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Post by runrunrun on May 25, 2012 15:23:20 GMT -8
In a previous thread I wrote about a boundary I set between me and a former friend who is a sex addict. For many reasons I needed this man out of my life. I kept ignoring his emails and phone calls. He kept persisting. Finally he asked if I was mad at him. I explained to him by saying I was removing all the single guys from my life that I have the opportunity to act out with. He said he understood.
Then 2 weeks went by with not a word from him. So I thought all was said and done and that was it. But no, he emailed me again. All it said was "Hi Runrunrun". I think his only reason for emailing that to me was to see if I would respond. I deleted it and ignored it.
If he persists then I will have to block his emails and phone numbers.
Some people just dont respect boundaries. Or they just dont get it.
RRR
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Post by bklynrn on May 25, 2012 17:48:08 GMT -8
I almost can understand why he's persistent,Run...wording is everything.You mentioned acting out...the first thing a male sex addict may think is.. ''wow, she would act out with me''....you may mean nothing by how you told him but who knows how he received it. Men and women communicate and receive things differently. Add in sex addiction and you can have a message being distorted by the receiver....just a thought but that was my knee jerk feeling
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Post by Chosen on May 25, 2012 19:32:07 GMT -8
I know that what I'm going to say here is not a popular opinion and is susceptible to being misinterpreted. Nevertheless, I'm gonna say it:
I am really close to some of my male relatives and other guys. Most men don't fully get what the hell is "No Contact"! It doesN'T make sense to them. For them it's not really about "not respecting" a boundary more than NOT BELIEVING in "NC". To a man, it's *WHY NOT* (contact her)? Additionally, they think it's 'more manly' to pursue than to "quit altogether".
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Post by runrunrun on May 26, 2012 13:36:54 GMT -8
Chosen, I agree. I know so many men who just keep persisting. Youre right. They dont get it. Maybe we have to spell it out for them. As in, "I am never going to contact you again, please dont try to contact me, anything we had in the past is over and there will be nothing in the future". Maybe thats what I should have said.
Like Bkln said, maybe I planted a seed in his mind somewhere. He is a self admitted sex addict. And I see many love addiction traits in him. And he is very selfish. This man has a tendency to avoid me when there is another woman in his life. But when that relationship becomes questionable he starts contacting me again. Thats how I knew when his last relationship was on again and off again. Made me feel like I was his backup gf.
Thanks luvmyself.
I am getting some very good feedback here.
RRR
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Post by Jacarandagirl on May 26, 2012 14:11:29 GMT -8
I think there is a kinder way to communicate with these people we used to like that we now don't want contact with. If I had to say it to someone like your sex addicted friend RRR I would want to say it like this: "I'm flattered you want to continue our friendship but for me it's too hard to be your friend. I'm focusing on recovery from ________. My contact with you causes me quite a bit of stress around that, and I need to stop being friends with you. I'm really sorry if it feels hurtful to you. But I need to have this boundary. Goodbye."
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Post by diamond on May 27, 2012 18:39:29 GMT -8
Hey RRR,
Just my two cents but this guy has crossed your boundaries quite a few times from memory. I think you need to take matters into your own hands and block him straight out - then there is no way this can drag on. I don't trust him not to contact you again if you don't block him. If he is indeed a love-addict/sex addict the pang for another hit will soon creep up again and you seem to be one of his usual go-to's. Since he is not in recovery, I can't see how this behavior will change at this time. I think you should block him once and for all.
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Post by runrunrun on May 30, 2012 14:05:03 GMT -8
Thanks Diamond. AT this time I really have no reason not to block him. I just have to remember how to do it. I turned my kayak club over to a friend. Do any issues that come up involving him she can deal with (yay).
Thanks
RRR
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Post by LovelyJune on Jun 20, 2012 6:35:47 GMT -8
How's this going, RRR?
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Post by runrunrun on Jul 4, 2012 13:18:38 GMT -8
Oops. Sorry it took me so long to reply to that LJ.
I came to the conclusion that this man's behavior is bordering on bizarre. Even after I told him I was removing myself from his life and even after I have not responded to any of his emails or phone calls he still persists. I think he really does not get it that someone doesnt want to be in his life.
He called my cell phone while I was at work the other day and left a voice mail. He sounded so casual like we were best friends. Finally I blocked all his calls and emails.
I think if I do a step 8 and 9 (without actually contacting him) maybe he will either finally go away or I will at least look at his caller id and not think a thing about it. That is if he persists more and gets around my blocks.
RRR
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Post by looking4direction on Jul 4, 2012 13:52:02 GMT -8
I have been thru this.
Often, not always, these people will not care if we set a boundary or not.
I have to simply not answer.
At least in my situations. (I have had past relationships online and face to face where after I said goodbye, they did not honor that.)
I had a bf while I was still in treatment and I am pretty sure that the only reason I never saw him again was because I left that place and changed my phone number.
Carol
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 6, 2012 13:04:59 GMT -8
Being contacted by a POA is called being pinged. You are being tested to see if your recovery is strong. |
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Post by runrunrun on Jul 10, 2012 17:04:38 GMT -8
When people set a boundary it should be respected regardless of how it was set.
RRR
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