|
|
Post by LovelyJune on Apr 16, 2008 6:53:38 GMT -8
Something i learned and wanted to pass on:
Since my recovery has begun I have noticed a strange phenomenon. Some of my new behavior patterns do not feel comfortable or natural. They feel plain old odd. And i can tell i want to revert back to the old way of doing things. But then I realized, OF COURSE THEY FEEL ODD AND WEIRD! I am a love addict. I have adopted negative patterns of behavior and bad ways of doing things. Even though my habits are bad and not good for me, they are comfortable and familiar and because I have been acting out in negative ways for so long, it feels NATURAL to me to do so.
Changing behavior from bad to good-- even though it's in a good direction-- will feel unnatural until you keep repeating the good behavior and VALUE it.
Example: my normal behavior pattern is to go running back to G for comfort, even though i am in a current relationship. I might have a problem that i think cannot be resolved in my current relationship so i immediately think to run away and go back to G. I will get drama and support from G immediately. I know this. And it feels good. Of course, after a month of his being super cool and nice, all will revert back to me being avoided and neglected. And I'll be miserable again.
My not-so-normal behavior is to accept the wash of emotions that come over me when I am confused or insecure about my new relationship, to write them down and wait them out and to take some time off from seeing my new bf so that i can calm myself and understand what's going on. This taking time off, even if only for one day, feels VERY strange to me. HOWEVER, it is much healthier than the alternative.
So...my point is...recovery will feel a little strange at times. Not calling G will feel WEIRD, like i'm not solving my problems. But that's a trick of junkie thinking. Do not give up! The more you keep repeating good patterns of behavior, the more you are able to erase old, outmoded, destructive ones!
T
|
|
Chrissy
Junior Member
Newcomer Greeter
Posts: 75
|
Post by Chrissy on Apr 16, 2008 13:14:22 GMT -8
I can very much relate to this...we spoke all the time, that is the one thing that hurts so bad..we talked on the phone at least three times a day and then bam nothing..
There are times when I feel like it takes all I have not to call him or e-mail, every ounce of energy to fight off not calling, its sick.
I hate feeling like that what I hate more is that he is nor calling me..
So yes it is odd and weird and I dont' get it.
|
|
|
|
Post by jonny on Apr 16, 2008 14:44:57 GMT -8
I dont suppose we need to understand THEM we just need to except that they are different from us and thats that !!! we will never understand them because they think different and thats that and thats why EXCEPTANCE is the KEY word and for us to give up on them and get ourselves happy and healthy and MOVE on !!!
After all if it was important to them they would call or contact us some how and show they cared ..but they dont so there it is for us all to except !!!!
And learn not to let it hurt us !!! We have to toughen up !!!
She even told me that including you must move on !!!
jonny xxx
|
|
|
|
Post by LovelyJune on Apr 16, 2008 15:10:20 GMT -8
So right Jonny....ACCEPTANCE is the key.
T
|
|
|
|
Post by beehappy on Apr 16, 2008 19:11:16 GMT -8
I am working hard on this. I have been in a tailspin as of late. We had cell phones together. He changed providers and turned off my phone. I was devastated. It is crazy I know. The phone has been one of my tools of addiction. I had just gotten to the point of not carrying it with me and not checking it for txt messages. I had felt that I had accomplish something. I was being less obsessive. Now I have no direct line to him. I still have his phone number and I am trying very hard not to contact him. I did end up calling today using my own phone. He was pleasant and told me he loved me and all. Then he pointed out that on his myspace account girls would send him videos of themselves asking to be added as his friend. It bothered me so. He bought a webcam for himself and one for me a couple of months ago. Now I wonder who else he is videoing himself for. I don't want to know. I want this to be gone. I want to not care at all. I am recovering from surgery so I am stuck at home with my brain and all this. If I could just get out and get involved with some other stuff. That was how I was able to ween myself down to very limited contact. I want to do the no contact because I am really pretty sure I am not special to him and that he is just a narcissistic attention hog. He is a SW and I want to be cured of him!!!
|
|
|
|
Post by jonny on Apr 16, 2008 22:58:37 GMT -8
The phone text are very addictive waiting for the reply etc checking your phone all the time..at first when they stop its murder the pain till eventially you can put it in the draw away from sight and not carry it with you !!! which is very hard but a must !!!
