No Contact Explanation

No contact is a delicate balancing act between taking back control, booting someone out of your life (even if they don’t know it) and not going crazy. You apply the No Contact Rule (NCR) when you are in a relationship that just won’t die a death even though it’s dead as a dodo, when a guy likes to boomerang in and out of your life whenever it suits, and especially when you keep flogging a dead horse and chasing the guy around even though he is mistreating you.

The No Contact Rule is about closure and closing a door even when you don’t get to have a ‘conversation’ or a big break up moment, and this is what most women struggle with. You LOVE to have the conversation and you NEED to have the breakup moment because you think it’s what you need for closure and you like wondering “What if?”

What if I play doormat a little bit more? Maybe he’ll finally see how great I am?

What if I expect nothing at all from him? Maybe he won’t feel so pressured.

What if I finish it with him and he then becomes The Ideal Man for the next woman?

I’m going to say something that some of you will not want to hear. With men that don’t know their arses from their elbow, blow hot and cold, and won’t commit to either being with you or not being with, you have got to toughen up.

‘Conversations’ with a man that you’ve been going nowhere with, who has been using you, sleeping with you when it suits, disappearing, coming back, making promises, breaking promises, whatever, don’t make a blind bit of difference. They just give you a reason to look for that one little eeeny weeny nugget of something to make you stay invested and give him a chance, just so that he can turn around and do the same thing all over again!

Ladies, wise up, toughen up, smell the coffee, and take control because you can’t control him and the way this dead-end relationship is going but you can control how YOU are affected by being with him and you can get closure without him being the one to close the door. Why the hell do we need these men to close the door for closure? WE can close the door and d**n well slam it shut when they try to push it back open.

And that is the barometer of how successful the NCR is – When they attempt to open the door, there must be no response. The door must be closed, not slightly ajar to hear whatever rinky, dinky, BS excuse he has.

So what does the NCR involve?

No calling, emailing, faxing, message in a bottle, texting, communication by osmosis, Morse code, or anything. No contact means no contact. It is that simple. Sit on your hands, tape your dialing fingers together, reward yourself for getting to milestones but do not contact him.

Do not allow any of the following things to break NC:

You’re hormonal.
You’re horny.
You’re drunk.
You’re lonely.
You’re nostalgic.
You’re weak.
You have an emergency.
You’re out of another break up with someone else and seeking comfort.

If you react to any of these booby traps, you will not only end up regretting it, but you will have to start the whole process all over again, whilst he sits there thinking “ah, so she does still want me. Mmm, yeah I still don’t wanna be with her though…’.

No contacting him via your friends. Instruct all that know you both not to come to you with any information about him, unless he has ‘the clap’ or some other such STD that affects your health. You need to move on and forget about him, not be hearing out of context information where people make more out of something than actually exists.

No sex. No quick fumbles, slippery snogs, one last shag for old times' sake, or any bodily contact. Ever.

Get rid of his contact details. I’ll let you keep his number for three months and that is only so that you know it is him if he decides to call and you’ll know not to answer. Otherwise wipe out all information you have on him because no contact means you are breaking up and closing the door on that chapter in your life.

Challenge yourself not to think about him. Day one, each time you think of him, mark it down on a sheet of paper in your diary or something. Total it up and the next day, aim to do less. Or if you’re really hung up it might be better to do it by week. Target yourself to reduce it down each day/week. The trick is that if you are focusing on you and feeling in a better place emotionally, you won’t be thinking about this joke of a man.

The No Contact Rule means that you have to go cold turkey, but you put yourself in the driving seat, create your own closure, and you start to control the relationship that you have perceived as uncontrollable. It is an exit strategy and trust me, you will use the No Contact Rule if you truly want to exit a poor relationship and want to get back your sense of self.

In Part 1, I explained what the No Contact Rule is, why we avoid it, and some tips to get you started and in this post I am giving some guidance on when to apply the rule.

How do you know if you need to apply the No Contact Rule?

No contact is a pretty harsh way to cut things off but it’s increasingly needed because of the type of dating habits that both men and women are adopting. As women, we seem to love being with men that are disconnected and unavailable for relationship duty, and who can’t commit to being with us…and can’t commit to not being with us.

