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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Sept 16, 2011 7:14:07 GMT -8
Just know that there hasnt been a relationship with my father in many many many years....his only knowing about relationships is to use and abuse people.....he is all about himself...he is actually a hurt little boy inside...he is so very sad...to look at...and its hard to look at him...due to all the pain he put on me,,,,mom ...sister and brother...I can say that...at some point in my life..i felt he was there for me....i felt the unconditional love...not sure...when ...why but my soul remembers it....
This is Huge for me
I got a call from my father the other day....and he wanted me to come over his house ...he said he wanted to talk with me...and he wanted me to fix his answering machine.....IN other words he wanted to use and abuse me...This time i was prepared..No more abusing was allowed..
i tried to get a couple people to go with me...with no avail...i went to a al anon meeting right before going there...i did call a program person before and after i met with him...i am 200% exhausted...after meeting with him...
i pulled up to his house and i was very scared.....i started crying...i made a couple of calls....i wasnt sure i would even get out of the car...i felt scared and maybe going to have a panic attact....i eventually did get out of the car and go into his house....and i came in his house...i didnt hug him or kiss him...and neither did he....hug or kiss me...
i asked him what he wanted to talk about...he said since your mother passed away i want to have a father and daughter relationship....he talked about he was loney...sick ... ...i said what was the father and daughter relationship to him,,,,..he said...talk and get together...and then he proceeded to jump down my throat stating that he wants me to talk to him when i need to and not write him letters...
i wrote him letters my whole life...i express he cannot listen to me...the last time i tried to talk to him....he kept defending himself...or he kept interrupting me....i said next time i will bring the duck tape...and i also explained that when i say how i feel about certain situations..it doesnt mean i dont love him or i am trying to hurt him...i need to be listened to...just like now...i am not sure he understand anything ..but i think this was the first time...he has ever sat down...gave me some eye contact and listened....then he proceeded to tell me...he is sick and loney and i wasnt helping him..i told him all the things i did for him...such as few years ago...i took care of his dog at my house..i cleaned his apartment...i pd his bills with his checkbook...i did the trash and mail and that was alot...so he proceeded to say...my brother has been doing alot for him....and i said thats really good he needs to as well....oh boy could i have gone places with his comments...than he started talking about my sister in a negative way..and i said..i didnt want to talk here about her...and he continued to talk about her....i again said...does this have to do with me..he said no.....and i said...so therefore i dont want to hear about her...if u want to talk in a positive light then maybe i will listen....he again talked negatively about my sister and i said...you are not respecting what i asked u...and he said okay...and stopped and then started talking about my mother....Keep in mind my mother just passed away Aug 3rd of this year...i told him i didnt want to talk about her either....that i was trying to deal with her passing...he continued...and i told him...again...i dont want to talk about mom....he said well who else am i going to talk about her too....and i said...look .....this is your stuff i have my own stuff...talk to a counselor or someone else...i am not the person for u to talk with about things like this....and he said...stop talking like a psychiatrist....talk like u use to....i said..i will be graduating in 2013 as a license professional counselor...and this is how i talk and this is how i take care of myself...
In other words he was telling me to shut up and take all his abuse....At one point i was going to get up and leave....but i conforted myself....and i was okay...actually now that i am typing this....alot of al anon people were calling me and texting me...as i was talking with my father....after a little bit when i knew he really didnt want to make amends...and just wanted to bring up the past....and nuts....i changed the subject...and then i fixed his answering machine and gave him a brief hug and said goodbye....this was 52 years big for me....and i was too exhausted...i called an al anon friend we met at the park and talked about this situation...and we hugged...and i left to go home...and forget about my long list of things to do...because i was exhausted emotionally,,,physically and mentally....and there was no way i could do anything else other then go home..put on my pj's and lay in bed all night....and catch up on homework...
Just sitting here and knowing...how much and how far i have come....really makes me feel so proud of myself....my inner child was feeling the fear...of getting out of my car and facing and dealing with him...he isnt easy and never was...but this time....i protected me and my little girl....and i feel empowered...and awesome.....wow....this is so good....
