With all due respect (and apologies to) BR ;-)
Jul 30, 2011 10:33:53 GMT -8
From the ashes likes this
Post by nvr2late on Jul 30, 2011 10:33:53 GMT -8
What Natalie posted in her blog this week (http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/dear-so-so-sorry-my-heartlibidoegoimagination-says-yes-but-my-self-esteem-says-no/ resonated SO long and hard with me that I had to use some of it because she said so much of what I needed to say to my Ex and was not finding the words or syntax to do it. So here, with my apologies for blatant plagiarism, LOL...hope she doesn't mind, is my version:
"7/30/2011
Dear XX:
I'm going to pull back from your offer to get back together, at least for now.
The thing is, I’m sure you think that what you’re proposing is ‘great’ and that based on past dealings with me you think it's totally up my alley. But actually, my self-esteem is on the rise and that just doesn’t fit in with me these days.
I’ve been guilty of not only being a YES person when I desperately wanted to say NO, but having little or no boundaries in the past. I haven’t realized the importance of loving myself and treating me with care, trust, and respect. Also how certain types of behavior make it a no-go for a mutually fulfilling relationship.
For my entire adult life, I’ve been passionate about finding love, being ‘good enough’, being the exception to the rule, convincing people to choose me, waiting around, avoiding myself and my mistakes, righting the wrongs of the past, the relationship insanity of doing the same thing and expecting a different result, and basically trying to take a shortcut where I’ve tried to get others to create feelings within me, and meet needs that I can’t do for myself.
It truly is much easier to say YES instead of NO.
That’s not just because of the short-term gain and not having to deal with the guilt, but also because I’ve believed that by saying YES, it might temporarily soothe my pain and loneliness, and get me what I needed from you, and minimize conflict.
"How's that workin' for ya, S.?"
"It's not :-( "
As for sex/ego stroke/shoulder to lean on ‘until’ you or I find someone else – you’d be blocking the entrance for something better, and I’d be letting you do it. I have learned what it means to enable your addictions. I am done doing that. And that's my gift to you, believe it or not.
You might feel like you’re not asking me for ‘that much’ or that it feels good and works for you, so it’ll feel good and work for me, but your standards and mine are clearly two very different things. Ultimately it’s up to me to decide what works for me. Only you get to decide what works for you.
So, as for us trying to work things out? Although my libido says “yes”, I recognize that my libido is really not a very good judge of character, and that I’ll feel good now, stuff later. Sex is not an automatic precursor to the relationship I want, nor is the fact that I’m horny or we have a great sexual connection indicative of the strength of our ‘relationship’.
Although my ego is saying “yes”, to be honest with you, my ego’s gotten me in a lot of trouble. I’m learning to self-validate instead of looking for people who don’t value me to tell me how valuable I am - which is a bit like asking a random stranger off the street to value your home.
I haven't seen much evidence that you value me the way I need to feel valued. I think you're trying, I really do. But I'm finding I’m afraid to tell you what I really need from you. I don't think you will understand until you get some professional help. Or at the very, very least, do some 12 Step work.
Although my imagination is saying “yes”, I need reality. The fact is, for most of the past 22 yrs, I’ve had a whole different relationship with you all up in my head, and invariably, the fantasy is better than the truth. So thanks, but no thanks, because I’ve learned I can’t bet the rest of my life on Fantasy or Potential.
You have changed so much. It doesn’t seem like you are the man I married. They say People Don't Change. Not true. We change all the time, and often not for the better. I've been looking real hard for the man I married and I can't find him. Little bits keep popping out every so often, but right now that's not helping me feel optimistic about your willingness to do the hard work and go the distance.
And my heart MAY be saying “yes”, but again, maybe it isn’t. The truth is, I could never know what my heart really and truly wanted until I learned to love myself and saw *me* as a valuable person that’s worthwhile - that’s worth the effort, worth the boundaries, worth not selling myself short for.
The lesson learned from all of my saying YES whether it has been via my actions or words, is that when I’m being emotionally honest and authentic, then my heart, my choices, what I want and what I get are better aligned.
You and I have enough experience that demonstrates what results when we continue doing the same thing and expecting different results.
I want to experience happiness instead of banging my head against a brick wall and settling for tidbits of "love" and "emotional connection" only when you are prepared to hand them out in between feeding and nurturing your addictions (and watching the sports channel).
I know and believe you love me. As much as you can love anyone. Never in doubt.
You know I love you. That hasn't changed. But what I do know is, you can love someone and know that you can't be with them.
I'm not saying "NEVER!!". I'm saying "Not right now."
If you ever come to the place of recovery, of admitting the truth about yourself TO yourself, if you ever reach the point of grieving the things you need to to grieve so that you can heal and move on to become a healthy man, let me know.
I've learned in the past few weeks that I cannot pretend along with you that things are ok...I can't spend time with you on the sofa "playing house" without having the clear knowledge and reassurance of knowing YOU are working on YOU.
It's meant a lot to me to watch the Silk videos and to have a few of the talks we've had. I got my hopes up. I tried to believe for a little while we could do this.
But the real stuff ain't happenin'. "Nothing changes if nothing changes". I’m SO not going to sit around watching ballgames with you and pretending to like it. I don’t like it. You can do that at your house, but not mine.
I'm done with pretending. I'm done with trying to manufacture feelings I "should" have. I'm tired of believing a fantasy and letting it "be my reality". Done.
I wanted to spend quality time with you. We tried it, but it didn’t seem to stick. Maybe we just need to take it slower, I don’t know. I just know what we’ve been doing isn’t working for me at all.
