Toxic Shame

i wrote an article about shame for my church magazine.

www.helium.com/items/627071-shame-from-the-christian-viewpoint

I told my inner child, the rejection he felt as a child was not his fault. He didn't do anything wrong when he was a child to deserve that. I know where all the hurt came from. When I was five or six. A little girl from across the street told me I was adopted. I ran home crying to my family, screaming to the top of my lungs what she had just told me. I was screaming for daddy to go beat her up. And then my mama said, yes you are adopted. Then daddy yelled at her for telling me, said he wanted me to think I was his. What a screwed up way to handle this major crisis. I don't remember anything else after that. I don't know if I went to my room or what. Maybe mama told me I was special, I was chosen, but i can't remember. All I know we never talked about it again. At least I can't remember. So it was like a hush hush thing. That is part of my past that i shamed me with. But it wasn't my fault. I am a good person. That was their stuff. Oh mom spoiled me, but I never felt right as a kid. Started getting fat and started acting out for attention. The vicious cycle had begun.
A couple of months ago, after the breakup, i was writing in my journal and i wrote, "she took my shame, but now she is gone." That was an amazing discovery, I didn't realize what it meant until after today. I've been reading up on toxic shame. I think that is why I've been so obsessed over her. Maybe I put her in the place where my parents were. I let her deep inside me, like no one I've ever dated before.
Glad i can start loving me today. I don't need her love to justify me. It would have been nice, but oh well. Life goes on.
Glad I can change today and love me.

freetolive, you bright up a really good topic and some really deep insight. Thank you.

I know I definitely felt shame growing up. I was ashamed of how messed up my family was. This shame grew the older I got. I started seeing how everyone else's families were and I swear mine just took the cake. I didn't want anyone to know how messed up we were. Unfortunately I carried that shame into adulthood. I still carry quite a bit of it to this day, even though I am learning how to let it go. You are right in that the shame is not our fault. We couldn't control the family we were brought up in. We are not defective or unlovable because of our background. We can heal from it and be at peace with the wonderful people we are.

It's interesting that you say the authors mentioned how people use being "nice" to cover up shame. My goodness, this was so true for me! Just like the author said, I figured if I was really really nice to people they would like me despite how messed up I felt I was. Sometimes the niceness worked, sometimes it didn't. Thank HP for recovery. Recovery has given me the gift of knowing I am not "messed up" and that I can be who I am and feel confident in that. I don't need approval, love or validation from anyone else because I've learned how to give all of that to myself.

Great post, freetolive,. Thanks!

"How long does it take to stop feeling broken inside?"

I have no idea. i'm new to all of this. All I know is I can't keep trying to mask my feelings, while selling myself short. I have to love me and validate me. I deserve it and I want it.
I went to clinicals today. It was a new site. There is a lady there that is head technician. Something about her triggers feelings of insecurity. She never said anything wrong to me, but my fear of not doing an xray correct and the fact that she didn't act a certain way to me as i expected had me slowly sliding into the "I'm no good" feeling. The other tech was sweet to me, so I tell myself she likes me. See, I'm still looking for someone to make me feel accepted because I'm still struggling with some low self esteem about my performance. So I am going to study tonight and try to do better tomorrow.

Not once did I try to stop the thoughts while I was there today. Not once did I pray and ask God for help. I kept struggling. I kept feeling stuck. I kept telling myself that i messed up taking this xray. That I don't like it. Over and over.

Finally when I left, I got to myself and started talking to myself in a healthy manner. I started to feel ok with myself.

It's sick how badly i worry about people rejecting me. I was even worried about them seeing me in my old car. That's sad. No wonder I've isolated so much in my life. Where I wouldn't have to deal with these feelings. But I wasn't getting any better, just staying stuck.

I almost forgot, before the day was over, my pain triggered me to start fantasizing about different women there. I'm glad I'm aware of the fantasy, I was able to pull myself back in. I learned that here. Thanks guys.

Today I want to change. I want to live.

Thats right , Foolme. I told my PoA, when I dropped him, that I deserve to be with someone that will adore me and will put the same kind of devotion into the relationship that I put into it. I am going to hold out for that from now on. No more trying to get blood from a stone.

John Bradshaw has a book titled, "Healing the Shame that binds you."

Here is something he wrote in the section titled....PART II The Solution.

