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Post by LovelyJune on Oct 14, 2008 10:03:05 GMT -8
I've been using my NC as a weapon and today I let go of it. It had been 6 days since I've spoken to him and I asked him not to contact me, despite him being concerned and wanting closure himself. So, I sent him an email today which basically said, I am at peace. Whatever happens organically happens. I harbor no hard feelings etc. And i really don't have hard feelings. In fact, it's almost the opposite. I am numb. Sad. In pain at times, but not angry or focusing on him.
I realize that NC can be used as weapon at times. When you are using it to hurt someone. I wanted to just let all that go.
I can't lie. I still feel some kind of need to connect to him (sometimes I do not want that too). And there is a part of me that feels as though I bought a little of that by sending him a letter. Thing is, i recognize that i still have the same amount of recovery and LIFE to LIVE ahead of me whether i talk to him or not.
i hope i am being sincere with myself. That is ALL i've got these days...
T
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Post by Sobrietythirst on Oct 14, 2008 13:56:05 GMT -8
NC as a weapon...I've never thought about it that way... you seem to be owning up into the fact that you fed yourself a little with the contact but it served a purpose and if you are not disillusioned..
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Post by LovelyJune on Oct 15, 2008 3:05:45 GMT -8
OK so here is where I am this morning:
I sent him the email and he wrote back. His response clarified that he no longer loves me (ouch!) But he was VERY kind-hearted about it and I can't blame him or fault him for his inability to love me. I am soooooooooo glad I broke this NC temporarily as it served to re-affirm that it is a definitive situation and there is no going back. I strongly believe that if you love someone and they leave you, you have the right to go back at least once to really try to make sure the relationship is or isn't over. This was a defining moment for me because it forces me to get real with myself and not get lost in fantasy (wishing) and love songs with lyrics like "I want you back" and "I'm nothing without you" etc.
Those songs and that kind of fantasy do have their place. If, for example, two people split but BOTH mutually want to get back and start trying to work together as a couple again. But fantasy and sappy sad songs have NO PLACE in your life when no one wants you back and the relationship is definitely over.
All this has inspired me to create 10 goals for myself and REALLY begin the work of recovery.
Ironically, i have a funeral to go today. So i will i write these goals for y'all when I get back.
I am actually feeling a sense of relief and happiness today. I have direction. And I have a vague idea where to go and what to do. That's GREAT progress!!!!
T
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Post by Sobrietythirst on Oct 15, 2008 17:13:38 GMT -8
Telmita, you're making so much sense. Sorry about the "ouch" but I'm sure you're aware of your identity and it not being valued by once person  . Sometimes I wish I could have contact with my POA...just one last time...to say all was left to say. To reaffirm the fact that he really never loved me. There is a part of me that still hopes that he will look back one day and say he's sorry and that he wants me back. I even am embarassed to say that I hold out the fanatasy in my head. You have a goal...I'm inspired to get one....to really progress. I've been holding off the steps..but I'm really all my procrasination is simply because of fear. |
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Post by LovelyJune on Oct 16, 2008 4:23:15 GMT -8
I think there's great difficulty sobriety, when you break NC and go back. You really do need clear intentions. When you are doing it to clarify whether the relationship will continue or end you have to ACCEPT the one of two answers you will receive. You have to accept the responsibility of either continuing a relationship or putting closure to that part of your life. That was the challenge set before me. And now it's my job to process the rejection, but NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY (go figure!). I want to take this step because i know holding on too long devalues me.
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Post by estrela5 on Oct 20, 2008 9:49:10 GMT -8
Telmita i have a doubt. can you explaiN what would be NC AS A WEAPON TO HURT SOMEONE? cause i think that in our situation as LA we dont use the nc as a weapon . but ours POAS do. i thought only our poas would use as a weapon cause we starve for contact. we want contact and when they want to hurt us the just ignore us.
would you talk more about this please. i never really thought about me using as a weapon(maybe in his mind he thinks im hurting him with NC as he said to me many times since i started)but as a protection.Not contacting him is not giving him the CHANCE to contact me whetHer he wants or not ANYMORE .i dont use no contact to hurt him but to protect me of being hurt by him with his NC mode. although since i started this NC 2 months ago he keeps texting me saying im hurting him with my silence.
so confusing. lol
thanks T.
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Post by LovelyJune on Oct 20, 2008 11:45:15 GMT -8
hmm...this is a tough one. When we do not acknowledge the presence of someone or ignore them, we can hurt them-- especially if they love us or if they NEED us to supply your ego. You always have to try and determine WHICH is your case. If you need to maintain NC to protect yourself so that you do not hurt, do so. But if you are merely ignoring the other person just so that they feel pain, you might want to let it go and break NC (unless they start to abuse this, keep contacting you and thus, confuse you and hurt you further). It's a VERY fine line and you need to be extra strong in yourself to break NC as a means of COMPASSION for the other person.
My only advice is be CLEAR in your intentions.
