Post by magickwomun on Sept 19, 2012 8:22:38 GMT -8
I'm not sure where to start. My poa decided to create a new Facebook profile. Of course he didn't block me because he knows I need him to, and he wants me to see how much fun he is having without me. He enjoys knowing I hurt. He enjoys putting the temptation in my face. he's sadistic. So I blocked him and deactivated my account. I'm sure he also enjoys knowing he ran me off of there and i can't handle seeing it. Oh well. I'd rather him enjoy that than enjoy overtly torturing me.
We've done the whole brutal FB war before. I was so relieved when he finally deleted his old profile, (but of course I called him right away). So pathetic. I knew it was coming any day. i knew he'd be back on there, he hasn't heard from me in several days and the last few times I did contact him it was to discuss my addiction and my need to move on, and I know he can't tolerate that. Right about the time he was creating the profile, I was thinking about going ahead and deactivating mine, so I wouldn't be there "waiting" for him when he showed up, but he seems to have the ability to read my mind, so he beat me to the chase. Uncanny.
Screwed up at work this morning, possibly cost myself a good bit of money because of it, money that I really need. Made myself look bad too. Ouch.
Overwhelmed with emotions. Worried to death that I'm damaging my daughter, having these issues and being away from her so much. Scared to death that i will never get my poa out of my life. I dread the thought of running into him-ever again- and it seems we always manage to cross paths somehow, somewhere, even 2,000 miles away from where we live. It's as if he has radar. Seems like the only way this charade will ever end is if one of us dies.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what i want anymore. I completely lost myself this time. I don't have the slightest clue who I am anymore. Nothing seems to interest me. there's no enjoyment or pleasure, nothing to look forward to, only things I dread. I function on auto pilot. I don't live, i exist. It's as if i'm empty. I've been through a good share of stuff in my life, but I haven't felt this low in about 20 years. i feel so hopeless...
I'm humiliated. I'm isolating myself. I feel disconnected from God. I feel like i'm under demonic attack. I'm examining my childhood and my family of origin. Ouch. I'm becoming obsessed with recovery, i'm getting impatient with it already but i'm also procrastinating. i don't like myself, at all. I just want to vanish, become mythical. Sorry to bring anyone down, just needed to vent I guess.
We've done the whole brutal FB war before. I was so relieved when he finally deleted his old profile, (but of course I called him right away). So pathetic. I knew it was coming any day. i knew he'd be back on there, he hasn't heard from me in several days and the last few times I did contact him it was to discuss my addiction and my need to move on, and I know he can't tolerate that. Right about the time he was creating the profile, I was thinking about going ahead and deactivating mine, so I wouldn't be there "waiting" for him when he showed up, but he seems to have the ability to read my mind, so he beat me to the chase. Uncanny.
Screwed up at work this morning, possibly cost myself a good bit of money because of it, money that I really need. Made myself look bad too. Ouch.
Overwhelmed with emotions. Worried to death that I'm damaging my daughter, having these issues and being away from her so much. Scared to death that i will never get my poa out of my life. I dread the thought of running into him-ever again- and it seems we always manage to cross paths somehow, somewhere, even 2,000 miles away from where we live. It's as if he has radar. Seems like the only way this charade will ever end is if one of us dies.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what i want anymore. I completely lost myself this time. I don't have the slightest clue who I am anymore. Nothing seems to interest me. there's no enjoyment or pleasure, nothing to look forward to, only things I dread. I function on auto pilot. I don't live, i exist. It's as if i'm empty. I've been through a good share of stuff in my life, but I haven't felt this low in about 20 years. i feel so hopeless...
I'm humiliated. I'm isolating myself. I feel disconnected from God. I feel like i'm under demonic attack. I'm examining my childhood and my family of origin. Ouch. I'm becoming obsessed with recovery, i'm getting impatient with it already but i'm also procrastinating. i don't like myself, at all. I just want to vanish, become mythical. Sorry to bring anyone down, just needed to vent I guess.