Post by LovelyJune on Apr 13, 2009 11:53:54 GMT -8
Here's an Update Folks:
I feel as though I am at a HUGE, MASSIVE, ENORMOUS, MAke it or break it point in my recovery. I am with a good man and trying to overcome the self-sabotaging behaviors I am usually guilty of committing.
I have made a conscious choice to do better for myself and yet, it doesn't always feel right. The guy I am with is an incredibly good man. I do not/will not have ANY of the previous issues I've ever had with G or S or even my ex husband. No drugs, no alcohol, no lying, no cheating, no emotional withdrawal, no avoidance etc. Thing is, I didn't realize what a drama junkie I was. When there's no drama or pain or suffering, I tend to try and create it. OR, worse, I think to myself that I can't possibly like or love him if there's JUST PEACEFUL US.
My brain and my emotions are very jumbled up now. I have moments of complete lust and passion for him which then turn to feelings of disgust and and resentment and latent anger. Other times, I feel whole and perfectly in love and right. I liken these emotions to the volatility of birth and new life. If you've ever seen a baby's face within the first few months of its life, it goes from happy to sad within seconds. Like jumbled, loose electric wires. Having to stay up late to date him is rubbing me the wrong way. But that's virtually it. Seriously, he's so mild. And it's not that he has no personality or that he's a bore. Neither. I think it's just that i do not RECOGNIZE the structure and flow of "normal." I keep waiting for the bottom to drop out. Or something crazy to happen. And nothing does. Things keep going smoothly. So...i try to be grateful. A lot of self talk. I am determined to change. I am determined to re-invent myself. That is literally, the only way to go. I have to relearn how to BE in a relationship. I have to redefine what LOve is. It's not what it used to be. It's not easy. It may sound like it. It may sounds like, "Wow, she's finally got a good man. If I were in her shoes, I'd finally be happy." But it's so not that way. We love addicts don't know what to do with NORMAL and HEALTHY. Most of us consider a complete recovery to be our strength in keeping out bad men and maintaining good boundaries. At least that's what i thought initially. But that's only part of it. We then must accept change and goodness in our lives, and at first, we will not recognize it as something that is good. We will be angry that we must change. We will feel cheated out of our nature. But...this is how we grow.
I am reading "Finally Getting it Right" by Howard Halpern (as per Susan's recommendation). There's a great chapter on the hidden reasons we sabotage a good loving relationship. Here are all ten listed:
So...I'm working on that list and it feels good to do so.
Also: I finally got the restitution from S. As some of you may remember, we were supposed to go out to dinner w/ my kids etc. We finally did a couple weeks ago and we all had a great time. But my feelings for him started to get in the way of my relationship with D. And S started to get real flirty. Finally, i did something very difficult for me...I had a long talk with S, just about a week ago and I said I am dating someone new, but I still having feelings for you and because of that, I don't think it's a good idea that we hang out and try to be "friends." He was surprised to hear that, but he said that he was starting to have strong feelings for me again too. HOLY LORD. I was so happy to hear that, and yet...it came at a point in my recovery where I finally realize he's just as bad as G was and that it cannot be. I deserve better, despite loving him.
He did admit though that at this point in his life he cannot have a relationship with anyone. And that made me feel better. I know I am making the right choice. Weird how life gives and takes like that...
Progress, not perfection
xo
I feel as though I am at a HUGE, MASSIVE, ENORMOUS, MAke it or break it point in my recovery. I am with a good man and trying to overcome the self-sabotaging behaviors I am usually guilty of committing.
I have made a conscious choice to do better for myself and yet, it doesn't always feel right. The guy I am with is an incredibly good man. I do not/will not have ANY of the previous issues I've ever had with G or S or even my ex husband. No drugs, no alcohol, no lying, no cheating, no emotional withdrawal, no avoidance etc. Thing is, I didn't realize what a drama junkie I was. When there's no drama or pain or suffering, I tend to try and create it. OR, worse, I think to myself that I can't possibly like or love him if there's JUST PEACEFUL US.
My brain and my emotions are very jumbled up now. I have moments of complete lust and passion for him which then turn to feelings of disgust and and resentment and latent anger. Other times, I feel whole and perfectly in love and right. I liken these emotions to the volatility of birth and new life. If you've ever seen a baby's face within the first few months of its life, it goes from happy to sad within seconds. Like jumbled, loose electric wires. Having to stay up late to date him is rubbing me the wrong way. But that's virtually it. Seriously, he's so mild. And it's not that he has no personality or that he's a bore. Neither. I think it's just that i do not RECOGNIZE the structure and flow of "normal." I keep waiting for the bottom to drop out. Or something crazy to happen. And nothing does. Things keep going smoothly. So...i try to be grateful. A lot of self talk. I am determined to change. I am determined to re-invent myself. That is literally, the only way to go. I have to relearn how to BE in a relationship. I have to redefine what LOve is. It's not what it used to be. It's not easy. It may sound like it. It may sounds like, "Wow, she's finally got a good man. If I were in her shoes, I'd finally be happy." But it's so not that way. We love addicts don't know what to do with NORMAL and HEALTHY. Most of us consider a complete recovery to be our strength in keeping out bad men and maintaining good boundaries. At least that's what i thought initially. But that's only part of it. We then must accept change and goodness in our lives, and at first, we will not recognize it as something that is good. We will be angry that we must change. We will feel cheated out of our nature. But...this is how we grow.
I am reading "Finally Getting it Right" by Howard Halpern (as per Susan's recommendation). There's a great chapter on the hidden reasons we sabotage a good loving relationship. Here are all ten listed:
- Fear of Intimacy (me!)
- Fear of Loss of Self (me!)
- Fear of Abandonment
- Fear of Being Rejected
- Fear of Winning
- Guilt About Leaving Someone Behind
- Fear of Being a Grown Up (me!)
- Fear of Giving Up the Poor Me Position
- Sexual Anxieties
- Giving Up the High of a Bad Relationship
So...I'm working on that list and it feels good to do so.
Also: I finally got the restitution from S. As some of you may remember, we were supposed to go out to dinner w/ my kids etc. We finally did a couple weeks ago and we all had a great time. But my feelings for him started to get in the way of my relationship with D. And S started to get real flirty. Finally, i did something very difficult for me...I had a long talk with S, just about a week ago and I said I am dating someone new, but I still having feelings for you and because of that, I don't think it's a good idea that we hang out and try to be "friends." He was surprised to hear that, but he said that he was starting to have strong feelings for me again too. HOLY LORD. I was so happy to hear that, and yet...it came at a point in my recovery where I finally realize he's just as bad as G was and that it cannot be. I deserve better, despite loving him.
He did admit though that at this point in his life he cannot have a relationship with anyone. And that made me feel better. I know I am making the right choice. Weird how life gives and takes like that...
Progress, not perfection
xo
