Post by Jacarandagirl on Mar 18, 2012 10:10:27 GMT -8
The thing that has been the source of enormous pain in my life for the last 5 years or so has been a sense of not fulfilling my destiny...not being who I thought I should or could be. Not having a career, not being successful enough. In my family there has been big academic success, and not at ALL with me. Not true, I have a degree. But of course I don't give myself any credit for that when i'm in the pain of the story that I'm not good enough.
SO, yesterday it all shifted. I know this sounds very final and how can I be sure, but I just am. I don't know how I know for sure. I don't, but it doesn't matter. I have been procrastinating on at least 3 important projects for months, some for almost a year. I've noticed that in the last week I began to have little flashes of actually WANTING to do them. This alone is HUGE. because these things have been the things I torment myself with, so even having them in my mind for a second is long enough for me to start feeling bad about myself.
So this morning I woke for the second morning in a row where I thought "Maybe instead of doing the nice thing I have planned for myself (yesterday bush re-gen, today a Women's Dharma Day), maybe I should just stay home and do my projects." Yesterday I had to literally sit with it for a few minutes before I came to "just do what you had planned". So I did.
Today I got home after the lovely day sitting with these women and just marched to my computer and began work on one of the projects. I realised why I've been avoiding it isn't even the reason I had in my head, which was "I would just prefer to do this a different way than I need to do it and it's a hassle to have to do it this way". The real reason is I'm not very good at the program I have to use to do it in. Revelation! I don't like not being good at things so I avoid them. Do I seem like a goose to you? I do to me. But its so good to see myself clearly for a change.
So thanks for being here on this board as I discover who I am without all the drama of a PoA. Today is a milestone for me. It's another beginning to my healing, and if I can do it, ANYONE can do it. The people in my past who have "done me wrong" (alcoholic parents and ex) are suffering their own locked-in existences. I'm sure they would celebrate in their hearts, if they could, that I am moving on with my life instead of railing forever that they should have done it for me.
SO, yesterday it all shifted. I know this sounds very final and how can I be sure, but I just am. I don't know how I know for sure. I don't, but it doesn't matter. I have been procrastinating on at least 3 important projects for months, some for almost a year. I've noticed that in the last week I began to have little flashes of actually WANTING to do them. This alone is HUGE. because these things have been the things I torment myself with, so even having them in my mind for a second is long enough for me to start feeling bad about myself.
So this morning I woke for the second morning in a row where I thought "Maybe instead of doing the nice thing I have planned for myself (yesterday bush re-gen, today a Women's Dharma Day), maybe I should just stay home and do my projects." Yesterday I had to literally sit with it for a few minutes before I came to "just do what you had planned". So I did.
Today I got home after the lovely day sitting with these women and just marched to my computer and began work on one of the projects. I realised why I've been avoiding it isn't even the reason I had in my head, which was "I would just prefer to do this a different way than I need to do it and it's a hassle to have to do it this way". The real reason is I'm not very good at the program I have to use to do it in. Revelation! I don't like not being good at things so I avoid them. Do I seem like a goose to you? I do to me. But its so good to see myself clearly for a change.
So thanks for being here on this board as I discover who I am without all the drama of a PoA. Today is a milestone for me. It's another beginning to my healing, and if I can do it, ANYONE can do it. The people in my past who have "done me wrong" (alcoholic parents and ex) are suffering their own locked-in existences. I'm sure they would celebrate in their hearts, if they could, that I am moving on with my life instead of railing forever that they should have done it for me.
