Post by puertas13 on Nov 18, 2008 11:46:49 GMT -8
Hi all,
I haven't posted on this board in a couple of weeks. Truth is, I've just been pulling on my other tools and resources, but I wanted to share something that's interesting and also get your thoughts.
I am in a relationship that's codependent and 2 weeks ago, we started having talks - real, open and honest talks. I'm on my 9th step in recovery, which is probably what burst the flood gates open. When we were at our worst, there was someone she turned to at work, (supposedly just emotionally) and when I asked if she still has feelings, she said, "I'm not going to say there's absolutely nothing there." I fell apart and it was then that perhaps she "got back at me" officially for my controlling codependence during the relationship because it was after I fell apart that her whole demeanor changed. She became loving, affectionate and said she didn't want a relationship with this person and she loved me. Then she took off on a business trip.
She has text me several times. The last text was 10 days ago and I responded that while I love her very much and that this is an important time, that I really needed some time with no contact to sort through my feelings about all of this. She said she'd respect that. So, we've had no contact for 10 days.
I can't tell you all how arduous this has been, but how freakin' necessary. I have been through the gamut these last 10 days. It's been a fast moving train and I'm in a different city every day. The key to this is that it forced me to isolate the fears and trace them back to their origin. I've been reading Tolle's "The Power of Now" along with 6 other books, 3 audiobooks, meditating twice a day, attending meetings regularly, working with my therapist, calling my coda list... you name it, I've done it and I've made it my part time job every day. I had been doing all of those things before these last 10 days but more often now.
I have two concerns and I hope someone can help shed a little light. One is that I was able to isolate my fears about the relationship, my addiction and abandonment and now, what's interesting is that I noticed that it's NOT the obsessive thoughts about her that trigger the anxiety, it's the anxiety that makes fertile ground for the obsessive thoughts! This was very important to realize. So every day, I observe the anxiety, I notice it has nothing to do with her, everything to do with me and my internal past/fears and i try to embrace/accept it as is. Sometimes I'm successful at removing the anxiety for a while, sometimes it's overwhelming. Has anyone else experienced this? I'm talking about the experience of KNOWING the anxiety is yours alone and managing it effectively? And do you use medication?
Second concern: part of what's made this NC period easier is that she's been out of town off and on. She returns for 2 days on Sunday and is gone again for the holidays. Part of me wants to end the NC period on Sunday to see if we should talk. The other part of me that's been nurturing myself says, "run away." Part of that has to do with... and here's the kicker.... one of the people on this business trip with her is the one she had that "emotional" thing with. So of course, my fear is that what if they got closer and what does that mean for us? Did she use that time to sort through us or did she ignore it and ... well, you know where the mind can go with that. I need to do what's best for ME, but I'm not sure what to do. I know she will call me Sunday to say she's back for a while, but part of me wants to maintain NC. Part of me knows that we need to settle this. The other part wants to run.
thanks for letting me share this...
Jules
I haven't posted on this board in a couple of weeks. Truth is, I've just been pulling on my other tools and resources, but I wanted to share something that's interesting and also get your thoughts.
I am in a relationship that's codependent and 2 weeks ago, we started having talks - real, open and honest talks. I'm on my 9th step in recovery, which is probably what burst the flood gates open. When we were at our worst, there was someone she turned to at work, (supposedly just emotionally) and when I asked if she still has feelings, she said, "I'm not going to say there's absolutely nothing there." I fell apart and it was then that perhaps she "got back at me" officially for my controlling codependence during the relationship because it was after I fell apart that her whole demeanor changed. She became loving, affectionate and said she didn't want a relationship with this person and she loved me. Then she took off on a business trip.
She has text me several times. The last text was 10 days ago and I responded that while I love her very much and that this is an important time, that I really needed some time with no contact to sort through my feelings about all of this. She said she'd respect that. So, we've had no contact for 10 days.
I can't tell you all how arduous this has been, but how freakin' necessary. I have been through the gamut these last 10 days. It's been a fast moving train and I'm in a different city every day. The key to this is that it forced me to isolate the fears and trace them back to their origin. I've been reading Tolle's "The Power of Now" along with 6 other books, 3 audiobooks, meditating twice a day, attending meetings regularly, working with my therapist, calling my coda list... you name it, I've done it and I've made it my part time job every day. I had been doing all of those things before these last 10 days but more often now.
I have two concerns and I hope someone can help shed a little light. One is that I was able to isolate my fears about the relationship, my addiction and abandonment and now, what's interesting is that I noticed that it's NOT the obsessive thoughts about her that trigger the anxiety, it's the anxiety that makes fertile ground for the obsessive thoughts! This was very important to realize. So every day, I observe the anxiety, I notice it has nothing to do with her, everything to do with me and my internal past/fears and i try to embrace/accept it as is. Sometimes I'm successful at removing the anxiety for a while, sometimes it's overwhelming. Has anyone else experienced this? I'm talking about the experience of KNOWING the anxiety is yours alone and managing it effectively? And do you use medication?
Second concern: part of what's made this NC period easier is that she's been out of town off and on. She returns for 2 days on Sunday and is gone again for the holidays. Part of me wants to end the NC period on Sunday to see if we should talk. The other part of me that's been nurturing myself says, "run away." Part of that has to do with... and here's the kicker.... one of the people on this business trip with her is the one she had that "emotional" thing with. So of course, my fear is that what if they got closer and what does that mean for us? Did she use that time to sort through us or did she ignore it and ... well, you know where the mind can go with that. I need to do what's best for ME, but I'm not sure what to do. I know she will call me Sunday to say she's back for a while, but part of me wants to maintain NC. Part of me knows that we need to settle this. The other part wants to run.
thanks for letting me share this...
Jules
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