|
|
Post by runrunrun on Jul 16, 2011 3:28:00 GMT -8
I think I need to talk to my sponsor about this.
I took 4 days off work. Was originally going to take daughter to Montreal. But the need for a new roof prevailed and we decided just to do things nearby. Long story short, I spent all week doing things that everyone else wanted to do to keep them happy. I think I spent a whole hour and a half doing what I wanted to do. Even to the point of driving home last night cold because 16 year old daughter forgot her jacket. And putting up with 20 year old daughter calling me a hypocrite (words her dad told her). Made for a miserable week.
Love addiction recovery is going well. Codependence needs work. I can take unhealthy people out of my life and not get into relationships with them. But I am still very codependent with my kids and some friends. I see where I need work. It was not a miserable week but it was not fun and there was no balance of time for myself and time for my kids and friends.
I see where I have work to do.
RRR
|
|
|
|
Post by sunflwrs4evr on Jul 16, 2011 8:10:50 GMT -8
great awareness....I am always thankful for them....I went to a Coda meeting on monday...its my second one...and i really need to be there.....and learn and listen....I fine that i have to keep repeating until i learn differently...kids are good ...to get what they want....its good you see the good side of this time off....and now maybe u could take one day...and do exactly what u want to do...sometimes i just stay home in my pj's and watch tv...or a bubble bath....whatever brings me back to my balance...especially after a codependency slip....all is well....give yourself a hug...they say...that life is all about lessons....and until we learn the lesson...it keeps coming back at us....I have learned in Al anon...that NO is a complete sentence.....Sun  |
|
|
|
Post by runrunrun on Jul 17, 2011 3:03:02 GMT -8
I rarely use the word No. Thats how codependent I am. Its really sad. I have worked on love and sex addiction issues. But have let myself linger in codependency. It was a weeks worth of lessons that continued last night. Long story. But I turned off the radio on the way home and meditated on the events and asked God what they meant and what lesson they held for me. My answer was that I need to be less codependent. Spend more time with myself. Less time with my kayak club. And make sure i meet my own needs.
I have really done well spending time with the kids. But have to make time for myself too.
THanks for the words about how to take care of oneself. I will learn No and use it when needed. I even know when I should be saying No but still say Yes with this voice in the back of my mind scolding me. Sad.
I also think I need coda meetings. But the only one around here conflicts with my slaa meeting. hmmm. What to do?
RRR
|
|
|
|
Post by sunflwrs4evr on Jul 17, 2011 13:40:31 GMT -8
Switch it....somehow....I know for me i have to go to coda meetings....monday will be the 3 rd time i went....and boy did i need them....its amazing how many 12 step programs i need....i will go on monday and take care of myself...i just learned that all the other addictions stem from codependency....i didnt know that...so i have to go...no matter what....put it in your God box and see what comes up .....whatever is meant to be....will happen...Sun |
|
|
|
Post by runrunrun on Jul 18, 2011 3:33:07 GMT -8
I could alternate coda with SLAA meetings on mondays. I am secretary of slaa in my group so I have to be there on the last monday of the month.
I meditated on the issues yesterday. And my answers were to not do too much for my kayak club and to take more time for myself. Thats simple enough and I can do it.
Thanks sunflowrs for your help!