Introduction — The Externalization Process

To heal our toxic shame we must "come out of hiding. As long as our shame is hidden, there is nothing we can do about it. In order to change our toxic shame we must embrace it. There is an old therapeutic adage which states, "The only way out is through."
Embracing our shame involves pain. Pain is what we try to avoid. In fact, most of our neurotic behavior is due to the avoidance of legitimate pain. We try to find an easier way. This is perfectly reasonable. However, as Scott Peck has said, "The tendency to avoid emotional suffering ... is the primary basis for all human mental illness."
In the case of shame, the more we avoid it, the worse it gets. We cannot change our "internalized" shame until we "externalize" it. Doing the shame-reduction work is simple but difficult. It mainly involves what I call methods of externalization. Externalization methods include the following:
1. Coming out of hiding by social contact, which means honestly sharing our feelings with significant others.
2. Seeing ourselves minored and echoed in the eyes of at least one non-shaming person who is pan of our new family of affiliation. Reestablishing
an "interpersonal bridge".
3. Working a 12-Step program.
4. Doing shame-reduction work by "legitimizing" our abandonment trauma. We do this by writing and talking about it. (Debriefing). Writing especially helps to externalize the past shaming experiences.
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JOHN BRADSHAW
We can then externalize our feelings about the abandonment. We can express them, clarify them and connect with them.
5. Externalizing our lost inner child. We do this by making conscious contact with the vulnerable child part of ourselves.
6. Learning to recognize various split-off parts of ourselves. As we make these parts conscious (externalize them), we can embrace and integrate them.
7. Making new decisions to accept all parts of ourselves with unconditional positive regard. Learning to say, "I love myself for . . ." Learning to externalize our needs and wants by becoming more self-assertive.
8. Externalizing old unconscious memories from the past, which form collages of shame scenes, and learning how to heal them.
9. Doing exercises to externalize our self-image and change it.
10. Externalizing the voices in our heads. These voices keep our shame spirals in operation. Doing exercises to stop our shaming voices and learning to replace them with new nurturing and positive voices.
11. Learning to be aware of certain interpersonal situations most likely to trigger shame spirals.
12. Learning how to deal with critical and shaming people by practicing assertive techniques and by creating an externalization shame anchor.
13- Learning how to handle our mistakes, and having the courage to be imperfect.
14. Finally, learning through prayer and meditation to create an inner place of silence wherein we are centered and grounded in a personally valued Higher Power.

All of these externalization methods have been adapted from the major schools of therapy. Most all therapies attempt to make that which is covert and unconscious, overt and conscious.
These techniques can only be mastered by practice. You must do them, and reinforce them by doing them again. They will work if you will work.

Here is a speaking engagement with John Bradshaw.
www.johnbradshaw.com/aud/Bradshaw_082005.mp3

His closing statement adheres to what we want.

I just had an eye opening experience. A lot of stuff I've done over my lifetime and in past relationship has done nothing more than created more shame. It's like I've done behaviors that I know where wrong, but I was to blind to see i was furthering the shame in me. Living a life of continued shame. Well it's time to stop the unhealthy BS.

Sun, that makes me sad to read that you dont believe your positive affirmations about yourself, we all have good assets in us. so keep reading books, and keep saying your affirmations about yourself, and do aleast one good thing for yourself a day. you will at some point start believing in yourself. do you have any local al-anon or co-dependent mtgs that you can attend a few times a week? also do gratitude list...i believe you you are a good person. keep coming back, you are worth it.

Sun, if we have been treated badly for so long and allowed people to treat us like a doormat also, it does take time for the changes to happen in our life. But we do have to keep moving in the right direction for our recovery. And maybe it is not time for the promotion yet, dont automatically think something is wrong with you, maybe your HP has something in store for you down the road. Keep going to your meetings and sharing your progress here. dont give up before the miracle happens. it has only been a little while, so keep coming back, you are worth it. have a great day. ;-)

We are all sharing this wonderful journey of healing and transformation, glad you are all here, great topic.

John Bradshaw is a SAINT! His work has helped me so much.

blondeweaver, welcome to LAA, you have taken a good 1st step in your recovery from love addiction, you can go to the Newcomers Thread and tell us your story, how you got here, and also list your short term goals. Remember you are not alone, we have all been where you are. Please keep posting and sharing, there is alot of support on this forum. Glad you are here, Keep it simple, One day @ a time. Welcome ;-)

I can relate to Wingz comment about "nice guys" who later show themselves to be very different. I dated a guy who was so nice and wonderful I thought that God had sent him to me. Later I found out how very damaged he really is. He verbally abused me, was unavailable, unreliable, and even hacked into my email TWICE. My question is this: Do these men who act so nice to counteract the belief that they are bad KNOW what they're doing? Do they consciously think they're bad? If they knew they had this shame one would think they'd find ways to get better. Do they think that being nice, helping others will "fix" themselves?