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Post by Sexlessw on Jun 11, 2008 6:12:37 GMT -8
www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/breaking-up-and-moving-on-by-cutting-contact-part-1/The No Contact Rule is a delicate balancing act between taking back control, booting someone out of your life (even if they don’t know it) and not going crazy. You apply the No Contact Rule (NCR) when you are in a relationship that just won’t die a death even though it’s dead as a dodo, when a guy likes to boomerang in and out of your life whenever it suits, and especially when you keep flogging a dead horse and chasing the guy around even though he is mistreating you. The No Contact Rule is about closure and closing a door even when you don’t get to have a ‘conversation’ or a big break up moment, and this is what most women struggle with. You LOVE to have the conversation and you NEED to have the break up moment because you think it’s what you need for closure and you like wondering “What if?” What if I play doormat a little bit more? Maybe he’ll finally see how great I am? What if I expect nothing at all from him? Maybe he won’t feel so pressured. What if I finish it with him and he then becomes The Ideal Man for the next woman? I’m going to say something that some of you will not want to hear. With men that don’t know their arses from their elbow, blow hot and cold, and won’t commit to either being with you or not being with, you have got to toughen up. ‘Conversations’ with a man that you’ve been going nowhere with, who has been using you, sleeping with you when it suits, disappearing, coming back, making promises, breaking promises, whatever, don’t make a blind bit of difference. They just give you a reason to look for that one little eeeny weeny nugget of something to make you stay invested and give him a chance, just so that he can turn around and do the same thing all over again! Ladies, wise up, toughen up, smell the coffee, and take control because you can’t control him and the way this dead end relationship is going but you can control how YOU are affected by being with him and you can get closure without him being the one to close the door. Why the hell do we need these men to close the door for closure? WE can close the door and d**n well slam it shut when they try to push it back open. And that is the barometer of how successful the NCR is – When they attempt to open the door, there must be no response. The door must be closed, not slightly ajar to hear whatever rinky, dinky, BS excuse he has. So what does the NCR involve? No calling, emailing, faxing, message in a bottle, texting, communication by osmosis, Morse code, or anything. No contact means no contact. It is that simple. Sit on your hands, tape your dialing fingers together, reward yourself for getting to milestones but do not contact him. Do not allow any of the following things to break the NCR: You’re hormonal. You’re horny. You’re drunk. You’re lonely. You’re nostalgic. You’re weak. You have an emergency. You’re out of another break up with someone else and seeking comfort. If you react to any of these booby traps, you will not only end up regretting it, but you will have to start the whole process all over again, whilst he sits there thinking “ah, so she does still want me. Mmm, yeah I still don’t wanna be with her though…’. No contacting him via your friends. Instruct all that know you both not to come to you with any information about him, unless he has ‘the clap’ or some other such STD that affects your health. You need to move on and forget about him, not be hearing out of context information where people make more out of something than actually exists. No sex. No quick fumbles, slippery snogs, one last shag for old times sake, or any bodily contact. Ever. Get rid of his contact details. I’ll let you keep his number for three months and that is only so that you know it is him if he decides to call and you’ll know not to answer. Otherwise wipe out all information you have on him because no contact means you are breaking up and closing the door on that chapter in your life. Challenge yourself not to think about him. Day one, each time you think of him, mark it down on a sheet of paper in your diary or something. Total it up and the next day, aim to do less. Or if you’re really hung up it might be better to do it by week. Target yourself to reduce it down each day/week. The trick is that if you are focusing on you and feeling in a better place emotionally, you won’t be thinking about this joke of a man.