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Post by Loving My Life on Sept 16, 2011 8:06:59 GMT -8
WOW, Sun...im so proud of you, and the positive actions and how positive recovery and our HP works in our life. You stood up for yourself, and did not take any of his baggage, good for you. This is a huge turning point in your relationship with your father. He can be your father at a distance, and he has to deal with the wreckage of his past. Virtual hugs to you... ;-)
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 16, 2011 14:15:57 GMT -8
You must be so proud. That's a hard meeting to have.  And I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. |
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Sept 16, 2011 15:10:43 GMT -8
Yeah, you did really well sunflwrs. I like that you continued to state your boundaries with him even when he was ignoring what you had asked for, that he stop talking about certain people with you, your sister and your mum. It sounds like he was looking for some counselling of his own and you are so right to know that it's not your place to have to listen to that if you don't want to. Great you could suggest he get it somewhere else.
I heard something Byron Katie said to a woman who had made amends with her mother. The woman said her mum was annoyed that after her daughter made the (written) amends the daughter hadn't changed how she acted towards the mum or what she did. The mum was complaining to the daughter about it. The woman didn't know what to do about it, it seemed that making the amends had made the situation worse. BK suggested she could say to her mum "Mum, I'm sorry but I can't be the friend you want me to be right now, and I'm working on it".
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Sept 16, 2011 19:58:43 GMT -8
thanks Carolyn,,,,,i really appreciate your feedback....do u really believe that he has any idea what his wreckage has been...i really dont think he does in the least.......and i am being totally honest....
thanks LJ.....I am very proud of me and my little sun....we did awesome...i also realized earlier tonight that some program friends were texting me and calling my phone...and that also gave me support....omg that was hugggeeee for me....i know that i can now face anything....he was a challenge....and i still feel totally drained.....
thank u Jacarandagirl..so much....i did do really great with the boundaries...yes i didnt realize about the counseling piece that u added to it....interesting...i love what u said....i will write it down....Dad i am sorry but i cannot be your friend that u want me to be right now....and i am working on it...awesome...thanks so much everyone....i cant believe i feel this drained.........
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Post by Loving My Life on Sept 17, 2011 2:52:34 GMT -8
Sun, i do believe if someone has any kind of feelings or a heart, they know the wreckage they have caused, the reason you feel so drained is probably b/c you have been carrying this burden for so long, and now your not carrying it anymore...it is your time now to relax, you did a great job...i love your story. thanks for sharing...progress not perfection. ;-)
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Sept 17, 2011 4:50:47 GMT -8
Carolyn....you are so right about me carrying the burden forever....i understand why i kept wanting the caffiene...its almost been a month since i stop it in the afternoon....and i am doing the best i can....if i get tired i rest....yes it is long over due to relax...its funny cause i actually know this and believe this...and i am ok with it...thanks so much for your great feedback....I spoke with my sponsor yesterday to tell her about this....and she made some suggestions to me...that i could not do...but another suggestion i could do...its too early i really cant remember the words yet...i am doing with before my breakfast...hahah....i told her from my initutive knowing that my father has been so damaged....that has no feelings ....he is in denial big time....and i know in my God knowing place inside and outside of me...that he only wants to use and abuse me....and its not happening.....ever again....i will have to put into words and explain to him when necessary...that i do this for this reason for him...and not for any other....thanks for being here...it means everything to me.....L)
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Post by Loving My Life on Sept 17, 2011 5:26:50 GMT -8
Sun, your welcome and thank you for being here also. Like I have heard so much in the last few years...being in pain and allowing people to abuse us emotional or physically for so long, that feels normal to us, so when we start to take care of ourselves and set our boundaries, and we get some peace and serenity that feel foreign to us, b/c we have never had it. But the longer im in recovery peace and serenity is the new normal. Good job....go at your own pace, and your HP will lead you. ;-)
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Sept 17, 2011 8:54:04 GMT -8
thanks again Carolyn....this really feels so good....i wish everyone could feel this....but i know when the student is ready the teacher appears.....i am so ready....omg...this feels so awesome...
u know what i did earlier this morning....i was thinking about my mother and i was crying and trying to get it out and having a hard time..i called someone from al anon and we talked and shared and i told her what i wanted to do....and here is what i did...