Adding to this post I will say that my ex and i have continued to write emails and he's even suggested going out to dinner (possibly feels safe to ask now that I told him that I'm OK and that i welcome him as a friend in my life). But this is crossing the line (my line). Sure...i will be friends with him someday. But not any time soon. Having contact with your PoA or ex also means having the ability to hold on to what is best for YOU. The reason we promote NC so much is because so many of us fall a part in the presence of our PoAs (including me!).
I hope this helps.
T
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Post by Judy on Oct 20, 2008 16:22:07 GMT -8
Well, I'll chime in here. As I have read on the board, NC has to be different things to different people sometimes. If one shares children, or property, or something legitimate that requires contact, then in order to stay healthy I think a love addict would have to work out a plan with a sponsor, or other recovering love addict, about how to deal with their POA. I think that's called limited contact.
I have that right now in my life with my last POA because I see him often at the organization that we work for. I am pleasant, as is he. I say "Hello" as does he. But I don't engage. I can't. Because it is a slippery slope for me. It would mean nothing to him, because I meant nothing to him. But it could open up my heart again and I cannot afford that.
So "Hello" it has to be and that is it.
Years ago in the think of our addictive relationship I would withhold and ignore him out of anger and hurt. I would do this for an effect - not out of protection for myself. I think that's what people mean by using NC as a weapon. I wanted this guys attention no matter what - even if it was negative. And he HATED being ignored. So we'd do our little dance.
Today I practice limited contact as a way to be mature and protect myself. Not to hurt or get some kind of effect.
Hey, I'm Irish. We're pros at this. We call it giving someone the silent treatment. It's awful. I know - I grew up with it.
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Post by estrela5 on Oct 21, 2008 11:02:46 GMT -8
Telmita and Judy thanks for the post.
they clarified the line between nc as a weapon and as a protection.
i know if i stop NC cause he feels hurt , he will do it to me so. i think between me and my ex poa is about who takes the first step. So im pretty sure i will keep the NC cause he is a seductive withholder and probably is waiting me to break my NC MODE to then star doing the same to me. and im sure i would not be able to deal with him ignoring me again. so i prefer to be the one who not answer his calls or reply his texts no matter how much he says he is sad about being ignored. he did that to me so many times and when i say many times i really mean it. he never cared about my tears or my pain. or about all the love i had inside to give for him.
i mean, i know im hurting him with my NC MODE but actually i dont think his pain is really honest. he is just bothered cause he lost his control over me and also is trying to get my attention back and start ignoring me. Not anymore. i really didnt mean to hurt him with this but i cant deal with breaking NC and being ignored.
im doing pretty good right now being alone and missing in his eyes.
thanks girls
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Post by Judy on Oct 22, 2008 9:08:57 GMT -8
Hi estrela5. I don't know this man from a hole in the wall, but from your description of him, I would wager that the only thing that's hurting is his pride.
As they days go by don't you feel better about yourself having made the decision to maintain NC? I feel, for me, like it's taking back control. And I lacked all self control with my last POA.
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Post by bungabali on Oct 22, 2008 10:00:54 GMT -8
Everyone's situation is different but for me NC is very important. I had thought for a long while that I wanted to contact him to get "closure" but that would have meant doing a google search to track him down and I just didn't want to start down that road. I've sent him emails, which he has not responded to. (last email was six months ago). So for me no contact means regaining my dignity and everyday of no contact my self esteem is increased. I also get increased self esteem when I don't indulge in fantasizing. I still have memories pop in my head, but I don't feel anything anymore and I work on redirecting my mind when these memories come up.
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Post by loveelleng on Nov 30, 2017 7:15:23 GMT -8
I've been using my NC as a weapon and today I let go of it. It had been 6 days since I've spoken to him and I asked him not to contact me, despite him being concerned and wanting closure himself. So, I sent him an email today which basically said, I am at peace. Whatever happens organically happens. I harbor no hard feelings etc. And i really don't have hard feelings. In fact, it's almost the opposite. I am numb. Sad. In pain at times, but not angry or focusing on him. I realize that NC can be used as weapon at times. When you are using it to hurt someone. I wanted to just let all that go. I can't lie. I still feel some kind of need to connect to him (sometimes I do not want that too). And there is a part of me that feels as though I bought a little of that by sending him a letter. Thing is, i recognize that i still have the same amount of recovery and LIFE to LIVE ahead of me whether i talk to him or not. i hope i am being sincere with myself. That is ALL i've got these days... T NC as a weapon when life need fight. NC is best weapon because it totally ignore......in chiense tranditiaon Taoz" no fight, already win" |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2017 7:33:43 GMT -8
NC as a weapon when life need fight. NC is best weapon because it totally ignore......in chiense tranditiaon Taoz" no fight, already win" |
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. Sometimes I wish I could have contact with my POA...just one last time...to say all was left to say. To reaffirm the fact that he really never loved me. There is a part of me that still hopes that he will look back one day and say he's sorry and that he wants me back. I even am embarassed to say that I hold out the fanatasy in my head. You have a goal...I'm inspired to get one....to really progress. I've been holding off the steps..but I'm really all my procrasination is simply because of fear. 
