Post by cheri on Jul 23, 2009 3:47:09 GMT -8
overcome approval addiction
If someone disapproves of something you have said or done, it doesn't have to affect you. The impact of the disapproval of others depends on you buying into their thinking.
The less you care about what other people think about you, the more confident and happy you will become. That is, if you decide to stop letting other people bother you so much you will DISCONNECT your mood from the way in which the world is treating you at any given minute.
When you are in constant need of approval from someone, you are giving that person so much POWER over you. The person only needs to stop smiling at you one morning, and you may spend the rest of the day wondering what you have done wrong! Of course, the most likely explanations will be trivial eg. s/he didn't have time to have breakfast, s/he is tired, s/he has a minor sore throat. That is, most of the time other peoples moods will have nothing to do with you!
And anyway, why is it soooooo terrible if you are the cause - if someone actually does disapprove of something about you? Is that so bad? Remember, social disapproval rarely comes with a real cost. No-one loses a limb because someone doesn't like the way they speak, or the colour of their hair, or the way they dress. Most of the costs of social disapproval are only in our imaginings.
In general, most people exaggerate the real LIKELIHOOD and COST of social disapproval. You need to perceive a LIKELIHOOD and a COST of disapproval to create the feeling of anxiety.
Overestimated Overestimated
ANXIETY = COST X PROBABILITY
Of course, positive feedback feels good, and nobody is telling you to stop enjoying that. But being overly dependent on it gives other people power over you. When you become dependent on the approval of others you are handing over your emotional life to these people. Your mood will swing with the approval and disapproval of others. You need to learn to value yourself without constant reassurance from others.
Just a final note - think about the last time you disapproved of someone. Did it really change them in any way? Does someone become a lesser person just because you disapprove of them? Why give anyone else the power over who you are, your moods and your self-worth? It doesn't make any sense.
the closing line on 'Approval Addiction' in David Burn's excellent volume, Feeling Good. We think David sums this problem up very well.
"If you admit your disapproval does not contain enough moral atomic power to devastate the meaning and value of another person's life, why give their disapproval the power to wipe out your sense of self-worth? What makes them so special? When you tremble in terror because someone dislikes you, you magnify the wisdom and knowledge that person possesses, and you have simultaneously sold yourself short as being unable to make sound judgements about yourself. Of course, someone might point out a flaw in your behaviour or an error in your thinking. I hope they will because you can learn this way. After all, we're all imperfect, and others have the right to tell us about it from time to time. But are you obliged to make yourself miserable and hate yourself every time someone flies off the handle or puts you down?"
from web..
If someone disapproves of something you have said or done, it doesn't have to affect you. The impact of the disapproval of others depends on you buying into their thinking.
The less you care about what other people think about you, the more confident and happy you will become. That is, if you decide to stop letting other people bother you so much you will DISCONNECT your mood from the way in which the world is treating you at any given minute.
When you are in constant need of approval from someone, you are giving that person so much POWER over you. The person only needs to stop smiling at you one morning, and you may spend the rest of the day wondering what you have done wrong! Of course, the most likely explanations will be trivial eg. s/he didn't have time to have breakfast, s/he is tired, s/he has a minor sore throat. That is, most of the time other peoples moods will have nothing to do with you!
And anyway, why is it soooooo terrible if you are the cause - if someone actually does disapprove of something about you? Is that so bad? Remember, social disapproval rarely comes with a real cost. No-one loses a limb because someone doesn't like the way they speak, or the colour of their hair, or the way they dress. Most of the costs of social disapproval are only in our imaginings.
In general, most people exaggerate the real LIKELIHOOD and COST of social disapproval. You need to perceive a LIKELIHOOD and a COST of disapproval to create the feeling of anxiety.
Overestimated Overestimated
ANXIETY = COST X PROBABILITY
Of course, positive feedback feels good, and nobody is telling you to stop enjoying that. But being overly dependent on it gives other people power over you. When you become dependent on the approval of others you are handing over your emotional life to these people. Your mood will swing with the approval and disapproval of others. You need to learn to value yourself without constant reassurance from others.
Just a final note - think about the last time you disapproved of someone. Did it really change them in any way? Does someone become a lesser person just because you disapprove of them? Why give anyone else the power over who you are, your moods and your self-worth? It doesn't make any sense.
the closing line on 'Approval Addiction' in David Burn's excellent volume, Feeling Good. We think David sums this problem up very well.
"If you admit your disapproval does not contain enough moral atomic power to devastate the meaning and value of another person's life, why give their disapproval the power to wipe out your sense of self-worth? What makes them so special? When you tremble in terror because someone dislikes you, you magnify the wisdom and knowledge that person possesses, and you have simultaneously sold yourself short as being unable to make sound judgements about yourself. Of course, someone might point out a flaw in your behaviour or an error in your thinking. I hope they will because you can learn this way. After all, we're all imperfect, and others have the right to tell us about it from time to time. But are you obliged to make yourself miserable and hate yourself every time someone flies off the handle or puts you down?"
from web..