I went into my little bedroom I lit my God candle to bring him into the room with me...and i had on my meditation tapes on downstairs real loud...and then i started playing with this little girls stroller and i had some frosty the snowman dolls in it and it got an angel that belonged to my mother....i went into two bags of my mom's make up and...i was playing with my dolls and my mother and she was letting me put on her make up and she was watching me...and playing with me....i even felt her ...i went back as far as a baby...and sitting on her lap...i felt sweaty and alittle nausea....but i didnt die...and i sat with it...and i talked to her....i ask if u are here with me please show me a sign....and i looked around the room.....and nothing and all of a sudden i have these wind chimes hanging just alittle bit away from...and they started moving...first the moon and star one was moving so slowly...and i kept staring at it...and then the other one...they were just like clear bell shaped chimes...they didnt touched ...they just moved.....first the moon and then stars....and then the bells....i was amazed...i felt awesome and at peace...and i had fun...me and my little inner child....
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Sept 17, 2011 13:38:38 GMT -8
Good work
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Sept 18, 2011 5:58:38 GMT -8
thanks.........i have been having so many many huge moments....i think that since i gave up the 16 ounce wawa in the afternoon....its making me feel more in touch with me and my inner child....caffiene is really a mood altering drug....omg...i feel awesome....i do realize that ...my hp & program also gets me where i need to be....since i stopped with the coffee in the afternoon....its me unbelievably....huge changes in my life.......thanks to eveyone and their sharings on here too...
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Oct 5, 2011 20:36:59 GMT -8
i also had another awesome moment.....this time with my older sister....she is an active drug addict...and for most of my life she has been an active addict..we are only 16 months apart...we were close for the most part of our lives....until her drugs of choice was more important than her sister...and really more important than anything in her life....lately i am feeling alot of resentment towards her.....before my mother passed away on august 3rd 2011...my mom would tell me alot of nuts my sister would say and do and it was really hurting my mom....at one point...my mother and i shared that together....my sister an active addict and my oldest son an active addict...of course i would talk program to my mom...but she was an enabler and i was a more of a tough love kinda woman.......at one point i told my mom that...when my son gets disrespectful...i tell him...i brought him in this world and i can take him out in a heart beat as well...she laughed so hard....i never told my sister all the things my mom told me ....that she said....i probably will never tell her....
The past few days...my sister is trying her hardest to manipulate me into letting her move into my home....i lived with my sis for 19 yrs....i would never do it again...she is 54 yrs old....when will she grow up....anyway...she has been hinting around to it....to live with me...right now she is living with girlfriend for about over 14 yrs...and their relationship is pretty much over...my sister doesnt work....doesnt have an income.....she is pretty much a user and abuser....so she is now continuing to text me to get me to say yes to her.....she asks me....if i thought it would work out if we lived together...and i said no....i dont think so....and she said...i knew it....and yadda yadda yadda...trying to put a guilt trip on me....which the first time in my life ..i am guilt free...anyway....i text her...at this point in my life...i couldnt live with anyone....this way she wouldnt take it so personally....but she kept coming back...harder and harder and beating around the bush...i felt like i snapped.....my sponsor didnt answer the phone...so i thought for a while and i texted her and said....that i had already answered her questions about moving in with me...and i will not repeat myself...and further more i am not a door mat and if she spoke to me like that again..in a text or on phone..i would not take her calls....and i said that i would support her on what she decided to do....and that i couldnt do it for her....and she backed off big time....I felt aweseome to finally Say what i mean....Mean what i say....And dont say it mean....omg....what freedom that was.....I honesty understand her and what she is going thru somewhat...and i love her and i dont want her to hurt...but i am now just giving her program words....and i am detaching with love.....i am not texting her first...i let her come to me....now she is asking me questions.....and she is dropping the pity party....she says she is crying all the time...and she cant cope anymore....she wants me to do it for her and i cant this is her journey and i have my own journey....what really makes me very sad is....my father abused her the most....physically...mentally,,,and emotionally....she was just like my dad....and she have alot of behavior issues...and she was always in trouble....i learned thru her beatings and abuse...to be quiet and do what i was told....she has asked me to sponsor her and she makes up excuses as to why she is not calling her sponsor...i cant give in to her....i told her no i couldnt sponsor her...and i told her because i wasnt in her 12 step program....My sister is really really hurting....and i dont think she is even sharing in the meetings....and now she says she doesnt like her sponspor...she has been going to meetings for about 110 days....not sure how clean she is....she says she is scared all the time....and she has lots of racing thoughts morning noon and night....she doesnt listen....and she is stubborn...and her self will is very very strong....she doesnt have anyone in her life....she was telling my mom everything....i cant and wont get in her business like that...and when she tries...i tell her to make calls and call her sponsor....this isnt easy for me....i have always felt she was there for me....
