Post by Healing Man on Jun 2, 2009 19:12:40 GMT -8
Today is my 40th birthday [and last week my 4th birthday clean and sober from drugs and alcohol] and sadly today is a day I have been feeling fear and anxiety about for some past weeks now. Many times over that period I have tried to start this post but to no avail...something..I, me...would always stop me for fear of treading close to a yawning black hole of sadness, anger and grief that it holds.
Last night I got to a place of peeling back another layer of the onion of why that is for me.
Prior to getting clean and sober my birthdays were a ball; loved them, had a great time. But all that changed when I started "waking up" - suddenly birthdays were sad, frightening things I just wanted to pass by without making a big deal, hoping I could just get through the day. My ex didn't really help matters; it was probably the only day of the year I had an expectation that she would be there for me, make some special effort, but it was almost an afterthought to her. The only thing I ever wanted for my birthday when we were together was to wake up with her and spend the day together and fall asleep together. But it never happened. 2 out of the 4 years the time was more often spent listening to her feelings about some issue or another. I felt cheated at these times. Birthdays were hard enough - I wanted her to help me make them special, but it never happened.
This year was her 40th and I had been planning a very special week for her; because I loved her, wanted to give her the joy and honouring of specialness just for her. We had a beautiful day and night camping the three of us [with her daughter]; marred only slightly by, when it came time to go to bed, she stood outside on the beach with me, spent half an hour telling me how painful it was for her being in relationship with me then left me in tears alone. It was hard to stay that night but it was her birthday and I had put so much effort into this week i wasn't going to let my sadness get in the way of that.The next day me and her daughter met her in town as we were going to see a show; when we met up she was upset that we'd had a sandwhich on the way down and she walked out of the restaraunt saying how selfish we were. Eventually she came back with more feelings of being disappointed, but we had a nice evening. The next day i was driving over ot her house, that day we had arranged a huge garden party, fancy dress, jazz band caterers; I really wanted it to be special, and she was so so happy, all her friends were there and it was such a lovely time and I was so content to see her joy the whole day. But sadly it had been marred again by her disappointment in some things though ultimately I think she had a nice time. I guess it was sad for me that in the end, at the end of the night she was asked to give a speech and she thanked all her friends for coming saying how wonderful it was they were there and had been there for her over the years...well, I guess it was selfish of me, but a little part of me whilst I was listening was hoping that she might say thank you to me too, but there were no words, not publicly nor even afterwards in private, to acknowledge in any way the days we had spent from her birthday to the party. Yes, I know, that is selfish. I didn't begrudge the time, effort and money in it all; I just wanted her to have the best time she could and was happy to be able to do that...it just would've been nice y'know?
Anyway, I was kind of hoping that this year being my 40th too, she might think about it a bit, maybe this year she'd take the day off and want to be with me. Well, as had happened in past years, she left a couplem of weeks after her birthday and that is one of the reasons for my sadness today. i wanted to celarbrate it with her, only, nothing big, not into big things, just spend the day together. I feel sad and the loss of not being able to do that, but more than that, I feel sad that it never would've been anyway.
I also feel angry and this is hard to explain coz it sounds resentful but I don't feel resentful...maybe am just angry at myself for sharing my precious heart with someone who now I look at it as the fog clears, just seemed to take and take and give so so little back but criticism and demands for more.
Anyway, last week one of my friends from the meeting I go to decided i wasn't going to let this day pass quietly by and has arranged a littlew gathering of safe people tonight to celarbrate my brithdays, and I am working hard to let that in, to accept it, to be happy and allow the love and caring friendship of my community to be with me today.
So am wiriting this in the hope of "getting it out" so i can go and share with my community tonight in a healthy accepting way.
And last night, I realised...the last childhood birthday I can remember was just after my dad had left when I was about 5 or 6 or something...and then nothing, cannot remember much at all and especially no birthdays until my 18th
This is very sad for me..and more so becuase what i do remember of that early birthday is that my mum gave me a cricket bat and my dad had sent me a toy aeroplane. And I can see me now through the tears in the hall of my house playing with the aeroplane flying it through the air and I remember my mum watching me and I got sad and went up to her and gave her a hug and said "mummy I'm sorry for playing with the aeroplane it's just that I can't play with the cricket bat but I do really like it" very sad now to remember that so clearly indelibly, my last birthday memory as a child. we had games at a party in the afternoon and we played cricket which was really nice...but that image of me saying sorry to my mum, almost like feeling naughty for playing with my daddys aeroplane..it stays with me and it hurts me it is sos os sadsadsad.
and whilst I knew that happened; it was only last night that i felt the pain and sorrow around that.
and now i know why the past few years birthdays have been sad for me coz that's been waiting to come up, always in there. before recovery i was just crushing those things down with work, drink, drugs, drama; now, without all those and this year without the relationship/love dramas going on, now i can see why and for that I am grateful to recovery for allowing me the space for these things to come up, go through, and pass away.
So today too will be in a ways my first brithday of re-owning that, both for me and my inner child, and tonight i hope will be a good start to that new way.there may be some tears, but they will be of gratitude, and the friends that will be with me, they know my tears and are accepting of me just as I am.
Thank your listening, it took me awhile to get where i needed to with that but i got there in the end. See, mostly it's not about my ex; indeed the fear of being pinged today, or even of not being pinged today!!, in working through this that has mostly disspated too; most of the pain is historical family of origin stuff. yes, there is surface anger, sadness and grief there from a lost relationship, but the old heavy stuff is able to come out now and I am so grateful that it is, and that here is a safe place to share that process.
