline me, so they gave up trying. Interestingly enough, this lack of discipline made me feel unloved. I remember wishing I had some of the restrictions that my friends moaned and groaned about. As an adult, I was introduced to the concept of self-parenting (or reparenting) in a support group. Self-parenting is a therapeutic approach to healing the wounds of our childhood. It is an attempt to give ourselves now what we did not get as children. The “inner child” is a term adopted from a concept introduced by Eric Berne in his book, The Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships. In his book, Berne introduces the world to Transactional Analyses, a revolutionary new way of looking at the human psyche. Later Thomas Harris in his book, I’m OK, You’re OK, popularized this idea. The child ego state eventually became the “inner child,” which in turn led to a series of popular books: Hugh Missildine’s Your Inner Child of the Past; Charles Whitfield’s Healing the Child Within; John Bradshaw’s Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child; Philip Oliver-Diaz and Patricia O’Gorman’s Twelve Steps to Self Parenting; and Cathryn Taylor’s The Inner Workbook: What to Do With Your Past When it Won’t Go Away, just to name a few. Over the years the concept of the inner child has been both applauded and trivialized, but it is still an important tool to help us finally grow beyond an arrested state of development. When I first heard about self-parenting, I was excited about what it offered. I recognized that part of my personality that embodied an emotionally undeveloped little girl who felt unloved and ashamed of herself. Up to this point I had never really had a concept of myself this way. I had been told by my friends that I could “act like a child” and I knew that I was wounded, but it never occurred to me that I could heal this part of myself by getting to know my inner child. Suddenly I was excited about giving my inner child the love and benevolent discipline that she had been denied years before. I also knew that loving my inner child would help me focus on changing myself rather than trying to change others. I met my inner child in an unprogrammed meditation. I got into a comfortable position and closed my eyes. Then I let my mind wander until my little girl appeared to me. In my meditation we were in a park together. She had an angry expression on her face, but I could sense the pain and sadness that lay beneath her anger. I called to her, but at first she refused to come near me. Eventually, however, she slowly walked toward me. When she was finally close to me, I reached out and stroked her hair. She immediately broke down and cried. I took her in my arms and began rocking her back and forth. I reassured her. I told her I was here to be her mother. I promised to give her everything that she needed to feel loved and safe. Since then, I’ve continued to develop a relationship with my inner child as a way of learning to love myself. Today, this relationship is threefold: I love and comfort my little girl (Susie); I set limits with her; and we play together. As a result, she has, for the most part, stopped acting out, and her pain no longer permeates my life. She is content and no longer needs mood-altering experiences to anesthetize her pain. Most of all, my self-parenting has helped me grow up, and this maturation has paved the way for other changes. "But I have stilled and quieted myself, just as a small child is quiet with its mother. Yes, like a small child is my soul within me." Psalms
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Post by candee on Jun 30, 2008 0:12:36 GMT -8
This is a great text and Im having so much trouble,dealing with my inner child issues.when i think o f what this part of mehas been through,i want to just cry.no one should feel this way.is it normal to act out in a situation and feel torn apart as you know that,that reaction was totally childish?
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Post by fairymoria on Mar 16, 2009 4:53:35 GMT -8
this is a beautiful story it made me cry. i know i have to embrace my inner child who always scream and cry. funny thing now i think about that i was aware of her calling me and i could never go to her. i think i was afraid very afraid of her. yes i believe this led me so many immature behaviors and not able to accept adult life responsibilities. this is a new journey for me now i will GO TALK PLAY and LOVE to that cute beautiful little girl who i call sheri. thank you susan/susie
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Post by primrose on Jan 19, 2010 12:08:29 GMT -8
My little girl has fun in my studio (I'm an artist) she loves colour and all my paints and reminds me to play because it's easy for me to get stressed about work. She doesn't like that. She loves playing with other kids, just loves being around children, but she also likes quiet time. She's happy a lot. When I first met her she screamed at me, she was feral and refused to trust me. I wrote to her and she told me to get lost. Sometimes she gets sad and needs comfort and I wrap her up in a big comfy blanket, but that doesn't happen much now, it used to happen a lot and we'd watch really nice films, but she isn't so interested in that now, although she LOVED Avatar.
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Post by jivamukti on Jan 19, 2010 12:29:39 GMT -8
Primrose,
How lovely that you have taken the time to get to know and reparent your inner child. She sounds lovely, and well integrated.
My inner child has been enjoying playing with my dogs, gardening, playing music, singing, and making very bright colorful paintings.