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Post by Sexlessw on Jun 11, 2008 6:13:32 GMT -8
Part II: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/breaking-up-and-moving-on-by-cutting-contact-part-2/The No Contact Rule means that you have to go cold turkey but you put yourself in the driving seat, create your own closure, and you start to control the relationship that you have perceived as uncontrollable. It is an exit strategy and trust me, you will use the No Contact Rule if you truly want to exit a poor relationship and want to get back your sense of self. In Part 1, I explained what the No Contact Rule is, why we avoid it, and some tips to get you started and in this post I am giving some guidance on when to apply the rule. How do you know if you need to apply the No Contact Rule? No contact is a pretty harsh way to cut things off but it’s increasingly needed because of the type of dating habits that both men and women are adopting. As women, we seem to love being with men that are disconnected and unavailable for relationship duty, and who can’t commit to being with us…and can’t commit to not being with us. If you are experiencing any of the following, you need the No Contact Rule (NCR) for your sanity, nevermind anything else: You have no endings. You have a number of ‘ex’ boyfriends that call you up to get nostalgic, get the lowdown on whether you’ve moved on, and also to get busy with you. As a result, you’re not technically finished with a lot of the men in your past. Can’t break, won’t break. When a man keeps popping back up in your life, despite having nothing more to offer than when you dumped him (or he exited) and despite your insistence to stay away, he does anything but. You won’t let go. You’re one of those women that hopes too much. You haven’t cut the contact because you think he’s going to turn from a cockroach, into a frog, and then eventually into a prince. You think you’re chasing and holding out for a man that’s playing hard to get, when in actual fact, he’s not trying to be caught… When they pull The Friend Card. Many men lack the balls to live with the feeling of knowing that they’ve behaved badly, so they throw you The Friend Card so that they feel like less of a sh*t than they really are. It is a gateway into your life and if you haven’t gotten over him and broken the emotional tie, it sets you back and prevents you from getting over him and moving on. You have exchanged the ‘girlfriend’ role for the booty call one. Never take a demotion in the hope that it will enable you to get a promotion! He blows hot and cold. Blowing hot and cold is Mr Unavailable’s (emotionally unavailable guys) way of controlling the relationship, keeping you at a distance, and keeping you in check, but when he blows hot, it’s not because he wants you, it’s just because he’s balancing things out so that he can keep you on ice for a bit longer. You have a low self-esteem, bad dating and relationship habits, and are struggling to let go of old feelings. Don’t use the No Contact Rule to: Break off a relationship for the first time. Do the decent thing woman! Unless the man is downright crazy or abusive, the first time you guys finish, a bit of an explanation wouldn’t go astray! End your marriage. The NCR is not for marriages. Not only do you need to stay in touch for your divorce, but it’s a pretty nasty way to end a relationship with someone you were prepared to legally bind yourself to! Playing games. Ladies, ladies, LADIES! Stop playing games because it will backfire, you will bite off more than you can chew, and you will falsely impact on the relationship. Pulling the NCR to test if he’s interested is childish, plus, if he is emotionally unavailable, he will blow hot…and then blow cold when he’s comfy putting you right back to square one. Is the No Contact Rule permanent? It is as permanent as you want it to be, but the golden rule is that you can only restart or accept contact when you are completely over him and have moved on. I suggest making it permanent for men that add little value to your life. There is no point in keeping contact for ego’s sake, as it will be mostly his ego that gets massaged. At the bare minimum, the no contact rule should be enforced for two to three months. For men that tend to disappear and then reappear when it suits, take the longest period of time that they’ve ever disappeared for and add a month. Think of it like giving up smoking - It’ll hurt in the short-term and you’ll be tempted to light up a few times in the first few weeks, but after a while, you feel better than you expected and time is disappearing. Move on ladies and learn to let go! If you had to do the NCR in the first place, it’s in recognition of the fact that he didn’t treat you well, he didn’t respect your previous wishes to leave you alone to get on with your life, and he didn’t respect your wishes when you said “I’ll call you, don’t call me”. Now why would you want to be friends with someone who can’t follow basic instructions but still expected to slip back into your life when it suited, and hope that you’d break him off a piece? |
