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Post by kollontai77 on Jul 30, 2011 20:43:39 GMT -8
Greetings.
I fell hopelessly for an older guy, teaching us about movie cameras, back in 2005. He seemed initially to be a little bit interested, but cooled off. There was no physical intimacy at all.
I told him of my feelings the following year by text message, he wasn't interested. There were years where we didn't talk or see each other at all, besides him fixing movie cameras for me. But we became friends on Facebook last year, and that's when the problems really started.
He invited me over to his place, we talked for three hours, about his ex moving on with another partner, and his desire to resurrect his filmmaking career. I was going through tough times as well. We talked to each other lots on facebook, making jokes, liking each others photos, and providing occasional support to each other.
But when he started posting pictures of the new women he was dating, I couldn't cope with the jealousy.
I defriended him and explained why a couple of weeks ago. He blocked me in return. I've emailed him last night, asking how I can get over the infatuation when there's no future, and I miss his friendship. No response so far.
I really don't know what to do. It's been 6 years in this vicious loop. I feel utterly humilated, unattractive and pathetic. Noone really understands how intense I feel, and think it's pathologically wrong and creepy. I am terrified that I will turn into an toxic stalker. I feel also that I am disintegrating and that I have no self.
What can I do?
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Post by bringerlight on Jul 31, 2011 22:32:10 GMT -8
Kollontai,
Its good that you wrote here and I can understand because I have had similar issues in the past. During my entire undergraduate career, I went from "bearing the torch" from one woman to another. As a result, I never had a girlfriend during the whole four years, even though there were many attractive and intelligent women around.
I'm sure you feel a lot better already from having written on this board. Unfortunately the torchbearer page doesn't seem to get a lot of attention here.
I'm kind of new to this page so maybe some other posters will disagree with me. But the first step I think is to work on self- appreciation/ self-esteem. We have to recognize, that even if members of the opposite sex don't like us, it doesn't mean that we have no value as a person. It is of course disappointing when the one that we like doesn't like us, but we still have value otherwise.
I would also suggest going through the motions of trying to date other people, even if you're not really interested in them. Be careful not to carelessly hurt those people as well, though. Even though you might not feel strongly for the people you date, at least it can help get the mind off the one you are obsessing over. It can also help to establish a little bit of self-worth.
Others on this board, however, would probably suggest not dating, as they would fear you will transfer the torch to someone else. I just feel that it helps to loosen up that feeling of desperation and low self esteem, to have a little social life outside.
I also find that it helps to do things that keep my mind busy. I like reading, and often if I read the news for a few hours, and my mind gets engaged in something else, I forget about that person for a little while at least. Sometimes later, I would revert to thinking about that person, so its a never ending battle.
As for stalking, I would do everything you can to avoid that. Because, subconsciously you will know it is wrong, and you will feel even worse about yourself. You will start to feel like you are really weird and messed up. I would say if you ever feel like stalking, to call a good friend or make a post here, or write in a journal.
You also said "no one really understands how intense I feel." That's how I felt before, and that's why this board is so good. You can quickly see you are not the only one and many other people have the same issue.
Good luck and let us know what happens.
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neo
Junior Member
Posts: 57
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Post by neo on Aug 2, 2011 17:56:28 GMT -8
Try snapping a rubber band on your wrist when you think of him and then proclaim "I Am Great". It will help tell your subconscious mind that when it sends up a fantasy of him, it will get pain. The more scarce something is, the more we want it. I have been dealing with LA for 35 years and finally putting it to rest now that my POA got married.
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Post by nvr2late on Aug 3, 2011 6:53:44 GMT -8
Welcome kollontai77! What can you do? Start working the 12 Steps of LAA. laarecovery.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=lovesteps Learn the Serenity Prayer. Say it over and over until it becomes a part of you. It's a start. Come here and post often, let us encourage you. |
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Post by LovelyJune on Aug 4, 2011 2:46:46 GMT -8
Welcome kollontai77
Firstly, you are not creepy. You simply do not recognize that you are worth more than a man who is not in love with you or doesn't see you as a romantic partner. He seems to have been very clear in his communication all along and so, it is your responsibility to yourself and others to respect what he is saying. Really hearing and respecting what others have to say is an important part of recovery.