It took awhile, but she has finally decided to trust me, and HP that there is someone she can TRUST that will take care of her, protect her, play with her, and love her. The feeling of anx that comes in the pit of my stomach sometimes, reminds me that she needs attention, and that is mostly everyday.
Yesturday, I went into a tobacco store to buy some cigarettes with my partner. There were some x rated mags there, and I found that they frightened my inner child. Before starting this work, I could have walked by that stuff without a second thought, but today, 3 months along the path of recovery, I felt that fear and panic begin to rise in my heart. It took me awhile to remember that I was abused at age 3, and buried most of the memories. They are coming up now to be healed, so calming and holding her, telling her she was safe and sound and loved took most of the evening and this morning.
This is hard work, but so rewarding. Today I bought her a new canvas, so we are going to have a painting afternoon. She is very excited, and has forgotten the scarey pictures.
Thanks for listening!
blessings,
Jivamukti
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Post by primrose on Jan 20, 2010 4:12:10 GMT -8
Ohhh sounds like fun :-) I hope you have a lovely time doing that. Amazing that you listened to her and understood why she was getting anxious. Sounds like you are really connected and in touch with that part of you. Wow, it's happened so quickly for you. This work takes me such a long time. I have a lot of scary drawings from my little girl because she was angry for about 5 years. I get stuck in things though... thankfully that doesn't happen so much now as I've got more support. Tell me what you paint today! Primrose.
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Post by moonlight on Feb 27, 2010 4:06:48 GMT -8
I love to read about your interactions with your inner child. I also love to share about mine. Our contact has grown so much lately. Yesterday I did the inner child writing technique. I asked her how she was. And she told me she was sad because she wanted to go back to T. (my ex). Because he was angry. And she wanted to play with him. And asked: why can't I go there? So I answered I understood how hard it was for her, because she liked it there and wanted to go back. "Yes!" she answered. And I explained I felt bad for her that she felt sad. But that we cannot go back to T. because he hasn't been nice to us. And we have to stay away from people that aren't nice to us, until they can be nice again. Because we are worth that.
She understood. And than we took a warm bath and completely relaxed into the night. And this morning, it was alright. I dreamed about an ex who behaved very badly and both in and out the dream all of me understood completely I/we had to stay away from that!
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Post by 8888airplane on Mar 10, 2010 6:22:45 GMT -8
I've always felt that Inner Child work gets you in touch with who you really are. Emotions are from our Inner Child, whether it's from Abandonment or Shame which everyone learned from their Mother/Father. Children are not born with Abandonment or Shame, it's taught to them. Until the little boy or girl in each of us learns that we deserve to be happy and loved; the adult will struggle in life.
Being an adult means finding that wounded child within you and letting them know it was not their fault. Is it easy to do this, no, but it does get eaiser over time. This is a lifetime project which everyone needs to follow until their last second of life.
When you feel anger, try to look deeper inside yourself and ask, what am I really feeling, is it Shame from when I was 2 or 3 years old. All emotion's are your inner child crying out for help, learn to take your inner child out for walks and let them know that it's OK. Sometimes you need to let that person cry but most important is to let them know that God created speical and that they are OK and if they take the time to visit God everyday; they can learn to be happy in life. And one day, your inner child will get to go outside to play, laugh and have play with the other children again. When that happens, the adult in you will see the world a differently than perhaps how you see it now.
Tom
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Post by moonlight on Mar 15, 2010 9:57:06 GMT -8
I'm confused. I have felt angry and ashamed a lot this last week. So an old part of me took over. The tantrum toddler. Only, I never had tantrums, I used other ways to express my anger. Superiority, making people feel guilty, acting perfect.
I want to grow up. Because this hurts too much. But part of me is really struggling. Part of me really really doesn't want to change because it feels unsafe and it takes effort. And this part is very strong-willed. It wasn't corrected back than. I'm a dictator in my mind. I find this part very hard to deal with. Especially when I reveal it to other people by accidence. This last week on my work, I critizised a co-worker in front of other people. I should have asked him to talk about it in private, because this was hurtful to him and unnecessary. And also because it greatly endangers my position there. And this last thing is where the shame comes from: my great fear is not to be accepted in the group, and this kind of angry, uncontrolled behavior increases the chance that I won't be.
I don't want to admit I have this part in me. I want to be all nice and perfect. Most of the time, I believe it myself. But the last week I've felt like I'm all narcissistic and arrogant. I have to admit this character flaw or it will make itself seen on times I don't want it to. Also, especially, in intimate relationships. And of course people see through the mask. And of course that's why they're not attracted to me, unless they have their own unsolved issues.
