HOw's this for a Dream...

Last night i had a doozy of a WEIRD dream about G. I was at a party, looking for him and someone said he was out in the courtyard. I went outside into this beautiful, Spanish-style sunny courtyard and there he was, in the corner, looking very sick and pale and he was sitting on one of those toilet seats on wheels with rail guards for handicapped people. Right out in the open courtyard. And he was pooping himself. And there was stuff every where, all over the patio. But worst of all, I was barefoot and stepping in it! I ran over to him and being the caretaker I am, I said, "what are you doing? we need to clean you up." And he just laughed at me and said, "this is who I am, baby. Get used to it." It was so disturbing that it woke me up.

Talk about a hugely symbolic dream. I had recently written an article about G on his uncanny ability to live green. As we're dumping some 20 metric tons of C02 into the atmosphere every year, he's only dumping about six. A heroic feat. So, I have been in contact with him more than usual. He came over last night with a beautiful bracelet that he had "acquired" for me. It was a Christmas gift. And the thought was quite nice. But my brother was over when he arrived and I was nervous about the dynamics. My brother doesn't like G too much. Never has. Anyway, G comes in looking more homeless than usual (are there actual degrees of "looking" homeless- yes). The dingy layers of black and gray hoodies, the dirt under the fingernails, the wirey Grampa Herman-looking side-burns. Oh! And the smell of fried foods from the diner. I have always loved G for who he is inherently, underneath the shoddy exterior. And when we were together I had a certain amount of influence over how he kept himself. But I was actually grateful last night that we are NOT dating anymore. I don't know how I was able to put up with that. I see it as a sickness now. An inability to care for oneself.

Anyway, we watched Superbad with my bro who left around 8 and then G left around 10ish. No hugs, no kisses, no desire coming from either of us- no nothing. I was content about that. There is definitely an imaginary wall up between us and it feels rather nice and safe.

But I now see how my brain is translating the events and why I dreamed the dream. G represents where I was and where I no longer wish to be. And the stuff DEFINITELY represents how I now perceive him. The point is, that my brain now craves maturity, intellect, sexuality, cleanliness, normalcy (thanks, in part, to certain people here who have been reminding me that i deserve these things).

For a few years now I have been seeking out the superficial stuff-- the musician, the rebel, the super sexy Rockabilly guy with tattoos and long hair. There is definitely a side of me that is drawn to that. But I have learned the hard way that those types of men don't seem to answer my craving for normalcy-- of which a huge part of me needs. It's not that I have dated "bad" men or cruel-hearted men. It's just that their goals and dreams are quite different from mine.

I remember when I dated M, briefly. He used to say to me all the time, Tracy, I'm a family man. This freaked me out. Scared me to death. I didn't want a family man. I wanted a rebel. I wanted a man who represented where I wanted to go, who I wanted to be. I wasn't able to make peace with the fact that I am a family woman. I've always resisted it. Like my suburban housewife friend SD always says, "I am not a suburban housewife." Well, I too struggle with that reality. I am an artist. I belong with an eclectic clique of writers and illustrators and musicians. Don't I? OK, in fantasy-world, yes. But my reality is quite different. My reality is that I am very family-oriented. I am a homebody. I enjoy my children. I can't really live the life of a rebel. I've never been able to. When will I finally realize that? When I know myself, I suppose.

Oh anyway...Despite needing to make peace with my reality, I'll take a night of sexy dreams instead. I can't come to terms with my whole life too fast. Besides, I quite enjoy the freedom of "contained" fantasy. I'll start dreaming up dreams of divorced men with kids. That's a huge step for me-- in the right direction.

Original tale posted here: currentlyundefined.wordpress.com/