RRR
|
|
|
|
Post by sunflwrs4evr on Jul 18, 2011 7:50:20 GMT -8
your very welcome....great to hear you got your answers....I do understand about the group secretary.....just remember....that you dont have to be there....when it comes to taking care of yourself first ......i am sure it will not be a problem if you ask someone in the slaa group to cover for you this time or even next time....this is a we program...we are all here for each other....and we work together....I hope that helps too...Sun |
|
|
|
Post by leebriar on Jul 18, 2011 10:40:46 GMT -8
I rarely use the word No. Thats how codependent I am. Its really sad. I have worked on love and sex addiction issues. But have let myself linger in codependency. It was a weeks worth of lessons that continued last night. Long story. But I turned off the radio on the way home and meditated on the events and asked God what they meant and what lesson they held for me. My answer was that I need to be less codependent. Spend more time with myself. Less time with my kayak club. And make sure i meet my own needs. I have really done well spending time with the kids. But have to make time for myself too. THanks for the words about how to take care of oneself. I will learn No and use it when needed. I even know when I should be saying No but still say Yes with this voice in the back of my mind scolding me. Sad. I also think I need coda meetings. But the only one around here conflicts with my slaa meeting. hmmm. What to do? RRR Hi RRR: First of all thank you for the bicycle recommendation a few weeks back. I just picked one up off of craigslist for 50.00, it needed tires/tubes but otherwise a great bike at an excellent price!! Thanks again! Now, you mention that you have been doing good at spending time with the kids, but also need to make time for yourself. One thing I have picked up is that you feel really guilty about neglecting the children due to your LA issues. is this true? I probably pick that up because I also have felt that way as well. What I found myself doing alot of was overcompensating for the guilt with trips, gifts, inconsitent discipline ( or none at all), allowing them to take advantage of me or mistreat me. What I found myself doing RRR was again not parenting in appropriate ways, kinda going from one extreme to another. Part of what we know we need to do when we are co dependent is to have better boundaries with people ( including our children), learn to say no and stick to it, make desicions sometimes that are best for us ( or the common good) even if we know there may be conflict or resistance from the group, family or what have you. I would suggest practicing this...saying no, or expressing your feelings and check the outcome. My experience has shown me that although the children may intially resist this assertiveness, they will settle in and actually become much more respectful when they know that we are no longer going to be ruled by our guilt ( or manipulated either) and we are going to stand up for ourselves. Good luck to you! Your recovery is a beautiful thing to watch! Lee |
|
|
|
Post by runrunrun on Jul 20, 2011 2:08:02 GMT -8
lee, glad you found a good bike. What fun. What did you buy?
Thanks again for the encouraging words. Practical stuff like that really helps.
Yes I feel incredible guilt for not being there for them. Now my life revolves around them and its getting a little out of hand. They manipulate and get used to treating me poorly because I let them to keep the peace. Some of the stories of what they say to me are too sad to repeat here. But I confronted both of them with it and am working on getting that straightened out.
Its strange because neither of them want material things or want to go places. And they both have money that they use for the few things that come up that they want. But they manipulate me to get away with not doing their chores and to disrespect me. Lots of work needs to be done with them.
I meditated and prayed about the situation. God wants me to balance my time more so I can meet their needs and mine. And not let my needs go by the wayside. So my new thing is that I take one day of my 2 days off to do something I want to do. Or that I break my days off into doing what I want to do or what the kids want to do. God only wants me to do 4 events per month with the kayak club and no whole day events.
RRR
|
|
|
|
Post by Bo on Jul 20, 2011 2:43:28 GMT -8
Run, one thing that helped me alot when family members got the best of me emotionally, was to keep reading a small bookmarker I had from Alanon on "Detatchment". I rewrote the words below as it applies to our illness (but it's basicall the same as the original bookmark):
DETACHMENT
Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It
does not imply judgment or condemnation
of the person or situation from which we are
detaching. Separating ourselves from the
adverse effects of another person’s behavior
can be a means of detaching: this does
not necessarily require physical separation.
Detachment can help us look at our situations
realistically and objectively.
Living with the effects of our Love Addiction
is too devastating for most people to bear
without help.
In Recovery we learn nothing we say or do
can cause, cure or control someone else’s behavior.
We are not responsible for another person’s
behavioral dysfunction or recovery from it.
Detachment allows us to let go of our
obsession with another’s behavior and begin
to lead happier and more manageable lives,
lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by
a Power greater than ourselves. We can still
love the person without liking the behavior.
IN RECOVERY WE LEARN:
• Not to suffer because of the actions or
reactions of other people
• Not to allow ourselves to be used or
abused by others
• Not to do for others what they can do
for themselves
• Not to manipulate situations so others
will behave as we see fit
• Not to cover up for another’s mistakes
or misdeeds
• Not to create a crisis
• Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural
course of events
By learning to focus on ourselves, our
attitudes and well-being improve. We allow
the others in our lives to experience the
consequences of their own actions.
|
|