I feel empty. Meditating feels very hard, because it hurts. To be honest: I haven't done it since 4 days. No praying either, nor gratitude journal. I don't feel worthy. I feel like a fraud. Like a loser. And also I'm afraid of being told off by god. I feel like I can't handle even more negative feedback.
How do I want to be?
-Deal with anger by finding out what it is exactly that is bugging me; talking about it with this person on an appropriate time and place.
-Being open to feedback.
-Stop bragging about myself so much.
-Feel equal to my fellow humans, not superior or inferior.
Aargh.. anyway, still alive. And thanks for reading. Love, Moonlight
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Post by moonlight on Mar 15, 2010 13:59:54 GMT -8
Called my old therapist. Hadn't talked to her for over a year. I can always call her when I need to, so sweet. She was so nice about it all and helped remind me that my behavior didn't come out of the blue sky either (that the guy has his share too in the incident) and that it was possibly even good that someone said it; others are afraid to and I blurt it out.. I don't know, just the sound of her voice alone might have been enough, through all these years of conditioning, connecting her voice to consolation and peace. I told her she might have read the weather forecast and it might have helped me equally :-)
God, I'm so grateful for her and for her benificial influence over the years. I hope to incorporate her voice a bit more. She's so sweet and I feel so much lighter after this conversation. And now I don't feel so scared and bad anymore, it's also so much easier to see my character defects and forgive myself and my colleague.
She'll have to be inplemented in my image of a higher power! Although it feels like we're equals rather, not like she's above me.
Have to think/feel about that some more. For now: I'm relieved. Thank god.
Love, Moonlight
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Post by greeneyes on Mar 22, 2010 20:19:11 GMT -8
I've been searching for a therapist to help me grieve the pain of losing my Mom at age 7...I remember being at my neighbor's house and their 9 year old daughter said "I know something about your Mom you don't know" I wasn't sure what she was trying to say but I got a feeling because I knew she was sick...my Sister, who was a Sister of Mercy at the time, asked me if I know where my mom was and I said "no." She told me "God took her to heaven because she'd be happier there"...I just remember being speechless and numb...I can't remember the feelings I was feeling..what I do know is everytime I've dated or had sex with a partner I was overcome with the fear of abandonment that I might lose them...I remember my dad coming in and throwing dishes off the wall if me or my brother accidently broke one...I remember hiding in my room fantasizing about a Mythical Girlfriend while my Dad yelled at and hit my brother and doors slammed and there was crying
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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 23, 2010 15:27:53 GMT -8
Good insights Greeneyes. Now connect the dots to your love addiction.
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Post by primrose on Mar 27, 2010 8:05:04 GMT -8
My friend who has terminal cancer looks like my mother. I took some pictures of her recently and I saw it for the first time. Although I've known her for many years, I never saw the similarity before.
My mother believed that I might die when I was born. It was a projection of her own fears from her childhood. Her mother did die of TB when my mother was a baby. And because my mother had been born to a mother with TB everyone thought she would die too.
When my husband began to recover from cancer he and I were given the all clear to try for a child. One day he went for a scan and we were scared that his cancer was back, that day I got in touch with my POA and started an affair. The idea of trying for a child with a man I loved who might die, I couldnt cope with it, I couldnt cope with any of it. I acted out rather than feel any of that.
I am having IVF treatment now and my friend is dying of cancer. My friend worked for me until she got ill last year. She collapsed in my studio. It was very dramatic and frightening. Her last chemotherapy was due on the same day my treatment for IVF starts. She's not going to have chemo now, there's no point, she's going to go into a hospice very soon.
Last night I was so upset about her dying. I was crying about it because now she is so ill she can't even answer my texts. I keep my messages from her and I don't think there will be any more now. And the feeling of pain that I have about that is the real pain I masked by my "pretend" abandonment that I felt with my POA.
My mother couldn't love me because she was so scared I'd die. Birth for my mother meant a death. Somebody DID die when she was a baby, and when she had her own daughter I nearly died. I can see that I have been carrying my mother's fears. First when my husband nearly died I RAN from those feelings. I just couldn't put the idea of having a child anywhere near him having cancer, it was terrifying. And now it is happening again, somehow my friend dying and me having treatment is opening up that old wound again.
Last night I was crying and the thought came to me "someone is going to die here" and I realised it was not about my friend, but from the past. It is very present for me at the moment. And also another friend of mine had to have a termination recently because her baby had Edward's syndrome.
I know that the grief I'm feeling will halt the projections I have and I'm grateful for that. I have had this unconsciously working on my behaviour for a long time. Birth is NOT about death most of the time, and it doesn't NEED to be connected to death for me. P.