Im into 5 months now and i still check the mobile in the draw i used to contact her on its mad but very powerfle the pull to it the last drops of hope ......all part of the recovery !!!
jonny xxx
|
|
|
|
Post by LovelyJune on Apr 17, 2008 3:18:45 GMT -8
You know, it's wonderful that we are all so easy to contact now through phones, cell phones, text, e-mail etc. AND YET, it's a NIGHTMARE to a love addict. Instead of one method of contact, we obsess over ten! It's too much for our brains to handle. Too many electronic devices we have to AVOID when it comes to breaking up.
BeeHappy: Stay focused and be realistic about the messages you receive from him. Even though he says "I love you" that means nothing in the face of his actions. If he's using videos to seek out other women then he is interested in dating. IGNORE the other women and instead stay focused and committed to your definition of LOVE and what it means:
When someone loves you they want to be with you. They don't seek out other women. They call. They listen to you and they care. They are good. Love is EASY. There is no reading between the lines. When someone loves you, YOU KNOW IT. Love is not a guessing game.
be strong!
T
|
|
|
|
Post by jonny on Apr 17, 2008 3:38:35 GMT -8
love is completely UNCONDITIONAL !!!!
jonny xxx
|
|
|
|
Post by LovelyJune on Apr 17, 2008 4:06:37 GMT -8
I have a theory about that jonny...
Love IS unconditional from parent to child, possibly from brother to sister etc. But is NOT unconditional in adult relationships and one of the reasons we love addicts get into so much trouble. Loving unconditionally to me means if you commit a heinous crime and go to prison, I still love and ACCEPT you. If this happens to my son, there is no doubt that i will be angry, but i will still love and accept him.
But if my lover did this or if my lover beat me or hurt me, should I still love him unconditionally? No. I have a choice. Why should i ACCEPT bad behavior in my life when i have a choice? My choice is to love you but under certain conditions. They are:
1. that you love me back
2. that you treat me with love, kindness and respect
3. that you do not hurt me or others in your life
4. that you have similar conditions and expectations of me.
When you live your life according to these "conditions" it's easy to find others that share your same conditions. But love unconditionally is reserved for God and your children.
One last comment: i suppose you could still love someone unconditionally, but you simply do not accept or tolerate bad behavior. Still....it's all one in the same to me.
Just my opinion!
T
|
|
|
|
Post by jonny on Apr 17, 2008 9:20:18 GMT -8
Hi Telmita
The 4 conditions you have listed are all the natural things you would expect from someone who loves you they are not conditions they are all part is love....a condition is something that they expect for doing you a favour meaning they dont do it unless there is something in it for them !!! that is the condition meaning for instance : if you dont do that for me i wont do that for you !!! you see what i mean !!! expecting something in return !!! you should just do it for each other unconditionally !!!
Also the bad things you relate to are not things you would expect from someone who loves you anyway. They are all faults somone would have in there personallity so if you suddenly got to know them you would have to question there love for you and decide if you still love them with these faults.
Hope i have explained what i mean ??
This is my understanding !!!
This word has also been given to me form several professional councillors and even a life style help hypnotist all used this same word unconditional maybe its because my relationship was full of conditions from both of us and i now know this is a very toxic and unhealthy relationship it surtainly made me ill also because i was in a relationship with a S/W .
jonny xxx
|
|
|
|
Post by LovelyJune on Apr 19, 2008 14:14:17 GMT -8
Good point jonny-- but the trouble with that is that Love Addicts seldom have Requirements or Conditions (or even Values!) before they enter into a relationship. So often, we tend to fantasize and believe that we can date anyone and as long as we will love them, they will love us back, unconditionally. To love unconditionally means that I love you for who you are, no matter what you do or say. If you treat me badly, I STILL LOVE YOU. This is what is meant (to me) by unconditional love. I love you WITH your flaws.