But more importantly, you need to start reading about love addiction and building your self-esteem and self worth. When you BELIEVE you are a worthy person, you do not settle for these types of relationships where you get literally nothing in return. You're starving, and yet, instead of looking for a decent meal, you're eating sstuffs from a trash can. I'm not saying he is a bad person (I didn't get that sense from your post) but when you remain emotionally attached to someone unavailable, you are denying yourself a REAL and intimate relationship. Why do people do that? Because they don't believe they're worth it. YOU'RE WORTH MORE!
So...start reading. Start learning. Start focusing on YOU,
Lastly, I just wanted to comment on Bringer's comments. I agree with him that you need to work on self-esteem. But I disagree that you should go out and start dating again. Right now you're broken. WHen you go out to date, you will attract (like it or not) other broken individuals (it's the law of attraction; water seeks its own level). Besides, he's right, it then becomes a matter of transference. And you don't want to do that. A solid recovery entails that you work this out on your own-independent of others. You don't need a little "kick" to take the edge off while trying to recover--even though you think you do. You merely need to get serious and know that recovery, at least in the beginning is a struggle and it's hard work. But it's worth it. YOu are worth it.
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Post by lovely1 on Aug 29, 2011 18:59:01 GMT -8
Hi kollontai77,
I doubt you will become a "creepy stalker" since you are taking steps to come to terms with your addiction. Being rejected by a POA can leave you feeling unattractive etc, however, that's not his fault. Nor is the infatuation so you can't go to him for solutions. He can't help you.
No contact can help you. You already defriended him on facebook, you must also make a vow not to text, call etc as well. Also you can't go to him with help with the cameras anymore. I also had a professional connection with my POA as he's an industry leader so I would count on his advice etc. However even if your POA is the best of the best of the best at what he does, then you have to go to the person who is second, third best. That's just the way it is. My POA is brilliant, and I know he could help me in my carrer, but I can not contact him anymore under any circumstances. It's No Contact for life.
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Post by emilywebb on Sept 11, 2011 8:21:34 GMT -8
Hi kollontai and welcome. I joined this board in June of this year because of my torchbearing tendencies, and then I quit coming on here because I thought I could handle things myself. It turns out I couldn't. In addition to being addicted to my POA, I also got addicted to talking to internet psychics about my crush. I ended up having an argument with my POA about a month ago, which I started, because I saw him posting on his ex gf's Facebook, and I found out he went out to Seattle to visit her along with some other friends. This after emailing me in April and telling me how he'd wasted all his time on her... she was such a b**** etc. Oh well. I have had to cut down on the psychics because concerned friends saw me blowing all of my money on these sites talking to psychics, most of whom promised a relationship with this guy if I waited long enough and was patient. I fell for it. I went on this spree after the argument and I blew about $300 on various psychic sites. I did talk to a psychic yesterday and, while I don't at all endorse anyone to start doing that, she at least had the honesty and integrity to tell me he was immature and is an OK person to flirt with, but he wasn't someone who wanted to take responsibility for his actions, and wasn't a good person to have a relationship with, and really didn't want a girlfriend period because he likes being single. Ho hum. I felt good after that reading and I'm getting that my desire to contact him and talk to psychics has lessened tremendously. The point is you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you that self-esteem and a healthy sense of self-worth can't fix. People who judge you don't know what it is like to have this problem. It is hard. I have suffered through seven or eight torchbearing crushes in my life and I know how much it sucks. Most of my crushes last about three years max and then I eventually get over it, and I never really "like" anyone I date all that much. I don't "love" them but I "love" my crushes. I'm kind of glad I had it out with my POA because at least I wasn't bottling it all up inside anymore, and he revealed to me that he's really not a very nice person and he hasn't changed much, or at all, and he really never wanted to be "friends" at all. It is tough but gaining more self-esteem will help you in your struggle. I honestly do think it is a good idea to date or meet new people and make new friends while you are going through this process. If you are aware that you have this habit/tendency, then you can take steps to put a stop to it if you feel a crush coming on. Actually if you want to get out and date, it's best to do so with people you aren't "feeling it" for, because then at least you are getting out of the house. I know how hard this is because I have suffered through the anxiety, depression and having a broken heart every day for about three years now and I feel I'm finally getting to the end of this one. My last crush lasted for about three years also, and nothing ever happened with that guy, either. Stay strong and know that there is a supportive community of people just like you here to help.  |
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Sept 11, 2011 13:15:13 GMT -8
Hi K, and hello again emilywebb, thanks for sharing and I'm so glad you realised you're chucking your money away on psychics...even if they are psychic it's SO not going to help you get healthier. Just not possible. It's like investing your money in Coal Gas Seam mining and then wondering why you can't buy some well priced solar panels for your house. Right game, wrong ballpark. Work those metaphors.
