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Post by leadbelly on Jan 29, 2012 17:15:05 GMT -8
I figure this will be a short-lived thread, but I wonder - what does a healthy relationship look like anyway? without fantasizing LOLOL...like an honest-to-gawd, earthbound love match. I'm pretty sure 'mutual respect' is going to be mentioned, but what does that mean?
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robgke
Junior Member
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Post by robgke on Jan 29, 2012 17:24:48 GMT -8
mutual respect... yeah thats a part of it. I think mutual acceptance as well. I say mutual acceptance because it has to be both in the relationship accepting each other, both the good and bad. Accepting each others wants and needs from the relationship.
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Post by leadbelly on Jan 29, 2012 17:40:00 GMT -8
Details. I want details LOL
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Post by Havefaith on Jan 29, 2012 17:46:23 GMT -8
Read "Attached" by Levine & Heller -- best book I've ever read on how a healthy relationship functions, and it has a lot to do with mutual SUPPORT and AVAILABILITY (which is the polar opposite of what many folks experience here; I suppose we wouldn't be here otherwise!).
HaveFaith
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Post by Loving My Life on Jan 29, 2012 17:50:31 GMT -8
there is a thread under the home tab, titled Successful Relationship. I could not send the link, but this might be helpful.
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robgke
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Post by robgke on Jan 29, 2012 17:50:42 GMT -8
I did the best I could do, I'm an addict torchbearer that just learned I have to relearn everything I thought I knew about relationships in the first place.... you want details go watch june and ward cleaver in some old episodes of leave it to beaver:p ......
I'm thinking this is the kind of thread that will work best if everyone adds to it instead of trying to define it all on our own
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Post by bklynrn on Jan 29, 2012 18:03:06 GMT -8
What does a healthy YOU look like?  |
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Post by leadbelly on Jan 29, 2012 18:15:21 GMT -8
havefaith and carolyn....i hear you on your referrals, but it's nice if you could define it your very self.
bklynrn; I guess support would be really key....and not trying to 'show' me my contradictions, blocks of absense, but when present, like they are really present. Asks me questions about myself, what do I think about things....shows me something I didn't know....thoughtful of me....forthright about saying good things to me....hilarity....has been through hell a must, but in recovery just like me....kindness so that I know I'm on his mind.....calls when he says he will, asks questions about my son.....generous......and I don't get the sheer white-knuckled panic when I mess up that he's going to leave....and that he starts being an $sshole when he's comfortable?
o brother, sounds like i'm fantasizing again......*sigh*
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Post by dharmagirl on Jan 30, 2012 9:04:32 GMT -8
Leadbelly: Thanks for this topic. My therapist asked me this question just last week. I stared at her blankly as crickets chirped....How it is that I'm 49 years old, have been married twice and in love more times than I can recall but have no clue as to what constitutes a healthy relationship?! Oh, yes, I'm a love addict who has attracted and has been attracted to emotionally unavailable guys because I don't know what to do with, nor can I recognize, an emotionally available one! So my therapist gave this question to me as homework—and my homework is due at 10 AM tomorrow.
To jump-start my homework, I promptly skipped to the back of Pia Mellody's book on love addiction where she describes some of the characteristics of a "healthy relationship." It seems that each partner must be responsible for his/her own personal growth and each must take responsibility for remaining in an "adult ego state." There's more, of course, but I'll stop there. So it sounds like a healthy romantic relationship is between two grown-up adult people rather than between two grown-up children! Wow, what a concept! And yes, mutual support is key in there too. But the part that really resonates for me is the sense that I must be fulfilled and running on all cylinders and so should he before we try to be a couple. I know I've grasped onto guys for the rub-off effect, ie: If you're successful, I will be too. But there must be equity for there to be respect. Oh and acceptance is a biggie too. No more heaping on Super Hero attributes on the poor mortal.
Leadbelly, I think a lot of your wish-list is realistic. Don't tell my therapist, but some of these are going into my homework assignment! Thanks again.
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Post by Havefaith on Jan 30, 2012 9:25:18 GMT -8
dharmagirl, you wrote, "Oh and acceptance is a biggie too. No more heaping on Super Hero attributes on the poor mortal. "
Absolutely! One of the characteristics of a love addict we talk about in SLAA says, "We assign magical qualities to others. We idealize and pursue them, then blame them for not fulfilling our fantasies and expectations."
Guilty as charged.
HaveFaith
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Post by leadbelly on Jan 30, 2012 9:34:01 GMT -8
wow havefaith....that's EXACTLY what I did and it's not his fault...and he knew I was putting him on a pedestal and said it wasn't fair. It's the only way I think I could of stomached him and what I was doing. Yes. Yes. It makes so much sense. When you want to do something that you know is not a good thing or a person is not a good match.......then you make up things to justify it. Sounds like a child.
