Post by reinventmyself on Jul 20, 2009 14:54:45 GMT -8
anxiety. . it feels like open heart surgery that lasts for days . .with no anestesia.
(apologies for those who have had real surgeries. . for dramatic purposes only)
I fell off the NC wagon again. After finding the POA on a dating website and going the gf's facebook to find all of his pic's gone. I wouldn't have admitted it to myself (so sad denial is still so strong for me) but I had pretty much expected to hear from him on my bday last week. Only to see that his dating profile is gone after only 4 days. . one can assume they've reconciled.
For all the weeks I mourned over how easily I was replaced only to see him post a profile after what I can assume was a brief interuption in his current relationship. I am in good company with those before and after that he will jump from. . to another and another. I keep saying `one, two, three, it has nothing to do with me!' As much as I hate to admit. . I was disappointed I didn't hear from him. I wouldn't want him. . I just wanted to know he still loved me. (as if that would do me any good?!@#)
I shake my fists at the gods with frusteration. Please free me from this madness. Obsessing about a toxic man I did not want any longer. It doesn't get anymore maddening that this!!!
The anxiety. .It plagued me all weekend. . whispering in my ear and taunting me. (now I really sound mad, LOL) My stomach still in knots. Glad to be at work for the distraction, unfortunetly today is a slow day.
I've taken inventory recently on the relationships I have run back to under these same circumstances. One I married out of fear, one I was lonely and fantisized he was someone he was not. This guy was institutionalized and after a year I looked him up. . (I was 18) and got pregnant, . .terminated that pregnancy and couldn't look back. My current POA I ran back to once already and he gave me an STD.
If I haven't learned my lessons by now. . Is there any hope for me?? What on earth would it take?
(apologies for those who have had real surgeries. . for dramatic purposes only)
I fell off the NC wagon again. After finding the POA on a dating website and going the gf's facebook to find all of his pic's gone. I wouldn't have admitted it to myself (so sad denial is still so strong for me) but I had pretty much expected to hear from him on my bday last week. Only to see that his dating profile is gone after only 4 days. . one can assume they've reconciled.
For all the weeks I mourned over how easily I was replaced only to see him post a profile after what I can assume was a brief interuption in his current relationship. I am in good company with those before and after that he will jump from. . to another and another. I keep saying `one, two, three, it has nothing to do with me!' As much as I hate to admit. . I was disappointed I didn't hear from him. I wouldn't want him. . I just wanted to know he still loved me. (as if that would do me any good?!@#)
I shake my fists at the gods with frusteration. Please free me from this madness. Obsessing about a toxic man I did not want any longer. It doesn't get anymore maddening that this!!!
The anxiety. .It plagued me all weekend. . whispering in my ear and taunting me. (now I really sound mad, LOL) My stomach still in knots. Glad to be at work for the distraction, unfortunetly today is a slow day.
I've taken inventory recently on the relationships I have run back to under these same circumstances. One I married out of fear, one I was lonely and fantisized he was someone he was not. This guy was institutionalized and after a year I looked him up. . (I was 18) and got pregnant, . .terminated that pregnancy and couldn't look back. My current POA I ran back to once already and he gave me an STD.
If I haven't learned my lessons by now. . Is there any hope for me?? What on earth would it take?
