Post by staystrong on Aug 31, 2009 10:42:03 GMT -8
Fear has been such a huge part of my life...I hate that. I have made so many decisions, and stayed in so many situations because of fear. My addiction to limerance and sex is one of the things that help me avoid feeling fear...but the consequences of those actions fuel my fear further.
I am currently afraid of the future. I am so afraid that I only have two choices: dysfunctional jump from relationship to relationship...living in the highs of the beginning and dying in the agony of the goodbyes. Or living forever in a drab and colorless world of monogamy and health.
I am so afraid that I have a serotonin imbalance and can only feel anything when I am engaging relationships that hurt me, my POA, and my family.
I am afraid that I will leave my wife, forever impair my relationship to my children, and have nothing to show for it.
I am so afraid that I will chase love...and never have it reciprocated because I will systematically eliminate all my options at healthy relationships.
I am afraid that I will get a healthy perspective on life and realize how sick I have been and how much time I have wasted, and finally grasp the pain I have caused others.
The further I head into recovery, the less I feel afraid...but just when you think you are turning the corner its icy grip drags you back down to the emotional prison of being a little boy wondering why his mom gave up on him and why he will never be as important to his father as women and sex are.
I feel blessed to have a refuge in which to write these thoughts when I do feel down...like now. If I have learned anything...it is that I need to sit here and feel the emotion...feel it come...and pass...then move on. My head is wise...but so is my heart...slowly but surely I will integrate the two...wise mind.
I am currently afraid of the future. I am so afraid that I only have two choices: dysfunctional jump from relationship to relationship...living in the highs of the beginning and dying in the agony of the goodbyes. Or living forever in a drab and colorless world of monogamy and health.
I am so afraid that I have a serotonin imbalance and can only feel anything when I am engaging relationships that hurt me, my POA, and my family.
I am afraid that I will leave my wife, forever impair my relationship to my children, and have nothing to show for it.
I am so afraid that I will chase love...and never have it reciprocated because I will systematically eliminate all my options at healthy relationships.
I am afraid that I will get a healthy perspective on life and realize how sick I have been and how much time I have wasted, and finally grasp the pain I have caused others.
The further I head into recovery, the less I feel afraid...but just when you think you are turning the corner its icy grip drags you back down to the emotional prison of being a little boy wondering why his mom gave up on him and why he will never be as important to his father as women and sex are.
I feel blessed to have a refuge in which to write these thoughts when I do feel down...like now. If I have learned anything...it is that I need to sit here and feel the emotion...feel it come...and pass...then move on. My head is wise...but so is my heart...slowly but surely I will integrate the two...wise mind.
