Post by bdzc on Jan 10, 2012 18:28:47 GMT -8
Hi everybody!
I've been having a rough, rough week, probably the lowest I have felt in a long time. I broke NC by checking my POA's facebook profile and then stumbling upon his twitters...on the positive side, I'm adamant on maintaining NC from now on, I think the pain I'm feeling now may finally kill any expectation or hope for him and I being together.
Also, I suffer from depression and my psychiatrist and I decided to change the drug treatment, about two weeks ago. So maybe that has been a factor in my emotional turmoil (although last week I was feeling fine).
How have I felt this week? Desperate and out of control. One minute I'm a bit blue, the next I'm crying my eyes out
I feel like I've hit rock bottom, finally I'm feeling that I can't keep dealing with falling for guys who won't or can't give me what I want; I can't keep up with this unhealthy behavior and mentality because it's literally eating me up: I've lost a lot of weight, and I feel like I'm being consumed from the inside.
But I've also learned some things...
I asked myself, honestly: do I love this guy? I mean, sure, I like him as more than a friend...but do I really have deep feelings towards him in particular, that would justify the measure of my pain? Or is it more that I cling to the idea of having a partner? If someone else came and declared his unconditional love for me, would I turn that person down because I can only think of being with POA?
The answer is NO, I wouldn't turn someone down because I'm still attached to POA. It's not a clear no yet, but it made me realize that maybe, as hard as it is to admit it, it's not about me feeling something for someone in particular but about me being afraid and lonely and craving for the love and affection I imagine a boyfriend can give.
It's a bittersweet realization though. There's still a part of me that cringes at the thought of admitting that my feelings might not be real, that I might be as insensible and inconsiderate as I think my POA is. Maybe this is all in my mind. But hey (here comes the sweet part) if it is, then I can get rid of it, at least of the negative feelings which are holding me back from starting a productive journey of self discovery and improvement.
I want to share this blog entry written by Saran Nean Bruce and taken from tinnybuddha.com.
I think I have lived in fear most of my romantic life and I'm tired of that...I think I deserve to have love and to give love too!
I've been having a rough, rough week, probably the lowest I have felt in a long time. I broke NC by checking my POA's facebook profile and then stumbling upon his twitters...on the positive side, I'm adamant on maintaining NC from now on, I think the pain I'm feeling now may finally kill any expectation or hope for him and I being together.
Also, I suffer from depression and my psychiatrist and I decided to change the drug treatment, about two weeks ago. So maybe that has been a factor in my emotional turmoil (although last week I was feeling fine).
How have I felt this week? Desperate and out of control. One minute I'm a bit blue, the next I'm crying my eyes out
I feel like I've hit rock bottom, finally I'm feeling that I can't keep dealing with falling for guys who won't or can't give me what I want; I can't keep up with this unhealthy behavior and mentality because it's literally eating me up: I've lost a lot of weight, and I feel like I'm being consumed from the inside.
But I've also learned some things...
I asked myself, honestly: do I love this guy? I mean, sure, I like him as more than a friend...but do I really have deep feelings towards him in particular, that would justify the measure of my pain? Or is it more that I cling to the idea of having a partner? If someone else came and declared his unconditional love for me, would I turn that person down because I can only think of being with POA?
The answer is NO, I wouldn't turn someone down because I'm still attached to POA. It's not a clear no yet, but it made me realize that maybe, as hard as it is to admit it, it's not about me feeling something for someone in particular but about me being afraid and lonely and craving for the love and affection I imagine a boyfriend can give.
It's a bittersweet realization though. There's still a part of me that cringes at the thought of admitting that my feelings might not be real, that I might be as insensible and inconsiderate as I think my POA is. Maybe this is all in my mind. But hey (here comes the sweet part) if it is, then I can get rid of it, at least of the negative feelings which are holding me back from starting a productive journey of self discovery and improvement.
I want to share this blog entry written by Saran Nean Bruce and taken from tinnybuddha.com.
LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL (fear is conditional)
LOVE IS STRONG (fear is weak)
LOVE RELEASES (fear obligates)
LOVE SURRENDERS (fear binds)
LOVE IS HONEST (fear is deceitful)
LOVE TRUSTS (fear suspects)
LOVE ALLOWS (fear dictates)
LOVE GIVES (fear resists)
LOVE FORGIVES (fear blames)
LOVE IS COMPASSIONATE (fear pities)
LOVE CHOOSES (fear avoids)
LOVE IS KIND (fear is angry)
LOVE IGNITES (fear incites)
LOVE EMBRACES (fear repudiates)
LOVE CREATES (fear negates)
LOVE HEALS (fear hurts)
LOVE IS MAGIC (fear is superstitious)
LOVE ENERGIZES (fear saps)
LOVE IS AN ELIXIR (fear is a poison)
LOVE INSPIRES (fear worries)
LOVE DESIRES (fear Joneses)
LOVE IS PATIENT (fear is nervous)
LOVE IS BRAVE (fear is afraid)
LOVE IS RELAXED (fear is pressured)
LOVE IS BLIND (fear is judgmental)
LOVE RESPECTS (fear disregards)
LOVE ACCEPTS (fear rejects)
LOVE DREAMS (fear schemes)
LOVE WANTS TO PLAY (fear needs to control)
LOVE ENJOYS (fear suffers)
LOVE FREES (fear imprisons)
LOVE BELIEVES (fear deceives)
LOVE “WANTS” (fear “needs”)
LOVE versus fear: what do you feel?
LOVE IS STRONG (fear is weak)
LOVE RELEASES (fear obligates)
LOVE SURRENDERS (fear binds)
LOVE IS HONEST (fear is deceitful)
LOVE TRUSTS (fear suspects)
LOVE ALLOWS (fear dictates)
LOVE GIVES (fear resists)
LOVE FORGIVES (fear blames)
LOVE IS COMPASSIONATE (fear pities)
LOVE CHOOSES (fear avoids)
LOVE IS KIND (fear is angry)
LOVE IGNITES (fear incites)
LOVE EMBRACES (fear repudiates)
LOVE CREATES (fear negates)
LOVE HEALS (fear hurts)
LOVE IS MAGIC (fear is superstitious)
LOVE ENERGIZES (fear saps)
LOVE IS AN ELIXIR (fear is a poison)
LOVE INSPIRES (fear worries)
LOVE DESIRES (fear Joneses)
LOVE IS PATIENT (fear is nervous)
LOVE IS BRAVE (fear is afraid)
LOVE IS RELAXED (fear is pressured)
LOVE IS BLIND (fear is judgmental)
LOVE RESPECTS (fear disregards)
LOVE ACCEPTS (fear rejects)
LOVE DREAMS (fear schemes)
LOVE WANTS TO PLAY (fear needs to control)
LOVE ENJOYS (fear suffers)
LOVE FREES (fear imprisons)
LOVE BELIEVES (fear deceives)
LOVE “WANTS” (fear “needs”)
LOVE versus fear: what do you feel?
I think I have lived in fear most of my romantic life and I'm tired of that...I think I deserve to have love and to give love too!