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Post by sobrietythirst on Jan 19, 2009 17:04:33 GMT -8
Lately, as my school term comes to an end and people are deciding which roads to travel, an intense jealousy and envy has come over me. I don't have my license..and I have several friends that drive. My friend had on a very nice outfit the other day and I knew she could afford it because of her new job and I can't because I am unemployed and constantly having to make sure the obligations are met.the list goes on and on and I feel silly and juvenile for putting it down but I'm really trying to be aware of my feelings and emotions at the current moment. I realize that this is simply coming from my deep-buried insecurities....that deep in the ugliest parts of myself I feel like I've been a better person and I see others getting the things I desire faster. It makes me spiteful. And I really do hate myself for being this way, but I want to be honest about these feelings so that I could deal with them in a healthy manner and truly see what I perceive to be missing.
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Post by judy on Jan 19, 2009 17:55:05 GMT -8
Do you realize what a gift that is, s., to be able to articulate that awareness and share it on this board?
That is a huge step. That's going to be the beginning of your recovery with that issue.
Now that you have felt the feelings, and written them down and shared them with us you can pray about them and move into some action.
What can you do to alleviate that jealousy? What kind of actions can you take one day at at time?
I am going through much the same in my life right now. 54, working part time (by choice) to meet the obligations, no discrationary funds, and absolutely NO idea what direction to take to earn a living LIKING what I do. I have been all over the place for YEARS. Won't even go into the details.
This is how I cope. I work. I exercise. I eat right. I go to my 12 step meetings. I ask for help on my knees in the morning. I send out resumes. I do service when I'm asked (in all areas of life) if I can. I socialize in a simple way.
I seldom get jealous now because I have seen too much of life. I know some VERY wealthy people, some very FAMOUS people, some very ACCOMPLISHED people. You know what, they all have their stories, too. Also, I remind myself that most of them have worked for what they have. And if I want what they have I can work for it, too. I have everything I need to live a happy life. Right now I'm in the desert with the job thing, but I know it's out there.
It's out there for you, too. Do you WANT a drivers license? What's stopping you? Can you get the type of job you want WITHOUT a license?
OK, I'll stop proselatizing (sic) but you get the point.
I do this exercise of action just to keep me from falling into a self-pity pool. I lived in it for many many years. It's so destructive.
I try what Susan suggested in a post yesterday "acting as if". I act as if I am solvent and successful. Let's see what happens.
Good luck!
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Post by roz2008 on Jan 19, 2009 21:21:21 GMT -8
The Universe has enough for everyone. It does it's part by placing it there. We have to do our part to take action to go get it.
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Post by starkeeper on Jan 20, 2009 4:47:35 GMT -8
Someone once said feelings are not right or wrong. Thoughts will come and go. IMO at 56 comparing ourselves to others will only lower our self esteem, We never come out on top. If there is anything to have in our lifes beside health it is self esteem. That should be our foundation for the rest. I have had new clothes, they will fade, a new car will rust. They are ok to have but maybe it's about priorities. You have no control over what others have or do. But believe in yourself, have supportive friends a HIgher Power to belive in. You are unigue one of a kind, plan and make some goals. I think everyone has their one time frame. You have an education, be thankful for all you do have, God will provide more. BEst Wishes  |
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Post by respira on Feb 19, 2009 14:54:58 GMT -8
I´m glad you started a topic like this, I feel also very jelous when any of my girlfriends finds a new boyfriend. I do love them and think they are great people, but when they find a guy who likes them, I instantly start comparing myself to them, and of course, I found me always losing. I tell myself the most horrible things, like I will never find someone who truly likes me, that I´ve got the worst luck ever, etc, etc, and of course I feel terrible with myself for envying my friends. I´m tying hard to stop that train of ideas, and stating that everything and everyone has its own time.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Feb 19, 2009 15:04:13 GMT -8
Without a spiritual outlook on life envy and jealousy can get out of control. Love addicts often feel these emotions more intensely because they are empty of self-esteem and spiritual love. Still these are normal emotions, even though they must be tempered by a spiritual philosophy such as "loving thy neighbor."