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Post by Sexlessw on Jun 11, 2008 6:15:20 GMT -8
Part III - I apologize for the Femo-centric tone of this article, but NC seems to be a really hard concept for women. Not all women - there are some men who have the same issue too. www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/breaking-up-and-moving-on-by-cutting-contact-part-3/I won’t lie to you ladies; initiating and maintaining the No Contact Rule is hard. You need to be strong to support your willpower and be prepared to suffer the short-term pain for the medium and long-term gain. The No Contact Rule (NCR) is about putting yourself first and you need to do it because you’ve allowed his needs and inability to give you what you need and want to be placed at the centre of your universe. Do not bother with the NCR if you are hoping to get back together with him because you are clearly not ready to cut the contact and make a run for it. So how do you ensure that you ‘break’ and move on? Set yourself a challenge. I have practically had to sit on my hands in the past to get to the end of the first week, but once I did it, it became a challenge to get to the end of week two and so forth. I rewarded myself along the way and when I got to three months, my shoe cupboard had a new arrival…. Ashley suggests “I handled my NCR recently by going a minimum of 60 days of “no contact” and I kept a log/journal that also incorporated some goal setting too. What that did for me was help me focus on things other than not being in contact with my ex and it also helped me express the emotions I was feeling about it. It was interesting to be able to look back and see my progress into a stronger person that felt better about myself (and indifferent about him).” Put on your favourite feel good, independent woman song, turn the music up loud, and verbally vent out your frustration. Sounds crazy but it’s great for releasing pent up emotions and you start to get a sense of humour about the whole thing. Oh and your neighbours can’t hear you talking to yourself. If you’re crazy like me, you’ll do a little dance too. ‘Since You’ve Been Gone’ by Kelly Clarkson is a great one but I’ve done it to ‘Proud Mary’ by Tina Turner too! Write ‘Don’t call {insert name}’ on a Post-It and stick it to your phone, mirror, and anywhere else that helps you visualise. Or write it in lipstick on your mirror. I know of people who literally littered their homes with messages and it works. Some people need reminders of the ‘Big Whoppers’ – the horrible things that he did. Type up the short form of each offence and print it out in a decent sized font. For eg. ‘Stood me up six times’;’He has never delivered on any of his promises’;’He’s a selfish, inconsiderate, stuff lover’ or for those of us with a killer vengeance ‘His d*ck wasn’t that big anyway!’ Then stick it up somewhere that you can see them. Or create a screen saver…. NY Sharon suggests “On a small card, write a brief snapshot list of memory triggers for you on the worse things he did or a mind imprint of something hurtful he said. These should be the ones that evoke the most terrible emotions from you. Keep this list in your purse and copies in other places for easy access.” Clear out everything that is associated with him. It might not be much, especially if he is the atypical type of Mr Unavailable, but put away the photos, give away his stuff to charity, or just plain old put it in the bin. If you are going to return it, do it at the beginning of the NC period and ideally do it by post or just leave it on his doorstep in a box. Take a break from dating. Dating Hiatuses enable you to reconnect with yourself but they also prevent you from kneejerking into another dubious relationship, they give you time to heal, and most importantly, when things go wrong, you don’t get nostalgic for the guy you are having NC with and end up calling him, or at worst shagging him. Be careful with alcohol. If you’re the type that calls up your exes when you’ve had a few vinos, it’s probably best to cut back until you have gotten over the urge. Block him on instant messenger services, block his email, and as one reader suggested, change his name on your phone to “Assclown”. Whatever you call him, don’t answer and as another reader suggested, “If he catches you on the phone or at work…say you’re too busy to talk, I have nothing to say and hang up.” Eventually you will need to bite the bullet and delete his number. Screen calls that you don’t recognise the number of or that come up unlisted. Do tell close friends and family that you no longer bother with him so that they won’t bring him up unnecessarily. NYSharon also suggests getting a sponsor, which can be that one person that you can rely on to sanity check things, who you can call up or meet up with when you feel weak. Use the time to reconnect with other aspects