The initial post was so appreciated. Definetly a great reminder list to refer to throughout recovery. Oh & I would like to officially announce myself IN Recovery. :-D Yep, it's true. I have made the decision to use the 12 steps, this site, the AA big book & permitted sit down meetings as my sources to get through this & recovery. The biggest thing I've done to START my recovery is pledge NO CONTACT!!
Sure he wont talk to me, he must be recovered...but it was me that would not give up attempts to contact him & that what led to feeling painfully horrible & not productive in my life...
SO I have 12 hours of no contact & wooo hooo, here we go!! Time to walk through the withdrawals...as long as it takes!! (that cheer was inpired by #7)
Thanks to this site I finally have belief WE can do this & I can do it too!
I think the steps, the withdrawal, the pain, the work will be worth it in the end for all of us. I have a friend in AA going through the 12 steps and she has shown so much growth. Its amazing to see it right in front of my eyes. She shocks me everyday with her insight. She was one who seemed hopelessly addicted to alcohol.
We have an addiction of a different kind and I'm hopeful that I will have the same results. Hopefully you will too.
SOme of the most important things I've learned about LA is from this board, from Susan's book and from simple life experience. Here are a few:
1. Love addiction ain't about love. An addiction, of virtually any kind, is a defense mechanism we use to help us deal with our fears and pain. An addiction keeps us safe from the unknown and keeps us grounded. At least, that's what we believe.
2. Your PoA MAY indeed love you. But again, it's not about whether he loves you or not, it's about HOW he loves you. My PoA loved me very much. But he also smoked pot and neglected me. When you have self-esteem and confidence enough to know you deserve better, you will see that it's not whether he loves you or not, but what YOU want from a relationship and HOW you want to be loved.
3. Just because you were abused or neglected by one parent or two during your childhood doesn't mean you need to seek that same faulty routine out as an adult. You didn't have a choice when you were a child. Those were your parents. That's what you were given. You do have a CHOICE now. Use it.
4. A large part of recovery is simply growing up. Quit treating yourself so badly. Quit allowing people to sh*t on you. You are an adult now. Part of being grown up is to act like an adult and have respect for yourself.
5. Your addiction to your PoA is not really about your PoA. You can spend YEARS analyzing his/her behavior and the only good that will amount to is that you'll make a great therapist someday. Thing is, you will have wasted those years on him or her when you could have been figuring out yourself instead. STOP MAKING YOUR RECOVERY ABOUT THE POA. You are wasting your time. That's not recovery. That's repeating your pattern of addiction.
6. Any addiction can be treated the same when it comes to recovery. Apply what you may have learned in AA, NA or quitting a habit as simple (not really!) as smoking cigarettes to LAA. Remember your PoA is just a manifestation of your addiction and insecurity.
7. Learn how to assign value to good behavior and assign NO value to bad behavior. If you are being pinged, assign NO VALUE to it. Instead, assign a higher value to the strength it took you to turn away and ignore the ping. This is very hard to do. But a great tool for breaking bad habits.
8. Your situation as bad as it is now, will not change or get better until YOU fight your addiction.
9. NC is useless if you are still fantasizing incessantly about your PoA.
10. You need time alone to heal, to recover, to know yourself. No two ways about it. You don't want to hear that. But it's true.
Can you talk a bit more about #7?
Last Edit: Feb 1, 2018 0:46:50 GMT -8 by Deleted: cleaned up quote? If I made a mistake tell me. I think this is what you were asking...
SOme of the most important things I've learned about LA is from this board, from Susan's book and from simple life experience. Here are a few: ... 7. Learn how to assign value to good behavior and assign NO value to bad behavior. If you are being pinged, assign NO VALUE to it. Instead, assign a higher value to the strength it took you to turn away and ignore the ping. This is very hard to do. But a great tool for breaking bad habits.
Can you talk a bit more about #7?
I miss June, she had some kind of bad reaction to my depressive episode that she's been in absentia for a little while. She could probably express it better than me, I hope you don't mind if I take a stab at it. I hope she comes around to straighten me out if I get this wrong.
Behaviorally speaking, you have to associate reward with the goals that your rational mind sets. If you know, with your rational ego, that contact will result in yet another degrading and futile effort, your behavior needs to be consistent with that consequence in mind.
In other words, one must provide incentive to the desired behavior (No Contact). If you are in the process of breaking off communication, reward yourself for abstaining from returning a text, or sending an e-mail. It doesn't have to be much, a bit of chocolate or something. Or, better, you can assign a daily token system to redeem at your personal store. 5 tokens for a hot bath, pamper yourself a little. ... you could put quarters in a swear jar to add a punishment for cursing, but June knows positive reinforcement is stronger. You have to make it specific though, reward yourself based on time increments.
What is even more powerful is reinforcing another new behavior while diminishing an old behavior. If you want to be fit, give yourself a token for going to the gym or doing your daily exercises. You will be advancing the development of a new, better behavior while becoming way to busy to engage in old behaviors (obsessing, fantasy, drama, ect.)
It really helps to have an accountability partner to monitor progress. Thinking on a larger scale, perhaps plan on a special event or vacation if you achieve your larger goal (maybe NC for 1 year). You don't have to tell people why you are cooking a nice dinner for friends... you can just celebrate something you worked for in a way that gives you pleasure.
Post by Susan Peabody on Feb 1, 2018 10:39:02 GMT -8
June was too judgmental about you. She didn't like the 12-Step model or Christians. She was also starting her own career as a writer and needed to move on. I contacted her and asked to come back but I have not heard from her. I think she did not believe in spirituality as a component of recovery and so we did not see eye to eye. But we have several boards with her wisdom which she left for us to ponder. I think it was that you two were not compatible and that is important.
I think June was spot on about a great many things about me. She prompted a behavioral approach when I was in the middle of writing sonnets...
I enjoy tilling the rocky soil of my own compressed psyche. June, not so much. She is an excellent writer that has an immense stream of content. She gave me a lot to react to which was growth provoking. She was very concerned about growth and had a self improvement based definition of growth. Sometimes I grow in circles, sometimes I grow downward, sometimes up, I'm trying not to grow outward...