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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 10, 2009 3:17:49 GMT -8
I am new to the world. Really, I am. I have hibernated so long and hidden behind my defense mechanism that now, I consider myself reborn. New. That's great and wonderful, and yet, there are many times when I do not feel equipped to deal with normal situations. Being exposed like this makes me feel uneasy in the real world. I have taken a job teaching two writing courses at a community college. I have also gone back to grad school. I have added these things to my life as part of a recovery goal. It was high time I start to live and do things for myself and take action in my recovery. But when you pile these new responsibilities upon someone who already had a pretty full life (with two kids, a new relationship, and a full-time job), there's bound to be crisis in time management, let alone a whole mess of problems during the adaptation phase. To top it off, when you add occasional low self-esteem, waxing and waning confidence and not a lot of experience in the outside world, it's disaster. And quite frankly, that's what it feels like it's been; a disaster. In reality, I am keeping it together. At this point, however, I feel like I've made a huge mistake. I recognize now that I've taken on MORE than I should have. I should have entered into the world a little more slowly, and not like a CEO who has been managing a million things at once for most of his adult life. The reason I say this is because now, I am overwhelmed. And when I am overwhelmed my old defense mechanism kicks in: run away! Problem is, I can't run away. I can't even take a day off to regroup. This has me feeling TRAPPED, like a caged animal and all my old insecurities are creepy up on me. To add more to my burgeoning emotional highs and lows, I had a garage door come crashing down on my head last Saturday, leaving me foggy, dizzy, light-headed and easily forgetful. All this culminated in what I considered (and still to a lesser degree do consider) to be a HUGE, unforgivable mistake: I FORGOT TO SHOW UP TO TEACH CLASS AT THE ASSIGNED TIME YESTERDAY. I have to add here that I rarely make mistakes. I rarely make them because I don't normally DO anything to make them. I don't normally do anything to make them because I don't DO anything. Period. Like I said, I have hidden away most of my adult life from the world of work and careers simply from fear that I wasn't good enough, that I would be trapped and because I have always thought of myself as incompetent. What does any of this have to do with love addiction? A ton. All these insecurities that I am trying to knock down and overcome are what created the love addict in me. All of my inexperience in the world, over-use of my defense mechanism and feeling incompetent made me essentially want to hide away behind some man. If I had a man in my life I didn't have to worry about any of this stuff. Wait, let me clarify: if I had a neglectful, bad, no good man in my life who didn't love me I didn't have to worry about any of this stuff. Why? Because I could worry about him instead. Well, now that I am with D, now that I am in a good relationship, which is calm and peaceful and right, and now that I believe I have RECOVERED FROM LOVE ADDICTION, I am finally faced with the reality that real life is hard and painful and scary sometimes. And that instead of running away, you need to FACE your life and the more you do that, the more competent you become. I realize all that, and yet, I am still so scared and I am so angry with myself for failing yesterday. But part of the process of becoming REAL is to forgive yourself and get right back up and out there again. If I don't do that, I will not become the woman I am supposed to become. I might temporarily comfort myself by quitting and by running away and hiding, but I will suffer in the long run. Today's random questions are these: how has love addiction shaped me, not in ways of love or relationships, but in other ways? Have I given up on myself in other areas? How has that affected my self-esteem, my self-confidence and my belief in my ability to do and achieve things? What am I doing to change this part of me?currentlyundefined.wordpress.com/2009/09/10/forgiving-yourself-as-you-grow/ |
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Chrissy
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Post by Chrissy on Sept 10, 2009 13:19:33 GMT -8
I can relate T... up until now I was labeled and labeled myself as fearful and scared of the world.
I rarely took chances, would stay in dead end jobs because I was leary of change..
The past three years thrust itself at me...two jobs lost in three years, a divorce, some family issues and one POA..almost sounds like a Christmas Carol....LOL
For me my self esteem had been nill..non existent..I have finally come to see that there is potential in me that is untapped, the question is how do I become unafriad of this?
Failure scares me, I am not easy on myself..the job I lost yesterday was an entry level paying customer service job, one that I have had in different companies for the past twenty years..
To me the issue is finding what is my niche' , quantifying it and then putting a plan into action.
Procrastination has been my middle name...always easier for me to stay with the stuffpy job, abusive husband, etc..
change can be good..
but scares the stuff out of me..