Thanks and blessings
Last night I got to a place of peeling back another layer of the onion of why that is for me.
Prior to getting clean and sober my birthdays were a ball; loved them, had a great time. But all that changed when I started "waking up" - suddenly birthdays were sad, frightening things I just wanted to pass by without making a big deal, hoping I could just get through the day. My ex didn't really help matters; it was probably the only day of the year I had an expectation that she would be there for me, make some special effort, but it was almost an afterthought to her. The only thing I ever wanted for my birthday when we were together was to wake up with her and spend the day together and fall asleep together. But it never happened. 2 out of the 4 years the time was more often spent listening to her feelings about some issue or another. I felt cheated at these times. Birthdays were hard enough - I wanted her to help me make them special, but it never happened.
This year was her 40th and I had been planning a very special week for her; because I loved her, wanted to give her the joy and honouring of specialness just for her. We had a beautiful day and night camping the three of us [with her daughter]; marred only slightly by, when it came time to go to bed, she stood outside on the beach with me, spent half an hour telling me how painful it was for her being in relationship with me then left me in tears alone. It was hard to stay that night but it was her birthday and I had put so much effort into this week i wasn't going to let my sadness get in the way of that.The next day me and her daughter met her in town as we were going to see a show; when we met up she was upset that we'd had a sandwhich on the way down and she walked out of the restaraunt saying how selfish we were. Eventually she came back with more feelings of being disappointed, but we had a nice evening. The next day i was driving over ot her house, that day we had arranged a huge garden party, fancy dress, jazz band caterers; I really wanted it to be special, and she was so so happy, all her friends were there and it was such a lovely time and I was so content to see her joy the whole day. But sadly it had been marred again by her disappointment in some things though ultimately I think she had a nice time. I guess it was sad for me that in the end, at the end of the night she was asked to give a speech and she thanked all her friends for coming saying how wonderful it was they were there and had been there for her over the years...well, I guess it was selfish of me, but a little part of me whilst I was listening was hoping that she might say thank you to me too, but there were no words, not publicly nor even afterwards in private, to acknowledge in any way the days we had spent from her birthday to the party. Yes, I know, that is selfish. I didn't begrudge the time, effort and money in it all; I just wanted her to have the best time she could and was happy to be able to do that...it just would've been nice y'know?
Anyway, I was kind of hoping that this year being my 40th too, she might think about it a bit, maybe this year she'd take the day off and want to be with me. Well, as had happened in past years, she left a couplem of weeks after her birthday and that is one of the reasons for my sadness today. i wanted to celarbrate it with her, only, nothing big, not into big things, just spend the day together. I feel sad and the loss of not being able to do that, but more than that, I feel sad that it never would've been anyway.
I also feel angry and this is hard to explain coz it sounds resentful but I don't feel resentful...maybe am just angry at myself for sharing my precious heart with someone who now I look at it as the fog clears, just seemed to take and take and give so so little back but criticism and demands for more.
Anyway, last week one of my friends from the meeting I go to decided i wasn't going to let this day pass quietly by and has arranged a littlew gathering of safe people tonight to celarbrate my brithdays, and I am working hard to let that in, to accept it, to be happy and allow the love and caring friendship of my community to be with me today.
So am wiriting this in the hope of "getting it out" so i can go and share with my community tonight in a healthy accepting way.
And last night, I realised...the last childhood birthday I can remember was just after my dad had left when I was about 5 or 6 or something...and then nothing, cannot remember much at all and especially no birthdays until my 18th
This is very sad for me..and more so becuase what i do remember of that early birthday is that my mum gave me a cricket bat and my dad had sent me a toy aeroplane. And I can see me now through the tears in the hall of my house playing with the aeroplane flying it through the air and I remember my mum watching me and I got sad and went up to her and gave her a hug and said "mummy I'm sorry for playing with the aeroplane it's just that I can't play with the cricket bat but I do really like it" very sad now to remember that so clearly indelibly, my last birthday memory as a child. we had games at a party in the afternoon and we played cricket which was really nice...but that image of me saying sorry to my mum, almost like feeling naughty for playing with my daddys aeroplane..it stays with me and it hurts me it is sos os sadsadsad.and whilst I knew that happened; it was only last night that i felt the pain and sorrow around that.
and now i know why the past few years birthdays have been sad for me coz that's been waiting to come up, always in there. before recovery i was just crushing those things down with work, drink, drugs, drama; now, without all those and this year without the relationship/love dramas going on, now i can see why and for that I am grateful to recovery for allowing me the space for these things to come up, go through, and pass away.
So today too will be in a ways my first brithday of re-owning that, both for me and my inner child, and tonight i hope will be a good start to that new way.there may be some tears, but they will be of gratitude, and the friends that will be with me, they know my tears and are accepting of me just as I am.
Thank your listening, it took me awhile to get where i needed to with that but i got there in the end. See, mostly it's not about my ex; indeed the fear of being pinged today, or even of not being pinged today!!, in working through this that has mostly disspated too; most of the pain is historical family of origin stuff. yes, there is surface anger, sadness and grief there from a lost relationship, but the old heavy stuff is able to come out now and I am so grateful that it is, and that here is a safe place to share that process.
Thanks and blessings
Thank you so much that was beautiful. Am going to go out on a limb here and actually for once say YES 
