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Post by looking4direction on Dec 9, 2011 22:34:29 GMT -8
He's up there. Always. I read about him in his book. My mentor told me to put it down. Okay, so I did. I have put it down before and I did transfer my love to someone else for 2 years but since October again (2011) I have not been able, again, to put him down. the man on my pedestal. He is deceased, which seems to make it harder for me to put a reality picture on him. I can imagine him however I want to imagine him, within the information I have about him. Just now, I found myself reading his book again. I read about all his achievements and all his accomplishments; he has a timeline. And found myself feeling inadequate and too "low for him" again. The torch is lit again. Problem is, even when I remove all the stimuli from my outer environment, if I don' t "transfer" again, I will never be able to stop thinking about him or fantasizing about him. I hate looking at this as some disease. But I also hate how this sometimes still makes me feel. When I go to a place where I feel "lowly" again compared to him, that's when I get in trouble. A phantom lover. Who will never reject me. But I want to face the void. How?  Carol |
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Post by looking4direction on Dec 9, 2011 22:46:29 GMT -8
I am going to answer my own post so that it won't look lonely.
"Carol, it gets better. Read on and see how others relate to you!"
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Post by sober on Dec 10, 2011 1:32:00 GMT -8
If you have other interesting hobby it will help. You can apply "no contact" by "no reading" of his book. You can do it! It does get better!  |
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Post by gemmrose1 on Dec 10, 2011 2:03:50 GMT -8
Hey Carol, I really relate to you. I don't have the answers, only for me I try to keep busy on my own recovery, looking after myself and my daughter. I try to do something every day that gives me a sense of achievement ie learning a new skill, anything that will give my self esteem a boost.
I have to be really strict with myself and stay away from anytning that reminds me even my own town centre and my old friends. I find the more I concentrate on my own recovery the beter I feel. I would aslo suggest NC with the book.
Be kind to yourself, you are worth it and you are not alone.
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Post by person on Dec 10, 2011 11:22:52 GMT -8
Throw away his books and go to some social events. Maybe you meet some real people who you might even like.
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Post by LovelyJune on Dec 11, 2011 4:34:33 GMT -8
Carol, in order to truly understand your addiction to this deceased "love" (and to break the addiction) you need to understand WHY you love him and WHY you are investing so much of your time into the fantasy-thoughts of him. How about this: the reason you are spending so much of your valuable time in fantasy is because you are AVOIDING YOUR LIFE, or some part of your life that is too overwhelming for you to deal with. Maybe you can write a list of all the things that scare you, or all the things that you would like to do, but haven't done.
For me, it was work. I was scared to death to work. And every time I would attempt to get a decent job and failed, I would go off into a fantasy world and dream. That always took the pain of my reality away. If I was really lucky, I would meet someone. Well, I can't date a great guy AND work, can I? And so the avoidance of my responsibilities went.
So...ask yourself....what are you avoiding?
-Are you afraid to meet someone REAL?
-Are you afraid of rejection?
-Are you not wanting to take care of yourself in some way?
-Are you avoiding the pain of being YOU?
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Post by sober on Dec 11, 2011 9:40:32 GMT -8
I'm also doing "no contact" w/ someone who does not physically exist in my life any longer but only in my head in fantasy form. So you are not alone! |
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Post by looking4direction on Dec 11, 2011 18:41:39 GMT -8
thanks everyone.
I am dealing with a very intense part of my healing now.
The fantasy started around the time my aunt was dying. In 2008. I remember suddenly feeling this very very limerent feeling for this author (man in the book). I had never felt this way before for him, nor for anyone ever.
I think I have been using him to fill an emptiness in me that I felt my aunt left out of me. She had raised me (long story) and I had never felt as though she loved me uncondtionally as parents should love their kids.
So I go to this man who's not real now, not available.
And yet something's missing.
I am ill right now, in a lot of physical pain. That's also a trigger.
When I get completely recovered from that, I intend to deal with my life. For real.
But you are absolutely right.
I have to put down the "drug" and meet myself.
Who is Carol?
What does Carol want?
What does Carol want to do/be for the next 20 years of her life?
thanks,
Carol
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Post by person on Dec 11, 2011 21:01:13 GMT -8
I hope you feel better physically and emotionally. There is so much medicine out to keep you out of physical pain. Are you talking to your doctors? You should not be in pain, they should be able to manage it.
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Post by looking4direction on Dec 16, 2011 14:01:30 GMT -8
thanks.
It's dental.
they prescribed pain stuff.
I think I have a tolerance.