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 10, 2009 16:05:40 GMT -8
chrissy, try to go back to school. take an art class. Do something or get involved in volunteerism or intern somewhere. Start SMALL (unlike me  and work from there. T |
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Post by Angel on Sept 10, 2009 18:00:54 GMT -8
i agree with Telmita
My sponsor just told me and I also read in some literature that 'feelings aren't facts". that even when i feel stuffpy and not good enough it doesn't mean that I AM!.
In fact we all have untapped potential but we are often afraid to let it out because of the responsiblity of being more than what we have been.
Yes it is scarey but maybe as we work the steps we will build in faith and courage to be more than what we presently are.
Actually, it is a challenge to be us as we are and be what we are meant to be as well.
I can relate to Chrissy, I have had failed businesses, failed marriage, four or five POA's in 12 months and total chaos in my life.
But I am here, I am alive and I am counting my blessings.
I am really grateful to have this site. I am off to shanghai to meet friends, attend meetings and also relax.
I check into this site before I go and when I get there because this is my lifeline now, this is my obsession and it is a good one.
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Post by Bluejay on Sept 11, 2009 6:02:55 GMT -8
Hi Telmita, Thanks for kicking off this interesting discussion. Also, yes, do move on from your mistake/oversight but learn from it too and try to make sure you don't want down the same path.
I too am feeling completely overwhelmed. My LA stems, in part, from a desire to be liked and appreciated and needed. This translates into many other areas of my life. Right now I've seriously over-committed myself with volunteering. I'm a big volunteer (heading things up etc) on about 5-6 big projects and events in multiple areas of my life. Even one or two of those things would be "enough" or "too much" for most people and I've got half a dozen. I think a lot of it is because I want to be liked and appreciated and I enjoy the praise that some people give me for making things happen or taking care of things (it also makes me feel unappreciated though when people don't notice or care). I think a lot of the things that I do are driven from the love addicted side of me.
Anyway, like you Telmita, I'm learning that I need to take it slower. Once these projects wrap up, I'll probably learn to say no and to move into things as a slower pace.
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Post by staystrong on Sept 11, 2009 6:48:16 GMT -8
Great question Telmita.
I know that for years I have struggles with my self worth in social arenas. It is an internal struggle. I get invited to parties and get togethers all the time. I usually come up for an excuse why I can't go. Every once and awhile I can't get out of it, or my wife drags me out of the house and I end up around people I don't know.
I always experience so much anxiety in these times. I know it is primarily internal because peopel always look at me funny when I say I'm shy. I guess I've been blessed with an attractive personality and demeanor because people always say how fun I am and how they just were so glad I came. My LA has distorted my cognition on this. I always think that people will find me boring and not want to spend time with me. After parties my wife will tell me hoe so and so just thought I was so funny...and I will be shocked...thinking they were just talking to me to be nice.
Recently I've put myself out there more. I have accepted more invitations (not all...baby steps). I have even had some fun.
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Post by glaciertraveler on Sept 11, 2009 7:14:22 GMT -8
Hello all,
What a great thread! I, too am finding myself in a new world and for the most part, I am enjoying it. I'm not on top of the career thing yet - still trying to focus, but perhaps it is success that I am afraid of. It means that I can't hide anymore.
And I know that I will make mistakes, like Telmita not showing up to teach her class. Well, good thing that's over. And it's over, except for the lessons you get to learn from it. And the lessons are a gift.
I think it would be easy to become overwhelmed, entering a new world and trying to figure it out. But you will. You are, and all of this is a good thing, Telmita and everyone. It's part of the beauty of learning how to cope. How to not only survive, but how to embrace our potential and thrive!
Okay...big breath. Let's realize that we aren't perfect and let's get out there in the new world, give it our all with these tools and experiences that make us exceptional, and let's make some mistakes.
GT
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 11, 2009 8:15:49 GMT -8
Glacier, you said it best when you said, "perhaps it is success that I am afraid of. It means that I can't hide anymore."
WOW. You blow me away. It's so true.
Today starts my three day weekend. I can actually REST from this head injury and I'm doing so. As for missing the class, many of professional friends (lawyers and doc etc.) have all helped me a great deal by mentioning some pretty serious blunders they've made (forgetting to show up for surgery! OOPS!). Anyway, it helped put things into perspective for me. Not only that, but I kicked a$$ teaching my thursday class and felt very comfortable and confident. I wish I could MAINTAIN than sense of confidence at all times, but I can't. It waxes and wanes. I'm PMSing too and if anyone has heard me talk about that time of the month, I'm usually an emotional wreck! hah. Instead of all that emotion being about some guy, now it's about ME. Yikes! Yet another way in which I am newly forced to deal with my own flaws.