of your life – friends, family, hobbies, work. When we are messed around by men, something always gets sidelined so use the opportunity to get things back on track. Write a letter to him…but don’t post it. Don’t type, write. This is the opportunity to write a Dear John letter explaining why you are doing the NCR and how you feel as a result of being with him. End the letter positively by saying what you can be and do for yourself now that he is out of your life. This letter is your opportunity for closure but you can also keep it as a reminder of how he has made you feel. If it helps, list everything he has done to hurt and disappoint you. Read it back to yourself a few times. When the time is right, burn the letter. This is the opportunity to cleanse yourself of negative feelings about him…or at least begin the process. But most importantly, no matter how much he begs, no matter how much he pleads, never feed him after midnight. Just joking! But no matter what, cut the contact. The No Contact Rule is not about finding out what someone will do when they lose their narcissistic fill of attention and panic. It shouldn’t matter what he says or does because you want him out of your life, regardless. He has nothing to offer you and you have so much more to offer to yourself. The litmus test of the No Contact Rule is that over time you realise that you feel so much better without him in your life. Good luck ladies and believe in yourselves! |
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Post by triggered on Feb 5, 2009 21:37:20 GMT -8
I think this article is a must read for anyone on this site, it really gave me the boost I needed tonight. Thanks Susan for posting it.
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Post by dawnbelieves on Feb 7, 2009 16:46:04 GMT -8
Great article. It really made me think about alot of things. It also kinda made me say "Duh" to myself a couple of times.
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Post by estrela5 on Feb 14, 2009 17:23:18 GMT -8
Amazing article!!! im saving this one:!!
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Post by Susan Peabody on Feb 17, 2009 12:39:36 GMT -8
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102754
Junior Member
Posts: 55
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Post by 102754 on Mar 1, 2009 12:26:26 GMT -8
This thread is very helpful used the a tip and changed the phone name of POA to "Old A**hole Passive Aggressive B!tch" which is *very* useful in maintaining NC: stark reality with a wry laugh.
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laurie13
Junior Member
"Be good to yourself, cause nobody else has the power to make you happy."
Posts: 61
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Post by laurie13 on Mar 30, 2009 1:15:10 GMT -8
"‘Conversations’ with a man that you’ve been going nowhere with, who has been using you, sleeping with you when it suits, disappearing, coming back, making promises, breaking promises, whatever, don’t make a blind bit of difference. They just give you a reason to look for that one little eeeny weeny nugget of something to make you stay invested and give him a chance, just so that he can turn around and do the same thing all over again!"
I was like that, but I don't want to be anymore. I believed him that he loves me and that he would change, but not anymore. Thank you for reminding me and gave me the strenght to go on with NC. I'm proud of myself that I didn't answer him to his text messages and I won't, because I'm sick of the pain.
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laurie13
Junior Member
"Be good to yourself, cause nobody else has the power to make you happy."
Posts: 61
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Post by laurie13 on Apr 8, 2009 23:23:01 GMT -8
I am so proud of myself - I deleted him from my MSN contacts.  |
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Post by hopeful89 on Apr 21, 2009 14:43:55 GMT -8
I loved the NCR. I thought for some time now that I could just use boundaries. It didn't work! Slowly, but surely, the boundaries became perferated and then non-existent. My family was suffering because of my time with the POA. I was lying and sneaking around to spend innocent time with my POA. All of these behaviors are not me! I began to think less of myself for sneaking and lying. This relationship is not the standard male/female relationship, so there is no sex involved, but the love is as strong! I tried the NC before, but it failed. I am trying it again today. I am aching inside, but feel that time will heal this wound. I am angry inside too that my husband is the cause of this separation. Had he not thrown such a "snit" about her (yes her), I would still be able to have a friendship with her. She is more of a motherly type for me, but I care deeply for her and NEED her. Cutting that NEED is going to be my challenge. I must remain focused and strong. I MUST! Thank you for such a wonderful article. It his me hard!
