neo
Junior Member
Posts: 57
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Post by neo on Jul 8, 2011 5:58:14 GMT -8
We go through the Denial and Anger stages and end up getting stuck in the Bargaining phase of loss. This is the only stage where you can get hung up for decades and I think I know why. As Long as there is the slightest chance of a reunion with your POA, your subconscious mind will not let the obsession go. This means if there is a .001% chance, you will not get past this and will stay in the bargaining phase until your subconscious mind is finally convinced that no return is possible. My POA is happily married, so now I'm pretty sure it is over and out. My mind still generates crazy unrealistic fantasies of me and her to relieve my anxiety. I just erase the thought and say ITS OVER and snap a rubber band on my wrist. I'm hoping that after a few weeks, my subconscious will get the hint and let it go. The object is to get over the bargaining phase and into Depression and acceptance. If you engage in any activity that reminds you of your POA, try to not think of them. I used to visit the restaurant we worked at for a long time hoping to see her. This is the kind of thing you want to limit.
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Post by lacypooh on Jul 8, 2011 17:50:31 GMT -8
Nice Neo, thanks for sharing.
I remember how crushed I felt when my POA got married, for awhile I thought it was because he lied to me about having a gf and then that gf turned into his wife, but it was actually as you explained here that I actually was crushed because my hopes of a "do over" were crushed. I am going to try the rubber band popping idea, that sounds promising.
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neo
Junior Member
Posts: 57
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Post by neo on Jul 9, 2011 6:25:51 GMT -8
I am hoping that I can associate PAIN (from rubber band snap on wrist) with the recurrent thoughts of my POA. I do not even wait for a random thought of my POA to pop up,,, I just think of her now and then and SNAP my wrist for pain. This I think is good old operant conditioning at work. I wonder what a very mild electric shock would do  ?? Like the dog training collars that are sold. I think we have to associate mild physical pain with our recurrent fantasies. |
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Post by LovelyJune on Jul 9, 2011 11:49:50 GMT -8
Very pavlovian. I guess we do what we need to do. Remember too, that you need a replacement thought. That hugely helps. Find a neutral idea--something that brings no pain to you but only good, clear, calming thoughts (God, an old stuffed animal, a friend from your youth, pretending you're at a spa getting a massage) and re-focus on that. Try to let this new thought be your "safe" thought. This trick is used in meditation all the time.
One more trick I learned a long the way: because I had spent (wasted) so much time, all my life, thinking of PoAs, my brain growth was stunted. When I broke up with PoA and headed into recovery, I still obsessed. Then I took the 1-3-5-10 test. For one minute, try to think of something other than your PoA. Could you do it? Now try 3 minutes, 5 minutes, 10...Go all the way up to an hour, to a day if you can.
WHat I found when I did this test (3 years ago) was a very sad realization: I could do it, but I really had NOTHING ELSE TO THINK ABOUT. No news, no art, no current events, no books I was reading...etc. My brain was mush. If I talked to family and friends it was never about anything social. Just about "him." That's how vested I was in my PoA. He was the ONLY thing on my mind. When I did this test I was horrified and disappointed in myself, and it was then that I started to PUT new things into my brain. Art, exercise, music, politics, books and so on.
The truth is, we all have a lot of catching up to do based on the degree of our addiction.
Hope this helps!
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Post by overcomer on Jul 9, 2011 14:17:26 GMT -8
LJ, thank you for such a wonderful, honest share! :-)
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neo
Junior Member
Posts: 57
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Post by neo on Jul 10, 2011 4:36:29 GMT -8
Thanks for the Replacement thought idea,, I never considered that.
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?? Like the dog training collars that are sold. I think we have to associate mild physical pain with our recurrent fantasies. 