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Post by Loving My Life on Oct 6, 2011 3:08:32 GMT -8
Sun, im sorry you are going thru this with your sister, i know it has to be tough, but you have to take care of your recovery first. I know here where i live there are alot of resources if she is homeless, she can call a womens shelter and they can help her to get back on her feet, and also assist her with a place to live. But it is not responsibility. I heard this on a tv program the other day, we can only help those who help themselves. Live n Let Live. Hugs to You.
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Oct 6, 2011 3:14:04 GMT -8
Car...thanks for your sharing....Yes i agree ...its not my responsibility....and she is really struggling with helping herself....I have to turn it over to my hp and it will turn out....she is definitely a hard head....i know exactly what she is thinking and feeling....when we are in our active addiction we just hate ourselves....i hope and pray that she has her aha moment.....please everyone keep her in your prayers her name is Joyce...thanks so much... |
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Post by runrunrun on Oct 29, 2011 3:50:28 GMT -8
SUnflwrs, youre a lot stronger than I am. My parents are a huge challenge. Thats why I basically just removed them from my life. Which was easy to do since I live on the other side of the country.
Keep up the good work.
RRR
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Oct 29, 2011 9:14:51 GMT -8
wow i forgot i wrote this.....rrr ...we are all stronger than we think we are....we just need other people to bring it out of us sometimes.... I took my grandbabies to the doctors on thursday.....and as i was waiting for them to get done..i called my dad to see if he got the message about my uncles unveiling....and he said he did...as we talked i thought...okay we cant take the kids swimming....because they have ear infections...so dad will u be home...i want to bring over your great grand babies...you never met them before..he said ok ...we went...and it was so strange...he watched tv and said ...wow u lost alot of weight.....and your hair looks good....what is that bump on your face....i said i got it from him...its on his too...he said why dont u get it removed....i wished i would of said...what ....accept me for me...and dont worry about what i have on my face....the nerve of him....i have a program...thank u God....he always did that about my weight...and my size...i detached with love....So yes rrr...i know what u mean ....i dont have a relationship with him...because he is toooooooooo toxic for me....what i have to remember when it comes to anyone especially my family is....when they open their mouth...its all about them...even though they push it on me....its still all about them...and i dont take it personally.... I miss my mom and wished i could of hugged her longer and told her how beautiful she was inside and outside...she was a pure addict.....she was a codependent....a love addict....a restrictor with her food....i love her...and i miss her wisdom...Sun |
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Post by floatingboat on Nov 11, 2011 7:12:47 GMT -8
sunflwrs4evr, I have had a bad relationship with my father too but I have never been scared of him like you were. I just gave up on this father daughter relationship a long time ago, when I attended high school. Nowadays I talk to him in a disrespectful way. Sometimes I ignore what he says sometimes I say sarcastic things when I sense that he is about to say something to hurt me. This is very sad. I believe that I loved him when I was a young girl but he did some things that hurt me so badly. Till today he would still say or do things once in a while that makes me feel like a tool to realize his dreams and to support my brother.
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Nov 11, 2011 7:20:20 GMT -8
Hi floatingboat...yes its all about acceptance...once i accepted the truth and not his lies anymore...i was in the healing phase of my recovery....I want to believe that I will stand up for myself ..if he ever gets the opportunity to say something critical of me......i also know that when someone is being critical of someone else...its all their stuff....and it has nothing to even do with the person they are saying it too.....but sometimes..i forget that....but its the truth...and once we learn that....it doesnt hurt anymore....My father has been hurting himself his whole entire life....and that is what hurt people do...they hurt people.....and i do my best to stay clear....Sun |
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And I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. 
