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sadness
Sept 6, 2011 17:49:41 GMT -8
Post by sunshine on Sept 6, 2011 17:49:41 GMT -8
I feel like I want to date again. This is huge for me because I have been 100% against dating ever again for the past 3 months. I guess I just feel like I want to be back out there, enjoying life with a partner.
I really don't know what to say. I want to continue recovery but I want to be open to dating also. I have been so closed off about it and I don't think thats healthy. I know there is no set amount of time to wait.
I want to practice my skills of being able to pick available partners.
Does this make sense?
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Post by sunshine on Sept 6, 2011 17:57:06 GMT -8
Well, right after I wrote the message above, I read the post below that LovelyJune sent me a while back. I don't know if I want to date again to avoid painful feelings or if I'm truly ready. This is all so confusing I just know that I have friends who are in happy relationships (married/dating) and they aren't perfect but they found someone. I feel frustrated that I need to "recover" and yet they have met someone even though they aren't emotionally perfect people. "Recovery is not about being happy, happy, happy, happy. One of the things that recovery offers us is a chance to finally FEEL feelings we covered up with the PoA. Most Love addicts only want to feel "love and happiness" and so they remain in bad relationships out of fear of feeling other things. Allow yourself to feel lonely. Allow yourself to cry, to get angry, to feel frustrated."
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sadness
Sept 6, 2011 18:10:13 GMT -8
Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Sept 6, 2011 18:10:13 GMT -8
Hi Sunshine, I have not been dating and just sobering up for a year. I can feel it in my whole being that I want more time... Last year I felt desperate. Someone posted about being alone and feeling lonely recently that rang a bell with me... I feel lonely sometimes, I'm human, but I know the timeline that's best for me. My best timeline for me was a year off from dating or seeking out a mate and feeling good about this took about 4 months! I still don't feel like getting involved, I still feel like I am greiving and hoping on a guy who moved away. It takes as long as it takes. Let the healing ripen on the vine before picking it.
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sadness
Sept 6, 2011 18:12:22 GMT -8
Post by happyberry on Sept 6, 2011 18:12:22 GMT -8
taking a year off dating was one of the best things I have ever done. I highly encourage you to give yourself the gift of falling in love with you before you choose someone else. Your picker will be in much better shape if you're in a great spot.
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sadness
Sept 6, 2011 18:13:58 GMT -8
Post by sunshine on Sept 6, 2011 18:13:58 GMT -8
Thank you. I originally told myself 1 year also. It's only been 3 months and tonight I am not feeling good about my decision to wait for an entire year. I need more patience - haha!
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Post by sunshine on Sept 6, 2011 18:21:19 GMT -8
happyberry: My counselor told me my picker is broken. I also made a comment in therapy last week and my counselor asked me to write what I said it down. During one of our sessions, I randomly said "I don't know what an emotionally available man feels like to be around". He said that was a major acknowledgement for me. He said when I am around an emotionally available man, it will feel strange/weird/uneasy to me because it isn't what I'm comfortable with.
I just don't want to feel stuck in recovery forever. I will pray for patience tonight. I also need to stop looking at recovery as a finish line I need to cross and then I'm "fixed". But I am such a black and white thinker, that without a ruler to measure my success, I feel lost.
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Post by happyberry on Sept 6, 2011 18:32:56 GMT -8
recovery is a long term thing. you're never stuck, it's constantly changing. I am married and went through all these things and am still in recovery. I am hardly the person I was when I wasn't dating and was only going to meetings for 3 months. There is no fixed and there is no finish line.
When you totally love your life you're going to pick an amazing person bc you wouldn't want to risk brining any bad things or drama to the great situation you have. YOu're also not seeking someone to fix you.
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sadness
Sept 6, 2011 18:48:01 GMT -8
Post by sunshine on Sept 6, 2011 18:48:01 GMT -8
Yeah I wouldn't say I totally love my life or myself at the moment. And I fear I never will
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Post by happyberry on Sept 6, 2011 18:53:34 GMT -8
you will but you have to actually give it a chance! It takes a while!
addicts want things NOW and act as though the way they're feeling is somehow permanent. you're a baby in this. Give it some time!
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Post by newlifeinprogress on Sept 6, 2011 18:53:59 GMT -8
Sunshine whatever you are determined to do YOU CAN DO with God/Hp's help! I used to be famous for dating *non-stop* that my friends used to often ask for an update of my colorful dating life! Until I had a "wake-up" call which made me stop dating! At 1st it was so difficult, so many guys are flirting w/ me and all that. But what I found out in my experiences is that EACH TIME YOU SAY "NO" TO THEM (men, urges, etc), YOU ARE EMPOWERING YOURSELF TO SAY"NO" AGAIN NEXT TIME AROUND! YOU BECOME STRONGER THE MORE YOU PRACTICE IT! IT BECOMES EASIER! Now for yearssssssss I haven't dated yet and still HAPPY being on my own!
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sadness
Sept 6, 2011 19:01:14 GMT -8
Post by sunshine on Sept 6, 2011 19:01:14 GMT -8
Thank you both for your words of encouragement. I am fortunate to have found this board and people who keep pushing me forward towards recovery.
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sadness
Sept 6, 2011 19:08:36 GMT -8
Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Sept 6, 2011 19:08:36 GMT -8
I couldn't have done it without this board either.
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sadness
Sept 7, 2011 7:55:13 GMT -8
Post by newlifeinprogress on Sept 7, 2011 7:55:13 GMT -8
Honestly with my solid recovery from extensive non-stop dating I did not have any kind of support at all. *Just God*. So I can very well say it's purely by God's grace alone. However this time w/ my goal of NC and overcoming codependent tendency this board has been a big help for me. :-)
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