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Post by dawnbelieves on Apr 18, 2009 7:05:51 GMT -8
I have the same issues sometimes. I look around and compare myself with others. Me and my mom were talking about it the other day. She has a friend and it just really looked like her friend and her friend's husband had it all together. They were always spending money and shopping and had a nice house and nice stuff and just seemed happy, like they just had it all together. Well, they are moving out of there house into a trailer given to them by one of their children. Everyone was confused as to why they were doing this. They just made out like the wanted to but it just seemed silly. Well, my mom found out that all of their credit cards are maxed and thier house is being forclosed on. They are dealing with terrible credit and repos and are now having trouble just surviving. All thier compulsive speading caught up with them so that we can actually see the consequences. This story made me start thinking. If it wasn't for them having to move we would have never seen what heartache they were living in....trying to look as though they had it together when really they were just trying to fit into a life they couldn't. ALL people have some sort of issues in their lives. There are probably people out there that are envious of you and you don't even know it. They can't see into your head and know how sad you feel or hopeless you feel or anything like that. All they see is what is on the outside. So that is what you are looking at when you get jealous of your friends or the people around you. You are only seeing what is on the outside. THere is no telling what is churning on their insides. Just because someone seems to have together doesn't mean they do. KNowing this helps me to put things into perspective. When I start to feel jealous I remind myself that I am just seeing what is on the outside and instead of worrying about that I need to work on what is on my inside. The outside will take care of itself if we take care of the inside. Take care of yourself. You are in my prayers. ~Dawn~
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rain
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Post by rain on Apr 21, 2009 2:51:00 GMT -8
envy and jealousy, such a nice topic as most if not all love addicts actually experience this and getting hurt and depressed because of this.
right now i am feeling down knowing that my poa is having a really good time and life and fun after we broke up. i did not stalk him or something, but since we are in the same company, i still somehow get to know some of his activities.
i feel jealous and envious that i am still in my recovery is still struggling. i want to be in that place where i can truly tell myself that i am happy for him. and that what he does won't affect me any longer. i try so hard and remind myself constantly but the emotions just creep in.
anyone who has some tricks on how to go about this?
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Post by judy on Apr 21, 2009 3:30:45 GMT -8
Hi rain. I have been through the same experience with a workplace poa and having to watch all the girlfriends and now fiance that have paraded through the years of my relationship with this guy.
Everyone here will tell you that you cannot judge another's happiness. You never know. You just don't. I have found that I need to keep the focus on my own happiness. My own life. Building my own self-esteem and good health.
My suggestion right now: stop struggling. If you don't feel happy for him right now - you don't. Tha's OK. You don't HAVE to feel happy for him. Don't feel happy and accept that you don't feel happy and LET IT GO. ( DO NOT ACT OUT on not feeling happy for him).
THEN - turn the focus on to yourself. What's up in YOUR life? Put all that struggle-energy into your own well-being.
I get jealous when I see my poa with his fiance, too. My head starts with how happy he is, blah blah blah. But I have always felt deep down that his happiness is none of my business and that really, he deserves as much happiness in life as I do. That belief may not take away the jealous feeling but it certainly puts things into perspective and allows me to move on.
It also allows me to move out of the immaturity of this addiction. I am trying to behave, in all these situations, with the grace of a woman not the grief of a child.
Ask a higher power for help. And don't underestimate being in a recovery program! You are one of the lucky ones. As am I. I would rather be in a recovery program than acting out in addiction.
Recovery is light, health, possibilities, being one among many. Addiction is dark, sick, lonely and unending.
Hang in there!
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rain
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Post by rain on Apr 21, 2009 6:09:52 GMT -8
hi judy,
thank you so much for the enlightenment. it really helps. you are right, his happiness is none of my business. and i don't need to be martyr and be happy for him. i know i really need to focus on my own happiness and i am doing that. i am happier now than when i am in addiction.
your situation is more difficult than mine. i don't get to see him, i just get the stories sometimes. you made it and were able to move on, i'll get my inspiration on that. i can do it too.
i cried today, just suddenly got lonely, but i am proud of myself for holding up with NC. thanks for your reply, it means a lot.
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Post by jivamukti on Dec 24, 2009 11:47:53 GMT -8
Ahhh, thanks for starting this thread. Envy and jealousy were the hardest for me to deal with. It was one of the things that really sent the POA packing and on his way at the end, just before I hit bottom. He is a sex and love addict, and started flirting with other women in front of me, and when he saw that it got to me, he really turned it up, and would peek at me to see my reaction. This was the end of the end.
I heard stories from friends about the other women, some of them I knew. I would stew for days in seething jealousy and anger that almost destroyed me. I had to get off of Facebook because their conversations were public, and dripping with limerance and suggestion.
Finding this sight has helped so much. As I work the steps, I realize that I am healing, but he is still up to the same games. I almost feel sorry for him, and the women he draws into his web. Having lived that divided life for so long, I nearly went insane. I am learning to trust myself, and believe that HP has a better life in store for me. This makes it easy to not be jealous of the other women.
I used to be jealous of happy couples...people in love. Now I can look at them and send them a blessing from my heart. I feel a strength in my being that doesn't have to be jealous any more. My life is important, too.
It's ok to cry. I have cried buckets of tears...it helps to cleanse the soul.