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Post by lotus on Mar 27, 2010 8:14:06 GMT -8
Interesting story, primrose. Thanks for sharing.
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Post by inthemoment on Mar 27, 2010 8:36:32 GMT -8
That is a very impactful entry, primrose. I sense you have made some very significant connections and you are on the right path - and though you may not know where it is going, you are going to come out the other side stronger, wiser and more enlightened.
Best, ITM.
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Post by primrose on Mar 27, 2010 10:59:17 GMT -8
Thanks ITM, I hope so. My mother was a lost world to me emotionally, it's only recently that I've begun to connect everything up. Previously everything was about my father. I hope re-connecting to the past will help free me from the unconscious hold it's had over me. That has always been true for me before. Best. P.
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Post by nolove4me on Mar 28, 2010 7:47:16 GMT -8
Prim,
Sorry to hear about your friend. (((HUGS))). I cannot imagine you having to deal with all this but it sounds like you are identifying where some of these feelings are coming from. As you know I am still working on finding my inner child. No connection yet. Hope your new found revelations bring you peace and enlightenment.
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Post by primrose on Mar 28, 2010 8:38:20 GMT -8
Nolove, thanks for the hug! Lovely of you. Oh it's just naive how many big things have happened in my life in the last few years. I know I'm not alone in that, it happens to lots of other people, but I have so had enough of the major stresses. Am looking forward to having a thoroughly dull time if it very soon. No drama. No crisis. Just ordinary regular life. Can't wait. P.
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ali
New Member
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Post by ali on Dec 6, 2010 13:35:35 GMT -8
Hi All,
What an amazing post and memories here.
I am also a 'victim' of my inner parents who didn't value my inner child.However,for me issue was a bit different. from first grade, i was always the great perfect child,best student in the class,then in the town.Always in competitions and winning them. I was always set an example to children of friends of my parents.So i wouldn't say that i was abused in family,my parents loved me.
But the thing is,as i see know,my perception was; my value was dependent on what i accomplished.I was valuable as long as i accomplish.I am sure my parents didn't want to make me feel like that,but all the 'environment' around me was.I was a well-behaved,quiet(which is something promoted big-time in my culture) and successfull child that everybody should mimic.I was an introvert child,which is also kind of favorable for parents because of not causing troubles.
So for many years being a sucessfull student and and then an engineer, i always felt a big shame in case of a small failure(of course it was not a failure,a mistake may be)or trying something new and always feared from failing.Thus i become perfectionistic man in all areas of my life.
Now,to overcome this,i am meeting with my innerchild every morning for 30 minutes,asking him questions and trying to hear him,listen him.I am asking him what he likes,hates,what he feels and recording these to a journal.
It's been 2 months now.Although i see some improvements,i still kinda feel the same shame in case of failure(even thinking about a failure) and i still feel in every part of my soul my obsessions to be perfect. I can not remember any hitting memory of a big failure,but i remember very well that i always was expected to be perfect.
Thanks for listening
Cheers
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Post by soulseeker on Dec 6, 2010 16:25:51 GMT -8
Love, love love this. I am going to visit with her in a visualization tonight!!!!
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Post by sospiri on Apr 28, 2011 20:07:47 GMT -8
A lot of this resonates for me – thinking about me as a little boy makes me feel so sad – but at least it’s better than my usual feeling of anxiety. My Mum was a nice lady, but was very highly strung, and would melt down – sometimes to hysterical sobbing – a couple of times a week. My Dad is a lovely man, but frankly, weak. I so often felt like an orphan, unnoticed, unprotected and unloved. Such a shame.
I can tell – from my unusually emotional reaction to reading these posts, that there is something here – in re-parenting myself - for me.
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Post by looking4direction on Jan 22, 2012 14:50:47 GMT -8
Wonderful thread, esp. the original story.
last summer for the first time got to know my inner child.
Hit a bottom.
My mentor said, "As long as you reject her (inner child) you will not recover and you will continue to act out."
I was finally ready.
It is so painful and at the same time LIBERATING to do this!
Carol
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Post by aeonmagus on Sept 5, 2012 15:46:51 GMT -8
I have begun work on my inner child and did the meditation outlined in "Addiction to Love" to great success.
I have also become aware of an inner adolescent and an inner "engineer" who micro-manages my chaos.
This work with my child specifically has proven to be so QUIETING to my addiction. My withdrawal has been easier to manage since I began talking to my little one. When I am obsessing or fantasizing (without actually even meaning to sometimes) I say, "(My name), I know you miss your special friend that you used to play with a lot, but we can't play with her anymore. She's not bad and YOU are not bad, but we are going to find some new friends to play with. Friendship is when two people listen to each other and support each other. Friendship does not have to hurt or feel like you've lost something."