I’m going to occupy my life with learning who I really am and fix all my broken pieces. In the future, whatever I say yes to relationship-wise, it’s going to come from a positive place and reflect a me that loves me and knows what I need and feel safe in asking for.
with love,
S."
And yeah, I'm sending it.
"7/30/2011
Dear XX:
I'm going to pull back from your offer to get back together, at least for now.
The thing is, I’m sure you think that what you’re proposing is ‘great’ and that based on past dealings with me you think it's totally up my alley. But actually, my self-esteem is on the rise and that just doesn’t fit in with me these days.
I’ve been guilty of not only being a YES person when I desperately wanted to say NO, but having little or no boundaries in the past. I haven’t realized the importance of loving myself and treating me with care, trust, and respect. Also how certain types of behavior make it a no-go for a mutually fulfilling relationship.
For my entire adult life, I’ve been passionate about finding love, being ‘good enough’, being the exception to the rule, convincing people to choose me, waiting around, avoiding myself and my mistakes, righting the wrongs of the past, the relationship insanity of doing the same thing and expecting a different result, and basically trying to take a shortcut where I’ve tried to get others to create feelings within me, and meet needs that I can’t do for myself.
It truly is much easier to say YES instead of NO.
That’s not just because of the short-term gain and not having to deal with the guilt, but also because I’ve believed that by saying YES, it might temporarily soothe my pain and loneliness, and get me what I needed from you, and minimize conflict.
"How's that workin' for ya, S.?"
"It's not :-( "
As for sex/ego stroke/shoulder to lean on ‘until’ you or I find someone else – you’d be blocking the entrance for something better, and I’d be letting you do it. I have learned what it means to enable your addictions. I am done doing that. And that's my gift to you, believe it or not.
You might feel like you’re not asking me for ‘that much’ or that it feels good and works for you, so it’ll feel good and work for me, but your standards and mine are clearly two very different things. Ultimately it’s up to me to decide what works for me. Only you get to decide what works for you.
So, as for us trying to work things out? Although my libido says “yes”, I recognize that my libido is really not a very good judge of character, and that I’ll feel good now, stuff later. Sex is not an automatic precursor to the relationship I want, nor is the fact that I’m horny or we have a great sexual connection indicative of the strength of our ‘relationship’.
Although my ego is saying “yes”, to be honest with you, my ego’s gotten me in a lot of trouble. I’m learning to self-validate instead of looking for people who don’t value me to tell me how valuable I am - which is a bit like asking a random stranger off the street to value your home.
I haven't seen much evidence that you value me the way I need to feel valued. I think you're trying, I really do. But I'm finding I’m afraid to tell you what I really need from you. I don't think you will understand until you get some professional help. Or at the very, very least, do some 12 Step work.
Although my imagination is saying “yes”, I need reality. The fact is, for most of the past 22 yrs, I’ve had a whole different relationship with you all up in my head, and invariably, the fantasy is better than the truth. So thanks, but no thanks, because I’ve learned I can’t bet the rest of my life on Fantasy or Potential.
You have changed so much. It doesn’t seem like you are the man I married. They say People Don't Change. Not true. We change all the time, and often not for the better. I've been looking real hard for the man I married and I can't find him. Little bits keep popping out every so often, but right now that's not helping me feel optimistic about your willingness to do the hard work and go the distance.
And my heart MAY be saying “yes”, but again, maybe it isn’t. The truth is, I could never know what my heart really and truly wanted until I learned to love myself and saw *me* as a valuable person that’s worthwhile - that’s worth the effort, worth the boundaries, worth not selling myself short for.
The lesson learned from all of my saying YES whether it has been via my actions or words, is that when I’m being emotionally honest and authentic, then my heart, my choices, what I want and what I get are better aligned.
You and I have enough experience that demonstrates what results when we continue doing the same thing and expecting different results.
I want to experience happiness instead of banging my head against a brick wall and settling for tidbits of "love" and "emotional connection" only when you are prepared to hand them out in between feeding and nurturing your addictions (and watching the sports channel).
I know and believe you love me. As much as you can love anyone. Never in doubt.
You know I love you. That hasn't changed. But what I do know is, you can love someone and know that you can't be with them.
I'm not saying "NEVER!!". I'm saying "Not right now."
If you ever come to the place of recovery, of admitting the truth about yourself TO yourself, if you ever reach the point of grieving the things you need to to grieve so that you can heal and move on to become a healthy man, let me know.
I've learned in the past few weeks that I cannot pretend along with you that things are ok...I can't spend time with you on the sofa "playing house" without having the clear knowledge and reassurance of knowing YOU are working on YOU.
It's meant a lot to me to watch the Silk videos and to have a few of the talks we've had. I got my hopes up. I tried to believe for a little while we could do this.
But the real stuff ain't happenin'. "Nothing changes if nothing changes". I’m SO not going to sit around watching ballgames with you and pretending to like it. I don’t like it. You can do that at your house, but not mine.
I'm done with pretending. I'm done with trying to manufacture feelings I "should" have. I'm tired of believing a fantasy and letting it "be my reality". Done.
I wanted to spend quality time with you. We tried it, but it didn’t seem to stick. Maybe we just need to take it slower, I don’t know. I just know what we’ve been doing isn’t working for me at all.
I’m going to occupy my life with learning who I really am and fix all my broken pieces. In the future, whatever I say yes to relationship-wise, it’s going to come from a positive place and reflect a me that loves me and knows what I need and feel safe in asking for.
with love,
S."
And yeah, I'm sending it.
