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Post by holly301 on Aug 14, 2009 7:26:53 GMT -8
I made a commitment today to not go to the websites I use and to not initiate the contact with my POA, it is not even 10:30am where I live and I am already struggling...I have looked at my phone a dozen times to see if I have missed a call or text. I keep telling myself I could go on the sites to delete my accounts...and that is probably a good idea but I don't know if I am strong enough not to respond to any messages I might have. I am already afraid/anxious about making it through the day...what if I don't how do I deal with my failure. I am also afraid my POA won't call or text me...how do I deal with that? Talk about feeling rejected! I don't think I can handle that!!! I am so anxious my heart is pounding out of my chest. Why is this so freaking hard!!! I feel like an immature teenager sitting by the phone waiting for him to call after our first date!! I didn't even do that as a teenager why do I let myself do it now!!!!
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Post by reinventmyself on Aug 14, 2009 7:50:11 GMT -8
Holly,
I am picturing you at the front door of NC.
You can make the committment and take it one day at a time.
An hour at a time, a moment at a time. Every baby step is a victory.
I understand the fear and anxiety. It is so painful.
The only way to the other side will be NC. It helped for me to delete all phone numbers, emails addresses, block them if you have to. We know we can easily undo these changes but for me it's the promise I make to myself for my own self care that I do not.
Read other posts for those in the same situation as you are today and see how quickly they come to terms with the process and grow from NC.
Come here and post and ask for support. Do you have a friend you can call when you are feeling weak? I have 2 friends I call and they talk me out of my tree when I am vulnerable.
It helps.
Let us know how you are doing!
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Post by holly301 on Aug 14, 2009 8:01:25 GMT -8
Not sure I really have anyone I can call only two of my friends even know the slightest thing about my issue. They have no idea I have talked to so many people. I did just go to yahoo and deleted almost all of my contacts.
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Post by holly301 on Aug 14, 2009 10:34:04 GMT -8
Well, I text and called one of my POA's  He hasn't responded yet and maybe that is good. Normally not being able to reach him and him not contacting me right back would send me running on line to get a"fix" from somewhere anywhere and anyone..but so far I have stayed away...so for today I count that as a victory. Now I start fresh with my attempt to not initiate the contact with him. |
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Post by reinventmyself on Aug 14, 2009 12:07:44 GMT -8
Every little bit counts.
I've not been able to obstain for longer than 30 days and I will do my cyber stallking. I was doing well until I saw his face on an internet dating website. It was a rough couple weeks trying to get back on track.
Today is day 6. . Feeling better every day.
You too can do this!!
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Post by holly301 on Aug 14, 2009 12:28:16 GMT -8
I hope so.... I called again he answered this time. He is really a good guy and I don't know that he has a clue the person he is talking to is so sick.
Before I got in touch with him I ended up visiting both the sites I use, I didn't chat...which normally I would have but I am still disappointed that I went....means I didn't meet any of my goals for today!
Sometimes I think it would be easier if I was living in denial again...but that can never be....I know now that I have this disease and so things will never be as they were.
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Post by reinventmyself on Aug 14, 2009 12:50:44 GMT -8
It will come. . Be patient
Keep trying
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