Can I enter the apparent debate beginning here on whether to date when in recovery? I think it's a really bad idea. There is absolutely no way that someone who is a Love Addict, or codependent and still in the early days of finding out exactly how their addiction is in play in their lives, can avoid being pulled to the stuffpy partner choices. Its like physics. Certain materials attract and bond, other repel. Unrecovered, a LA attracts an avoidant. No choice. Healthy men can see the signs of a LA and save themselves the stress of a woman who is going to collapse on them, who will start drowning in her unmet needs and look for a rescuer. You don't know how to meet your own needs yet!
John Lennon puts it well.
You can go to church and sing a hymn
You can judge a man by the colour of his skin
You can live a lie until you die
One thing you can't hide
Is when you're crippled inside.
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Post by emilywebb on Sept 13, 2011 10:08:36 GMT -8
Thanks for the re-welcome, jacarandagirl. I've had some friends intervene about the psychics and they are monitoring my money until I can get to a point where I'm spending responsibly and not willy-nilly on psychics. They are not helping, and one in particular I kept going to was helping to enable my helpless behavior wherein I sat around and waited for him to "come back" and told me to apologize for what I said to this guy during our argument. I'm like no. I'm not doing that. He needed a shoulder to cry on when things were on a downturn with his ex and then he went running back to her. I agree that you can still be pulled into stuffpy partner choices if you are an LA and you start dating while carrying a torch for someone else, but there's nothing wrong with "shopping" as long as you don't get too seriously caught up in someone. I'm taking a break myself because I realized while I was out walking today that guys/love/relationships has been a huge focus of my life for so long. All I wanted to have in high school was a boyfriend (p.s. I never had one in hs really). I neglected my grades, activities, everything because all I could do was fantasize about some guy that treated me badly coming back and us finally having that perfect relationship, or that perfect guy coming into my life just as soon as I got to college. It's BS. I've spent too much time focusing on guys, and the reason I did it was because I was bullied a lot in school, and that was the fantasy I developed as a refuge from the teasing. I had other fantasies, too, but that was the main one. I used books as an escape, and some TV shows, but that was what I fantasized about to get through the pain of going to school every day and facing my classmates' abuse. So when I started being old enough to date, I would take whatever perceived love/approval I could get and disregarded it when they treated me poorly. If I had higher self-esteem, I would have focused on things like getting good grades and getting into a good college, but nope. I went toward fantasizing about boys.  Wow, I have written a lot. I didn't mean to totally take over K's topic here. I feel this guy is taking it a little too far by blocking you. I mean as long as the email was friendly and you were honest with him, there is no reason for him to block you on Facebook. If people don't want others to know what they are up to, don't put it on the internet. Duh!! I hope you feel better, K. I know how badly you feel right now, but I have to tell you that, and I know this is a cliche, but it's really not the end of the world. I cried today over my POA, but it's OK and I have to let it out. I started watching TED lectures and lectures at openyalecourses.com when I feel like I need to talk to a psychic or brood. It's hard. Every day, put one foot in front of the other. |
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Post by lovely1 on Sept 23, 2011 10:20:33 GMT -8
Emilyweb,
I too consulted a psychic about my POA. She even had a crystal ball! LOL. I can't remember how it went about, but there I was sitting in this lady's house while she looked into her crystal ball to find out what I should do. She told me that I was so drawn to this guy because someone had put a curse on me and she told me to stop seeing him. She wanted to sell me something to lift the curse, but I'm not sure if I bought it or not. This was more than 10 years ago.
The feelings are so intense and uncomfortable when you're a LA that you want relief from where ever you can get it, either by interacting with the POA or talking about the POA with someone else.
I'm wondering if you considered talking to a therapist about this situation. While a therapist won't say they can predict your future, they can make assessments based on the hundreds and hundreds of love addicts that have come before you. We have a lot in common. Once on this board, a lady said my story was so similar to hers that she wondered if my POA was the same as hers.
And if I emailed my POA right now I can predict what will happen, how I will feel as I waited in agony for him to email me back. I can see a future where I look back on the day I emailed him after months and months of sobriety and feel guilty. I know that if I allow it, he will hurt me again.
I'm sure if you think about it, you can see your patterns and determine if I do this, then that will happen.
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