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Fathers
Jun 19, 2011 5:21:35 GMT -8
Post by LovelyJune on Jun 19, 2011 5:21:35 GMT -8
Many of us have not exactly had the best experience with our fathers. In my case, my father was an alcoholic, a criminal, a narcissist and a slew of other things that I won't go into. Despite the fact that I loved him, I really didn't learn anything about what it means to be a good father. And because of that, I ended up marrying a man who also ended up neglecting our children and me as well.
But as time passed, I was able to come to know some very good men who were amazing fathers. They proved to me that good fathers DO exist and they come from overall good men who not only treat children well, but women too.
Here is my list of really great fathers who I used as role models later in life:
My step father My grandfather My Uncle My two brothers My current boyfriend
Thanks to these men for helping me grow into a beautiful woman!
T
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Fathers
Jun 19, 2011 5:31:19 GMT -8
Post by melsoul on Jun 19, 2011 5:31:19 GMT -8
This is still a really difficult topic for me, as I have so many issues with my biological father, but I will list the good fathers in my life as well:
My stepfather My grandfather (I still miss him)
Wish I had more I could think of, but thy are both precious to me.
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Fathers
Jun 19, 2011 5:57:59 GMT -8
Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Jun 19, 2011 5:57:59 GMT -8
Yeah, Fathers...mine was a raging psychopath.I feelsick with the obligatory call today, but I'll do it anyways...
I just need to vent a current Father story I am dealing with: My Ex husband adopted my older daughter A when she was 5, he and I split when she was 12. Her bio father died when she was a baby. he's the only Father she knows.
Yesterday he calls me and says his brother is putting on a lobster dinner Fathers Day cookout and J my youngest is invited and not A. When A found out about it she got excited and said she would take off from work. His Sister in Law rejected Amber when we got a divorce.
So Yesterday Im yelling in the phone at him " This is Child abuse..etc etc" He throws in that I chose a guy who died in the first place...not his fault... naive stuff.
So basically Ive got a16 year old who isnt invited to her own "Fathers" cookout. And he'd rather reject her than be compassionate or care.
I am so Full of Anger at how my daughter is being treated and I don't want him to cause damage. Really not sure what to do.
I might call his Mother, who A considers her Grandmother. They just went to a Soccer Game together last week. My ex said to not cause any Drama. And I don't have that d**n child support check in my hand yet.
Anyways, I hope its okay I posted it here, I was going to start a thread on Fathers too.
The only man I ever loved as a father figure was my Grandfather.
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Fathers
Jun 19, 2011 6:43:35 GMT -8
Post by LovelyJune on Jun 19, 2011 6:43:35 GMT -8
NOt sure what to do? Never deal with or speak to this man again. He sounds like a creep. Instead, find somewhere else where you can celebrate with your two kids all together.
And mel-- I didn't recognize any of those men were good fathers (except my grandfather) until recently. It takes time to recognize a good father.
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Fathers
Jun 19, 2011 7:59:46 GMT -8
Post by melsoul on Jun 19, 2011 7:59:46 GMT -8
I grieved so much when my grandfather died six years ago, and now I see why: he was very much a surrogate father for me, a source of unconditional love. I'm so grateful for him. My grandparents modeled God's love for me.
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Fathers
Jun 19, 2011 10:37:45 GMT -8
Post by sunflwrs4evr on Jun 19, 2011 10:37:45 GMT -8
I remember early in life...my father was a good father...so i though so...and i at that time...i figured we all had a roof over our heads and clothes our backs...and food in our bellies....but he abused all of us..me ...my sister....(my brother...i dont think so) I think my dad had lots of issues with women...and of course my mother...he abused us...physically,,,mentally,,,and emotionally...and the past several years...i didnt even call him to wish him a happy fathers day...he really is just a sperm donor...i really dont think i will be calling him today....and he still continues to hurt us....its very sad......and hurtful...and i just have to give it to God...because it doesnt belong to me...it never did and it never will....My grandfather was a good role model for me...although he died when i was 4 yrs old...how much did i learn from him....i do have good morals and values....maybe that is where i got them from and didnt realize it until now...my brother is a pretty good role model...and my uncle that just passed away several months ago...was a good role model...men in the rooms in my fellowships are good models...when they share I listen...Sun:)
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Fathers
Jun 19, 2011 11:40:49 GMT -8
Post by Havefaith on Jun 19, 2011 11:40:49 GMT -8
Happy Father's Day to all those dads out there -- especially those who love and sacrifice for their kids!
