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Post by Light on Jan 11, 2010 10:45:45 GMT -8
I feel so ashamed.
I wrote dozens mails to my poa (and he never answered).
If I read them again now they seem to me as they were written from a child.
How could I go on for two years writing to someone who didn't respond?
In some of my mails I asked my poa for friendship, in some others I just told him how I felt.
In one of the last mails, about 3 months ago, (still asking for friendship!) I told him I was healed and I was happy, how could he care about that ?
This addiction made a fool of me. I'm not beating myself, I'm just realising it.
In my last mail I wrote I had really loved him but I had finally realised "it was impossible" and I hang on on n/c repeating that sentence in my mind.
Everytime I have a thought about a possible mail I could write I think: NO and it's working.
It's like if someone else wrote all those mails, I would like it wasn't me. How could I be so weak and needy?
Then I think it was all a part of this life experience, it's the past.
thank you for reading
light
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Post by geedee on Jan 11, 2010 10:53:32 GMT -8
But was it really you Light? or the insane you?
That's how I'm learning to detach myself from the shame I feel. I was INSANE and powerless over my addiction.
That madwoman wasn't the real me. That madwoman wasn't the real you either.
thank you God for recovery and NC!
greta
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Post by Light on Jan 11, 2010 11:23:30 GMT -8
thank you dear Greta!
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Post by ok2bme on Jan 12, 2010 0:53:55 GMT -8
"This addiction made a fool of me."
Oh Light, My most embarrassing, degrading moments were behind my addiction. I could just feel myself getting more out of control & could only sit back inside & watch, because I could not even listen to myself say "NO". Since finding this site I have had some incidents of self talk & listening.
Maybe that was just the hurt you writing out to someone you thought could heal you...and they didn't answer so you looked else where, thankfully, because you found healing. It's a happy day when you can look back at what once overtook you. Very hopeful.
Thanks.
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Post by Light on Jan 12, 2010 1:21:54 GMT -8
thank you ok2,
you are right, he did the right thing not answering. I do think he is a good person and somehow I know he cares about me. I've stop trying to be healed from him, he was my hillness, he couldn't heal me!
n/c is healing...
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Post by sillypoppet on Jan 14, 2010 18:56:35 GMT -8
I think that shame can be a common emotion when we start recovery. To me, acknowledging that I had a problem felt like reaffirming all the negative things my ex's had said about me. I felt embarrased that I had been out of control for quite some time. Most people around me thought I was flat out crazy. It felt like a failure.
I agree with the previous post- you may have been reaching out to your ex because you did not know how to cope with your emotions. I don't think we ever do this intentionally. All we know is the relief when the poa responds. It's like a shot of heroine.
Like you said, we can't change the past. The mistakes you've made are done, but you don't have to dwell on them. Forgiving yourself is part of learning to love yourself.
Please remember that it takes 2 to create a dysfunctional relationship. As love addicts, we are not attracted to healthy people and healthy people are not attracted to us. When we are addicted, the people we are involved with have serious underlying emotional problems as well. Before recovery, all the men I had dated were just as broken as myself. Many of them were love avoidants, some love addicts, narcissits, some had borderline personality disorder, and others had mood disorders. Don't ever let an ex poa convince you that you are the only one who has a problem.
In recovery, you will start to care less about what your ex poa thinks. This may sound harsh, but it doesn't matter whether or not he cares about you. This is about YOU and only YOU. For me, I had to let go of ALL of my ex poa's before I could truly start to heal.
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Post by kelleyboy on Jan 14, 2010 21:06:54 GMT -8
Please remember that it takes 2 to create a dysfunctional relationship. As love addicts, we are not attracted to healthy people and healthy people are not attracted to us. When we are addicted, the people we are involved with have serious underlying emotional problems as well. Before recovery, all the men I had dated were just as broken as myself. Many of them were love avoidants, some love addicts, narcissits, some had borderline personality disorder, and others had mood disorders. Don't ever let an ex poa convince you that you are the only one who has a problem. Thanks sillypoppet, I need to be reminded that I wasn't this sick little worm clinging to the beautiful peach. I do think it is thinking like this that initially gets us addicted, then re-enforces the shame later when things finally crumble. |
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Post by Light on Jan 15, 2010 0:08:53 GMT -8
Hi sillypoppet and thank you.
Actually I never had a real "relationship" with my poa. We just had a romantic week end and it was really beautiful. He was able to live that experience and then forget everything. For me that should have been the beginning of "the greatest love" (silly addicted dreamer). We had different life-styles, different values, different culture, we were DIFFERENT.
I don't know him well so I can't say what kind of "dysfunctional person" he is. Maybe he is not so dysfunctional.
I guess, anyway, he is a narcissist or , at least, he has nearcissistic traits.
The only "bad" thing he did to me is that he didn't answer to all my emails, but once he told me he didn't do that to make me feel bad and I believe it.
Well, all the situation was very difficult, a relationship was really impossible, even with all the best intentions...
I've just clinged on a dream for too long. Thinking something could be possible between us was just insanity and I've been insane.
I'm ashamed of myself because I've lived in this dream for too long and because I've shown a distorted image of myself. I've destroyed forever the possibility of a friendship.
Anyway I don't have regrets at the moment, a friendship with him is no more important to me.
I just want to forget this period of my life, I want it to be a lesson for the future.
I want to enjoy the present, I've forgotten myself and my present for too long.
The only thing I can blame my poa for is that he didn't console me, but probably there was no way for him to do that (he was not able to do that, he didn't want to , he would have feed my addiction even more).....
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Post by startanew on Jan 15, 2010 1:01:19 GMT -8
Light, thanks for posting this. The thread is helping me too.
I understand how you feel. Not knowing if he is dysfunctional is a difficulty. I swing between believing it and not believing it.
I like what kelleyboy said. They're not such peaches and we're not such worms. They're not who we fantasize they are.Even if they're not dysfunctional they're not all that we've made them in our heads.
You seem like a positive person and I think you'll be fine with continued NC. I hope I will too.
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Post by walkingonwater on Jan 15, 2010 8:40:36 GMT -8
Greta that's helpful, I would definitely like to separate off all the embarassing things I've done and put them in the 'madwoman' box. There are so many of them. Maybe I need to remind myself of them to keep myself focused on recovery and away from bad POA material!!
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softy
Junior Member
Posts: 56
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Post by softy on Jan 15, 2010 17:46:51 GMT -8
Oh, I did so many things in my illness that were "out of character' for me. I used language I wouldn't use. I was throwing emotional 'temper tantrums'. I screamed, cried, begged. Wrote many emails begging him to be my friend and please don't leave me. I called him so many horrible things.
I'm glad to think that person was not me, it was a 'madwoman'.
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