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Post by geedee on Dec 24, 2009 14:05:13 GMT -8
Hi Jivamukti,
I can so identify with your post. I was insanely jealous of my POA and he enjoyed making me suffer even if it was online.
I do not want to be that jealous of anyone else ever again for as long as I live. it is so soul destroying and i can understand when some people end up really stalking and threatening their POAs.
I wanted him so much I think it might have got violent had we ended up in a real relationship together. Had to get out because it was killing me to be like that.
greta
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jealousy
Mar 9, 2017 17:57:33 GMT -8
via mobile
Post by lotuspeony on Mar 9, 2017 17:57:33 GMT -8
Ahhh, thanks for starting this thread. Envy and jealousy were the hardest for me to deal with. It was one of the things that really sent the POA packing and on his way at the end, just before I hit bottom. He is a sex and love addict, and started flirting with other women in front of me, and when he saw that it got to me, he really turned it up, and would peek at me to see my reaction. This was the end of the end. I heard stories from friends about the other women, some of them I knew. I would stew for days in seething jealousy and anger that almost destroyed me. I had to get off of Facebook because their conversations were public, and dripping with limerance and suggestion. Finding this sight has helped so much. As I work the steps, I realize that I am healing, but he is still up to the same games. I almost feel sorry for him, and the women he draws into his web. Having lived that divided life for so long, I nearly went insane. I am learning to trust myself, and believe that HP has a better life in store for me. This makes it easy to not be jealous of the other women. I used to be jealous of happy couples...people in love. Now I can look at them and send them a blessing from my heart. I feel a strength in my being that doesn't have to be jealous any more. My life is important, too. It's ok to cry. I have cried buckets of tears...it helps to cleanse the soul. Hi Jivamukti, I can so identify with your post. I was insanely jealous of my POA and he enjoyed making me suffer even if it was online. I do not want to be that jealous of anyone else ever again for as long as I live. it is so soul destroying and i can understand when some people end up really stalking and threatening their POAs. I wanted him so much I think it might have got violent had we ended up in a real relationship together. Had to get out because it was killing me to be like that. greta Thank you for the above post! This helped me so much as my ex is also a sex and love addict. I literally went mad in the relationship as he would say I was making him unhappy and that I would drive him into the arms of other women. He is a very successful lawyer and very charismatic . He also has twenty years in NA/AA recovery. He always said he felt like he couldn't trust me. Right from the offset he would try to provoke and say things like "I'm going to get a massage from x" a female he's had a sexual tryst with. And so on. He could be friends with women he'd slept with but I could not. He said thats because he was emotionally honest. I was not. Everything got very skewed. I did intrigue a bit in retaliation . This gave him ammunition. Also, we broke up and got back together more than 30 times in 3 years. I only initiated 2 of those break-ups. I definitely idolised him. He would say he wanted to marry me and have a baby but then withdraw it. I know the advice is to focus back on myself. Sometimes it's relieving to do a post-mortum. It's cathartic. I really lost myself in total anxiety and fear. Always terrified he would leave me. Which he now has and gone off with a glamour model type. He really made me feel that I destroyed the relationship. Maybe I did. I struggled to keep my head above water out of the madnesss. He said I was cold but when I tried to give love he would withdraw or say I was too much. Sec us where love was exchanged and that was always passionate. He told me he'd never loved anyone like me. However, he would get angry often - he felt I didn't meet his needs. I felt I could never keep up. Who knows if o induced that in him, it this new woman he will resoect more because she has a career, owns her own house, and so on. This is my major problem in life - I'm so bloody scared all the time and on the edge of panic dealing with complex and ptsd. I'm not the fully functional adult I should be (I'm 34). I need to learn to drive , I don't have a career ( I worked as a nanny part time for 6 years) . I've been stuck on my degree for 8 years because of it the trauma symptoms and dyspraxia and fear . Being in the world is terrifying . I'm now in Na and aa recovery although for the last few years I did controlled drinking - my mind is very addictive in its nature ( and I did have some binges). I am 71 days sober. Although, I am 50% responsible in this relationship it helps to hear you have got perspective on some of the games played in the relationship that he is still carrying. Maybe this will be the same for my ex. Very painful right now especially with the disease of comparison that has dogged my life . Thanks again for your post |
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Post by butterfly68 on Apr 1, 2017 21:43:26 GMT -8
It is NOT your fault,this man sounds very damaged like my ex, who destroyed my self confidence for 8 years , telling me i was mad because i accused him of sleeping around when he was. Now he has moved in with someone else,and i am alone and jealous of her.!!! but he is abusive so i should feel sorry for her instead!!! it is all very confusing and i feel so alone and confused.... Thank you for been here.. it helps me knowing i am not alone, though i feel it.
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