t
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gordana
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Post by gordana on Sept 12, 2010 19:58:13 GMT -8
Great thread, I must say. With more people sharing, I realize that what I am going through is normal for us recovered love addicts. Myself including. I know the feeling and purpose hiding behind a guy, it gives me something to do, and makes me feel like I have a life. So far I have only had more problems and pain, in that respect. Now, I have been on my one for 15 months, no poa, and I know that life wants more of me. I still have my job, my children, my friends. I signed up for a post diploma, in daycare management. But I am procrastinating. It is so hard to motivate myself. But if I get that diploma, my life will greatly improve. Financially and in self esteem. But instead i am thinking about a new man. I did that before I married my exh. I was making a decision. Going to graduate school or getting married. I choose marriage, and that was 10 years of chaos, and pain.
I am aware of the fact that I am doing the same thing again, because going back to school is hard. I want to avoid that rough road by getting a guy. But I will be strong and pray to my HP to remove this defect of character, procrastination.
There are so many more things I have passed by like swimming and learning to dance. They all require hard work and self esteem. I have been looking for an escape from improving myself through LA.
Like I said, I am aware of what how I am thinking, but thank God I have found this board and everyone in it, so I can change my thinking pattern. And say "YES" to all the things I want to do.
g
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Post by lacypooh on Sept 13, 2010 20:32:52 GMT -8
Telmita,
Your post was wonderful! Yes the real world is quite scary, & something I have been hiding for all of my adult life.
1.how has love addiction shaped me, not in ways of love or relationships, but in other ways? 2Have I given up on myself in other areas? 3How has that affected my self-esteem, my self-confidence and my belief in my ability to do and achieve things?4. What am I doing to change this part of me?[/]
1a.Oh boy, well I spent 10 years of my life pretending to be someone else ( long story). Also I was too afraid to go away to college so i stayed home & did the one job i knew i could do which was work at a daycare. ( Although I've always wanted to OWN one). I worked that sector for many years but everytime i was given a chance to "move up" i was afraid so i remained an assistant teacher the entire 8 years.
1b. The $ I did make i spent foolishly & although i did finally leave the field, i was still petrified of my next job & scared to pursue my dreams even after i was laid off. Because of the bad $ choices when i had a job, my finances became seriously screwed up & although I'm afraid to , I couldn't move out of my parents house right now if i were ready.
2. I've been so depressed thinking that my life was messed up & i had no idea why. Having no idea why made me feel as though it MAY never change, maybe this was the lot God intended for me( that was my belief) & so I was just simply going to "wait" for God to come & fix everything( without thinking I had a part in it).
3. Ironically I didn't really know i had low self esteem. I was so delusional, i pretty much never accepted any responsibility in the pains of my life, i was simply a victim of circumstances, but now that the blinders are off i know my self esteem was pretty much non- existent, same for my confidence.
4. I'm reading this blog daily, & being grateful that God showed me the light in my situation. I am doing the 12 steps, & working through the self esteem workbook. I ordered some other books which haven't arrived yet, praying more & trying to meditate. Also when i catch myself doing an LA type behavior I stop myself through self talk. Lastly, i'll be setting some goals soon( just have to think about what i really want to accomplish).
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Post by lacypooh on Sept 13, 2010 20:37:05 GMT -8
Angel,
you spoke of untapped potential which made me think of a woman I briefly know who always tells me who much she adores me & loves me. She says th emost wonderful things about me( which most ppl who really know me do) but she & I are associates & hardly around one another so it used to make me very uncomfortable for her to say those things.I know she means it, but all i can say is thank you and very quickly change the subject.
I am so excited about the day when genuine compliments about who i am( & not how i look) won't freak me out!
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gordana
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Post by gordana on Sept 23, 2010 6:53:29 GMT -8
I went to a dance lesson. By myself, I went inside, signed up and joined about 30 other people. I always wanted to be a better dancer, and take lessons. Finally I summoned up the courage. How did I feel?. I felt proud that I went. Very courageous, also. I also felt like a shy little girl, kind of klutzy and uncoordinated. When it was time to partner up and actually dance what we learned, I was frozen. I was standing on the dance floor, waiting for a partner to choose me. And looking around I noticed everyone was partnered up but me. I wanted to disappear, sink into the ground, to just run away. I felt so unloved, unnoticed and soooooo ashamed of myself.
