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Post by LovelyJune on Jun 18, 2008 16:37:48 GMT -8
This is my last thread that i'll make for awhile as I will be flying off on vacation with my kids for about a month.
Ironically, or mysteriously i'll say, i bumped into G, my PoA. I've been waiting for this moment and it came today and it was lovely. Lovely in the sense that it was nice to see the man i had had a relationship with for 3 years (with whom i haven't seen in 4 months) and nice that there wasn't any feeling of hurt or pain or anger or lust or sorrow or longing or desperation. It was like i was with an old friend.
i won't get into any details about the day, as i find them to be quite inconsequential. i will only say that i don't consider seeing him or talking to him or even hanging out with him all day to be a slip or a relapse or anything else of the kind. Why? Because i am still in here, on fire for my recovery. I am still so happy I walked away 4 months ago and said, "enough." And i am completely INTACT. He can no longer take anything away any more. I can enjoy him for who he is and walk away...WHOLE.
And what of G? He was up to his old tricks, as usual. "aww, baby...i just haven't been the same without you..."
"you poor thing," i said, "you'll find someone soon." And then i turned the conversation to laughing about fun stuff like we used to talk about.
Anyway, I wanted to share this recovery story to let everyone know how wonderful TRUE, DEEp, inner peace and recovery feel when finally put to the test. All the suffering i did months ago has paid off. All the learning and struggling to stay true to myself won out. Hang in there people. Your moment to bloom is coming!
hugs, and see everyone when i get back!
T
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jun 18, 2008 17:05:25 GMT -8
We will all miss you. Bon Voyage! |
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Post by rosemay on Jun 19, 2008 3:27:55 GMT -8
Telmita:
You also have to remember that you are happily involved in another serious relationship already. It's a lot easier to get over the last guy when the next one is waiting in the wings. Those of us still struggling with loneliness and being single probably have a much harder time getting over the last guy and the thought of hanging out with him all day as a friend without getting our raw wounds salted feels pretty impossible. I couldn't do it, and it's been 10 months.
Congratulations on your victory in this realm! Have a great trip!
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Post by LovelyJune on Jun 19, 2008 5:18:10 GMT -8
i think that it's very important to "replace" all that obsessiveness and intensity you had with your PoA with something else HEALTHY-- not so much another man or woman you can obsess over, but rather, a life of one's own. I don't believe i would be so successful with this NEW relationship unless i had a life of my own. I'm not so sure i think that it was "easier" for me to walk away from G because i have a new relationship. When i sat there yesterday with G i could definitely feel the pull of gravity toward him. He's enticing. I was addicted! I could have made a different choice. I could have gone with him, like i did in the past (even when i was dating someone else at the time). But this time is different. I chose to go home and continue with my life, whatever that may be.
When i left G, please recall that i did so with no one else "waiting in the wings." i left him to be alone. Granted, i didn't have a lot of alone time. But i did nothing to seek out a new relationship at the time. i was content. The fact that i have someone now is inconsequential in my recovery. S does not control my recovery. I do. That's the joy in this experience. That whether i was alone or with someone it wouldn't matter. The change has come from within. I cannot deny that S is very supportive of my recovery, making it so much nicer. But the seeds of my Recovery were there long before the new one came into the picture.
If anything, what probably made it a little easier is that i am going to Europe today with my kids. Current bf is NOT coming with me. I'll be gone almost a month, alone with kids. Happy.
I think that's the crux of recovery. Planning a life without a significant other. Being able to enjoy yourself even if that means being alone.
T
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Post by winnie on Jun 19, 2008 12:24:17 GMT -8
hey telmita,
its great to hear it really is, maybe your new man isn't completely inconsequential to you being happy , but who knows . in the end realy only you know. your self assured manner tells me how far you have come in your recovery and i belive that you would be in the place that you are with or with out a new boyfriend- because lets face it the new relationship wouldn't work or be healthy if it was any other way. From your posts I can see where your at and its inspiring and full of courage.
and by the way if your here , welcome to europe...
winnie
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Post by Sexlessw on Jun 23, 2008 5:10:41 GMT -8
Telmita:
When you've returned from the trip, tell us how the exchange rate was (ha ha ha).
Anyway, I understand your post!
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Post by LovelyJune on Jun 30, 2008 7:21:54 GMT -8
Hey Everyone!!!
i am still in Spain, with loads of free time on my hands (staying with my in-laws from my ex hubby is enjoyable but a little boring). At any rate, since this is the place to be BRUTALLY honest with myself and expose a few intimate truths, I had to tell you all that i am possibly a hypocrite.