My father was a rage-aholic as I was growing up; I walked on more egg shells than I care to remember. He is now 80. He had his flaws and rough upbringing (his mom was gang raped by three teens and got pregnant at 15 yrs old with my dad; gave him up for adoption; was brought back into the family by his grandmother who was poverty stricken; think "Angela's Ashes").
He never knew how to show love as I was growing up. He never learned. I had my owns flaws and resentment towards him for years.
Without getting into a very long, complicated history, the upshot is that we have made amends. Therapy and working the Twelve Steps has melted away the resentments and deepened my understanding of my dad. I am grateful and happy to say our relationship is now based on honesty and love. It is a happy, peaceful Father's Day for the both of us.
HaveFaith
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Fathers
Jun 19, 2011 12:07:39 GMT -8
Post by sillypoppet on Jun 19, 2011 12:07:39 GMT -8
Today I decided to make the conscious decision and be there for my dad. My siblings weren't planning on coming over at all or doing anything special.
I got up and made my dad pancakes, bacon, and eggs. He really appreciated it, and I enjoyed having breakfast with him. He even sat down and asked to see pictures from my friend's wedding yesterday. He never knows what's going on in my life. It was nice that he asked. I received an invite for dinner for two at this restaurant that I know my dad would like. So, I asked him if he would go and he said yes...
I've never had a very good relationship with my dad. He is always working, and then when he's home he's yelling at everyone (and turning up the T.V. volume until the house shakes). But, I'm looking forward to having dinner with him on Friday. It's a love-hate relationship.
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Fathers
Jun 20, 2011 16:36:10 GMT -8
Post by sunflwrs4evr on Jun 20, 2011 16:36:10 GMT -8
I decided to call my father and wish him a happy fathers day...actually i left a message....and he didnt call me back unitl today...and in his message...he said ...my voice message is too long...that i needed to change it and to call him back....well i didnt call him back....but i did wish him a happy fathers day....and i will leave it at that...unless...i am lead to doing something else...Sun
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Fathers
Jun 21, 2011 13:11:04 GMT -8
Post by brainhealth on Jun 21, 2011 13:11:04 GMT -8
Havefaith: Don't know how you did it. i could never have survived what you went though. You must have great determination, forgiveness, love and a brilliant guardian angel. Well done. You inspired me tonight.
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Fathers
Jun 21, 2011 13:41:46 GMT -8
Post by Havefaith on Jun 21, 2011 13:41:46 GMT -8
Thanks for your kind words, brainhealth. I try and operate on faith, hope, compassion, truth and love. All ingredients that, put together, led to a serene relationship with my dad.
Oh, and a little therapy and a "brilliant guardian angel" (I'd love to think) did help!!
HaveFaith
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darkangels3251
Junior Member
No Contact for one year-bring it on!
Posts: 78
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Fathers
Jun 21, 2011 13:58:24 GMT -8
Post by darkangels3251 on Jun 21, 2011 13:58:24 GMT -8
To be completely honest, I never had good male role models in my family at all...my grandfathers (both maternal and paternal) were rarely met, because my parents broke off their ties with their parents, and my dad, well.....he's two faced. Because my mom is the tyrant in the house, he would cheat behind me, my sister and my brother, and my mother....I can briefly recall those days when behind our "mom" he would caress, nurture, and care for us, buy us whatever we wanted, take us to places, and be the best father that one can imagine...and then, in front of her presence, he becomes a complete monster, and starts becoming physical/emotionally abusive towards us all, betraying us and breaking our hearts...he also disrespects women in general, making me and my sister feel worthless......so its hard to find any male relatives who were good role models, plus ON TOP of that, the experience of the wrong boyfriends.....even though I'am not trying to diss any guy out there, but based on the experience I had, its hard to dissociate what I experienced, and its hard to trust others out there atleast for now.....until I can change my mind set and leave life with a positive uncertainty.
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Fathers
Jun 21, 2011 19:06:16 GMT -8
Post by brooklynberry on Jun 21, 2011 19:06:16 GMT -8
I struggled with my dad and had a hard time figuring out ways to do amends to him in my recent step work.