If you are experiencing any of the following, you need the No Contact Rule (NCR) for your sanity, never mind anything else:

You have no endings. You have a number of ‘ex’ boyfriends that call you up to get nostalgic, get the lowdown on whether you’ve moved on, and also to get busy with you. As a result, you’re not technically finished with a lot of the men in your past.

Can’t break, won’t break. When a man keeps popping back up in your life, despite having nothing more to offer than when you dumped him (or he exited) and despite your insistence to stay away, he does anything but.

You won’t let go. You’re one of those women that hopes too much. You haven’t cut the contact because you think he’s going to turn from a cockroach, into a frog, and then eventually into a prince. You think you’re chasing and holding out for a man that’s playing hard to get, when in actual fact, he’s not trying to be caught…

When they pull The Friend Card. Many men lack the balls to live with the feeling of knowing that they’ve behaved badly, so they throw you The Friend Card so that they feel like less of a sh*t than they really are. It is a gateway into your life and if you haven’t gotten over him and broken the emotional tie, it sets you back and prevents you from getting over him and moving on.

You have exchanged the ‘girlfriend’ role for the booty call one. Never take a demotion in the hope that it will enable you to get a promotion!

He blows hot and cold. Blowing hot and cold is Mr Unavailable’s (emotionally unavailable guys) way of controlling the relationship, keeping you at a distance, and keeping you in check, but when he blows hot, it’s not because he wants you, it’s just because he’s balancing things out so that he can keep you on ice for a bit longer.

You have a low self-esteem, bad dating and relationship habits, and are struggling to let go of old feelings.

Don’t use the No Contact Rule to:

Break off a relationship for the first time. Do the decent thing woman! Unless the man is downright crazy or abusive, the first time you guys finish, a bit of an explanation wouldn’t go astray!

End your marriage. The NCR is not for marriages. Not only do you need to stay in touch for your divorce, but it’s a pretty nasty way to end a relationship with someone you were prepared to legally bind yourself to!

Playing games. Ladies, ladies, LADIES! Stop playing games because it will backfire, you will bite off more than you can chew, and you will falsely impact on the relationship. Pulling the NCR to test if he’s interested is childish, plus, if he is emotionally unavailable, he will blow hot…and then blow cold when he’s comfy putting you right back to square one.

Is No Contact Permanent?

It is as permanent as you want it to be, but the golden rule is that you can only restart or accept contact when you are completely over him and have moved on. I suggest making it permanent for men that add little value to your life. There is no point in keeping contact for ego’s sake, as it will be mostly his ego that gets massaged.

At the bare minimum, the no contact rule should be enforced for two to three months. For men that tend to disappear and then reappear when it suits, take the longest period of time that they’ve ever disappeared for and add a month.

Think of it like giving up smoking - It’ll hurt in the short-term and you’ll be tempted to light up a few times in the first few weeks, but after a while, you feel better than you expected and time is disappearing.

Move on ladies and learn to let go! If you had to do the NCR in the first place, it’s in recognition of the fact that he didn’t treat you well, he didn’t respect your previous wishes to leave you alone to get on with your life, and he didn’t respect your wishes when you said “I’ll call you, don’t call me”. Now why would you want to be friends with someone who can’t follow basic instructions but still expected to slip back into your life when it suited, and hope that you’d break him off a piece?

Part III

I won’t lie to you ladies; initiating and maintaining the No Contact Rule is hard. You need to be strong to support your willpower and be prepared to suffer the short-term pain for the medium and long-term gain. The No Contact Rule (NCR) is about putting yourself first and you need to do it because you’ve allowed his needs and inability to give you what you need and want to be placed at the center of your universe.

Do not bother with the NCR if you are hoping to get back together with him because you are clearly not ready to cut the contact and make a run for it.

So how do you ensure that you ‘break’ and move on?

Set yourself a challenge. I have practically had to sit on my hands in the past to get to the end of the first week, but once I did it, it became a challenge to get to the end of week two and so forth. I rewarded myself along the way and when I got to three months, my shoe cupboard had a new arrival….