Whenever I take her hand and explain what love really is, she gets very calm and quiet.
I imagine us rocking in a chair on a porch overlooking a sherbet sky as I sing to her. It is beautiful.
Thanks to our administrator for the exquisite meditation and all the creativity that surrounds it.
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Post by aeonmagus on Sept 5, 2012 15:46:51 GMT -8
I have begun work on my inner child and did the meditation outlined in "Addiction to Love" to great success.
I have also become aware of an inner adolescent and an inner "engineer" who micro-manages my chaos.
This work with my child specifically has proven to be so QUIETING to my addiction. My withdrawal has been easier to manage since I began talking to my little one. When I am obsessing or fantasizing (without actually even meaning to sometimes) I say, "(My name), I know you miss your special friend that you used to play with a lot, but we can't play with her anymore. She's not bad and YOU are not bad, but we are going to find some new friends to play with. Friendship is when two people listen to each other and support each other. Friendship does not have to hurt or feel like you've lost something."
Whenever I take her hand and explain what love really is, she gets very calm and quiet.
I imagine us rocking in a chair on a porch overlooking a sherbet sky as I sing to her. It is beautiful.
Thanks to our administrator for the exquisite meditation and all the creativity that surrounds it.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 5, 2012 16:07:18 GMT -8
This is wonderful. What does she look like?
love
nurture
comfort
set limits
play
stroke
Imagine a child approaching you with her hands held out to you. What is the look on your face? On her face? What do you say? What do you do with your hands?
Take your imagination and heal.
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intothelight
New Member
Behind every image I have made, the truth remains unchanged. --A Course in Miracles
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Post by intothelight on Jul 20, 2013 7:25:12 GMT -8
This topic is so wonderful and healing. I have been reading the devotional book "Until Today." This month's topic is about Understanding. July 17th's introduction states, "I will gain more understanding when I realize... until I handle my unfinished childhood business, I will behave like a child."
Thanks everyone for sharing how you "handle your unfinished childhood business" and reparent your inner child. I have followed many of your suggestions, which have helped me through some difficult times.
Best wishes to all the children and adults on this board.
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Post by lovehappyseeker on Oct 26, 2013 19:41:31 GMT -8
I have never thought of reaching out to my inner child and somehow, I am afraid that if I do meet her, I will unravel so much pain, so much insecurity. I had loving parents and nothing out of the ordinary, but like Susan, I was very headstrong growing up. The rules usually never applied to me. I am always the one who is strong, the leader, the talented one, but honestly, I just want to be with someone who will love me and be devoted to me and that I can be devoted to him. Perhaps, it is the inner child in me that I should be meeting but that just seems like a foreign concept to me....I have a long way to go...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2014 16:00:43 GMT -8
This is an old thread, not sure anyone reads it anymore but it seems like the right place for this entry.
After I ended the relationship with my POA I was very aware of my inner child; he is a sensitive and often frightened little boy, and the attention from the POA reassured him and made him feel better. When she was neglectful and selfish though (which was more and more often) he would get very distressed. I have developed a relationship with this sweet little fellow over the years and I was for the most part aware of how he felt during the breakup: lots of fear, a feeling that now no one would love him and take care him, deep distress that the POA would turn to other men and he would be lost and abandoned.
What is new is that I was also aware of a stronger, guiding presence inside me -- another aspect or "person" of my psyche. This is a strong, in fact very tough, grownup who has incredible survival skills. With my therapist's help I was able to focus on this part of myself and enter into dialogue with him -- to let him speak.
This was really incredible. He was able to speak clearly about how he planned to cut things off with the POA, how his job is to take care of that sensitive little guy, how much love he has for the little child part of me.
The dialogue between these two parts of myself has been really amazing. This strong part of me has always been present but only in the extreme pain of breaking it off with the POA did I come to see him and know him in any deep way.
My HP works in mysterious ways. It took a spirit-crushing experience to come face to face with part of myself that has been working inside me m entire life.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2014 4:36:38 GMT -8
That is a great recovery story Irntovalume. It gives me hope that I too can make as much progress as you have. The fact that your chose warrior self instinct says you have everything you need to make this journey of consciousness a great one. I am inspired.
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fufill123
New Member
enrage and depressed
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Post by fufill123 on Apr 7, 2015 19:00:03 GMT -8
I dont know how to reparent my inner child. She is out of control must of time.
she is so hungry for love that it is never enough when it is giving to her. She has this deep sadness within her it is an unending sadness. It seems though that is all she knows sadness, pain, tears.
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