So I am doing it via gratitude. I wrote a nice blog post about him and how he influenced me as a runner on Father's day (he loved it) and his 60th Birthday is next week and I arranged to get his favorite local painter to do a piece for him. He's gonna LOVE it!
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Fathers
Jun 24, 2011 10:40:03 GMT -8
Post by overcomer on Jun 24, 2011 10:40:03 GMT -8
My dad spoiled me. I was his favorite. He was great w/ me. The only problem was he lived in fantasy and thought of himself as "James Bond"(he said it himself). He had many young beautiful girls and hot cars. My mom separated from him. So my "sympathy" went to my mom instead. As I grew up all my relationships w/ guys reflect his wealth and status. Except unfaithfulness. All the guys I've had were faithful and nice guys, but bec I've seen bad examples among my relatives, neighbors, friends, I wasn't able to trust men enough.Thus I've been a run-away bride! So yes father is an important figure. Thank GOD, that HE is a PERFECT HEAVENLY FATHER to anyone who believes and receives HIM. HE HAS BEEN MY FATHER since then. :' )
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Fathers
Jun 25, 2011 2:26:16 GMT -8
Post by LovelyJune on Jun 25, 2011 2:26:16 GMT -8
Happy, I read your post on your dad. I thought it was awesome. He sounds like he was a very strong man.
Overcomer: hope you're able to balance out the real and the ideal. That's what's important in the end.
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mrockmiss
Full Member
Newcomer Greeter
Posts: 181
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Fathers
Mar 16, 2013 11:35:15 GMT -8
Post by mrockmiss on Mar 16, 2013 11:35:15 GMT -8
My feelings for my father have always been very confusing. He was so physically abusive, not sexually. I had black eyes, a broken arm, he would pin me down. The weird thing is I always managed to forgive him. I always believed my mom when she said it was my fault and I was a bad kid. I hold more of a grudge with her than him. Don't understand why at all. He's not doing well these days and I love him so much. I am far away and my heart hurts when I hear of his decline. He has the beginnings of alzheimers and dementia and it's hard. Lately, the fear of losing him has brought up many conflicting emotions. Why did I always let him off the hook? I don't understand that part of me. He beat my mom up and she would never leave. I used to beg her to but, she never would. Somehow I never blamed him and my relationship with my mother is much more strained. She is a very toxic person as well but, for the life of me I don't know.
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Fathers
Jan 19, 2014 7:21:20 GMT -8
Post by dhafirah on Jan 19, 2014 7:21:20 GMT -8
My dad spoiled me. I was his favorite. He was great w/ me. The only problem was he lived in fantasy and thought of himself as "James Bond"(he said it himself). He had many young beautiful girls and hot cars. My mom separated from him. So my "sympathy" went to my mom instead. As I grew up all my relationships w/ guys reflect his wealth and status. Except unfaithfulness. All the guys I've had were faithful and nice guys, but bec I've seen bad examples among my relatives, neighbors, friends, I wasn't able to trust men enough.Thus I've been a run-away bride! So yes father is an important figure. Thank GOD, that HE is a PERFECT HEAVENLY FATHER to anyone who believes and receives HIM. HE HAS BEEN MY FATHER since then. :' ) I know this is an old post but I wanted to comment. I can so relate to you situation, overcomer. My dad spoiled me too. I am the youngest child. I actually drew away from him instead of the other way around. He was very strict with my brothers, he wanted it quiet in the house (in other words children were not expected to be normal in the house), and he expected my mother to be at his call regardless of what she was doing. Basically, I reacted on how he treated others. When he came in the house us kids would go in the bedrooms or stopped talking. He kept a roof over our heads and all the basic needs which I am thankful for now. Later he even told me that he didn't understand why I was upset with him because he did nothing to me. What he did not understand was that I did not like how he treated my brothers and mother. Also I think I unconsciously prepared myself so he didn't act like that towards me. I tried to keep him from knowing the wrong I did (to avoid punishment) and I stood up to him (I did not want to be submissive to him). Unfortunately even though I stood up to him as a child, as an adult I was still drawn to men like him.... emotionally unavailable, didn't care about my feelings, and had unresolved issues from their childhood. I found out he had a rough childhood. An alcoholic father and a depressed mother. My father was raised by his aunt. And he was the only child. After hearing about that I could understand why he had no clue on how to relate as a father to his children. Now I have accepted who he is. We hardly talk but I try to be respectful when we talk and just accept things as they are.
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