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Post by LovelyJune on Apr 28, 2009 10:23:09 GMT -8
I wanted to add also that many people (myself included when I was younger) think that they can use the NCR as a way to "win back" someone. How many of us have done the following: played the little game where we say, "well, I won't contact him for days so that he misses the hell out of me and comes back crawling." I know I have done this.
THIS IS NOT NC. This is a game.
NC (in my opinion) is not only physically removing yourself from a situation or a PoA, it's also emotional and mental. If you are, for example, refusing to pick up the phone when he calls just for spite this isn't really NC. This is immature game playing. NC is not just about physically removing yourself from someone for THEIR benefit. NC is to physically, mentally and emotionally remove someone from your life (and THOUGHTS) for YOUR benefit. It's a way to clean a person out of your system so that you can start to breathe again, live again, get to know who YOU are again. If your every thought is about how to get this guy back you are not practicing NC.
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Post by Sexlessw on Apr 30, 2009 11:40:42 GMT -8
T:
You are absolutely right. NC is no game. It's no joke. It's done FOR YOURSELF for YOUR healing purposes.
NC IS Emotional. It IS Mental. It IS physical. It's about YOU and YOUR health. Not "winning" the person back (back from what to what?)
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Post by kathie on May 10, 2009 9:15:26 GMT -8
I love this article - it gives me so much strength. Thank you!
Kathie
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Post by Bluejay on Jun 4, 2009 8:49:10 GMT -8
Sexlessw - Just want to say a big THANK YOU for this long article. I appreciate you taking the time to share your experience and wisdom with the group. The article is very helpful, information and encouraging. I'm a big believer in the NCR.
I'm almost two months into a hardcore NC and it's a daily struggle but one I am "winning". Just this morning I was thinking that it isn't about punishing my POA (who I know doesn't like this situation; she wants to be friendly in a very casual way). It's about protecting myself from more hurt. And the NCR is working!!
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Post by Sexlessw on Jun 23, 2009 8:19:40 GMT -8
BlueJay:
If you implement the rules, it can ONLY work. I'm not saying, again, this is all easy. You know that too.
"It's about protecting myself from more hurt" - BINGO!
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Post by abigail on Jul 1, 2009 22:07:59 GMT -8
This article was very helpful for me today....
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isla
New Member
Posts: 5
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Post by isla on Jul 18, 2009 9:38:48 GMT -8
Today is my Day one of NC, and this was the perfect article for me to read on this Day. Thank you all for your posts. The suggestion to make a list of all the ways the relationship/behaviors negatively impacted my emotions and life, and productivity, and my heartbreak as well, is an extremely good one. (I am a Pollyanna and forget everything when I am in his presence.) I always end up feeling insane after any contact with my POA, and after 7 years, have come to feel pretty badly about myself and who I have become. I want my "happy self" back again. My productive, giving, confident, loving, self back again, but...a more enlightened, healthy version. I don't want to be jaded and bitter and resentful anymore. And that...is why I am going to maintain NC. Because I want to love myself, and feel good about the person that I am. Every morning I will look in the mirror and say, "I love you and want the best for you," to myself. I will be the loving parent to my inner child, and she will grow stronger and stronger every day. When I feel that "old pull," I will give love, understanding, admiration, and honor to myself, instead of reaching out for it from someone else. That is how I will keep my NCR.
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hankkelley
Full Member
Spiritual Advisor
I have the strength for everything through him who empowers me.
Posts: 136
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Post by hankkelley on Oct 19, 2009 14:21:39 GMT -8
All,
This string is a great resource on how to do NC. It gives some harsh rules, but they work. Honestly, the more literal and complete that you implement NC, the better it works.
I have been in NC for 4+ months. I am stronger every day for it. I look at each day of NC as “money in the bank”. It is an investment in you. Think of it as an “emotional cash reserve” that you can draw on for a “rainy day”.
My NC was easier in some ways and more difficult in others than many of your experiences.