So many love addicts stay in bad relationships because they believe they are supposed to love their mate unconditionally, despite receiving nothing in return and being treated badly. But this is NOT ACCEPTABLE. Love has conditions and we should NEVER assume or "expect" that we will automatically be treated well UNLESS we have requirements and conditions that we have set for ourselves that say "this is how I expect to be treated..."
HOWEVER, i do see your what you mean, jonny. That eventually, you want to get to a point where being loved is not so much a condition as much as it is a given. But we are love addicts and many of us (like me!) still need to view the world as a place that does not give us anything for free unless we demand it of ourselves and others.
peace!
T
|
|
|
|
Post by jonny on Apr 19, 2008 15:11:26 GMT -8
good points telmita
Yes i believe we both have some good points we have offered each other. Yes as i understand it every human being only does things with a motive. So i suppose we are surching for as many good motives as posible. When you love some one unconditionally faults and all its usually because everybody has some faults so you learn to live with them.
But like you say as love a addict most of the things i put up with in my 2 yr relationship i would not normally have put up with it for weeks never mind 2 yrs but little did i know as first of all i was a love addict and secondly what massive affect a S/W would have on me and my personallity...
I have been infatualted a few time in my life and know it goes but with a S/H you cant believe how addicted it made me it really scared me that it would never go..One of the best things i read by Susan Peabody...that made me laugh it should have made me cry was being a love addict with S/W which causes a toxic bad relationship is and i quote :: like holding on to an electric wire you know its killing you but you cant let go ....
wow is that true .........the pain and hurt the attchment hunger the abnormal jealousy the addiction the disfunctional immotions the list is endless to want to be with this person who is hurting you so much i must have been quite mad. And another i read was because the S/W was ill with ME i now know i got pity and sympathy confused with love wanting to help her .
jonny xxx
|
|
|
|
Post by Rainbows Always on Apr 27, 2008 12:40:53 GMT -8
I agree with both of your points. But I have to say my love with next guy has to be conditional because I am a love addict and because (previously)I will love not matter what.
Next time I will be discerning, (I hope) I will have conditions. I used to do the whole "limerance" thing and fall totally in love with EVERYTHING he was and every flaw he or any of them showed.
This time I'm over the "temporary blinding" effects of limerance. I will not let limerance blind me and my love will be conditional.
Or perhaps I could turn it around and say - this time I will decide to fall in love when I am ready and when I have evaluated the r'ship (not when limerance makes me feel like Im ready) There have to be certains conditions in that r'ship met before I will committ myself to him.
Then after the APPROPRIATE time of dating/courting/buidling a foundation ie mths getting to know one another, making sure we are compatible FIRST, making sure it is a healthy r'ship that WE ARE BOTH COMMITTED to ...........then my love for him as a person will be unconditional, as it will be built on mutal respect.
My love would be unconditional until the r'ship took a dive and he started to display negative behaviours that were not evident when we were building up that foundation. Anything neglectful or abusive outside of what I would tolerate, would then be conditional of my love.
In short.....I would terminate the r'ship if it didnt stop.
This is my plan for the next one whenever that will be.
Interesting topic, thx guys
rainbows
|
|
|
|
Post by jonny on Apr 27, 2008 13:34:47 GMT -8
rainbow
Yes i agree with you the conditions you are setting are on your self before and whilst in the early stages of a possible future relationship and i agree you are correct about your self and then when you are both ready to commit to each other it can be then that you love each other unconditionaly !!
Yes the limmerence you speak of i have always called it infatuation having never entered a relationship trying to avoid it i would say its not going to be easy but i agree you need to do it if you can !!
My daughter is getting married nexy May and i was talking to her today about infatuation and she asked me to explain what it was and she replied i have never had it my feelings for Mark her boyfriend have just grown and grown the more she has lived with him !!.............. how wonderfle i thought !!
jonny xxx
|
|