Carol
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Post by Loving My Life on Dec 16, 2011 14:12:06 GMT -8
looking, iam not a doctor, this is just my option, but if you are having emotional pain, you need to get something from your doctor for that. Like for anxiety, panic disorders, or depression. The meds they give for dental pain is not the same kind of pain. Can you get to a doctor and get something for your emotional pain? If not maybe call a vitamin shoppe and ask if they have something over the counter for depression & anxiety? You dont have to suffer.
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Post by looking4direction on Mar 5, 2012 19:33:42 GMT -8
I slipped again.
I am going back and reading this to remind myself to get out of it.
I think this disease is so insidious. It's hard for me to even realize I am doing it. It's so intertwined with my living situation.
I mean, what other fun thing can I do besides read his books or fantasize about him?
I bet there's tons of things.
And I think I am avoiding me.
Carol
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Post by looking4direction on Mar 5, 2012 19:34:49 GMT -8
Carolyn I did go for meds, but I have a very sensitive history to psych meds. And I am also on pain pills---just asked for ANOTHER prescription. Thanks for your concern.  Carol |
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Post by overcome on Mar 11, 2012 10:56:43 GMT -8
There's not much activity on the torchbearers section - just wanted to wish you well and hope you are feeling better.
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Post by looking4direction on Apr 2, 2012 2:05:05 GMT -8
thank you overcome.
sorry it took so long to respond to you.
but it was nice getting a new reply like yours as I was checking out my older threads.
And welcome to LA recovery.
Carol
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Post by lovely1 on May 11, 2012 18:05:56 GMT -8
Carol,
Can you purchase or borrow from the library books on a completely different subject than the POA books? At the same time you could perhaps give the books to a friend and ask her/him not to give them back to you for say a few years.
I had to do something similiar. My POA and I shared alot of friends. I had to confide in one friend who kept mentioning him to me. I told her to never mention his name again. And she hasn't, it's been years now.
There IS lots of stuff out there to do aside from obsess over POAs. I used to spend hours and hours writing long emails to my POA, like daily for years. Now I've got all that time back to go for long walks, watch my soap operas, read self help books, write, take naps, long bubble baths, scenic bus rides on and on and on...there's a great big world outside of the confines of an addiction.
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Post by looking4direction on Jul 3, 2012 16:45:04 GMT -8
I am bumping up this topic.
Some ppl on the site have asked me why I am here and what I have been talking about. This is why I am here; I have a few other issues with LA, but this one, torchbearing is my strongest one and the trigger that sent me here at laarecovery last fall.
Carol
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Post by makeitright on Jul 9, 2012 19:10:45 GMT -8
Carol, I was here before to read only as a guest and couldn't get what you're talking about. But now I do. I fell for someone I haven't really met in person but her beautiful personality manifested in her writings got me hooked. How are you doing now and what did you do to get over him?
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Post by looking4direction on Jul 18, 2012 23:42:30 GMT -8
I am not over him, makitright (in case y ou are still here reading) I am still struggling right now. I got sick again, so I am shut in again, which really makes it hard for me to deal with it. I have been instructed to stay busy, and have been doing that until I got sent to bed with bad bad laryngitis. I did get up just now cause I really needed to log on for a while to read some recovery. I am finding the core of my addiction. I am grieving the loss of love in my childhood. I still think about Anatoli all the time, but I am paying much more attention to what happens to me when I do and also why I think about him. I just have such longing. I hate being sick. I really need to stay busy. I do. But this cold is forcing me to rest and deal with my body and with my mind, which is still trying to process new information and give up the old... Carol |
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Post by looking4direction on Dec 23, 2012 21:29:13 GMT -8
for my own sake (to remember why I am here primarily) and for the sake of the newcomers, and also for the sake of everyone understanding my condition better, I am bumping up this topic.
It is still, currently, a great struggle.
In "Renewing my Recovery Committment", under this forum, Torchbearers, is a more detailed account of my progress.
thanks,
Carol
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Post by cupidcome on Feb 6, 2013 21:12:48 GMT -8
Carol -
I can relate with your struggle. I had a poa for 6 years that thought of me as like a friend and barely knew I existed, and my la continued through long periods of nc, just based off imagination and facebook alone.
thank you for sharing your story. I agree with everyone who said you should get rid of those books, but I don't think that's gonna cure your la. I really think you need to find out what you're avoiding with the fantasy, and also stop the vicious cycle of addictive thoughts.
Tonight I felt a strong urge to look in the torchbearer section of this board. I felt like I might find some of my answers, and what I have noticed is that what keeps me going with my limerent feelings is the fact that the poa is unavailable, and I really am scared of being in a good relationship, or being alone or both.
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