It is easier because, I live in the northeast USA. My POA lives in the southeast. I met her in a business trip. We had a 15-month EMA. In that time, we spent only 8 – 10 evenings together. But, we talked on the phone every day for at least an hour. There is no business reason for me to visit her city or to contact her company. She would cross my path only if I reached out to her.
It is more difficult because, it was a beautiful relationship. She was good to me and we were in love. However, we knew that breaking my marriage would cause too much pain for too many people. We both maturely decided to break it off.
We tried twice unsuccessfully. In the first two cases, we were right back at the daily calls within three days. We both knew that we had to cut the chord completely for this to work.
“No contact” means “No contact”. I did not call, email, text, or IM. I did not try to get to her through mutual acquaintances or find out what she is doing. At first, I would occasionally look at her picture on her company’s web site, but I stopped because it only made me feel worse. I “spammed” her email address and deleted her contact information from Outlook.
I must confess that I moved her contact info and some pictures of her to a backup “data stick”, which I moved to a locked cabinet in my office at work. I keep the key in a hiding place at home. I have the comfort zone of knowing that I could get at this material, but it would be inconvenient to do and virtually impossible to access on impulse.
The first few days of NC were pure hell. But, with the help of the board and my counselor I got through it. By three weeks, I was feeling very strong. God must have known I was ready because, he sent me my next challenge. My wife discovered my now, former EMA.
The next four weeks were at home were the worst of our marriage. However, I had decided to give this a go because it was the right thing to do. Soon, my wife softened and we began our journey of reconciliation. Things have been getting better ever since. NC played a big role in this. I was no longer distracted by my POA. I still thought of her, but I quickly stopped those thoughts because I had my work cut out for me at home.
NC was probably most helpful because it made me focus on me and my recovery. I am an addict. With God’s help, I can live a fulfilling life. My POA really only satisfied my addiction. In the final analysis, she made me needy and less of a man. I could never come to this conclusion if I had any contact at all.
Then came the greatest test of all. Just 2 weeks ago, I found out that my POA had a heart attack. I had a near slip. I knew that if I called her office her phone would be forwarded to one of her co-workers. I could innocently ask how she was doing. Pretty safe, I thought. No contact, but it would satisfy my craving to know that she was OK.
I was wrong. Her phone was not forwarded. In fact, it had the same voice mail greeting in her voice that I had heard so many times before. Just hearing that voice sent me into a panic attack. I felt such anxiety that I had to stop work and call my counselor. Thank God, she was available. After speaking to my counselor, I was grounded again.
I have learned that there is no halfway with NC, it must be complete to be effective. I also learned that every day of no contact makes me stronger and makes me ready for my next test. And believe me, there WILL be another one.
It is a long journey, but I am ready for whatever comes. God is in charge and will give me only what I can handle. Sometimes, I really enjoy this process. My most powerful action is NC.
I feel for all of you that are struggling through NC. More than that, I respect you. Have faith that it is the only way to recovery.
Thanks and blessings to all,
Hank
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Post by Sexlessw on Oct 20, 2009 2:30:47 GMT -8
Hank:
Found you. Voices are tough. Voices are the worst. Moreso than a photograph.
That's sad, tho, that because of the strong feelings you had for your xOW you can't tell her "sorry about your health issue".
But above all else, we all know this: NC = NO NEW HURTS.
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hankkelley
Full Member
Spiritual Advisor
I have the strength for everything through him who empowers me.
Posts: 136
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Post by hankkelley on Oct 20, 2009 5:16:06 GMT -8
It is sad and very complicated.
Take care & thanks....
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hankkelley
Full Member
Spiritual Advisor
I have the strength for everything through him who empowers me.
Posts: 136
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Post by hankkelley on Oct 20, 2009 9:03:16 GMT -8
Blueskies,
This is tough for you, I know.
I would say that arranging to meet or pick up personal effects will make you feel worse. I would try to get out of that as benignly was possible. Unless the things are very valuable to you, you should let them go.
