Woof
Junior Member
Posts: 56
|
Post by Woof on Apr 21, 2010 5:53:44 GMT -8
Origen of Triangles
Why does a person start a triangle? How is this decision made?
My inner child work revealed a preference for having two woman. It took just a few minutes for my guide Susan Peabody to uncover the mystery.
We began by walking down a long hallway and then opened a door. Suddenly I was 4 years old and back in West Germany. I saw myself standing in a doorway and asked my young self to come to me as an adult. I was so glad he did. He knew who I was and luckily my inner child recognized and trusted me. I felt his inner struggles: shame and sadness but also just as quickly found his sources of inspiration and joy. He loved kites and that explained my later becoming a pilot. But his happiest memory was being cared for by two teenage girls. His elation was about them babysitting him and putting him to sleep between them. It was a nurturing, happy moment he would replay countless times. Later in life this would play out as always feeling more secure by having two women instead of just one. It would just feel like the right thing to do. Susan explains this in her book Addiction to Love:
" some love addicts unconsciously try to resolve the wound of their childhood by recreating the triangle of their childhood—over and over again. They are obsessed with the idea that things will end differently each time. Unfortunately, this is not how you heal the wounds of childhood. You don’t go back to the scene of the crime and commit the crime all over again. You go back to the scene of the crime in therapy with an enlightened witness to guide you. You go back to grieve, forgive, let go and move on."
Next, my skilled and intuitive guide did something so daring I am still astounded by it. She had me visualize the two young teen babysitters and replaced their image with my current love. It was as if she repainted the canvas of my memory. It was so overwhelming to let go of the two, for the new image, that I wept for a few moments. And then as the new love image took root, I felt such relief and a gladness that everything was ok again.
I am so amazed by this form of treatment; soul surgery. It is one of the high points of my recovery journey. Woof
|
|
|
|
Post by primrose on Apr 21, 2010 6:42:35 GMT -8
Thanks for that Woof, very interesting. I didn't ever think I wanted a triangle, it was very unconscious for me as I was still bonded to my father for many years. But I began to understand that I did when I read about Alice Keppel (mistress of Edward VII of England) she was the only historical person I ever identified with. She was married and became the king's mistress but carried on her apparently happy marriage. The king funded her business assets and made her very wealthy. She was smart, she never loved the king. And actually, I really identified with her emotionally, she made sense to me. Would like to pin point when I developed that dream of being a daughter-mistress, I know it's from my father, but I don't know precisely when it began. P.
|
|
|
|
Post by mickey on Jan 23, 2012 12:42:55 GMT -8
how do people stop thinking about the ex, wanting them to contact but knowing full well that it would be difficult to hear from them. have been in NC for the past three weeks and have improved but still think about her. any suggestions? was involved in a love triangle with this woman 2x. once i was the person that had another person, and now she has had one. not sure how to stop thinking about the situation if i made the right decision going NC
|
|
|
|
Post by Loveanimals on Sept 20, 2013 19:28:12 GMT -8
I know many married men and men with girlfriends have approached me saying "look I'm in a similar situation where I am no longer attracted to my spouse/gf"
and I would turn them down and only date single men.
Yet why would a single man hang out in the corridor for sstuffs from a married woman who has very little time for him? Who has to work out crazy hours on top of a full time job and child care in order to attract him in the first place??? They never do, they always reject and bail.
I realize the solution is for people to focus on their relationship and leave. Many will stay for the sake of the children, home owned, etc. and tell themselves it's best to be involved with someone else so then it's a not a triangle but a square with 4 people?!!!
Does anyone have any thoughts on that?
|
|
|
|
Post by anonyb on May 19, 2014 21:36:21 GMT -8
Twenty one years ago, as a 17 year old, I was kicked out of the house because I had pre-marital sex - The guy turned out to be into open relationships, and becauase I no longer had a family, I put up with it - eventually winning him over to monogamy I thought - only to be encouraged to start sleeping with other women who we would "share." The relationship cost me a museum show, a bankruptcy, and a psychiatric hospitalization as I went off of Paxil cold turkey because of leaving school and my health insurance, which I thought would make him happy. This guy had me brainwashed that monogamy was only for "unenlightened" beings - and when I left him for another man, a former close friend, who had tried to seduce me, moved in to my old house. The new relationship was codependent - I ended up paying for the rent because he drank too much to hold a job - quit the last one to be "closer" to me. THAT relationship ended with battery. Only briefly, when I was in a DV shelter and transitional housing, did I become "celibate" and stay out of relationships. But all good things must come to an end, and my grad school adviser sent me emails about "group sex" and made an inappropriate emotional relationship which made me panic, and I used another guy to get out of school and move across country - 10 years later, and I just lost a job a year ago so I could drain my life savings because HE couldn't hold up his half of expenses. At first it was fun - 5 hour sex sessions - but now it is mind numbingly painful every moment of my life and I am totally isolated, never having had a driver's license, rent is late, I'm scared, and scared to go home to my parents, too. Thinking about going into another DV shelter because he is so controlling (though never battered me) and I just wish I could start to like myself and that I had a chance to make something of myself.
