SOme of the most important things I've learned about LA is from this board, from Susan's book and from simple life experience. Here are a few:
1. Love addiction ain't about love. An addiction, of virtually any kind, is a defense mechanism we use to help us deal with our fears and pain. An addiction keeps us safe from the unknown and keeps us grounded. At least, that's what we believe.
2. Your PoA MAY indeed love you. But again, it's not about whether he loves you or not, it's about HOW he loves you. My PoA loved me very much. But he also smoked pot and neglected me. When you have self-esteem and confidence enough to know you deserve better, you will see that it's not whether he loves you or not, but what YOU want from a relationship and HOW you want to be loved.
3. Just because you were abused or neglected by one parent or two during your childhood doesn't mean you need to seek that same faulty routine out as an adult. You didn't have a choice when you were a child. Those were your parents. That's what you were given. You do have a CHOICE now. Use it.
4. A large part of recovery is simply growing up. Quit treating yourself so badly. Quit allowing people to sh*t on you. You are an adult now. Part of being grown up is to act like an adult and have respect for yourself.
5. Your addiction to your PoA is not really about your PoA. You can spend YEARS analyzing his/her behavior and the only good that will amount to is that you'll make a great therapist someday. Thing is, you will have wasted those years on him or her when you could have been figuring out yourself instead. STOP MAKING YOUR RECOVERY ABOUT THE POA. You are wasting your time. That's not recovery. That's repeating your pattern of addiction.
6. Any addiction can be treated the same when it comes to recovery. Apply what you may have learned in AA, NA or quitting a habit as simple (not really!) as smoking cigarettes to LAA. Remember your PoA is just a manifestation of your addiction and insecurity.
7. Learn how to assign value to good behavior and assign NO value to bad behavior. If you are being pinged, assign NO VALUE to it. Instead, assign a higher value to the strength it took you to turn away and ignore the ping. This is very hard to do. But a great tool for breaking bad habits.
8. Your situation as bad as it is now, will not change or get better until YOU fight your addiction.
9. NC is useless if you are still fantasizing incessantly about your PoA.
10. You need time alone to heal, to recover, to know yourself. No two ways about it. You don't want to hear that. But it's true.