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Post by bklynrn on Jan 30, 2012 10:55:05 GMT -8
@leadbelly....i was asking what a healthy YOU looks like...not a healthy you with someone. Not a healthy relationship. Do you see how we operate? We can't even think of ourselves independantly sometimes. I did the very same thing in the past.I was asking about you ,the woman. When my therapist would ask me that i would get dumbfounded...total freakin silence in the room...lol. I had to do a whole lot of soul searching to figure out what I thought was healthy for ME the single and independant woman...not the screaming child looking for daddy to anticipate and meet my needs. I neglected my emotional needs for 41 years.... true stuff what Havefaith just quoted from SLAA....very very true and very childish to do that to someone.
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Post by leadbelly on Jan 30, 2012 12:11:30 GMT -8
dharmagirl......STOP THE PRESSES....as bklynrn has so poignantly pointed out - the question is WHAT IS A HEALTHY YOU? bklynrn: o brother....duh? ok what about this??: -no bingeing and purging -admitted to my mistakes and where i was wrong - this makes me a little nervous - because I did put POA on a pedestal, but I don't want him off the hook as being innocent!!!  ? I made a mess -NC is the only way to right this wrong - for both of us really - I don't hate him (well...trying to be big here right now) -looking after my body machine by exercising and giving 'it' nutrients -listening to my gut -talking to my god as I know it.... -stop ripping myself apart every single day -going opposite to the voice that hates and wants to mistrust EVERYONE -being kind and letting people know they are great -laying off the bloody sugar the list is pretty, but it doesn't go 'in' yet...and I just want to say **ck it??? I don't even know why...I guess there's no drama in it. |
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Post by Havefaith on Jan 30, 2012 12:15:43 GMT -8
The love addict does seek out drama; for me it's a huge part of my addiction. Giving up the drama (and learning to live without the 'highs' which are inevitably followed by lows) is a key part of my recovery.
HaveFaith
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Post by dharmagirl on Feb 1, 2012 14:23:22 GMT -8
Havefaith: Amen, amen, amen! I'm definitely a drama-junkie. I recently told my PoA story to a friend. Mid-tale I started to hear myself saying..."And then, he said...And then, I said...And then he didn't call...And then I told him to..." Ahhh! I sounded like a sixteen year old. If I were my friend, I would tell me to please stop talking. In fact, I AM telling me to please stop talking about relationships and their dramas.
And yes, bklynn and leadbelly: you are SO right. The focus should be (and is) on what it means for me to be healthy. Freeing myself from drama is definitely a step in the right direction. My new motto: Less drama, more dharma.
And de-dramatizing my life also relates back to the excellent post that's up now on Venting and how it's part of love addiction. Venting lets me relive the drama, over and over and over again. Holy cats! I think you're definitely onto something here.
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Post by leadbelly on Feb 1, 2012 14:29:16 GMT -8
yes definitely dharma....all that 'noise' keeps us away from ourselves. Who knew :-) not just with poa's but with anything obsessive.
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Post by Loving My Life on Feb 1, 2012 14:38:51 GMT -8
no drama is a wonderful thing, once you get used to it. my life has always been chaotic, so i thought that was normal. But ive learned in soberity drama it not healthy. And it not necessary either. Balance is what is important. And if you feel one part getting off balance, be aware of it, and correct it. Be in tune with your feelings and your body. Take a time out.
so no drama, trust, respect for each other and each others boundaries, communications all are good ingredients for a healthy relationship.
It is great learning life skills and new coping skills @ 50 years old. Your never too old to learn and/or change your thinking.
Practice, practice, practice....
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Post by bklynrn on Feb 1, 2012 15:15:00 GMT -8
Drama is found in so many relationships...between friends, lovers, co-workers ect ect...Years ago, I lived for drama...NOW, ugh, I cannot have it at all. My body reacts to it so negatively now. If I allow any drama in my life it leaves me feeling physically sick( headache, nauseous, tense and wound up). At work, our secretary is a DRAMA QUEEN. I tried to avoid her but she kept pursuing me to engage me in work related drama and gossip. That is not my thing anymore. I realized there was no avoiding her so I flat out told her '' I don't want to hear any gossip or drama stories'' she got upset and called me a ''loner'' and some other stuff.. Then she began talking negative stuff behind my back. Typical for an immature 47 year old but rather then get on the defense and engage her or my co-workers in creating new drama , i let all of it ride out. I said NOTHING to her and nothing to defend myself to anyone. I kept the situation at hand and between her and I. Didn't engage anyone else in it. I let the peices fall and watch how they landed. That, was VERY VERY difficult to sit with. In turn, she came out looking like the trouble maker and my co-workers now see her for who she really is....an immature,drama driven trouble maker. If I engaged othesr in the drama and reacted to her nonsense i would not be any better than her....
