I think am a torchbearer and love interest is also

Mistergizzard,

Thank you very much for your reply and your comment, and I hope someone else will chime in if they can.

I had the same thought as you (that subconsciously I am avoiding a real deep relationship), especially after reading some of the posts on this board.

However, on self-analysis (and I think I am pretty good at recognizing how I really feel/ what are the underlying causes), I don't think that is what it really is. Here is what I think it is:

The problem is a mental construction of what I called "the dream". "The dream" is kind of like a romantic ideal/ fantasy. Since my parents got divorced, I constructed this dream that I would be able to have a successful long term relationship where they failed. When I meet a woman that somehow matches my sense of what the perfect woman should be (which was especially the case in the 2007 incident), I project this dream onto her, and I start having all these romantic fantasies about future relationships. Once this projection starts, I have difficulty letting go of it, and accepting that it cannot be with that person. In that sense its kind of like an addiction to "the dream". Even when the woman has already rejected me and let me know how she feels, I remain in denial because I have so much trouble letting go of the dream.

Later, when I cannot be around that person, or something else interferes, the dream eventually stops, I stop projecting, and I move back into normalcy again, except that I still do not have the relationship that I am interested in.

There is one complicating factor that I did not mention: I live in a developing country, and as a result, many of the women that I meet actually are NOT very close to what I want. (I am a well educated person who puts a high standard on intelligence). In fact, I have lowered my standards quite a bit in order to be more realistic.

So actually, I think I'm not avoiding intimacy, but rather: 1) I don't meet enough women who I could potentially be interested in (which also may reflect a poor social strategy on my part), and 2) I sometimes (or in my youth, quite often), slip into this pattern of projecting "the dream" onto one woman, which is actually quite counterproductive, as it usually alienates the one I am interested in, and also is a huge waste of time and opportunity.

But you might be right, that I don't really understand my self and it really is a kind of avoidance.

I talked more to the woman I'm interested in, and now I changed my mind about her. Now I just think that she is a woman who had bad luck in previous relationships. Even though her parents are divorced, she had a good relationship with her father growing up. But maybe there is something else beneath the surface which I can't see yet.

It seems to be going well so far, although sometimes I am really struggling to avoid contacting her too often. Yesterday I was so upset because she told me she would call me back, and she did not call me back within a few hours. I thought it was finally a clear sign that she's not interested. Then finally she sent me a message, and I called her. We talked for a long time, and had a very nice conversation, and afterwards I had a really warm feeling.

This is where I often mess things up. Right now, I feel that she likes me, at least somewhat. But, as a man, who has to be the one doing the calling, etc., I find it to be very stressful. I have trouble coping with the times when I am not getting a clear affirmation from her. As a result, I get anxious and I do something or say something that sends the message that I am desperate, or emotionally unstable, which women find unattractive.

Its a kind of weakness, for a man not to be able to handle those stressful early parts of a relationship, but I also think that it reflects unfair gender based demands on men. As a man, I have to be able to cope with this kind of thing, or else I just won't make it, at least not with someone that I really like.

I think this reflects gender differences in the norms of dating. In dating (and even more so where I live which is a more traditional country), the man has to be the one to initiate contact, dating etc. So usually the man is more interested in the woman from the start. The woman's feelings may come more slowly, so the man may need to be ready for a fairly long courtship. But the fact is that I just have difficulty with that period and I find it to be rather excruciating, when I am already interested in someone, but they may not be at the same level of feeling yet.

Can anyone help me, especially with advice about how to keep myself calm and cool during this difficult phase?