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Post by caroclean on Jul 13, 2011 5:19:59 GMT -8
I have noticed that even I have all the types of LA on myself, now I see that I am more a torchbearer, I have been in loved always. I have been reading about it, and I see that the only way I can move on is transferring the torch to something else, and I was thinking that it could be a good idea to a phantom lover. When I was little I think I had one. So, I do not know if you have tried this. Have you tried to do this? How did you do?  Thank You  |
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Post by nvr2late on Jul 13, 2011 7:02:05 GMT -8
Well, I can only share my history.
I practiced fantasy as a child because it was the only way I could get my needs for connection, love, and romance met. For me, fantasy was perfected into an art form. I wrote my own romance comics complete with illustrations, for heaven's sake! And made up stories with my best friend about "What if so and so (boys) did this-or that?" and we'd make up entire stories about boys we were crushing on.
And therein lies the foundation for my adult life being unable to deal with the realities of my relationships.
There may indeed be some therapeutic value to creating a Phantom Lover that I'm not aware of, but for me, learning to feel my actual feelings and face reality as it is, rather than as I wish it was, is a VITAL part of my recovery.
I want to watch this thread to see what more learned posters have to share. I read a lot of your posts, Caroclean, and I do care. I see you working hard on your issues!
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Post by caroclean on Jul 14, 2011 8:42:56 GMT -8
Thank you nvr2late, yes it has been difficult for me but it is not going to be impossible (that is what I repeat to myself everyday). Well right now I am creating a phantom lover to get out of the limerence, I would see how it works on me.
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Post by mistergizzard on Jul 14, 2011 18:19:55 GMT -8
nvr2late is exactly right. As a lifelong fantasy-addicted torchbearer, I can vouch that creating a "phantom-lover" is just feeding the problem. Ultimately, it will never fulfill that emptiness within.
Really, if you're a torch bearing love addict, then most, if not ALL of your romances ARE "phantom lovers," because most of the relationships you're in take place in your mind and fantasies more than in real life. As it did for me.
When I was a teenager, I made an attempt to bring myself out of my loneliness and depression that by praying hard for God to send me "The One," and then I envisioned in my head a girl that would be "perfect" for me. I created her in my mind...her hair color, her appearance, her voice, the types of outfits she would wear, EVERYthing. I convinced myself that God had given me a vision of "The One," and I spent years looking for "her." I played out our meeting in my mind. I drew pictures of her. I rehearsed what I would say when I met her. Everywhere I went in public, I desperately looked around through crowds of people, looking for "her" face, wanting to meet her so badly...
Little did I know I was falling in love with a fantasy, and not a real person. "She" never existed. I never met anyone who looked like her. Realizing that I was in love with a woman who did not exist was extraordinarily painful, because...like I said. It will never satisfy that emptiness within.
Therapy, recovery, learning how to be in real relationships with actual people, and a closer relationship with God was what did. And today I'm married to a wonderful woman, who is nothing like that "phantom girl" I made up in my mind. And my relationship with her is so much more fulfilling than any obsessive fantasies I ever lived in.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 15, 2011 14:05:38 GMT -8
If your phantom lover is some manifestation of a Higher Power it will heal the emptiness. When I looked to God to love me I was filled with joy and was happy for 16 years until I met someone.
I agree that a crush on a movie star will not do the trick.
I should have made this clear before. The Phantom Lover is a stand-in for God. God is spirit. Breathe him in.For the people who like to personify their Higher Power as Christ.
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Post by aabha on Jul 16, 2011 7:55:35 GMT -8
Hi,
i think if we are looking for unconditional, empowering, enduring love and commitment, first should we not give it to ourselves? and maybe thats harder to do, but instead of breathing life into a phantom lover, why cant we be our own love of our life?
and the HP is that love that we breathe into our selves? for me somehow, loving my own being and loving my HP are not two seperate things.
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Post by mistergizzard on Jul 16, 2011 9:17:36 GMT -8
If your phantom lover is some manifestation of a Higher Power it will heal the emptiness. When I looked to God to love me I was filled with joy and was happy for 16 years until I met someone.
I did not mean to knock any form of recovery or dis the notion of a closer relationship with our higher power. I didn't realize that a "phantom lover" could mean God. Just me speaking personally, I've always felt that God is more real than anyone else, so I don't view a relationship with Him as being fantasy. I just believe that creating a fantasy romance in one's mind is counterproductive. Really, truly, I never realized how destructive fantasies have been in my life until I entered this website's recovery program. I've turned to them for happiness and fulfillment, and never found it, but kept going back over and over and over again. Hence, an addiction. |
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Post by caroclean on Jul 16, 2011 11:51:33 GMT -8
Thank you, You are right, I think that transfer it to something is a phantom lover as I was thinking it was a really bad idea. I know I can get this with the help of my H.P. Thank You all of you |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 16, 2011 15:46:58 GMT -8
C hrist said that God is within, so I agree with you. Find the light within.
Love God, love yourself, love others in harmony. They all overlap and are reflections of each other.
The more you grow and change the brighter your light.
When your light is bright, light the way for others in a non-codependent way. |
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Post by caroclean on Jul 17, 2011 3:56:13 GMT -8
Christ said that God is within, so I agree with you. Find the light within.
Love God, love yourself, love others in harmony. They all overlap and are reflections of each other.
The more you grow and change the brighter your light.
When your light is bright, light the way for others in a non-codependent way.Just beautiful Thank You, and completely true.
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Post by lovely1 on Jul 28, 2011 15:38:58 GMT -8
I read alot of romantic fiction and love stories growing up starting at 10 however I didn't translate this to boys until I was like 14. Then I'd have fantasies, but they were strange. Not like my romance novels.
In my teenaged fantasies, I was a rock star on stage and my crush would be in the audience adoring me and thinking I was THE greatest. that was my pet fantasy. I didn't plot out whole romantic scenarios.
When I started to show serious signs of love addiction, as a 27 year old adult. It really wasn't romantic. I was more looking for some kind of best best best friend thing. I wanted my POA to be "committed" to me. No sex or anything like that, just friends for life. And when my POA would show signs of not being interested, I'd panick and try to hold on and it would be AWFUL.
Now I'm back to reading my romance novels and like when I was a kid I'm deeply into the fantasy as I am reading. I read the books to be the heroine for awhile and the hero is like my fantasy lover, but when I put the book down, my real life resumes.
I didn't have to replace the POA that I wanted to be my best friend, perse. My healing involved learning to let people go completely. I no longer thirst for that close almost marriage like commitment anymore.
I think it also helps that I've been working on a project that I'm VERY, VERY proud of for close to 6 years. I didn't have this accomplishment back when I was in say year 5 of my 13 year addiction. So perhaps you could say that I loooooonged for commitment because I had yet to commit to anything. I wasn't even really committed to my husband back then--thus the POA!!!
Before this project, the POA was like the project I was investing in and honing and when he didn't act right I'd let him have it. It's embarrasing now to think about how I acted.
So perhaps the fantasy lover could also be a project--art, music, a book, a business. Something you can pour your whole heart, soul and all of your time into.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 28, 2011 17:05:40 GMT -8
Absolutely right. Transfer your bliss from men to something positive. For me it was my Higher Power and my career as a writer.
This also helped me with my food addiction. I lost a 100 lbs because I spent hours in front of the computer developing the website for LAA and my own personal counseling business.
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