Post by LovelyJune on May 4, 2010 3:08:59 GMT -8
So often we see the list of what a good relationship is built on and what it possesses: love, trust, openness, honesty, kindness, etc. But it occurred to me the other day that a good relationship also lacks much of the discomfort we as LAs tend to be used to. Many of us on the road to recovery are able to see that love, trust and kindness are essential to the success of a new relationship, but we sometimes forget or don't realize that there are certain obstacles or drawbacks that should NOT be present in a good relationship. In plain language, here's what I mean:
Doubt: a healthy dose of doubt is natural to EVERY budding relationship. In the beginning, you barely know this new person. But after 6 months, your doubt should begin to disappear. The relationship, if it's healthy, should be getting stronger. Doubt is a sign of a relationship's weakness.
Frustration: A good relationship is a peaceful, passionate one, built of friendship. If you find yourself constantly frustrated by your partner's behavior, what he or she gives you or denies you, something is wrong. Think about a family member or a close friend whom you love dearly and have a solid, long term relationship with. Although people can be frustrating from time to time, if you notice a CONSTANT sense of frustration, there is something wrong.
Red Flags: When I was younger I thought that everyone had some red flags. It was just a matter of adapting to them. This was WRONG, TOXIC THINKING. Not everyone has red flags. Everyone has problems and weaknesses. No one is perfect. But a red flag is something entirely different from a problem. For example, a red flag to a Love Addict (or anyone for that matter) might be a partner who has a drinking problem, or at 40, still lives at home. A red flag is a married person or someone who does not want to commit to a relationship. Red flags are signs of danger. There are some that are universal, but most come from what YOU personally can and cannot tolerate. Remember to gauge the difference between signs of danger and a normal, healthy amount of personal problems.
Moral conflict: If you, within yourself, are having a moral conflict regarding this relationship it's probably not healthy. A moral conflict occurs when you are in a relationship that you continuously keep questioning if it's right for you. You feel there is something wrong, but you can't quite put your finger on it. There may not be chemistry, it might be an issue as small as attraction. Whatever the cause, if you are constantly going back and forth, questioning the validity, strength and health of your relationship, this is not a sign of a healthy relationship.
Worry: If you love someone, but you are constantly worried that they will leave, or that they do not love you, this is not healthy. Either you are not yet ready for a healthy relationship, or you are sensing something that you do not want to face (an issue of mistrust maybe?)
Be conscious when entering a new relationship. As much as it hurts to face the fact that he or she may not be "the one" you need to remain realistic and look out for these things within yourself. The more you know yourself, the more these things are easy to detect.
Doubt: a healthy dose of doubt is natural to EVERY budding relationship. In the beginning, you barely know this new person. But after 6 months, your doubt should begin to disappear. The relationship, if it's healthy, should be getting stronger. Doubt is a sign of a relationship's weakness.
Frustration: A good relationship is a peaceful, passionate one, built of friendship. If you find yourself constantly frustrated by your partner's behavior, what he or she gives you or denies you, something is wrong. Think about a family member or a close friend whom you love dearly and have a solid, long term relationship with. Although people can be frustrating from time to time, if you notice a CONSTANT sense of frustration, there is something wrong.
Red Flags: When I was younger I thought that everyone had some red flags. It was just a matter of adapting to them. This was WRONG, TOXIC THINKING. Not everyone has red flags. Everyone has problems and weaknesses. No one is perfect. But a red flag is something entirely different from a problem. For example, a red flag to a Love Addict (or anyone for that matter) might be a partner who has a drinking problem, or at 40, still lives at home. A red flag is a married person or someone who does not want to commit to a relationship. Red flags are signs of danger. There are some that are universal, but most come from what YOU personally can and cannot tolerate. Remember to gauge the difference between signs of danger and a normal, healthy amount of personal problems.
Moral conflict: If you, within yourself, are having a moral conflict regarding this relationship it's probably not healthy. A moral conflict occurs when you are in a relationship that you continuously keep questioning if it's right for you. You feel there is something wrong, but you can't quite put your finger on it. There may not be chemistry, it might be an issue as small as attraction. Whatever the cause, if you are constantly going back and forth, questioning the validity, strength and health of your relationship, this is not a sign of a healthy relationship.
Worry: If you love someone, but you are constantly worried that they will leave, or that they do not love you, this is not healthy. Either you are not yet ready for a healthy relationship, or you are sensing something that you do not want to face (an issue of mistrust maybe?)
Be conscious when entering a new relationship. As much as it hurts to face the fact that he or she may not be "the one" you need to remain realistic and look out for these things within yourself. The more you know yourself, the more these things are easy to detect.