Ashley suggests “I handled my NCR recently by going a minimum of 60 days of “no contact” and I kept a log/journal that also incorporated some goal setting too. What that did for me was help me focus on things other than not being in contact with my ex and it also helped me express the emotions I was feeling about it. It was interesting to be able to look back and see my progress into a stronger person that felt better about myself (and indifferent about him).”

Put on your favourite feel good, independent woman song, turn the music up loud, and verbally vent out your frustration. Sounds crazy but it’s great for releasing pent up emotions and you start to get a sense of humour about the whole thing. Oh and your neighbours can’t hear you talking to yourself. If you’re crazy like me, you’ll do a little dance too. ‘Since You’ve Been Gone’ by Kelly Clarkson is a great one but I’ve done it to ‘Proud Mary’ by Tina Turner too!

Write ‘Don’t call {insert name}’ on a Post-It and stick it to your phone, mirror, and anywhere else that helps you visualise. Or write it in lipstick on your mirror. I know of people who literally littered their homes with messages and it works.

Some people need reminders of the ‘Big Whoppers’ – the horrible things that he did. Type up the short form of each offence and print it out in a decent sized font. For eg. ‘Stood me up six times’;’He has never delivered on any of his promises’;’He’s a selfish, inconsiderate, stuff lover’ or for those of us with a killer vengeance ‘His d*ck wasn’t that big anyway!’ Then stick it up somewhere that you can see them. Or create a screen saver….

NY Sharon suggests “On a small card, write a brief snapshot list of memory triggers for you on the worse things he did or a mind imprint of something hurtful he said. These should be the ones that evoke the most terrible emotions from you. Keep this list in your purse and copies in other places for easy access.”

Clear out everything that is associated with him. It might not be much, especially if he is the atypical type of Mr Unavailable, but put away the photos, give away his stuff to charity, or just plain old put it in the bin. If you are going to return it, do it at the beginning of the NC period and ideally do it by post or just leave it on his doorstep in a box.

Take a break from dating. Dating Hiatuses enable you to reconnect with yourself but they also prevent you from kneejerking into another dubious relationship, they give you time to heal, and most importantly, when things go wrong, you don’t get nostalgic for the guy you are having NC with and end up calling him, or at worst shagging him.

Be careful with alcohol. If you’re the type that calls up your exes when you’ve had a few vinos, it’s probably best to cut back until you have gotten over the urge.

Block him on instant messenger services, block his email, and as one reader suggested, change his name on your phone to “Assclown”. Whatever you call him, don’t answer and as another reader suggested, “If he catches you on the phone or at work…say you’re too busy to talk, I have nothing to say and hang up.”

Eventually you will need to bite the bullet and delete his number.

Screen calls that you don’t recognize the number of or that come up unlisted.

Do tell close friends and family that you no longer bother with him so that they won’t bring him up unnecessarily. Sharon also suggests getting a sponsor, which can be that one person that you can rely on to sanity check things, who you can call up or meet up with when you feel weak.

Use the time to reconnect with other aspects of your life – friends, family, hobbies, work. When we are messed around by men, something always gets sidelined so use the opportunity to get things back on track.

Write a letter to him…but don’t post it. Don’t type, write. This is the opportunity to write a Dear John letter explaining why you are doing the NCR and how you feel as a result of being with him. End the letter positively by saying what you can be and do for yourself now that he is out of your life. This letter is your opportunity for closure but you can also keep it as a reminder of how he has made you feel. If it helps, list everything he has done to hurt and disappoint you. Read it back to yourself a few times. When the time is right, burn the letter. This is the opportunity to cleanse yourself of negative feelings about him…or at least begin the process.

But most importantly, no matter how much he begs, no matter how much he pleads, never feed him after midnight. Just joking! But no matter what, cut the contact. The No Contact Rule is not about finding out what someone will do when they lose their narcissistic fill of attention and panic. It shouldn’t matter what he says or does because you want him out of your life, regardless. He has nothing to offer you and you have so much more to offer to yourself.