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robgke
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Post by robgke on Feb 1, 2012 18:23:02 GMT -8
Paisley, whether or not you see your relationship partner everyday is not what makes a relationship complete. Being together physically can not take the place of being together emotionally. And only you can determine the level of emotional commitment you have with your partner. And you will only be able to determine the completeness of your relationship with your partner after you have learned how to be comfortable enough with yourself first. And the same goes for him as well. You each have to have an understanding of your own selves before you can understand and fully be able to live in the present with each other. It's not easy, it'll take time and a lot of effort to look past the tears and into your own heart and soul to actually see whats wrong, and fix it. When tears are falling try to have faith and ask your higher power to help you to look within yourself and figure out why your crying, why your lonely and what you can change about yourself to not feel so lonely anymore. It's a process and doesn't happen all at once but every journey begins with a single step. Just posting how your feeling is a step, now take the next one. Read more, post more and dig deeper into your own mind one step at a time.
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Post by leadbelly on Feb 1, 2012 19:01:39 GMT -8
paisley....I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. Lonely really sucks. And really it's not that complicated...it's just about making a connection. Are we 'enough' here on these boards for now? until you can ask for more of what you need from your poa?
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Post by maxheadcase on Feb 1, 2012 19:10:14 GMT -8
Well Leadbelly, I'm not a healthy relationship expert....but I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night. To me a healthy relationship would include: * Honesty * Caring and affection that comes equal from both people * Knowing your partner will support you and have your back...unless you are an axe murderer... * Always being there for each other, no one sidedness * Accepting of each others flaws and faults * Mutual respect for one another * Interest with each others lives, goals and dreams * Intimacy (of course) * Having healthy relationships and good friends outside of the relationship * Understanding * Forgiving * Trust * Communication |
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Post by maxheadcase on Feb 1, 2012 19:16:20 GMT -8
I edited/deleted my last comment because it probably wouldn't have been a very healthy exercise for us to partake in verses naming negative traits of POA's.
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Post by leadbelly on Feb 2, 2012 4:43:47 GMT -8
yea max....we already know the negative, we wouldn't be here otherwise.
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Post by looking4direction on Mar 21, 2012 19:10:11 GMT -8
Having a love for ourselves first and a sense of autonomy, with or without a partner. This goes for both partners. Then no one has to point any fingers at the other or put them on a pedestal or feel terror at being abandoned. Feeling WHOLE. And consequently acting whole, instead of like half of a person.
Just my thoughts.
Carol
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Post by jphcbpa on Apr 18, 2012 10:30:05 GMT -8
to my disease it would look pretty boring  but calm is better than the passive aggressive, 3 ring circus side show I have just stepped off of. |
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cen
New Member
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Post by cen on Apr 25, 2012 3:43:33 GMT -8
Leadbelly: Thanks for this topic. My therapist asked me this question just last week. I stared at her blankly as crickets chirped....How it is that I'm 49 years old, have been married twice and in love more times than I can recall but have no clue as to what constitutes a healthy relationship?! Oh, yes, I'm a love addict who has attracted and has been attracted to emotionally unavailable guys because I don't know what to do with, nor can I recognize, an emotionally available one! So my therapist gave this question to me as homework—and my homework is due at 10 AM tomorrow. To jump-start my homework, I promptly skipped to the back of Pia Mellody's book on love addiction where she describes some of the characteristics of a "healthy relationship." It seems that each partner must be responsible for his/her own personal growth and each must take responsibility for remaining in an "adult ego state." There's more, of course, but I'll stop there. So it sounds like a healthy romantic relationship is between two grown-up adult people rather than between two grown-up children! Wow, what a concept! And yes, mutual support is key in there too. But the part that really resonates for me is the sense that I must be fulfilled and running on all cylinders and so should he before we try to be a couple. I know I've grasped onto guys for the rub-off effect, ie: If you're successful, I will be too. But there must be equity for there to be respect. Oh and acceptance is a biggie too. No more heaping on Super Hero attributes on the poor mortal. Leadbelly, I think a lot of your wish-list is realistic. Don't tell my therapist, but some of these are going into my homework assignment! Thanks again. |
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Post by Loving My Life on Apr 25, 2012 5:32:02 GMT -8
cnielsen welcome, can you go to the newcomers thread, under the home tab, introduce yourself so other will know your here. Let us know how you got here and what your recovery goals are.
We are all glad your here.
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? I made a mess 
but calm is better than the passive aggressive, 3 ring circus side show I have just stepped off of. 