From my perspective, you should think of you. You should make the decisions that empower you to move on.
It is great that you recognize that following her into that place was a mistake and that it started this downward spiral of pain and worse the expectation of another meeting.
Use the strength that you have to stop now and get back on the road of NC. You slipped, but that was yesterday. Today is a new story that you write.
There is a great quote I heard in AA, "I am stronger, better than I was yesterday. I never dreamed that inside of me, I had so much goodness."
Here's another good one,
"Lord, I'm not what I want to be, I'm not what I ought to be and I'm not all I can be. But, thank God, I am not what I used to be."
Be strong. You have it in you.
Blessings to you,
Hank
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Post by soloact on Oct 31, 2009 23:12:46 GMT -8
sexless,that was very well said,....and exactly the words that i need to hear.
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jenx
New Member
"please take from me my life, when I don't have the strength, to give it away to you, Jesus.
Posts: 18
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Post by jenx on Dec 2, 2009 17:10:10 GMT -8
Thank you for this article. As a torchbearer for someone who had no clue of my affection, it is still very helpful. Sometimes its easier to hide behind the "friendship." I recently "un-friended" him on facebook, unfortunately i had to tell him why...I was very direct and didn't get emotional about it...he told me he was sad but would pray for me. He did not give me any hope of him returning my feelings. So now I am in NC mode...still having a hard time not thinking about him though.
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Post by mybestme on Dec 2, 2009 19:37:16 GMT -8
Thank goodness for this thread. I need to instill into my brain (again) how important this NC rule is. And NC for the sake of ME, not to make a point to him.
He's been e-mailing, says he wants to call me tomorrow. He never calls when he says, so I'm anticipating disappointment, but in some ways relief, because after that I'm FINALLY DONE!
I actually hope he does not call. I am going to fight like hell to regain me. I have done nothing with my life these last two years as this obsession took over. I cannot do this anymore - it's killing me. I want closure and freedom so badly - so badly it hurts.
He is a troubled person, I feel sorry for him...I want to (in my mind) wish him well and pray for him, but I know that I CANNOT, SHOULD NOT maintain any level of friendship or contact with him.
This process has been harder than I ever imagined....but those seven weeks were healing until I blew it.
NC NC NC NC NC NC
I have learned and can tell anyone struggling with it, don't let them back in!
When people show you who they are (and how they treat you), believe them -- the first time.
-Maya Angelou
In my case the second time, third time, fourth time....
If anyone reads this, please pray for some strength for me and anyone else struggling with getting this into their brains. Please pray for our strength and the better, more productive people we may become with the help of ourselves, our HP and the great wisdom of others.
I'm going to do this. I have to do this!!!!
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Post by ok2bme on Dec 8, 2009 9:23:28 GMT -8
I'm on my 4th day of no contact. We don't share children but we share jobs.
It is not easy but it is possible. When I hear he is around I have all the same anxieties...difference is I don't talk to him & even try not to look at him.
He came in the office yesterday, I heard someone call him by name & talk to him, I made a point NOT to look at him...thankfully I did not hear is voice that has been so magical to me. FOR ME that counts as no contact...I did not approach him or call him when he left. There may be times we must discuss work...that's all we will discuss & I will not count that against myself, IF my mind & heart is in recovery on those unavoidable times.