Since i have been here i have definitely been enjoying myself and yet, i am OBSESSED with hurt and pain that my new man "S" has not written to me enough. The reality is, out of everyone back home, he has written the most. But he missed a couple days and i feel completely NEEDY of his attention. Being at this distance from him has completely stripped me of my confidence. i cannot SEE how much he loves me and i feel as though i have NOTHING unless i receive emails or calls from him. The whole obsessive thinking is back. Of course, this has nothing to do with G. I can still say that G is out of the picture. HOWEVER...i believe i was wrong in saying that it would have been easy for me to move on from him with or without my new bf. I think, now that i am in Spain, that if i didn't have S, I would have started to think of G. This may not have been the case if i were home and had my own life. But i am almost sure it would have happened here.
The issue is...i am slipping!
Because i am completely isolated here in Europe and have no friends or healthy diversions, my brain is obsessing about my new love. All the wonderful confidence i have had for the past 5 months back home has disappeared, and i cannot break out of this.
If anyone has any suggestions/advice on how to get my Power and Self back, i'd apprecaite it. This is a yucky old feeling that i truly thought was gone.
PS. the exchange rate is HORRIBLE (two kids' plastic pokemon toys and a backpack cost me $80 US) But the sangria and calamaries are great!!!!
hugs to all,
T
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Post by winnie on Jun 30, 2008 8:22:57 GMT -8
hi telmita,
I know the feeling , when your set adrift on holiday and the usual busyness of life is absent its easy , so easy to slip into an obsessive world filling up the empty spaces holiday( vacation as you guys say) time can create.
first of all while you are so far away from him , doing YOUR thing , no matter what is happening obsessing isn't going to change ANYTHING . so stop.
Breathe telmita your ok.
Your more then ok, your on a much deserved holiday with your children looking after yourself. Your boyfriend WILL get in touch with you, remember your the one who is away , your the one doing her thing, your in control of yourself and how you feel.
you can break out of this.
I think your bored , i think your missing him and its boiling over into some old ways.
Its normal to miss someone. But Now is time for YOU. Stop imagining the worst, its not going to get you anywhere. If you cant belive he loves you well fake it it . Tell your self over , "this is my time to nurture myself and my children , where I am now IS where i am meant to be." or create something else healthy to say , i know oyu can do it.
Start to think about your holiday as some time to give yourself some more healing time. start journaling if you dont already. Maybe start drawing. I hope you have some good books to read!?
but most of all take your foot off the peddle. Where you are now is where you are meant to be. Your ARE strong enough to be away form him . Let him miss you and nurture yourself. Remember telmita , as you have said to me , its all about you , dont forget that. Im trying not too either.
Bordom is a killer , when we go on holiday we expect to love doing nothing and instaed it can really be quite dangerous.
sending best
winnie
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Post by Sexlessw on Jun 30, 2008 13:17:57 GMT -8
Winnie is so RIGHT - let's say it: IT's ABOUT YOU. Not about "G" or "S".
Geez - how about a quick reality check - in a good way of course. "S" is probably at work - right? If he doesn't work he can't eat. He needs to eat and support himself, & he can only do that if he is WORKING and taking care of himself.
Don't stress over what you can't change - if you're getting even one email/message/phone call every two days that's great IMO.
If you're in Spain, just remember to load up on the sunscreen - how's that thought? Sunscreen, fun with the kiddos and a walk around instead of "G" thoughts.
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Post by bluebird on Jun 30, 2008 16:49:36 GMT -8
we are granted a daily reprieve. each day we make a choice our way or god's will.
and you know that will is for you to be happy, joyous and free.
claim it with confidence.
new emotions
new ideas
new actions
Goodbye to Fear
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Post by beehappy on Jun 30, 2008 18:17:26 GMT -8
Hi Telmita,
Embrace this time and congratulate yourself. You noticed your thoughts and feelings. You are not just living through it and doing things as a result of those feelings.This is a part of recovery. Hey you are human. I understand that isolation is a killer. Being with your ex inlaws may have an affect on you subconsciously. You may feel like you are back where you were before. You soooooo aren't. Check out your posts here to everyone here. Go back and review how much you have grown. This is not a slip IMO. A slip would be going crazy to get S's attention, yelling, acting out, flying back early etc. This is a different type of growth. The challenge is, can you be by yourself and be the best friend ever to yourself?
Beehappy
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