I persisted, and continued practicing by myself. So many things running through my head. I am unattractive, I am incompetent, I was that little girl, who never tried anything new. The only areas in my life were school and boys, and work and men when I grew older. There is so much unrealized potential, it brings tears to my eyes. Now, how can I expect to get a healthy man into my life, when I have no interests. What would we talk about? I need to expand my horizons. I need to grow up. To learn new things outside of my work and home life.
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 26, 2010 4:17:21 GMT -8
Gordana-- Keep going back to dance class! If there's one thing I learned from recovery it's that new things will feel awkward and uncomfortable for us because we only know MEN! But in order to get over that, we need to keep taking risks and relearn something new. Besides, the more you do it, the better it gets! And then, guess what, you own it! |
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hear
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Post by hear on Jun 11, 2011 10:54:39 GMT -8
I am entering withdrawal in ernest for the first time in my life. I am 50. My PoA has been in my life for 25 years. I'm scared, and my solar plexes is jumpy. I fear I can't do it. I fear I will be alone forever. I know this person is not good for me and also that I am not good for him. This is the hardest thing I have ever attempted.
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foolmetwice
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"A star danced, and under that was I born." Shakespeare
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Post by foolmetwice on Jun 11, 2011 16:12:59 GMT -8
You have to remember all the reasons you are here, and stay here and it will get better.
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Post by nvr2late on Jun 12, 2011 8:20:04 GMT -8
I am entering withdrawal in ernest for the first time in my life. I am 50. My PoA has been in my life for 25 years. I'm scared, and my solar plexes is jumpy. I fear I can't do it. I fear I will be alone forever. I know this person is not good for me and also that I am not good for him. This is the hardest thing I have ever attempted. I'm 55, and left my husband after 22 yrs. I was terrified. I was a mess!! If I can do it, you can. Stay here, let these folks help you through the withdrawal. Find some good books on Love Addiction and recovery, spend time in other sections of this forum because there are a lot of good resources for you. Not to mention personal support. Don't keep telling yourself you can't do it. Negative self talk just keeps you stuck. Make up your mind today that you are strong, that you can do it. Just coming here and posting is a huge positive first step. |
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Post by Freetolive on Jun 12, 2011 8:41:01 GMT -8
Don't keep telling yourself you can't do it. Negative self talk just keeps you stuck. Make up your mind today that you are strong, that you can do it. Just coming here and posting is a huge positive first step. Great site about positive thinking. www.positive-way.com/stopping%20your%20inner%20critic.htm |
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Post by nvr2late on Jun 12, 2011 14:03:10 GMT -8
Good one, Free, thanks.
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Post by brainhealth on Jun 12, 2011 16:18:08 GMT -8
lovelyJune:- You forgot your lectures, after suffering a serious whack to your head, after going back to Grad school............ LovelyJune sounds like you were adopting a very professional approach to proactively growing the quality of your life...and you had an unfortunate accident which brought all the stress of your high level activities to the surface.
You are not Superman, you are however a super thinking human being who constantly brings relief to many on this site and you get us to challenge ourselves now and again by revealing some wonderful insightful questions. If I was your student Id be looking forward to your class, I wouldn't be making a complaint about your non-appearance because if your classes are presented the way you post here, your teaching colleagues must envy you. And if they don't , they should. Lovely June, forgive yourself.
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Post by tizzy on Jun 13, 2011 7:28:08 GMT -8
I love this thread!
["Ironically I didn't really know i had low self esteem."]
Oh boy, this was me to a t! For so many years I thought I loved myself just fine and had plenty of healthy self-esteem. Wrong! If I did I wouldn't have let others treat me so badly nor would I have stayed in relationships that were so unhealthy.
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humilianna
Junior Member
When the student is ready, the teacher will appear ~ Buddhist Proverb
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Post by humilianna on Jun 17, 2011 22:15:45 GMT -8
I love this thread. Thank you. Finding this place coincided with a shift in career path. I am now writing, which I love. I have written upwards of 30 proposals since I joined. Crazy busy which has helped. I am so lucky it happened now and not before. But I realized a few weeks ago that it has kept me from working action in la and little slips have crept in. Now I am trying to balance both. I have decided to start over with the steps. But the career change is a blessing.
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Post by loveelleng on Nov 29, 2017 23:46:37 GMT -8
Gordana-- Keep going back to dance class! If there's one thing I learned from recovery it's that new things will feel awkward and uncomfortable for us because we only know MEN! But in order to get over that, we need to keep taking risks and relearn something new. Besides, the more you do it, the better it gets! And then, guess what, you own it! So true and so wonderful |
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and work from there. T