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Nena
New Member
Posts: 49
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Post by Nena on Dec 8, 2009 17:12:21 GMT -8
ok2bme....Im proud of you!! 4 days of NC??  ..I know its very hard for you,(for all of us) but it will get easier as time goes by. You will miss him at times...and want to fall back but...stay strong. I see fromm your posts that you read alot and are getting very involved so at the pace you are going you will soon recover! Good luck! Yesterday I was about to slip, I felt sooooo sad and missed him so much, but I had anxiety and a desire to just sit down and cry...I couldnt because I had my kids around so I stayed like that until they fell asleep, and when they did ..I cried my heart out, prayed...and walla!!!! Im feel great again today!!! ...it passed...like everything does. |
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seekingserenitynow
Full Member
3rd time with No Contact is feeling better every day. The obsessing is cooling WAY down. :)
Posts: 194
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Post by seekingserenitynow on Dec 21, 2009 23:17:25 GMT -8
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU so much for this no-nonsense, kick-to-the-gut in a good way description of NC, sexlessw!!! Like someone above, today is also Day One of NC for me. There is such a huge sense of relief in it. My obsessive thoughts have been getting less and less and you know what? I don't think I hardly thought about my POA at all today come to think of it. I've had some very rough feelings today, alot of depression, loneliness, and frustration over not having closer friends & taking rejection so hard. (If you're curious about details or want to share encouragement see my profile then read the long post I wrote.) But you know what? I'm actually GRATEFUL to be upset about those things. Because as uncomfy as it is, it's part of my healing and progress. And that's because of NC. Even just one day into NC (TRUE NC too, none of those half-ass versions I was calling NC to myself before...this is real...blocked & deleted & all forms truly CUT OFF), I'm seeing myself not focused on my POA but focused on MYSELF. Focused on the problems of pulling my friendships and money and job and self-esteem together. Those things are real. They have to do with my love addiction and codependency but until recently I was SO focused on my POA (and my desperate fantasy that the sstuffs of intensity he was throwing me would blossom into fantasy perfect love if I just argued 50 more times or made myself into even more of a doormat) that there wasn't energy in me to CARE about my fractured friendships and self-esteem and all that. With NC there is more ME for ME. Yeah, there's lots here it's not pretty to face. Lots of problems to take responsiblity for. (And hey, that's why I was avoiding them in the first place by being obsessed with the POA.) But this is the reality I need to be facing. These are the problems I DESERVE and KNOW HOW to fix. I'm feeling so much stronger. So that's a plug for NC from someone who it's really working for. I'm thankful there are no children involved or anything to make it messier than it could be and my heart goes out to people in situations like that that are messier, to people who NC isn't as much of an option for. It's interesting that times in the past I did bits of NC I'd immediately & obviously see my life improved. I'd do better at work, I'd look healthier, I'd groom myself better, I enjoyed friends more, smiled more, felt less muscle aches. Yet I was still so caught up in the love addiction that I'd sabotage that all & quickly go back to contact. I'm a bit sad that I didn't have this post by sexlessw to read back then as it may have spared me alot of pain. But everything happens RIGHT on time. God does have a perfect plan. So I won't wallow in that "what if". Happy, merry almost Christmas to all you beautiful, strong, wise people! |
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Post by walkingonwater on Dec 31, 2009 10:50:25 GMT -8
Richard,
Sorry to hear it's gone bad again. Sounds like you're still holding on to the idea of her being 'the one' and that she might come to you and solve all your problems.
I'm fluctuating a lot with my POA but I think I now realise that he is not a good potential partner at the moment. I wrote a list of reasons why this was so and when it's all written down there it stopped my mind going off on one. Doesn't stop the pain but at least it's nearer reality.
I found a post from (I think) 'eat pray love' the other day really helpful because it made me see that my POA is nothing more than a drug. I used him to make myself feel better and he did the same to me. I used him to get a 'high' of feeling wanted and loved but like drugs it can't last forever (clearing out the learning from all those romantic films) and it's not real - it just leads to a massive low. In the same way as if it was crack - it can't get better. And even if she did end her marriage and come with you - as if you'd just found a massive bag of cocaine - the good feeling won't last forever. For me I'm just trying to follow advice on this site about seeking to love myself and do the steps.
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Post by LovelyJune on Dec 31, 2009 12:47:15 GMT -8
Maybe I'm coming in a little late on this Richard, and not getting the full picture, but why are you blaming others for "taking advantage" of you and "breaking your 90-day NC" WHat part of your NC and recovery are you responsible for?
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..I know its very hard for you,(for all of us) but it will get easier as time goes by. 