Pardon me I know this is just about my experience, not really a response, but I couldn't start a new thread.
|
|
|
|
Post by SandyLove on Sept 9, 2014 17:19:12 GMT -8
PERPLEXING TRIANGLES
First of all, I am not currently in a triangle, I am in recovery.
I am at a point where I am noticing trends and trying to figure this all out.
I read the first chapter of the SLAA big book today, and frankly did not relate to hardly any of it. I am not a sex addict as the protagonist of that book is. Who I did relate to is the character "Sarah" she is the one who the protaganist cheats on his wife for, seems to be the ultimate solution sexual and otherwise for him, leaves his wife for, and then leaves her as soon as he has actually left his wife in reality. This scenario has happened to me in at least 2 occassions in my life, exactly like this. In both cases of my life, I think the individuals were actually sex addicts though I did not focus on it at the time.
Why is this happening to me? I consider myself an otherwise upstanding and moral person. Why did I do it? I did it for what I called, "love" and this "love" made me live in denial and other problems.
My family situation is kind of bizarre and I am not even talking about the distant past. About 8 years ago, my sister just "decided" she did not like me anymore and she would not be in any family home along with me (or my children by extension). This destroyed our "family." There were no more family holidays. I was not allowed even in my own room, my own home, if she were there. Even just today, I asked my father if we could come for thanksgiving, and he said no my sister was coming so we could not come. He does not care that me any my children (i am a single parent) have no where to go for thanksgiving, only that my sister and her family share this holiday with them. My parents are in their 80s and they refuse to share any information about their will with me, though I assume my sister is the executor of their will.
Will all this awareness that come with recovery, I realize, this relationship with my family, my father (my mother is just too mean overall to even talk too) is dysfunctional and perhaps has something to do with why I end up in triangles. Perhaps I should politely and respectfully end my communication with my father/family. It is a disrespectful relationship, even borderline abusive. As my father got older, I decided to start calling him every day, just to be nice. We never had any history of a communicative relationship before. But the truth is, he is not interested in talking to me, or communicating with me. I think he just does not care.
any thoughts here welcome.
|
|
|
|
Post by CodepNomore on Sept 11, 2014 2:25:04 GMT -8
SandyLove, that is horrible . I am sorry that you have experienced such abuse from your own family. But don't you worry your Creator loves you and sees everything. He would take up the cause of the oppressed. Things can still be turned around and an old pattern be changed. So you can choose to be in a healthy monogamous relationship. It is never too late to correct this.
|
|
|
|
Post by rosebud73 on Jan 4, 2018 15:38:48 GMT -8
In my family- my Mom started an affair with my Dad while he was married. My older sister also had an affair with a married man. I'm curious WHY I've also gone down this path....One man was secretly married...I didn't know and became pregnant.
My current PoA is living with someone, which is almost the same dynamic in my view. I became involved - felt guilty- tried to end it maybe 7 times unsucessfully and am now feeling I'm in love. It....completely.....sucks....
I have had to make a list of action steps that will prove he actually IS that fantasy man (besides the many hooks of things we have in common or are very important to me) There is also a 30% he is a sociopath and simply mirroring me.
If I think in terms of a spiritual test...it makes more sense in an Abraham/Isaac way. I need to lay this down before my HP and let him give me this man or the true desires of my heart..which is a man LIKE him who is single...
But affairs are HIGHLY HIGHLY ADDICTIVE. They never end well. I feel better to walk away and hold the pain of NC around myself with pride. (Even though I still care/love him and fantasize he'll leave the gf and end up with me in a few months)
|
|
|
|
Post by Lj - She/Her on Sept 7, 2021 9:46:23 GMT -8
i don't understand triangles. Seems like twice the stress! I am reading about it because my love addiction was modeled by my parents, and I recall my dad having affairs and the pain it caused in my childhood. My grandmother was left to care for me during these times. . so the triangle FOR ME goes way back to childhood. I had "two mothers" the sick addicted one. . and the stable loving one. . my grandmother. . .who had a "healthy" marriage and stepped into the primary mothering role because my mom was too impaired from her love addiction. (This was my father's mother, not her mom. I am thankful to have had her!! )
I forgive my birth mom for the revolving door of men who came and went, because I understand it was her way of trying to find a rescue. She didn't have job skills to support her kids, and her desperation to find another men actually in a weird way stemmed from her love for us, and wanting us to have a "normal" life. She had good intentions. The fact is though, there were no domestic violence agencies, hotlines, support groups or other options back then for women to escape abusive situations and heal themselves.
We are all fortunate to have resources like this message board today. But in the 60s. . .. the gay man who was my father had to find a woman to "hide" who he really was to his parents otherwise they would have abandoned him. He did what he felt he needed to do. He picked the "perfect" woman to lead his double life and raise his children -my mom was studying to become a catholic nun, convinced no man would ever want her because he had been molested by her father. These are the circumstances into which I was born. I was literally born into a triangle.
|
|
|
|
Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 7, 2021 10:46:37 GMT -8
|
|
